(no subject)
Now suddenly I realise why I hate not being in school, not having a millionsthings to do. I can sit here and think. I just got done watchin a movie called HOME ROOM with Busy Philips. Great movie.
But that has nothing to do with all the stupid ass shit that is going through my head right now. This shit with my mom, the fact that I can never have a child, the fact that I will probably never get married(not that that is any f-ing prise I just want the dress LOL.) Why is all this shit keep runnning through my head now? I knew ata young age that the only way Iwould have kid is if I could give birth, but well biology fucked me out of that one. Sometimes I am so angry that I am like this. It pisses me off so much to hear women bitch about their period or having to go to a gyno or all the other shit the chicks at work like bitching about to me. Can't they see I am not sympathetic to them, can't they see that I think their bitching and moaning is completely self centered and embasilic? I so wish I had to worry about those things, and not are my tits showing at work? Do you think they will notice that my hips are getting kinda wide for a guy? Will another customer ask about the chick that works in the paint shop? Will another waitress tell someone to get HER(pointing to me) a refill right behind my boss? Fuck I will take cramps and bleeding anyday over having to worry everyday about loosing my job because of who I am.
The fact that the bastards at work are picking on me more and more each day now that my one friend there Jon quit. It was a good thing that I was the only one he never got mad at, it was weird this understanding we had. It was like he was one of the few people in life that really listened and didn't just wait for their turn to speak. Granted he was a violent natured person, but he had most of that under wraps fairly well, and I knew that he would never hurt me so I took comfort in that fact. I also took comfort in the fact that he was the most open minded SOB that I have met in the who Body Shop field.
Here is how my day went
Skip to lunch morning is a boring blur that I refuse to remember. The Akzo Nobel representative is there taking us out to lunch. As per usual my boss wants to go to Extra Billy's BBQ. I live BBQ just as much as the next person so fuck yeah I wa going to go. Now mind you there is a FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL waiter that works there. I am not talking a little flaming I am talking a complete 4 alarm mutha fucka with a ladder truck. So we are all in my bosses Ukon or Suburban or what ever the big assed SUV is in style at the moment. I am in the very far back seat that you have to take apart the front row to get to, I am sitting next to one of the other painters. Of course the conversation goes to the waiter at extra billy's I guess it makes straight men feel more affirmed in their masculinity to make fun of effiminate gay men. So big redneck starts going on and on and on and on about how he can not understand how a man can look at a woman and not get turned on, but can look at a 'hairy assed ball sack havin mutha fucka' and get turned on. Then he turns around to me and say "Could you explain that to me Eric?" HEhehehe I laugh ever so slightly taken aback, and cursing the whole while because I know this is what they really think of me. As one of the guys I work with says all the time " There is always a little truth in a joke." Now most of you know me from a one on one basis and know that when I am startled I am not exactly the most eloquent of people. I just started stuttering, so everyone had to say in turn "Yeah Eric why don't you tell us." I just shut up cause i could not speak anyway, and then the painter next to me said "Hey Eric quit touching my leg..." over and over and over. Fuck they need some creativity. So yeah that would not have been bad had it lasted as long as it took you to read this, but well it went on for at least a half an hour, then people got their food, and once we went back outside it started up again.
Why do I think I am not going to have this job much longer? Why do I think someone is going to finally notice I am not quite a boy? Fuck it.
But that has nothing to do with all the stupid ass shit that is going through my head right now. This shit with my mom, the fact that I can never have a child, the fact that I will probably never get married(not that that is any f-ing prise I just want the dress LOL.) Why is all this shit keep runnning through my head now? I knew ata young age that the only way Iwould have kid is if I could give birth, but well biology fucked me out of that one. Sometimes I am so angry that I am like this. It pisses me off so much to hear women bitch about their period or having to go to a gyno or all the other shit the chicks at work like bitching about to me. Can't they see I am not sympathetic to them, can't they see that I think their bitching and moaning is completely self centered and embasilic? I so wish I had to worry about those things, and not are my tits showing at work? Do you think they will notice that my hips are getting kinda wide for a guy? Will another customer ask about the chick that works in the paint shop? Will another waitress tell someone to get HER(pointing to me) a refill right behind my boss? Fuck I will take cramps and bleeding anyday over having to worry everyday about loosing my job because of who I am.
The fact that the bastards at work are picking on me more and more each day now that my one friend there Jon quit. It was a good thing that I was the only one he never got mad at, it was weird this understanding we had. It was like he was one of the few people in life that really listened and didn't just wait for their turn to speak. Granted he was a violent natured person, but he had most of that under wraps fairly well, and I knew that he would never hurt me so I took comfort in that fact. I also took comfort in the fact that he was the most open minded SOB that I have met in the who Body Shop field.
Here is how my day went
Skip to lunch morning is a boring blur that I refuse to remember. The Akzo Nobel representative is there taking us out to lunch. As per usual my boss wants to go to Extra Billy's BBQ. I live BBQ just as much as the next person so fuck yeah I wa going to go. Now mind you there is a FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL waiter that works there. I am not talking a little flaming I am talking a complete 4 alarm mutha fucka with a ladder truck. So we are all in my bosses Ukon or Suburban or what ever the big assed SUV is in style at the moment. I am in the very far back seat that you have to take apart the front row to get to, I am sitting next to one of the other painters. Of course the conversation goes to the waiter at extra billy's I guess it makes straight men feel more affirmed in their masculinity to make fun of effiminate gay men. So big redneck starts going on and on and on and on about how he can not understand how a man can look at a woman and not get turned on, but can look at a 'hairy assed ball sack havin mutha fucka' and get turned on. Then he turns around to me and say "Could you explain that to me Eric?" HEhehehe I laugh ever so slightly taken aback, and cursing the whole while because I know this is what they really think of me. As one of the guys I work with says all the time " There is always a little truth in a joke." Now most of you know me from a one on one basis and know that when I am startled I am not exactly the most eloquent of people. I just started stuttering, so everyone had to say in turn "Yeah Eric why don't you tell us." I just shut up cause i could not speak anyway, and then the painter next to me said "Hey Eric quit touching my leg..." over and over and over. Fuck they need some creativity. So yeah that would not have been bad had it lasted as long as it took you to read this, but well it went on for at least a half an hour, then people got their food, and once we went back outside it started up again.
Why do I think I am not going to have this job much longer? Why do I think someone is going to finally notice I am not quite a boy? Fuck it.