Jan 14, 2005 23:32
What a day. I laughed. I cried. I won. I lost. Today was full of emotional highs and lows.
School was....ehh....just....I wanted to be left alone, but of course with me that's impossible. Too many people asking me what was wrong, and me obviously not wanting to talk about it. I finally burst after the pep rally. I couldn't stop crying. Gabi tried to console me, but I had to get to the bus. On the bus I embraced Ali and the tears wouldn't stop flowing. Too many people looking at me. Too many making assumptions. Not enough that actually knew what was wrong. Eventually we got to the meet. During the warm-up, I still couldn't stop crying. I'm pretty sure almost every team saw me. It wasn't good. Even Tally saw me with tears rolling down my cheeks.
Eventually I pulled myself together because it was time for my event, the 55 hurdles. I'll be blunt. I kicked ass. I won the event with almost a personal best time. That's when things started to look up. I hung out with Brynn, got to meet some more really cool kids from Ken West, bonded with my team (David, that bus ride is unforgettable), and almost had the courage to talk to Tally but of course I chickened out.
Time to think out loud. Why can't I talk to him? Fear of rejection? Wrong. I'm not afraid of him saying no. I'm afraid of the inferences he'll make about me. "Why did he come up to me? Doesn't he have friends that go to his school?" I'm afraid he'll think that I'm alone. And isn't that one of the basic of all human fears? The fear of isolation and loss. Lifelong loneliness. Although I realize this, I can't get past it. Finding the mountain is easier that climbing it. I bother myself sometimes. I hate my limits!
Anywho, it's late.
See you later.
R.I.P. 1/14 (you're missed)