This is it....
Why did I move to Chicago?
Mostly, to run away. Away from my parents.. but also away from my life. I knew that if I stayed in Michigan that I would've never moved past the point I was stuck in. I would never have gone back to school. I would've stayed in relationships that I thought were healthy but weren't. Don't get me wrong, there were a few people that I didn't want to leave. But it turns out I was wrong. Because everyone assumed that me moving here was to get away from them. And its funny that the two people I wanted to get away from, are now the two closest people to me, my mom and dad. Probably because they were the only people that took themselves out of the equation. They were the only two people who didn't relate my move to them, they let me go without saying I was running from them. When everyone thought I was leaving them, they knew that I was leaving me. I left a big part of who I used to be in Michigan, and part of me that I will never be again. And i know some people won't understand, I'm not asking anyone to understand. Honestly, I don't think anyone really could understand, because no one truelly knew the state in which I was in, I don't think even I knew. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't realize how big of an affect my attitude had on my outlook on my life, and where I was going. Yes, I left people I loved... people I truelly cared about, honestly people I still do care about. But you wanna know what... I'm not sorry for leaving. I think leaving has been the best thing I have ever done for MYSELF. And maybe that sounds selfish, but maybe it was time I was selfish, and stopped worrying about what everyone else would think and how they would feel. So you can be mad at me, you can hate me, you can talk shit about me, I don't care, do what you need to do to make it easier for you... but keep in mind here I don't say bad things about you to people who ask who you are when they see your pictures. The same people who when I talk to them about whats happened don't tell me to screw you all. They all know the impact all of you have had on my life. Because you have... I still remember all the great times we had, but something is different. I'm not saying it is anyones fault, and I take blame for things that have happened, I know I'm not perfect. But the simple thing is that I'm not ready to deal with it... I'm not ready to talk on the phone, because I fear that we'll say we are sorry and you'll want things to go back to normal. and they can't. I can't be that best friend, friend, girlfriend that you all had, because that's not me anymore. I've changed A LOT! Yea, I'm still the same old Caitlin in some aspects, but there are some major changes in the way I feel about myself, and the way I let people treat me. So I'm sorry if it makes you mad/upset/hurt, that I can't call back, but this is what I can give you now. So take it or leave it, and I would completely understand if you didn't take it.
Why I won't call back?
It was more than a drunken call.... it was more than all the bitchy things that were said on both ends. There was WAY too much shit between all of us. Plain and simple, we all said we were best friends but we were the first to turn around and talk shit about the others, and thats sad. That wasn't friendship. It was a bunch of bitchy girls who hung out together. Do I think I was closer to some of you than others? Yes! But does it still take away form what we were. No. We were all bitches, we lied to each other, we stabbed each other in the back, and while we were always there for each other, we never really listened, we never really fixed anything. It was like because we said we cared about each other and loved each that that was all we needed to do. But there needed to be more, there needs to be more. It was like we had nothing better to do than tear each other apart, because that is what we did. We made each other feel fat, ugly, and one of us was almost always the reason why another one of us was crying. But it was okay, because we loved each other and we said sorry, but then we would fall back into the saem circle, except this time, someone else would be on the outside, and three would be great friends or two would be great friends, but there was rarely a point in whcih we could all just be friends. i can't deal with that. I can't deal with the drama anymore. i can't deal with constantly thinking who is my friend and who is saying shit about me behind my back. I do applaud you though, because that drunk call was one of the first times you all told me how you felt, HONESTLY, you didn't hold anything back. At the same time though it was the breaking point, it was the last straw. My last straw. As horrible as this sounds I needed to get out. When I think of that night I don't think of how you made me feel, I think of HOW I LET YOU MAKE ME FEEL. I could've hung up, I could've turned off my phone... but no I sat there crying on the phone for an hour and let you yell at me, bitch at me, make me feel like a horrible person. I LET YOU DO THAT TO ME. And it won't happen anymore. That was the first time I had cried while being down here, it was the first time in weeks that I had felt like shit. The one thing that none of you knew was that I had gotten off the phone with my mom to talk to you guys... and when i ended the conversation with you and called her back she said I was a completely different person. She said I had gone from sounding so happy, to sounding miserable. So that is why I'm not calling back... not because I don't want to, or don't have time... BECAUSE I DON'T NEED TO. The old Caitlin would've called back, she would've said she was sorry and a total bitch. But after the way you guys being mad at me was handled I decided that I didn't, I don't owe you anything. So if you want to hold on to my stuff and never give it back, so be it. I can't make you do anything, and I'm tired of trying to alway fix things. Maybe this is just something that can't be fixed right now. I've always believed in fate, and this is my time to see where it will lead me. So stop calling, stop writing. Just let me be. Accept that I'm happy and that oyu can't be part of that right now. I can't share that with you. This is something I need to do on my own. And yes it sucks, I can admit that and I'm fine if you think I'm a selfish bitch and a horrible person, but this is my choice. My choice to say no, my choice to end this. And maybe in a few monthes or a year we will run into one another and things will be different, but right now they're not and this is the way I feel, and I wish you could respect that. I've moved into a part of my life that none of you can understand or be in. Because in running away from all of you for the past few monthes I've run into myself, and I've started to find out who i am and what I want. I've made friends who care about me, I got promoted at work and am now full time and a manager, I'm making plans for going back to school in the fall, I've met someone. I'm happy. And though yes I wish things could've worked out differently they aren't, they can't, and no matter what you say right now, they won't.
So Linsie, Megan, Brittany, Josh....
I can still remember the morning I left... I can remember how we all cried and how no one wanted to say goodbye. I can remember being so scared that I would lose you all if I wasn't right there with you at all times. I can remember loving each and every one of you soo much. I can remember not wanting to leave. But I did, and the whole time I felt horrible, and I didn't think about how i would be alone, I thought of how each of you would feel without me. I wasn't sad for me, I was sad about you, because I cared about each of you more than myself. But you each showed me Linsie and Megan from the phone call, brittany from not saying a word while they bitched at me one the phone, and Josh, well hell for not calling that I needed to think about me. Mostly though, the end point was that on the day I left you all said you LOVED ME. But you didn't and you don't, because if you loved me, you would've called me sober, you would've called me at all. So yea, maybe i fucked up, maybe I left you, maybe i didn't call everyday... but maybe you didn't take one second to think how I felt everyday, how alone I was. I was in a huge city, no friends, new job, bills to pay, and I had no one to depend on, because you guys couldn't stop thinking about how this whole situation made YOU feel. From the beginning I told each and everyone one of you that this experience in my life was about me and ONLY me, and it was. It always has been.
I can't say that in any other way. I left because I wanted to, because I needed to... because I needed to find out what I needed, what I wanted, by myself, alone. And it has made me stronger, and it has made me a better person. SO if you ever truelly cared about me, accept that. I'm not saying it is easy. And don't think that this has been easy on me, I fight urges everytime I read what you may write to want to jump in and let you know i still think about all of you. But I can't.
So I'm done. This is my last entry. I hope you can respect what I have said and what I have asked. Thank you.
Love,
Cait
Mostly, to run away. Away from my parents.. but also away from my life. I knew that if I stayed in Michigan that I would've never moved past the point I was stuck in. I would never have gone back to school. I would've stayed in relationships that I thought were healthy but weren't. Don't get me wrong, there were a few people that I didn't want to leave. But it turns out I was wrong. Because everyone assumed that me moving here was to get away from them. And its funny that the two people I wanted to get away from, are now the two closest people to me, my mom and dad. Probably because they were the only people that took themselves out of the equation. They were the only two people who didn't relate my move to them, they let me go without saying I was running from them. When everyone thought I was leaving them, they knew that I was leaving me. I left a big part of who I used to be in Michigan, and part of me that I will never be again. And i know some people won't understand, I'm not asking anyone to understand. Honestly, I don't think anyone really could understand, because no one truelly knew the state in which I was in, I don't think even I knew. I knew I wasn't happy, but I didn't realize how big of an affect my attitude had on my outlook on my life, and where I was going. Yes, I left people I loved... people I truelly cared about, honestly people I still do care about. But you wanna know what... I'm not sorry for leaving. I think leaving has been the best thing I have ever done for MYSELF. And maybe that sounds selfish, but maybe it was time I was selfish, and stopped worrying about what everyone else would think and how they would feel. So you can be mad at me, you can hate me, you can talk shit about me, I don't care, do what you need to do to make it easier for you... but keep in mind here I don't say bad things about you to people who ask who you are when they see your pictures. The same people who when I talk to them about whats happened don't tell me to screw you all. They all know the impact all of you have had on my life. Because you have... I still remember all the great times we had, but something is different. I'm not saying it is anyones fault, and I take blame for things that have happened, I know I'm not perfect. But the simple thing is that I'm not ready to deal with it... I'm not ready to talk on the phone, because I fear that we'll say we are sorry and you'll want things to go back to normal. and they can't. I can't be that best friend, friend, girlfriend that you all had, because that's not me anymore. I've changed A LOT! Yea, I'm still the same old Caitlin in some aspects, but there are some major changes in the way I feel about myself, and the way I let people treat me. So I'm sorry if it makes you mad/upset/hurt, that I can't call back, but this is what I can give you now. So take it or leave it, and I would completely understand if you didn't take it.
Why I won't call back?
It was more than a drunken call.... it was more than all the bitchy things that were said on both ends. There was WAY too much shit between all of us. Plain and simple, we all said we were best friends but we were the first to turn around and talk shit about the others, and thats sad. That wasn't friendship. It was a bunch of bitchy girls who hung out together. Do I think I was closer to some of you than others? Yes! But does it still take away form what we were. No. We were all bitches, we lied to each other, we stabbed each other in the back, and while we were always there for each other, we never really listened, we never really fixed anything. It was like because we said we cared about each other and loved each that that was all we needed to do. But there needed to be more, there needs to be more. It was like we had nothing better to do than tear each other apart, because that is what we did. We made each other feel fat, ugly, and one of us was almost always the reason why another one of us was crying. But it was okay, because we loved each other and we said sorry, but then we would fall back into the saem circle, except this time, someone else would be on the outside, and three would be great friends or two would be great friends, but there was rarely a point in whcih we could all just be friends. i can't deal with that. I can't deal with the drama anymore. i can't deal with constantly thinking who is my friend and who is saying shit about me behind my back. I do applaud you though, because that drunk call was one of the first times you all told me how you felt, HONESTLY, you didn't hold anything back. At the same time though it was the breaking point, it was the last straw. My last straw. As horrible as this sounds I needed to get out. When I think of that night I don't think of how you made me feel, I think of HOW I LET YOU MAKE ME FEEL. I could've hung up, I could've turned off my phone... but no I sat there crying on the phone for an hour and let you yell at me, bitch at me, make me feel like a horrible person. I LET YOU DO THAT TO ME. And it won't happen anymore. That was the first time I had cried while being down here, it was the first time in weeks that I had felt like shit. The one thing that none of you knew was that I had gotten off the phone with my mom to talk to you guys... and when i ended the conversation with you and called her back she said I was a completely different person. She said I had gone from sounding so happy, to sounding miserable. So that is why I'm not calling back... not because I don't want to, or don't have time... BECAUSE I DON'T NEED TO. The old Caitlin would've called back, she would've said she was sorry and a total bitch. But after the way you guys being mad at me was handled I decided that I didn't, I don't owe you anything. So if you want to hold on to my stuff and never give it back, so be it. I can't make you do anything, and I'm tired of trying to alway fix things. Maybe this is just something that can't be fixed right now. I've always believed in fate, and this is my time to see where it will lead me. So stop calling, stop writing. Just let me be. Accept that I'm happy and that oyu can't be part of that right now. I can't share that with you. This is something I need to do on my own. And yes it sucks, I can admit that and I'm fine if you think I'm a selfish bitch and a horrible person, but this is my choice. My choice to say no, my choice to end this. And maybe in a few monthes or a year we will run into one another and things will be different, but right now they're not and this is the way I feel, and I wish you could respect that. I've moved into a part of my life that none of you can understand or be in. Because in running away from all of you for the past few monthes I've run into myself, and I've started to find out who i am and what I want. I've made friends who care about me, I got promoted at work and am now full time and a manager, I'm making plans for going back to school in the fall, I've met someone. I'm happy. And though yes I wish things could've worked out differently they aren't, they can't, and no matter what you say right now, they won't.
So Linsie, Megan, Brittany, Josh....
I can still remember the morning I left... I can remember how we all cried and how no one wanted to say goodbye. I can remember being so scared that I would lose you all if I wasn't right there with you at all times. I can remember loving each and every one of you soo much. I can remember not wanting to leave. But I did, and the whole time I felt horrible, and I didn't think about how i would be alone, I thought of how each of you would feel without me. I wasn't sad for me, I was sad about you, because I cared about each of you more than myself. But you each showed me Linsie and Megan from the phone call, brittany from not saying a word while they bitched at me one the phone, and Josh, well hell for not calling that I needed to think about me. Mostly though, the end point was that on the day I left you all said you LOVED ME. But you didn't and you don't, because if you loved me, you would've called me sober, you would've called me at all. So yea, maybe i fucked up, maybe I left you, maybe i didn't call everyday... but maybe you didn't take one second to think how I felt everyday, how alone I was. I was in a huge city, no friends, new job, bills to pay, and I had no one to depend on, because you guys couldn't stop thinking about how this whole situation made YOU feel. From the beginning I told each and everyone one of you that this experience in my life was about me and ONLY me, and it was. It always has been.
I can't say that in any other way. I left because I wanted to, because I needed to... because I needed to find out what I needed, what I wanted, by myself, alone. And it has made me stronger, and it has made me a better person. SO if you ever truelly cared about me, accept that. I'm not saying it is easy. And don't think that this has been easy on me, I fight urges everytime I read what you may write to want to jump in and let you know i still think about all of you. But I can't.
So I'm done. This is my last entry. I hope you can respect what I have said and what I have asked. Thank you.
Love,
Cait