Life as a canvas: Chapter 6
Title: Life as a canvas
Part: Chapter 6: The difference between silver and grey
Pairing: Hyukjae/Donghae (others may appear)
Genre: High school au, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Life starts blank. An empty backdrop to fill with color and light. Hyukjae starts with black and white. Until along comes Donghae with a palette of all the colors of the rainbow shadowed by grays. Together, bodies like paintbrushes, they dance splattering color on the canvas that is life.
The difference between silver and grey
“Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.” ~Author Unknown
The next time Hyukjae woke up in the middle of his sleep it wasn’t due to a dream.
He heard noises. Downstairs, somewhere in the house. He thought he heard something jangle, the sound of a door being opened or maybe closed? And something knocking into something. Heart thumping in his chest, his first thought was to run to his parents’ room and get his dad.
But the alarm hadn’t gone off. If it were an intruder the alarm would have gone off notifying the house and automatically called the police. But the house was quiet if not for the sound of someone moving around.
Without thinking really, Hyukjae got out of bed, grabbed his baseball bat as an after thought and stepped out of his room.
His footfalls were light on the carpeted floor all down the hallway. When he reached the stairs, he made his way until he reached the second landing and froze. He furrowed his brows in confusion, mouth open in surprise.
“Dad?”
His father, looked caught off guard but calmed like it was completely normal to be completely dressed and prowling about the house. “Son. What are you doing up at these hours?”
Hyukjae took a step down, hand clutching the railing. “You were making a lot of noise. What were you doing?”
“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d get some work done” Hyukjae’s father started coming about the stairs, eyeing the bat in his hands. “You planning on batting the robbers to death?”
Face flushed, Hyukjae eased his grip on the bat, eyes questioning. Something about this not adding up.
“Come now” his father swung his arm around his shoulder leading him the rest of the way up. “Let’s get some sleep. You need your rest.”
They reached his room, Hyukjae more unnerved when his father left a small kiss on the top of his head like he hadn’t done since he was eight. “Dad?”
His father turned around, something about his face made Hyukjae’s stomach drop a little. “Yes, son?”
Hyukjae shook his head, small comforting grin on his face. “Goodnight dad”
He didn’t go inside his room until the bedroom to his parents’ room was closed. The house completely silent, Hyukjae crawled into his bed. Prepared for what he knew a sleepless night.
*
“Okay guys get ready. 5, 6, 7…” Hangeng counted as the music started.
Dance practice was probably the thing Hyukjae looked forward to the most in school. But today he couldn’t concentrate. He wanted to blame it on the fact that it was Monday or the fact that he was barely sleeping. And it probably was. Or that was what he wanted himself to believe.
“Yah Hyukjae!! What are you doing? Are you with us?” he abruptly looked up to see everyone in the room staring at him. The music had stopped. Hangeng, who had asked, was looking at him with worry, while Taemin was surprised by his hyung’s behavior and Junsu looked like he was trying to not laugh.
“Sorry. Yeah, I’m here” he said and tried to focus the rest of practice on dancing.
Quickly, practice was over, Hyukjae got his things together deciding to just go home and call it a day. He groaned when Donghae approached him, really not wanting to deal with his cheeriness today. “Hey. Are you okay? You seemed really distracted today.”
“I’m fine.” Hyukjae said flatly, drying his face off with a towel.
Donghae paid no attention to his tone. “Are you sure? You left pretty fast on Saturday.
Because if-”
“Yes I’m sure. I wouldn’t say I’m fine if I weren’t.” Hyukjae snapped, loosing his patience.
Donghae’s eyebrows shot up, and he took a step back. “Okay?” he said unsure as Hyukjae turned to leave. “Hey, if this is about what happened at the park, I’m sorry.”
And with that Hyukjae stopped. He was being an ass to someone who was nice to him. The fact that Donghae was a nice person who worried about others shouldn’t bug Hyukjae as much as it did. He turned around, fumbling with the strap of his bag. “No it’s not that. It’s just been a bad day.”
Donghae’s facial expression eased and he smiled. “Oh, good. I mean not good that it’s been a bad day, just glad it’s not me you’re mad at. You know if you’re stressed you should meditate. It’s really relaxing and you’ll totally connect with your inner self.”
As he rambled about the benefits of meditation and other relaxing methods, Hyukjae watched his mouth as if he were on mute. He had no idea so many words could come out of a person’s mouth without stopping to take a breath. Eyes on him, the random thought that Donghae had a nice mouth popped in Hyukjae’s head. It was a nice mouth, he decided. Like it was the right size for Donghae’s face. He frowned at his thoughts when he remembered what Junsu had said about Donghae being too pretty for him. Hyukjae resented that. Not that he wanted Donghae, for anything, but he thought he was just as good looking, if not better, than Donghae was. And it wasn’t even that Hyukjae thought that Donghae was good looking, it was an established fact and a general opinion in school.
He wondered if Donghae thought of himself that way. He didn’t seem like a narcissist, but he probably was. No one could have a face like his and not be, he thought cynically.
“Hyukjae ah!”
Hyukjae blinked, realizing he had been ignoring everything Donghae had been saying and he probably thought he was retarded. “What?”
Donghae was half smiling, amusement written all over his face. “I was wondering if you would go somewhere with me.” When Hyukjae made a face he added “Since we’re both going to be here later anyways, I figured we could do something else? And besides, I want to show you something.”
Hyukjae, who had been planning on going home, became intrigued “What is it?”
Donghae just smiled again and said “It’s a surprise.”
*
When they finally got off the bus, Hyukjae asked himself what he was doing following Lee Donghae around a part of the city he didn’t know. Donghae had ignored all of his questions, distracting him by pointing out things to him he was out the window or on the bus. Walking a few blocks, passing shops and people and the smell of food that made Hyukjae’s stomach grumble. Finally, Donghae stopped in front of a park square where there were some people. People dancing.
“Here?” he asked disbelieved.
Donghae was cut off from his answer when two boys walked up to them.
“Hey Fishy! How you been? It’s been a couple days since you’ve stopped by.” ‘Fishy?’
They guy who had asked was extremely tall with short black hair. The other was not as tall, but really pale with light brown hair and really big eyes. Both were extremely good looking.
“I’ve been really busy lately with school.” Donghae defended himself.
“Yeah, sure. Use excuses. You just rather dance with a fancy dance team than us street boys” the tall one said, ruffling Donghae’s hair.
Donghae laughed and moved away from him. “Aish hyung, not the hair!”
“So who’s your friend?” the shorter one asked eyeing Hyukjae.
“Oh, right. Tuk, Khun this is Hyukjae, a friend from school. Hyukjae, this is Taecyeon and Nichkhun. I dance with them after school and during weekends.”
Realization dawned on Hyukjae as he looked at the other boys who were break dancing a couple of meters away. “The Academy? You practice in the park?”
Taecyeon and Nichkhun laughed. “Yeah. It’s kind of a joke.” Tuk gestured to the boys behind him, who looked like they were in high school or college. “We’re from the east side of the city. You know, the ‘unprivileged side” he explained to Hyukjae. “Shoot, none of us have had a professional dance class in our lives.”
Nichkhun nodded in agreement. “So, you dance?” He asked Hyukjae, sizing him up.
Hyukjae nodded but Donghae answered for him. “He’s on the dance team with me at school. He’s probably our best dancer.” Hyukjae felt his cheeks redden a little.
Tuk smirked at Nichkhun. “Is that so? Well were gonna have to see that for ourselves. Let’s see what you got.”
For some strange reason Hyukjae felt embarrassed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He just never had to prove to any one he was good. “Uhmm, I don’t know. I don’t want to just barge in or anything.”
“Hey, you scared or something? ‘Cause we don’t bite.” Taecyeon looked at him straight in the eye. He leaned down to grab a towel off a bag and dried himself off. “Besides, if you don’t dance you’ll make our Fish look like a liar.”
Donghae smiled at him encouragingly. “Please?”
Hyukjae sighed, feeling very uncomfortable. “Sure.”
*
Different was the word that came to mind if Hyukjae were to describe his experience with ‘the academy’. After they’d introduced him to the rest of the group, Hyukjae had quickly proved that Donghae wasn’t lying when he’d said Hyukjae was the best. A bit unnerved at first and feeling like he had back at the beginning of high school when he’d auditioned for the dance team, he eased into the song coming through the speakers of the old boom box.
The group, who were boys around Hyukjae’s age and seemed friendly, had complimented him and asked him to dance with them and reluctantly, he’d accepted.
Between free styling and choreographing, the group did different styles of dance Hyukjae hadn’t even thought to mix with hip hop. People would stop by and watch them, some even throwing change in a hat one of the boys had dropped.
“We don’t keep the money” Donghae had said when he’d caught Hyukjae eyeing the hat. “On our way out of the park we drop it off at the donation center on 10th street.”
Hyukjae wouldn’t have blamed them if they had kept it. From the bits of conversation he’d overheard and what part of the city they were in, most of the guys didn’t have it easy money wise. Hyukjae didn’t understand how Donghae had met them though. Since he went to his school, which was a well known private school in Seoul, he assumed Donghae lived like Hyukjae. In a nice neighborhood, parents with steady jobs and money saved for college. The norm for those who went to their school.
The afternoon flew by between song and dance, the sun going down and slowly setting somewhere in the sky. Until it was just Donghae and Hyukjae again, the boys from ‘the academy’ saying their goodbyes and asking Hyukjae to come back and dance with them again if he liked.
Donghae passed Hyukjae a water bottle and sat down next to him on the bench. Skin peppered in sweat, his throat a desert. Taecyeon, who was the only one left, finished gathering his things and headed towards them.
“I’m going too. Got go work. You should come by more often, Fish. And bring him with you. You’re a dancing machine, dude.” Hyukjae nodded, smiling slightly at the name.
“So?” Donghae asked once he was gone.
Hyukjae took a gulp of water. “So…what?”
“Come on! Tell me what you thought.”
“They were really nice” he answered evasively, side glancing at Donghae, questions he wanted to ask in his mind. Despite biting his tongue, Hyukjae’s curiosity got the better of him. “Why does Tuk call you Fishy?” but he really wanted to ask how he knew him.
“Yeah, well Tuk and I go way back. It’s a long story.” he warned before continuing after Hyukjae shrugged as if he didn’t really care if he told him or not. “When I was a kid I was obsessed with fish. Still kind of am, actually” Donghae smiled at him and Hyukjae raised his eyebrows. “Anyways, one day when I was 10, I went to a pet store to buy one when I saved up enough of my allowance. My dad was trying to show me the responsibilities of caring for another living being. As soon as I left the store, some kids a couple of year older came up to me and they ganged up on me.”
Hyukjae felt his heart rate speed up, imagining a young defenseless Donghae “You mean…?”
Donghae nodded slowly as if it was the most normal thing in the world. “They knocked me to the ground and beat me. Something about my face bothered them.” He smiled and bit his lip but Hyukjae didn’t find it funny. “The bag with the fish got knocked out of my hand. Then Tuk showed up and he saved me. When I saw him I actually thought he was going to hit me too.” He shook his head and sighed. “But nope. He got me to calm down and after I explained what had happened, he went back into the store and got me another fish. I wasn’t really bruised but he cleaned off my cuts at his mom’s flower shop that was near by. After that, he walked with me to where my brother and I were supposed to meet and lectured him about leaving a little kid alone in that part of the city. I’ve never seen my brother go so pale. But anyhow, he’s always watched my back and we’ve been close ever since.”
Hyukjae gave a low whistle. He drank more water, the image of the asphyxiating fish on the sidewalk in his mind. “How old is he?”
“He’s 20. Almost 21. But he’s not in college. He was a scholarship kid like me so he had really good grades.”
Hyukjae stopped the bottle halfway to his mouth. “Scholarship?”
Donghae smiled at him funny. “You didn’t know? They’re not just handed out, but our school does offer them.”
Hyukjae shook his head, understanding why Junsu said his head was always in the clouds and he found out about things. He didn’t know their school even gave scholarships.
It turned out that despite the way Donghae acted, that seemingly perfect ‘the guy who just has it all’ attitude was simply how the outside seemed. Hyukjae felt strangely guilty for all those times he’d thought badly about Donghae and how his attitude was some façade he put on to cover up his divorcing parents or his mother’s alcohol problems, something to expect from the rich goody two-shoes from prep schools.
“He had to drop out to help his mom out with the store.” Donghae, unaware of Hyukjae’s thoughts kept talking. He finished off his water and crossed his legs, turning halfway to so his body was facing Hyukjae. “So you glad you came with me?”
Hyukjae was caught off guard by the subject change and his close proximity, so he nodded.
Donghae didn’t seem satisfied by his answer, so he leaned forward so he was in Hyukjae’s field of vision even if he moved. “When was last time you smiled so much while you were dancing? The last time you had this much fun while doing it?”
Hyukjae was about to snap at him and say he smiled all the time when he danced, but he guessed that’s not what Donghae meant. He realized that dancing at school was not as much fun as it had been when he had first joined. It was an obligation. His body turned into the machine he was called and he just completed its function. There was no real feeling or emotion. But today, he had just danced for the sake of dancing. He had laughed and goofed around. No one expecting anything from him. No one expected him to be perfect. There had been no pressure. Just the sound of the music flowing through his body, as he moved to the beat.
A slow smile spread across Donghae’s face as he sat back down feeling very satisfied with himself.
“What are you smiling at?” Hyukjae scowled not sure he should feel annoyed or not.
Donghae jumped off the bench, grabbing Hyukjae by the hand dragging him up with him. “You don’t have to answer. I already know.”
Hyukjae leaned back to grab his bag with his free hand. “What? You read minds or something?” he mumbled. But of course, Donghae heard him clearly.
“No” he looked over his shoulder at him. “But for some odd reason I can tell what you’re thinking. So, I guess I can read yours specifically.” He tugged on his hand a little harder, getting him to move. “Now come on I’m starving. Ramen on me.”
And if Hyukjae never took his hand out of his, it was only because he was so hungry and in too much of a daze, mind filled with one and a million thoughts, to notice.
*
“Stop killing me, you asshole.”
“Stop getting in my way, shit head.”
“The red ones! Shoot the red ones!”
“Stop telling me what to do!”
“You two take this way too seriously” Sungmin said shaking his head. Kyuhyun and Hyukjae ignored him, fingers jabbing at their controllers and muttered curse words flying from their mouths. Kyuhyun may have shrieked more than once. Sitting the hallway during free period, killing time by playing video games and not studying was a preferred activity of the two.
“See, that’s a productive way to spend the time” they looked up to where Sungmin pointed. Donghae, and a younger student Hyukjae didn’t know the name to, were putting up posters on an announcement board.
Kyuhyun snorted and went back to his game. “What’re you doing that’s so productive? Reading trashy gossip magazines. Whoa.”
“At least I don’t rot my brain with crap ass games. And they’re not gossip. I read human interest pieces.”
Hyukjae tuned out from the rest of the argument. Slumping against the wall, he watched Donghae hang up announcements for the annual charity drive. Another good cause, another poor soul in need. It had been over a week since he’d danced with the Academy at the park. They didn’t see each other than at practice and sometimes after, but Donghae always seemed to try to talk to him about something or the other, invite him to the park again. Nothing odd, but it made Hyukjae feel like Donghae did it out pity. Like he was one of those kids he visited at the hospital. It made Hyukjae uncomfortable and annoyed.
“Come on” Kyuhyun jabbed him in the side harshly bringing Hyukjae out of his thoughts.
“Play this round without me” he said getting up. “I’m going to get something to eat.”
“Ahh, screw you” Kyuhyun huffed, eyes already centered on the game.
Hyukjae rolled his eyes, asking if they wanted anything. Sungmin quickly yelling for cookies, Kyuhyun muttering ‘Jujubes’. By the time he reached the vending machine and was pressing the combination, a body leaned against the machine.
“Hi”
“Uhhh, hey” he answered, voice curt.
Donghae, of course, noticed nothing. “That chem. test was a harsh one, right? Think she does it on purpose?”
Hyukjae shrugged his shoulders, inserting more coins into the machine.
“So, I was thinking about going to the park after school. You want to come with?”
Looking out of the corner of his eye, that smile and those eyes made Hyukjae almost say yes. Instead he said “No thanks.” he knelt to grab his junk food from the slot and turned to go.
“Hold on” Donghae caught up with him. “You okay?”
Hyukjae was getting kind of sick of getting asked that question. “Great. You?”
Donghae didn’t miss his sarcasm this time. He frowned. “Did I do something?”
“It’s not always about you, you know.” Hyukjae snapped.
Donghae’s frown deepened and he took a step closer to him. “I’m not trying to bother or offend you. But I thought we were starting to be friends.”
And that was part of the problem. Hyukjae didn’t know how to be friends with someone like Donghae. Someone who saw the world in a different way than he did and made him think about things he didn’t want to think about. And Hyukjae wasn’t sure he wanted to try.
“Look, Donghae” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “You’re nice and everything but we’re different.”
“Different?” Donghae asked confused.
“Yeah. I mean, you’re you and I’m me. We don’t see things the same way or care about the same things” he wasn’t sure he was making sense, but his thoughts didn’t make sense either. “We’re different.”
Donghae’s confusion seemed to grow right before his eyes widen with a sudden realization. “Oh. Different.”
Hyukjae swallowed at the look Donghae gave him. Any sign of that characteristic cheeriness erased by cold eyes and a tight mouth. He knew Donghae thought he was talking about his reaction to learning Donghae was on scholarship but he didn’t try to tell him otherwise.
“Well then” Donghae nodded once, eyes narrowed. “I guess I’ll see you around. Or whatever.”
Walking back to where his friends were, Hyukjae shoved the jujubes in Kyuhyun’s face and proceeded to kill his player until Kyuhyun smacked the game out of his hands and refused to let him play.
*
“Yah! You’re really something, Hyuk.”
“Shut up”
“No I’m serious” Junsu insisted, his high pitched giggles filling the night. “When you spit your food in the waitress’s face was funny. But when you fell over and your head smashed against her breasts-” he cut himself off exploding in another fit of laughter.
“Shut up about it already” Hyukjae said shoving him which only made Junsu laugh harder.
“You’re so easy” Junsu said after the shoving match was over in which Hyukjae almost stumbled onto the road. “We’re never gonna be let back into that ramen shop.”
Hyukjae shrugged, adjusting the strap on his backpack. “I think I saw a roach by the bathrooms”
“No way!” Junsu shrieked making a face. “Aish! I’m going to disinfect with Clorox when I get home”
It was late after another agonizingly long day at school. The same routine of strict teachers and useless amounts of information crammed into partially receptive students.
“Hey, home is that way” looking behind him with a raised eyebrow, Junsu pointed when he noticed Hyukjae wasn’t turning to the next street with him.
Hands in his pocket, Hyukjae shook his head. “You go ahead. I’m not going home yet.”
Junsu retraced his steps, brows furrowed. “Is everything okay? You’re acting really weird lately” he placed a hand on Hyukjae’s shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I’m fine” Hyukjae shook his hand off and smiled. “Seriously. I just want to walk around for a bit.” He shook his head at Junsu’s open mouth in protest “Go home, Su. I need to think. Put my brain to use every once in a bit” he started walking away after giving Junsu a slight push in the other direction.
Junsu watched him go, caught between going with Hyukjae or not. But after a few minutes, he simply shook his head in worry, turned and went home.
*
The city was as alive at night as it was during the day. But the park was closed and deserted, the shadows seen playing in the darkness from the outside seemed creepily real.
Hands in his pockets, Hyukjae walked slowly, knowing his parents would soon start wondering where he was. He did feel bad about making Junsu worry; it took quite a bit to make his friend act serious for once. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to him about it because Hyukjae wasn’t sure what there was to talk about. He felt stuck, he realized as his foot bumped against a misplaced brick on the sidewalk. Stuck in something he had no idea what it was and how to get himself out of it. All of the things he once cared about were becoming gray to his eyes. Once lively bright colors in his life, they’d become the dullest hues on the pallet.
Street lights and moon shine lighting the way, he walked around the front gate of the park along the sidewalk until it turned to the left where it turned into a metal fence. He kept going until he reached a point in which the fence descended and stopped. Hyukjae knew of some guys who liked to sneak into the park at night by jumping over the fence. It looked easy enough, his hands grabbing onto the metal. Swallowing any reserve and overcome by spontaneity, he raised a leg and started climbing.
*
The dimmed light posts on either side of the basketball court didn’t obstruct the stars. Limbs stretched out on the concrete, Hyukjae stared up at the sky. He didn’t count or try to name constellations. He just looked, thousands of little silver dots darting across his eyes. Trying to keep his mind blank, eyes wide open, he made to sure to look at each of them. Black canvas as their backdrop, it was like staring at a swirl of luminosity and life and Hyukjae felt himself get lost in it. Wondering how his tiny self would ever amount to anything in comparison to the vast sky.
“Hey, you”
Startled, Hyukjae sat up like a spring, looking for where the voice had come from. His eyes widen when he recognized the figure, mouth agape.
“What are you doing here?”
“How did you get in?” Hyukjae shot back, with a frown.
Donghae shrugged. “Same way you did I’m guessing” he tilted his head and smirked “I didn’t think you’d be the type to jump fences.”
Hyukjae scoffed. “I’m not.”
They stared at the other, seemingly caught off guard. Silence enveloped them. Hyukjae expected Donghae to leave, since he’d been steering clear of Hyukjae since their conversation by the vending machines. Just as Hyukjae was about to get up, not liking the disadvantage of being on the floor, Donghae sighed and eased down next to him.
“I have trouble sleeping sometimes” he said, an explanation hadn’t asked for. “It’s quiet and calming at night here.”
Hyukjae nodded distractedly, agreeing silently. It was calm. Peaceful even. He felt Donghae’s stare, waiting. But Hyukjae didn’t feel like opening up to anyone, much less to him. “I never come here after closing. Or at all, really.”
“Hmmm” Donghae said, and after that, nothing. Face towards the sky, as if Hyukjae wasn’t even there. Usually talkative and lively, he was quiet and serious, as if night time changed him into another person.
Hyukjae cleared his throat and looked upwards as well, reassuming his previous positing. He wasn’t going to leave just because Donghae was here. Hyukjae had arrived first.
“It makes you wonder, doesn’t it?” Donghae sighed, lying down next to Hyukjae at a distance. “What it must be like up there? Out there?” Hyukjae didn’t so much as see as sense his hand swinging in the air to signal the sky. “If you think about it, we really aren’t much compared to all that.”
Hyukjae turned his head when he felt Donghae look at him. Vocalizing the same thoughts Hyukjae had just a while ago, eyes narrowed and probably as vulnerable as Hyukjae’s, he felt maybe he wasn’t the only one whose yellows and reds and oranges had turned to grays.
*
a/n: yeah, new summary. sorry this took so long to update (like a month D:) but i got distracted by new ideas for oneshots and i kind of lost track of this. after some reflecting and some advice, i'm back on track and with the direction i want to take this in. As always, your comments and feedback are always loved and appreciated =D.
Part: Chapter 6: The difference between silver and grey
Pairing: Hyukjae/Donghae (others may appear)
Genre: High school au, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Life starts blank. An empty backdrop to fill with color and light. Hyukjae starts with black and white. Until along comes Donghae with a palette of all the colors of the rainbow shadowed by grays. Together, bodies like paintbrushes, they dance splattering color on the canvas that is life.
The difference between silver and grey
“Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another.” ~Author Unknown
The next time Hyukjae woke up in the middle of his sleep it wasn’t due to a dream.
He heard noises. Downstairs, somewhere in the house. He thought he heard something jangle, the sound of a door being opened or maybe closed? And something knocking into something. Heart thumping in his chest, his first thought was to run to his parents’ room and get his dad.
But the alarm hadn’t gone off. If it were an intruder the alarm would have gone off notifying the house and automatically called the police. But the house was quiet if not for the sound of someone moving around.
Without thinking really, Hyukjae got out of bed, grabbed his baseball bat as an after thought and stepped out of his room.
His footfalls were light on the carpeted floor all down the hallway. When he reached the stairs, he made his way until he reached the second landing and froze. He furrowed his brows in confusion, mouth open in surprise.
“Dad?”
His father, looked caught off guard but calmed like it was completely normal to be completely dressed and prowling about the house. “Son. What are you doing up at these hours?”
Hyukjae took a step down, hand clutching the railing. “You were making a lot of noise. What were you doing?”
“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d get some work done” Hyukjae’s father started coming about the stairs, eyeing the bat in his hands. “You planning on batting the robbers to death?”
Face flushed, Hyukjae eased his grip on the bat, eyes questioning. Something about this not adding up.
“Come now” his father swung his arm around his shoulder leading him the rest of the way up. “Let’s get some sleep. You need your rest.”
They reached his room, Hyukjae more unnerved when his father left a small kiss on the top of his head like he hadn’t done since he was eight. “Dad?”
His father turned around, something about his face made Hyukjae’s stomach drop a little. “Yes, son?”
Hyukjae shook his head, small comforting grin on his face. “Goodnight dad”
He didn’t go inside his room until the bedroom to his parents’ room was closed. The house completely silent, Hyukjae crawled into his bed. Prepared for what he knew a sleepless night.
*
“Okay guys get ready. 5, 6, 7…” Hangeng counted as the music started.
Dance practice was probably the thing Hyukjae looked forward to the most in school. But today he couldn’t concentrate. He wanted to blame it on the fact that it was Monday or the fact that he was barely sleeping. And it probably was. Or that was what he wanted himself to believe.
“Yah Hyukjae!! What are you doing? Are you with us?” he abruptly looked up to see everyone in the room staring at him. The music had stopped. Hangeng, who had asked, was looking at him with worry, while Taemin was surprised by his hyung’s behavior and Junsu looked like he was trying to not laugh.
“Sorry. Yeah, I’m here” he said and tried to focus the rest of practice on dancing.
Quickly, practice was over, Hyukjae got his things together deciding to just go home and call it a day. He groaned when Donghae approached him, really not wanting to deal with his cheeriness today. “Hey. Are you okay? You seemed really distracted today.”
“I’m fine.” Hyukjae said flatly, drying his face off with a towel.
Donghae paid no attention to his tone. “Are you sure? You left pretty fast on Saturday.
Because if-”
“Yes I’m sure. I wouldn’t say I’m fine if I weren’t.” Hyukjae snapped, loosing his patience.
Donghae’s eyebrows shot up, and he took a step back. “Okay?” he said unsure as Hyukjae turned to leave. “Hey, if this is about what happened at the park, I’m sorry.”
And with that Hyukjae stopped. He was being an ass to someone who was nice to him. The fact that Donghae was a nice person who worried about others shouldn’t bug Hyukjae as much as it did. He turned around, fumbling with the strap of his bag. “No it’s not that. It’s just been a bad day.”
Donghae’s facial expression eased and he smiled. “Oh, good. I mean not good that it’s been a bad day, just glad it’s not me you’re mad at. You know if you’re stressed you should meditate. It’s really relaxing and you’ll totally connect with your inner self.”
As he rambled about the benefits of meditation and other relaxing methods, Hyukjae watched his mouth as if he were on mute. He had no idea so many words could come out of a person’s mouth without stopping to take a breath. Eyes on him, the random thought that Donghae had a nice mouth popped in Hyukjae’s head. It was a nice mouth, he decided. Like it was the right size for Donghae’s face. He frowned at his thoughts when he remembered what Junsu had said about Donghae being too pretty for him. Hyukjae resented that. Not that he wanted Donghae, for anything, but he thought he was just as good looking, if not better, than Donghae was. And it wasn’t even that Hyukjae thought that Donghae was good looking, it was an established fact and a general opinion in school.
He wondered if Donghae thought of himself that way. He didn’t seem like a narcissist, but he probably was. No one could have a face like his and not be, he thought cynically.
“Hyukjae ah!”
Hyukjae blinked, realizing he had been ignoring everything Donghae had been saying and he probably thought he was retarded. “What?”
Donghae was half smiling, amusement written all over his face. “I was wondering if you would go somewhere with me.” When Hyukjae made a face he added “Since we’re both going to be here later anyways, I figured we could do something else? And besides, I want to show you something.”
Hyukjae, who had been planning on going home, became intrigued “What is it?”
Donghae just smiled again and said “It’s a surprise.”
*
When they finally got off the bus, Hyukjae asked himself what he was doing following Lee Donghae around a part of the city he didn’t know. Donghae had ignored all of his questions, distracting him by pointing out things to him he was out the window or on the bus. Walking a few blocks, passing shops and people and the smell of food that made Hyukjae’s stomach grumble. Finally, Donghae stopped in front of a park square where there were some people. People dancing.
“Here?” he asked disbelieved.
Donghae was cut off from his answer when two boys walked up to them.
“Hey Fishy! How you been? It’s been a couple days since you’ve stopped by.” ‘Fishy?’
They guy who had asked was extremely tall with short black hair. The other was not as tall, but really pale with light brown hair and really big eyes. Both were extremely good looking.
“I’ve been really busy lately with school.” Donghae defended himself.
“Yeah, sure. Use excuses. You just rather dance with a fancy dance team than us street boys” the tall one said, ruffling Donghae’s hair.
Donghae laughed and moved away from him. “Aish hyung, not the hair!”
“So who’s your friend?” the shorter one asked eyeing Hyukjae.
“Oh, right. Tuk, Khun this is Hyukjae, a friend from school. Hyukjae, this is Taecyeon and Nichkhun. I dance with them after school and during weekends.”
Realization dawned on Hyukjae as he looked at the other boys who were break dancing a couple of meters away. “The Academy? You practice in the park?”
Taecyeon and Nichkhun laughed. “Yeah. It’s kind of a joke.” Tuk gestured to the boys behind him, who looked like they were in high school or college. “We’re from the east side of the city. You know, the ‘unprivileged side” he explained to Hyukjae. “Shoot, none of us have had a professional dance class in our lives.”
Nichkhun nodded in agreement. “So, you dance?” He asked Hyukjae, sizing him up.
Hyukjae nodded but Donghae answered for him. “He’s on the dance team with me at school. He’s probably our best dancer.” Hyukjae felt his cheeks redden a little.
Tuk smirked at Nichkhun. “Is that so? Well were gonna have to see that for ourselves. Let’s see what you got.”
For some strange reason Hyukjae felt embarrassed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He just never had to prove to any one he was good. “Uhmm, I don’t know. I don’t want to just barge in or anything.”
“Hey, you scared or something? ‘Cause we don’t bite.” Taecyeon looked at him straight in the eye. He leaned down to grab a towel off a bag and dried himself off. “Besides, if you don’t dance you’ll make our Fish look like a liar.”
Donghae smiled at him encouragingly. “Please?”
Hyukjae sighed, feeling very uncomfortable. “Sure.”
*
Different was the word that came to mind if Hyukjae were to describe his experience with ‘the academy’. After they’d introduced him to the rest of the group, Hyukjae had quickly proved that Donghae wasn’t lying when he’d said Hyukjae was the best. A bit unnerved at first and feeling like he had back at the beginning of high school when he’d auditioned for the dance team, he eased into the song coming through the speakers of the old boom box.
The group, who were boys around Hyukjae’s age and seemed friendly, had complimented him and asked him to dance with them and reluctantly, he’d accepted.
Between free styling and choreographing, the group did different styles of dance Hyukjae hadn’t even thought to mix with hip hop. People would stop by and watch them, some even throwing change in a hat one of the boys had dropped.
“We don’t keep the money” Donghae had said when he’d caught Hyukjae eyeing the hat. “On our way out of the park we drop it off at the donation center on 10th street.”
Hyukjae wouldn’t have blamed them if they had kept it. From the bits of conversation he’d overheard and what part of the city they were in, most of the guys didn’t have it easy money wise. Hyukjae didn’t understand how Donghae had met them though. Since he went to his school, which was a well known private school in Seoul, he assumed Donghae lived like Hyukjae. In a nice neighborhood, parents with steady jobs and money saved for college. The norm for those who went to their school.
The afternoon flew by between song and dance, the sun going down and slowly setting somewhere in the sky. Until it was just Donghae and Hyukjae again, the boys from ‘the academy’ saying their goodbyes and asking Hyukjae to come back and dance with them again if he liked.
Donghae passed Hyukjae a water bottle and sat down next to him on the bench. Skin peppered in sweat, his throat a desert. Taecyeon, who was the only one left, finished gathering his things and headed towards them.
“I’m going too. Got go work. You should come by more often, Fish. And bring him with you. You’re a dancing machine, dude.” Hyukjae nodded, smiling slightly at the name.
“So?” Donghae asked once he was gone.
Hyukjae took a gulp of water. “So…what?”
“Come on! Tell me what you thought.”
“They were really nice” he answered evasively, side glancing at Donghae, questions he wanted to ask in his mind. Despite biting his tongue, Hyukjae’s curiosity got the better of him. “Why does Tuk call you Fishy?” but he really wanted to ask how he knew him.
“Yeah, well Tuk and I go way back. It’s a long story.” he warned before continuing after Hyukjae shrugged as if he didn’t really care if he told him or not. “When I was a kid I was obsessed with fish. Still kind of am, actually” Donghae smiled at him and Hyukjae raised his eyebrows. “Anyways, one day when I was 10, I went to a pet store to buy one when I saved up enough of my allowance. My dad was trying to show me the responsibilities of caring for another living being. As soon as I left the store, some kids a couple of year older came up to me and they ganged up on me.”
Hyukjae felt his heart rate speed up, imagining a young defenseless Donghae “You mean…?”
Donghae nodded slowly as if it was the most normal thing in the world. “They knocked me to the ground and beat me. Something about my face bothered them.” He smiled and bit his lip but Hyukjae didn’t find it funny. “The bag with the fish got knocked out of my hand. Then Tuk showed up and he saved me. When I saw him I actually thought he was going to hit me too.” He shook his head and sighed. “But nope. He got me to calm down and after I explained what had happened, he went back into the store and got me another fish. I wasn’t really bruised but he cleaned off my cuts at his mom’s flower shop that was near by. After that, he walked with me to where my brother and I were supposed to meet and lectured him about leaving a little kid alone in that part of the city. I’ve never seen my brother go so pale. But anyhow, he’s always watched my back and we’ve been close ever since.”
Hyukjae gave a low whistle. He drank more water, the image of the asphyxiating fish on the sidewalk in his mind. “How old is he?”
“He’s 20. Almost 21. But he’s not in college. He was a scholarship kid like me so he had really good grades.”
Hyukjae stopped the bottle halfway to his mouth. “Scholarship?”
Donghae smiled at him funny. “You didn’t know? They’re not just handed out, but our school does offer them.”
Hyukjae shook his head, understanding why Junsu said his head was always in the clouds and he found out about things. He didn’t know their school even gave scholarships.
It turned out that despite the way Donghae acted, that seemingly perfect ‘the guy who just has it all’ attitude was simply how the outside seemed. Hyukjae felt strangely guilty for all those times he’d thought badly about Donghae and how his attitude was some façade he put on to cover up his divorcing parents or his mother’s alcohol problems, something to expect from the rich goody two-shoes from prep schools.
“He had to drop out to help his mom out with the store.” Donghae, unaware of Hyukjae’s thoughts kept talking. He finished off his water and crossed his legs, turning halfway to so his body was facing Hyukjae. “So you glad you came with me?”
Hyukjae was caught off guard by the subject change and his close proximity, so he nodded.
Donghae didn’t seem satisfied by his answer, so he leaned forward so he was in Hyukjae’s field of vision even if he moved. “When was last time you smiled so much while you were dancing? The last time you had this much fun while doing it?”
Hyukjae was about to snap at him and say he smiled all the time when he danced, but he guessed that’s not what Donghae meant. He realized that dancing at school was not as much fun as it had been when he had first joined. It was an obligation. His body turned into the machine he was called and he just completed its function. There was no real feeling or emotion. But today, he had just danced for the sake of dancing. He had laughed and goofed around. No one expecting anything from him. No one expected him to be perfect. There had been no pressure. Just the sound of the music flowing through his body, as he moved to the beat.
A slow smile spread across Donghae’s face as he sat back down feeling very satisfied with himself.
“What are you smiling at?” Hyukjae scowled not sure he should feel annoyed or not.
Donghae jumped off the bench, grabbing Hyukjae by the hand dragging him up with him. “You don’t have to answer. I already know.”
Hyukjae leaned back to grab his bag with his free hand. “What? You read minds or something?” he mumbled. But of course, Donghae heard him clearly.
“No” he looked over his shoulder at him. “But for some odd reason I can tell what you’re thinking. So, I guess I can read yours specifically.” He tugged on his hand a little harder, getting him to move. “Now come on I’m starving. Ramen on me.”
And if Hyukjae never took his hand out of his, it was only because he was so hungry and in too much of a daze, mind filled with one and a million thoughts, to notice.
*
“Stop killing me, you asshole.”
“Stop getting in my way, shit head.”
“The red ones! Shoot the red ones!”
“Stop telling me what to do!”
“You two take this way too seriously” Sungmin said shaking his head. Kyuhyun and Hyukjae ignored him, fingers jabbing at their controllers and muttered curse words flying from their mouths. Kyuhyun may have shrieked more than once. Sitting the hallway during free period, killing time by playing video games and not studying was a preferred activity of the two.
“See, that’s a productive way to spend the time” they looked up to where Sungmin pointed. Donghae, and a younger student Hyukjae didn’t know the name to, were putting up posters on an announcement board.
Kyuhyun snorted and went back to his game. “What’re you doing that’s so productive? Reading trashy gossip magazines. Whoa.”
“At least I don’t rot my brain with crap ass games. And they’re not gossip. I read human interest pieces.”
Hyukjae tuned out from the rest of the argument. Slumping against the wall, he watched Donghae hang up announcements for the annual charity drive. Another good cause, another poor soul in need. It had been over a week since he’d danced with the Academy at the park. They didn’t see each other than at practice and sometimes after, but Donghae always seemed to try to talk to him about something or the other, invite him to the park again. Nothing odd, but it made Hyukjae feel like Donghae did it out pity. Like he was one of those kids he visited at the hospital. It made Hyukjae uncomfortable and annoyed.
“Come on” Kyuhyun jabbed him in the side harshly bringing Hyukjae out of his thoughts.
“Play this round without me” he said getting up. “I’m going to get something to eat.”
“Ahh, screw you” Kyuhyun huffed, eyes already centered on the game.
Hyukjae rolled his eyes, asking if they wanted anything. Sungmin quickly yelling for cookies, Kyuhyun muttering ‘Jujubes’. By the time he reached the vending machine and was pressing the combination, a body leaned against the machine.
“Hi”
“Uhhh, hey” he answered, voice curt.
Donghae, of course, noticed nothing. “That chem. test was a harsh one, right? Think she does it on purpose?”
Hyukjae shrugged his shoulders, inserting more coins into the machine.
“So, I was thinking about going to the park after school. You want to come with?”
Looking out of the corner of his eye, that smile and those eyes made Hyukjae almost say yes. Instead he said “No thanks.” he knelt to grab his junk food from the slot and turned to go.
“Hold on” Donghae caught up with him. “You okay?”
Hyukjae was getting kind of sick of getting asked that question. “Great. You?”
Donghae didn’t miss his sarcasm this time. He frowned. “Did I do something?”
“It’s not always about you, you know.” Hyukjae snapped.
Donghae’s frown deepened and he took a step closer to him. “I’m not trying to bother or offend you. But I thought we were starting to be friends.”
And that was part of the problem. Hyukjae didn’t know how to be friends with someone like Donghae. Someone who saw the world in a different way than he did and made him think about things he didn’t want to think about. And Hyukjae wasn’t sure he wanted to try.
“Look, Donghae” he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “You’re nice and everything but we’re different.”
“Different?” Donghae asked confused.
“Yeah. I mean, you’re you and I’m me. We don’t see things the same way or care about the same things” he wasn’t sure he was making sense, but his thoughts didn’t make sense either. “We’re different.”
Donghae’s confusion seemed to grow right before his eyes widen with a sudden realization. “Oh. Different.”
Hyukjae swallowed at the look Donghae gave him. Any sign of that characteristic cheeriness erased by cold eyes and a tight mouth. He knew Donghae thought he was talking about his reaction to learning Donghae was on scholarship but he didn’t try to tell him otherwise.
“Well then” Donghae nodded once, eyes narrowed. “I guess I’ll see you around. Or whatever.”
Walking back to where his friends were, Hyukjae shoved the jujubes in Kyuhyun’s face and proceeded to kill his player until Kyuhyun smacked the game out of his hands and refused to let him play.
*
“Yah! You’re really something, Hyuk.”
“Shut up”
“No I’m serious” Junsu insisted, his high pitched giggles filling the night. “When you spit your food in the waitress’s face was funny. But when you fell over and your head smashed against her breasts-” he cut himself off exploding in another fit of laughter.
“Shut up about it already” Hyukjae said shoving him which only made Junsu laugh harder.
“You’re so easy” Junsu said after the shoving match was over in which Hyukjae almost stumbled onto the road. “We’re never gonna be let back into that ramen shop.”
Hyukjae shrugged, adjusting the strap on his backpack. “I think I saw a roach by the bathrooms”
“No way!” Junsu shrieked making a face. “Aish! I’m going to disinfect with Clorox when I get home”
It was late after another agonizingly long day at school. The same routine of strict teachers and useless amounts of information crammed into partially receptive students.
“Hey, home is that way” looking behind him with a raised eyebrow, Junsu pointed when he noticed Hyukjae wasn’t turning to the next street with him.
Hands in his pocket, Hyukjae shook his head. “You go ahead. I’m not going home yet.”
Junsu retraced his steps, brows furrowed. “Is everything okay? You’re acting really weird lately” he placed a hand on Hyukjae’s shoulder giving it a comforting squeeze. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”
“I’m fine” Hyukjae shook his hand off and smiled. “Seriously. I just want to walk around for a bit.” He shook his head at Junsu’s open mouth in protest “Go home, Su. I need to think. Put my brain to use every once in a bit” he started walking away after giving Junsu a slight push in the other direction.
Junsu watched him go, caught between going with Hyukjae or not. But after a few minutes, he simply shook his head in worry, turned and went home.
*
The city was as alive at night as it was during the day. But the park was closed and deserted, the shadows seen playing in the darkness from the outside seemed creepily real.
Hands in his pockets, Hyukjae walked slowly, knowing his parents would soon start wondering where he was. He did feel bad about making Junsu worry; it took quite a bit to make his friend act serious for once. But he couldn’t bring himself to talk to him about it because Hyukjae wasn’t sure what there was to talk about. He felt stuck, he realized as his foot bumped against a misplaced brick on the sidewalk. Stuck in something he had no idea what it was and how to get himself out of it. All of the things he once cared about were becoming gray to his eyes. Once lively bright colors in his life, they’d become the dullest hues on the pallet.
Street lights and moon shine lighting the way, he walked around the front gate of the park along the sidewalk until it turned to the left where it turned into a metal fence. He kept going until he reached a point in which the fence descended and stopped. Hyukjae knew of some guys who liked to sneak into the park at night by jumping over the fence. It looked easy enough, his hands grabbing onto the metal. Swallowing any reserve and overcome by spontaneity, he raised a leg and started climbing.
*
The dimmed light posts on either side of the basketball court didn’t obstruct the stars. Limbs stretched out on the concrete, Hyukjae stared up at the sky. He didn’t count or try to name constellations. He just looked, thousands of little silver dots darting across his eyes. Trying to keep his mind blank, eyes wide open, he made to sure to look at each of them. Black canvas as their backdrop, it was like staring at a swirl of luminosity and life and Hyukjae felt himself get lost in it. Wondering how his tiny self would ever amount to anything in comparison to the vast sky.
“Hey, you”
Startled, Hyukjae sat up like a spring, looking for where the voice had come from. His eyes widen when he recognized the figure, mouth agape.
“What are you doing here?”
“How did you get in?” Hyukjae shot back, with a frown.
Donghae shrugged. “Same way you did I’m guessing” he tilted his head and smirked “I didn’t think you’d be the type to jump fences.”
Hyukjae scoffed. “I’m not.”
They stared at the other, seemingly caught off guard. Silence enveloped them. Hyukjae expected Donghae to leave, since he’d been steering clear of Hyukjae since their conversation by the vending machines. Just as Hyukjae was about to get up, not liking the disadvantage of being on the floor, Donghae sighed and eased down next to him.
“I have trouble sleeping sometimes” he said, an explanation hadn’t asked for. “It’s quiet and calming at night here.”
Hyukjae nodded distractedly, agreeing silently. It was calm. Peaceful even. He felt Donghae’s stare, waiting. But Hyukjae didn’t feel like opening up to anyone, much less to him. “I never come here after closing. Or at all, really.”
“Hmmm” Donghae said, and after that, nothing. Face towards the sky, as if Hyukjae wasn’t even there. Usually talkative and lively, he was quiet and serious, as if night time changed him into another person.
Hyukjae cleared his throat and looked upwards as well, reassuming his previous positing. He wasn’t going to leave just because Donghae was here. Hyukjae had arrived first.
“It makes you wonder, doesn’t it?” Donghae sighed, lying down next to Hyukjae at a distance. “What it must be like up there? Out there?” Hyukjae didn’t so much as see as sense his hand swinging in the air to signal the sky. “If you think about it, we really aren’t much compared to all that.”
Hyukjae turned his head when he felt Donghae look at him. Vocalizing the same thoughts Hyukjae had just a while ago, eyes narrowed and probably as vulnerable as Hyukjae’s, he felt maybe he wasn’t the only one whose yellows and reds and oranges had turned to grays.
*
a/n: yeah, new summary. sorry this took so long to update (like a month D:) but i got distracted by new ideas for oneshots and i kind of lost track of this. after some reflecting and some advice, i'm back on track and with the direction i want to take this in. As always, your comments and feedback are always loved and appreciated =D.