2023; angles of incidence

[dream_logic]

well, i thought 2022 was going to take the cake for being a fucking rollercoaster, but boy.. for all my complaints about being plagued with seeing things in the future, i sure as fuck don't listen to a single thing i've said.

less than a month and a half into 2023, and i'm already dizzy. let's see:

1. i got surgery dates for my orchi and FFS. yay!
2. my dad passed away, and i spent almost 3 weeks in CT. boo!
3. my mom is completely unsurprised when i tell her i know things i shouldn't, and proceeds to relate some interesting bits of family history to me. ???
4. got dolled up and felt really sexy and empowered for ..not the very first time, but definitely the most, of very few times. yay!
5. a friend asked me an interesting question about privilege, but on further examination is causing me a little bit of feminist/existential crisis. ???
6. i caught covid. boo!
7. lost my orchi date due to (pick one) covid or i was going to cancel it anyway to misrepresentation by the surgeon. boo!
8. thought i'd lost my FFS date as well (from getting covid - oh yeah, the day before going into pre-op quarantine, fml). boo!
9. maintained my FFS date, which is now less than 2 weeks away. yay!

i am spending maybe too much time in therapy trying to figure out how to deal with information told to me by a future-versions of past-selves. or more accurately, trying to deal with the fact that i don't listen to myself until it's almost too late and then when i finally do, i'm like, well.. duh. i told me so. (which, btw.. told you so is not at all satisfying when you're directing that at your own self)

i have a theory, in metaphor format, about why it is easier to see the future when things are in upheaval. but it's largely irrelevant to this discussion.

it's frustrating to start to get up to speed writing an entry, to suddenly just be like, "well, that was all of the energy i had for this today", because there was a whole bigger topic about feminism and misogynistic cultural programming (and how that, as i'm going through puberty a second time, it's absolutely fascinating to see pieces of 1970s and 1980s "gender standards" slowly percolate up through my consciousness and attempt to modify my behavior). almost as fascinating is that i'm not sure how much of this i can alter, even as i watch it coming. i mean, i am the sum of all versions of me over this range of experiences. especially when i don't want to be (or even really can be) clinically detached from myself anymore.

also, i'm just really tired of having an existential crisis WHILE having covid.
naptime.