(no subject)

Nov 04, 2004 15:24

Warning! Depressing entry!

Well, I figured this really needed a warning, because of what I was told today. Seriously, I feel terrible and I just want to roll into a ball in my bed and cry. Actually, I want to do so much more, but I won't mention it here and now.

Do you remember when I wrote about this "friend" in my class, who said that if I have so many health problems, then why I don't just kill myself? Well, she is friends with these two other girls and I don't like them. Never did, never will. Why? Because the first day they came into the class, one of them wanted to know about Kreuzberg (the part of Berlin where I live) and I told her what I knew. The second I said that I live in Kreuzberg, she looked at me in such a degrading manner that I felt like asking her what the hell her problem was, but I didn't do it and just ignored it instead. I know that Kreuzberg doesn't have a good reputation, but that's the SO 36 and that's only part of Kreuzberg! I live in 61, which is a very sophisticated part of it. The rent for a simple apartment is very high and the government is right around the corner. So, she doesn't know in which part I live, but she dared to think that I must live in the SO 36. Now, I know that she can think what she wants, but that she is like dissing me only because of the simple fact that I said that I live in Kreuzberg...that's just low!

So, around April or May, my teachers told me that I'm one of the best in that class and luckily for me, that girl was sitting right behind me all the time, so I know that he hated it that my teachers told me that. You know, if looks could kill, I wouldn't be sitting here right now. She was pissed, I know it, but I didn't care, because she is not my friend and, frankly, she is one of the people I don't even want to see! But I have to and I have to make the best of it.

And now about today...One of our interpretation teachers was sick, so we only had class with Ms Paulsen, who decided to let us go after 20 minutes. My friend and I went into this café to spend some time there and we asked one of the new girls in our class, if she wants to come with us. I can't call her a friend, because I don't know her that good. We are talking a few times the day since last week and she is really nice and maybe we might become friends sometime, but for now we just know each other. But I do know that she is very outspoken and she always says what she thinks, if you like it or not, but I also know that she is one of the fairest persons I know and I really appreciate that in her. She then told me something, which pissed me off so much that I was ready to kill. Seriously, I was angry and just wanted to go to the other girl I mentioned earlier and seriously hurt her! I'm usually not like that and there needs to be something seriously wrong, if I think like that. So, what happened?! For our interpretation tests, we have to split our class into two groups and I'm not in the same group as the girl I mentioned (girl A) and the girl who was in the café with us (girl B). B told me that she was sitting in the room right before the test and A asked her, where I was, because she thought that I was in the same group. B didn't know my name back then, so she asked, whom A was talking about and A seriously replied: "That corpse in front of you!" B was pissed, when she heard that, because she hates it when people are talking like that about others, even though she hardly knew me. So, she told her that she should shut up and don't say things like that, and then A said that I probably couldn't even make it to the fourth floor, where they were during that time. B ignored her for the rest of the class and never talked to her ever again since then, which I really appreciate.

You know, I know that I am fucking pale! But I can't help it! It's not my fault that I am sick. It was always like this and it will never change, but when people say things like these, it hurts, even though I know that I shouldn't care about it. I just can't help it. I know that I could tell everyone in that class, what the problem is. I could tell them that I have the sickle cell disease and a liver disease and the cataract, but I don't want them to fucking know it! I don't go around telling everyone I ever meet, what my problem is. They don't know me, they know nothing about me! And, frankly, they don't deserve to know me by now. Not after what they are doing. I'm so glad when I don't have to see them again.

I really don't know what to do now. I just want to cry and I wish I could tell someone how I feel and that they would understand and help me, but I'm also kinda afraid, even though I don't know of what. I can just feel this fear. It's as if I'm suffocating and can't find something that will help. I just want to live a normal life, but that chance was taken from me in November 1999 and there won't be a new chance...

rl, school

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