julia its long but please read so you have an idea what i mean about thingshello__im_hereMay 19 2005, 19:41:11 UTC
i really felt that that was some how a heartfelt apologie and i appreciate it. but something makes me afraid to try with you again.
you see i always try to look for the good in people, and someone told me that that was a blessing. to me its a handicap cause you know i tend to ignore the bad. so whenever i forgive people and try to forget about the bad i just get hurt all over again. and well its not like a hey look i fell and broke my arm hurt its more like hey look i tripped over my stupidity and trust in people and broke my heart look. and i know your probably thinking how can her friends break her heart only love breaks peoples hearts, but when they are all i felt ive had to hang on to, to trust, it tends to hurt more then physical pain that actually heals. you know what it feels like when your hearts broken? it feels like alls well, then your heart its stops in your chest, then it falls making your breathing stop momenterily, it hits your stomach and dissolves misserably letting all the blood rise to your throat and you then start choking on disbelief or blood as you may have it, and you cant speak, you cant process it in your mind, whats going on. then you feel very very empty for a long time. if only i could describe it exactly. when did it feel like this you may ask? well julia it happened in science when you said that to me i felt betrayed and like i was not your friend and i remembered all those times i had been there for you comforting you with your problems and just ya... and even though i said that long ago i still regret saying it but i wonder do you ever regret saying things that ever hurt me? because most of the time you hurt me and dont even realize it and i dont know if i want to get hurt again. its like building blocks julia it builds up, and builds up, the things you said or did to hurt me, and i made it to the top the top of the building blocks and im standin' here and im thinking do i wanna go on like this get higher and higher until i topple over and im looking down at the blocks and im thinking was it worth it, all those times i was there for you, just to look down at blocks of hurt?
you have scared me over time, julia you have, and i always see you trying to messily stitch me back up with appologies, and i dont think it will work anymore my heart will just spit out the stitches. stop trying to sew you suck at it.
Also im not saying im the only one thats hurt here and if i hurt you too then im sorry but ive tried to make up for it one way or another i had always told you id be there when you need me. but see when you hurt me or anyone else for that matter you promise you'll change but you never do. and every time you say you will i believe you and set myself up to be hurt again you see endless cycle here and im at a point were i want to believ you but im afraid.
Re: julia its long but please read so you have an idea what i mean about thingsdream_i_do0May 24 2005, 16:43:56 UTC
"o yeah... if anyones gonna comment dont be all mean." thats what i said. im sorry if i sound like im being a bitch but to me that was kinda mean. i know im not the best at fixing things but honestly "stop trying to sew you suck at it".
im not trying to be mean or start a fight but that kinda bothers me. :(
you see i always try to look for the good in people, and someone told me that that was a blessing.
to me its a handicap cause you know i tend to ignore the bad.
so whenever i forgive people and try to forget about the bad i just get hurt all over again.
and well its not like a hey look i fell and broke my arm hurt its more like hey look i tripped over my stupidity and trust in people and broke my heart look. and i know your probably thinking how can her friends break her heart only love breaks peoples hearts, but when they are all i felt ive had to hang on to, to trust, it tends to hurt more then physical pain that actually heals.
you know what it feels like when your hearts broken? it feels like alls well, then your heart its stops in your chest, then it falls making your breathing stop momenterily, it hits your stomach and dissolves misserably letting all the blood rise to your throat and you then start choking on disbelief or blood as you may have it, and you cant speak, you cant process it in your mind, whats going on.
then you feel very very empty for a long time.
if only i could describe it exactly.
when did it feel like this you may ask? well julia it happened in science when you said that to me i felt betrayed and like i was not your friend and i remembered all those times i had been there for you comforting you with your problems and just ya...
and even though i said that long ago i still regret saying it but i wonder do you ever regret saying things that ever hurt me?
because most of the time you hurt me and dont even realize it and i dont know if i want to get hurt again.
its like building blocks julia it builds up, and builds up, the things you said or did to hurt me, and i made it to the top the top of the building blocks and im standin' here and im thinking do i wanna go on like this get higher and higher until i topple over and im looking down at the blocks and im thinking was it worth it, all those times i was there for you, just to look down at blocks of hurt?
you have scared me over time, julia you have, and i always see you trying to messily stitch me back up with appologies, and i dont think it will work anymore my heart will just spit out the stitches.
stop trying to sew you suck at it.
Also im not saying im the only one thats hurt here and if i hurt you too then im sorry but ive tried to make up for it one way or another i had always told you id be there when you need me.
but see when you hurt me or anyone else for that matter you promise you'll change but you never do.
and every time you say you will i believe you and set myself up to be hurt again you see endless cycle here and im at a point were i want to believ you but im afraid.
Reply
thats what i said. im sorry if i sound like im being a bitch but to me that was kinda mean. i know im not the best at fixing things but honestly "stop trying to sew you suck at it".
im not trying to be mean or start a fight but that kinda bothers me. :(
Reply
Leave a comment