bittersweet is life and the day counting another year of it...
The last couple of days have been whirlwinds of stress, work, and just waiting.. moving out of our rooms we've lived in all year, just staring at the blank walls afterward. cleaning up, setting up, taking down again, and cleaning again. school is out and this is grad.
kelli stout lit my candle for good luck and blessing on friday night. :) i wouldn't have wanted it to be by anyone else.
my birthday was saturday, and i swear i haven't cried so much all year. i think everything built up until it spilled over and burst open and gosh, didn't think those tear ducts could contain so much water, and i could be left so disconsolate, unable to speak when trying to talk to people that are practically family since the biological ones weren't around.
so this is my story, i turned 17 on the 28th. yes, 17 years, and i tried to write some song like Jon Foreman when he turned 25, but it was midnight, and i borrowed Em's guitar, and thought it not such a great idea after as we sat in the hall with slamming doors on every side from tired faces. but everyone had their family with them the next morning, taking them to lunch, parents, siblings, cousins, belonging... all eyes on proud accomplishments of seniors, and I felt somewhat...which was in all fairness, yet still frustration...forgotten. I felt like I didn't want this day to have come, and somehow the remorse and every other stress, built up, til' the ground blurred uncontrollably and I ran to Jessica's house balling my eyes out. Alan told me the most uncomfortable thing for him is to see girls cry, especially girls he is close to. And there I am, I stand in her doorway, and he's standing in the kitchen, alone with just Jessica's mom, wearing some funny apron, and i don't know, his jaw dropped, he had one of those odd intense uncomfortable expressions, that usually make me laugh, but in this case, well, it might have still made me laugh, and he just stands there, acts like he's never met me before in his life, and just waves and says 'hi' in some small voice. And of course I'm quivering, no words are clear, and I gasp for air and ask if "Jess is around." And then they take me into her bedroom, close the door, and her mom comes in too, so sweet, with tissues, with promises, with hugs and love. "We made a cake just for you, stay as long as you want, I made food, just for you, just for you, don't feel bad, we love you." and they're almost done preparing it all, so I run home to change, splash cold water on my face, and Cody comes in their house to get his yearbook, and says "hi", and I do back, and he doesn't notice a thing. And then I run back to the dorm, Swena gives me flowers, and I grab my phone, listen to some messages my family left me, and my best friend, and drop by Soule's apartment to talk for a second, only to find him sitting down at the head of the table along with all of his family and cousins, and I just stand blankly at the doorway, ask for a couple seconds, and he gets up and brings me to the back room, and I swear, I couldn't breathe, get any words out, and he just hugs me, lets me wipe my tears and my snot all over his shirt, til' I'm ready to go on my way. And at Jessica's, her mom made tamale's and rice and cake, and it was awesome, even if it wasn't just for me. Ha.
At church, a certain boy, for some stupid reason, important to me only nodded along with other aquantainces good wishes of a happy birthday, didn't say or look much at me, and that's it, and that upset me, until he left some poem he wrote for me with my roomate to give me. Some guy I don't know, who visited it at the beginning of the year, who I was introduced to, runs up to remind me of we were "best friends for a day", offers me a shoulder to cry on if I need it for grad, tells me he has nothing to do and nowhere to sit, and he might just tag along with whatever I do for the rest of the day. And directly quoted, he feels like he's "following me like a lost puppy." and maybe it's because he is. And he's graduated already, and badly needs a bath and he was tall and goth and awkward, and knows plently of other people a lot better than I, but does not want to leave my side, and he was a nice guy, yet it was.....weird. And my best friend calls during church, and I get bad looks for old people, yet leave, and that made my day.
And then after lunch, Jess and Alan take me to River Front Park, and Eddie and Brian meet us there. And to Northtown mall, where the guys head off to quickly pick up something, which meant to find me a gift, like the movie "Kill Bill"...to add "ington" to the end. Ha. Just for me. Or to steal model planes on display. But could not find much, only to find me at Nordstrom with Jess, and they offered to let me borrow money for anything I wanted, and then ended up after buying it for me yelling "happy birthday" and refusing pay back. And they bought me some rad white belt that everyone told me they loved when I got back to school, and almost a green flowy skirt I loved, that was $40, but was argued out of being so high a price by me, although they were sweet, having the money out for me already, sweet whispers, "Alan, buy her the skirt, do it, here's the money. I got it really." And they are the sweetest best friends I could ask for. And then we walked through the park, it was such a hot sunny day, we went to the falls, took a lot of funny pictures together, laid on the grass, and Alan bought us snow cones. And then we headed back for the program I had to be at that night, Eddie grabbed us taco bell, and candy and that was it. It was great. And I was so glad and thankful!
and tomorrow I fly home, for summer, for rest, for everything to start all over again. and I can't wait. thanks for a great year, to friends, to God.
kelli stout lit my candle for good luck and blessing on friday night. :) i wouldn't have wanted it to be by anyone else.
my birthday was saturday, and i swear i haven't cried so much all year. i think everything built up until it spilled over and burst open and gosh, didn't think those tear ducts could contain so much water, and i could be left so disconsolate, unable to speak when trying to talk to people that are practically family since the biological ones weren't around.
so this is my story, i turned 17 on the 28th. yes, 17 years, and i tried to write some song like Jon Foreman when he turned 25, but it was midnight, and i borrowed Em's guitar, and thought it not such a great idea after as we sat in the hall with slamming doors on every side from tired faces. but everyone had their family with them the next morning, taking them to lunch, parents, siblings, cousins, belonging... all eyes on proud accomplishments of seniors, and I felt somewhat...which was in all fairness, yet still frustration...forgotten. I felt like I didn't want this day to have come, and somehow the remorse and every other stress, built up, til' the ground blurred uncontrollably and I ran to Jessica's house balling my eyes out. Alan told me the most uncomfortable thing for him is to see girls cry, especially girls he is close to. And there I am, I stand in her doorway, and he's standing in the kitchen, alone with just Jessica's mom, wearing some funny apron, and i don't know, his jaw dropped, he had one of those odd intense uncomfortable expressions, that usually make me laugh, but in this case, well, it might have still made me laugh, and he just stands there, acts like he's never met me before in his life, and just waves and says 'hi' in some small voice. And of course I'm quivering, no words are clear, and I gasp for air and ask if "Jess is around." And then they take me into her bedroom, close the door, and her mom comes in too, so sweet, with tissues, with promises, with hugs and love. "We made a cake just for you, stay as long as you want, I made food, just for you, just for you, don't feel bad, we love you." and they're almost done preparing it all, so I run home to change, splash cold water on my face, and Cody comes in their house to get his yearbook, and says "hi", and I do back, and he doesn't notice a thing. And then I run back to the dorm, Swena gives me flowers, and I grab my phone, listen to some messages my family left me, and my best friend, and drop by Soule's apartment to talk for a second, only to find him sitting down at the head of the table along with all of his family and cousins, and I just stand blankly at the doorway, ask for a couple seconds, and he gets up and brings me to the back room, and I swear, I couldn't breathe, get any words out, and he just hugs me, lets me wipe my tears and my snot all over his shirt, til' I'm ready to go on my way. And at Jessica's, her mom made tamale's and rice and cake, and it was awesome, even if it wasn't just for me. Ha.
At church, a certain boy, for some stupid reason, important to me only nodded along with other aquantainces good wishes of a happy birthday, didn't say or look much at me, and that's it, and that upset me, until he left some poem he wrote for me with my roomate to give me. Some guy I don't know, who visited it at the beginning of the year, who I was introduced to, runs up to remind me of we were "best friends for a day", offers me a shoulder to cry on if I need it for grad, tells me he has nothing to do and nowhere to sit, and he might just tag along with whatever I do for the rest of the day. And directly quoted, he feels like he's "following me like a lost puppy." and maybe it's because he is. And he's graduated already, and badly needs a bath and he was tall and goth and awkward, and knows plently of other people a lot better than I, but does not want to leave my side, and he was a nice guy, yet it was.....weird. And my best friend calls during church, and I get bad looks for old people, yet leave, and that made my day.
And then after lunch, Jess and Alan take me to River Front Park, and Eddie and Brian meet us there. And to Northtown mall, where the guys head off to quickly pick up something, which meant to find me a gift, like the movie "Kill Bill"...to add "ington" to the end. Ha. Just for me. Or to steal model planes on display. But could not find much, only to find me at Nordstrom with Jess, and they offered to let me borrow money for anything I wanted, and then ended up after buying it for me yelling "happy birthday" and refusing pay back. And they bought me some rad white belt that everyone told me they loved when I got back to school, and almost a green flowy skirt I loved, that was $40, but was argued out of being so high a price by me, although they were sweet, having the money out for me already, sweet whispers, "Alan, buy her the skirt, do it, here's the money. I got it really." And they are the sweetest best friends I could ask for. And then we walked through the park, it was such a hot sunny day, we went to the falls, took a lot of funny pictures together, laid on the grass, and Alan bought us snow cones. And then we headed back for the program I had to be at that night, Eddie grabbed us taco bell, and candy and that was it. It was great. And I was so glad and thankful!
and tomorrow I fly home, for summer, for rest, for everything to start all over again. and I can't wait. thanks for a great year, to friends, to God.