(no subject)
raaaar!!!! am i really that fucking mean? honestly, am i??
i have no clue why but when im around john im a bitch. i dont know why and i dont mean it. i try to help it. i really do, but i just cant figure out how. well... im bitchier than usual that is.
wtf!! i dont know why i even ask people what i do wrong and how im mean, cuz apparently i deny everything and "turn it around". well maybe i do but its because of the way everyone says things to me. just like how when i say "that looks funny", the way i say it makes it sound like im criticizing(sp?), but im really just saying "ha. thats funny." sometimes thats kinda my way of saying "ha. thats kewl" i guess.
everyone hasta take me so seriously too... im just kidding around and they friggin all flip out on me. jeez. but back to the little "way everyone says things to me" thing. when i ask what i did wrong people say it in a way like theyre trying to make me feel like shit about it, which they probably are and i dont blame them, but if im trying to fix something or figure something out im kinda thinking its not the right time. and if anyones reading this and being all like "godd. stop making excuses for everything." im not! thats what goes on inside my head and thats how i feel. i guess im just really fuct up or something! but honestly if you are told all things you do wrong to and around people wouldnt you want it to be told to you in way that would allow you to think things over. everyone was saying the same thing as meg, but when she said it, it made me think. not flip out or get upset or "turn it around or anything... it made me be able to think about it.
i really hate when i am trying to talk about it, and after everyone tells me what i did/do wrong i try to say something, anything, i dont really know exactly what it is that sets everyone off, but then they all go "godd. shes doing it again." and they make faces and shit. and im not saying any of this to make anyone feel bad for me or anything. im trying to let this out to the only person (if you can call a computer that) who listens to me without yelling and making me feel like shit. thats kinda pathetic. i think i need better people skills.
i really like hanging with kelly rob chris and of course john because as kelly says, "theres less drama". when im with them no one really fights or gets all "raaaaar". i cant really explain it but its just better. and i know i probably start most of the drama with my friends. kelly even admitted it, but it doesnt bother me cuz i know i do. but if im with them i dont really have that much to be upset about. and im sorry if im a pain around them, but i really like to help everyone out and try to make everyone feel all happy and better. that goes for sam and caitlin and derek and meg and everyone else too, but with caitlin and them im the problem and its so frustrating that i cant just fix it. i try. i really do try. its just i get lost in the moment and i really do and say thing i really dont mean or think about.
o yeah. on top of everything i got suspended from school today. guess im not going anywhere tomorrow. but im gonna try so hard to find a way to see john. i dont wanna sound mean or anything, but right now hes the only person who really makes me happy. thats probably because he doesnt get upset with me easily. i feel so weird when im with him, in his arms. i really feel like nothing bad can happen. like no ones going to get mad at me. i swear im in a completely different world... then i go home and come back to reality. thats where everyone else is. and i guess "everyone else" just gets upset with me and i get upset back.
and derek im not like trying to make everyone who reads this be all like "she talking about how she feels about us and then she hasta talk about john again". im sorry if it comes off that way or something but i cant help it. hes the only thing thats making me happy at this point in time. i really try make everyone happy. i try so hard not to ditch, ignore,and be mean to people, but it always somehow backfires. i know im not a very good person. heck, id be the first to admit that, but i really try so hard to be a good friend or whatever without being mean or a bad friend to everyone else. i just always somehow backfires. and i dont talk behind peoples backs. is this talking behind peoples backs?? well, i dont think it is. because this is exactly the type of things i say to someone when im venting. i might throw in some mean comment but i really dont mean it cuz at the time i had to think of something to make myself feel better. selfish? yup. backstabbing? no. believe me, i dont think badly of my friends at all. i just get aggrivated with them, and i let something out that i know will get them upset. i dont really think about what im saying, but ever since caitlin said that thing about me around christmas (i know it was a while ago and i shouldnt bring it up cuz it sounds like im trying to like "turn things around" or be mean or whatever) but she said that cuz she was upset i know but that made me feel like shit. and honestly, ever since then i think ive had this anger towards her. thinking about that makes me think about how i say stuff like that, and it makes me realize why everyone gets mad at me. then they think im trying to pick them apart, but im not. chances are, when i say those things its cuz im mad, not because i want to hurt them. or even sometimes i'll say things and not even realize im being mean about them.
i really dont know what to do. i try to fix things and i try to change (by that i mean be a nice/better person), but i just dont realize im doing anything wrong until everyone lets it build up i guess. then they all come at me about it at once about things. im sorry im so difficult to deal with but i dont know what else i can do. ive tried. theyve tried. my parents and therapist have tried. im thinking im hopeless!
i dont know if any of that really makes sense cuz i didnt really plan it out in my mind. im kinda just rambling, but whatever. bibizZz.
o yeah... if anyones gonna comment dont be all mean. im not trying to get anyone mad, or appologive, or be mean. im just trying to vent and i wanna see if anyone has any advice. i really dont know how to fix things.
i have no clue why but when im around john im a bitch. i dont know why and i dont mean it. i try to help it. i really do, but i just cant figure out how. well... im bitchier than usual that is.
wtf!! i dont know why i even ask people what i do wrong and how im mean, cuz apparently i deny everything and "turn it around". well maybe i do but its because of the way everyone says things to me. just like how when i say "that looks funny", the way i say it makes it sound like im criticizing(sp?), but im really just saying "ha. thats funny." sometimes thats kinda my way of saying "ha. thats kewl" i guess.
everyone hasta take me so seriously too... im just kidding around and they friggin all flip out on me. jeez. but back to the little "way everyone says things to me" thing. when i ask what i did wrong people say it in a way like theyre trying to make me feel like shit about it, which they probably are and i dont blame them, but if im trying to fix something or figure something out im kinda thinking its not the right time. and if anyones reading this and being all like "godd. stop making excuses for everything." im not! thats what goes on inside my head and thats how i feel. i guess im just really fuct up or something! but honestly if you are told all things you do wrong to and around people wouldnt you want it to be told to you in way that would allow you to think things over. everyone was saying the same thing as meg, but when she said it, it made me think. not flip out or get upset or "turn it around or anything... it made me be able to think about it.
i really hate when i am trying to talk about it, and after everyone tells me what i did/do wrong i try to say something, anything, i dont really know exactly what it is that sets everyone off, but then they all go "godd. shes doing it again." and they make faces and shit. and im not saying any of this to make anyone feel bad for me or anything. im trying to let this out to the only person (if you can call a computer that) who listens to me without yelling and making me feel like shit. thats kinda pathetic. i think i need better people skills.
i really like hanging with kelly rob chris and of course john because as kelly says, "theres less drama". when im with them no one really fights or gets all "raaaaar". i cant really explain it but its just better. and i know i probably start most of the drama with my friends. kelly even admitted it, but it doesnt bother me cuz i know i do. but if im with them i dont really have that much to be upset about. and im sorry if im a pain around them, but i really like to help everyone out and try to make everyone feel all happy and better. that goes for sam and caitlin and derek and meg and everyone else too, but with caitlin and them im the problem and its so frustrating that i cant just fix it. i try. i really do try. its just i get lost in the moment and i really do and say thing i really dont mean or think about.
o yeah. on top of everything i got suspended from school today. guess im not going anywhere tomorrow. but im gonna try so hard to find a way to see john. i dont wanna sound mean or anything, but right now hes the only person who really makes me happy. thats probably because he doesnt get upset with me easily. i feel so weird when im with him, in his arms. i really feel like nothing bad can happen. like no ones going to get mad at me. i swear im in a completely different world... then i go home and come back to reality. thats where everyone else is. and i guess "everyone else" just gets upset with me and i get upset back.
and derek im not like trying to make everyone who reads this be all like "she talking about how she feels about us and then she hasta talk about john again". im sorry if it comes off that way or something but i cant help it. hes the only thing thats making me happy at this point in time. i really try make everyone happy. i try so hard not to ditch, ignore,and be mean to people, but it always somehow backfires. i know im not a very good person. heck, id be the first to admit that, but i really try so hard to be a good friend or whatever without being mean or a bad friend to everyone else. i just always somehow backfires. and i dont talk behind peoples backs. is this talking behind peoples backs?? well, i dont think it is. because this is exactly the type of things i say to someone when im venting. i might throw in some mean comment but i really dont mean it cuz at the time i had to think of something to make myself feel better. selfish? yup. backstabbing? no. believe me, i dont think badly of my friends at all. i just get aggrivated with them, and i let something out that i know will get them upset. i dont really think about what im saying, but ever since caitlin said that thing about me around christmas (i know it was a while ago and i shouldnt bring it up cuz it sounds like im trying to like "turn things around" or be mean or whatever) but she said that cuz she was upset i know but that made me feel like shit. and honestly, ever since then i think ive had this anger towards her. thinking about that makes me think about how i say stuff like that, and it makes me realize why everyone gets mad at me. then they think im trying to pick them apart, but im not. chances are, when i say those things its cuz im mad, not because i want to hurt them. or even sometimes i'll say things and not even realize im being mean about them.
i really dont know what to do. i try to fix things and i try to change (by that i mean be a nice/better person), but i just dont realize im doing anything wrong until everyone lets it build up i guess. then they all come at me about it at once about things. im sorry im so difficult to deal with but i dont know what else i can do. ive tried. theyve tried. my parents and therapist have tried. im thinking im hopeless!
i dont know if any of that really makes sense cuz i didnt really plan it out in my mind. im kinda just rambling, but whatever. bibizZz.
o yeah... if anyones gonna comment dont be all mean. im not trying to get anyone mad, or appologive, or be mean. im just trying to vent and i wanna see if anyone has any advice. i really dont know how to fix things.