I Waited Patiently for the Lord...
The song 40 by U2 starts out "I waited patiently for the Lord, He inclined and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit, Out of the miry clay." Its a very powerful song, stirring in its lyrics and brilliant in its simplicity. I talked to Jesus the other day. It was'nt a thing like I looked at the Monstrance and said some stuff and my head was blank for a while and I walked out. No. I had a back and forth conversation with my Master. I heard the words in my head and saw them in my mind's eye. I asked Him to heal me and make me want to turn to him and change. He said no. When I asked why, He said because that would be the easy way out. He said that if I made it a case of "wanting" and if I "wanted" to change and turn towards Him...where is the struggle and love in that? It would become "something that you would have done anyway." Therefore, there would be no love and no sacrifice. He then gave me an image of the Garden of Gethsemane when He was begging that the Cup pass from Him. He did not "want" to die, but in that lied the sacrifice. Then He said to me "I want you to crucify yourself as I was crucified for you." Then I asked Him why I was so numb towards Him. He asked me in return "what does numbness offer you?" I said power. If I close myself to the influence of others, then only I am in charge of what I do and how I behave. So numbness gives me power. He said that by closing the gate to all, I also close it to Him. I said, well if thats true, and I do keep everything out, why do I still sin? He said "Because it is a gate of your own making." He said that the gate is imperfect and will let in the "nephelim" because I myself am "nephelim." However "If you make Me the gate and indeed the walls, then you will not need to let in the Evil with the Good because the Good will be the Gate of the fortress itself and indeed the whole of it." I asked how I build it. He said the sacraments. Then I asked how I stop being so numb to my own heart. "When you have made Me the gate and the walls surrounding your heart, every stone will be like a hot-rock warming and thawing your heart." He then gave me a vision of my heart surrounded by a white stone wall and in every stone was carved the Chi-Ro. And every stone began glowing and my heart turned red and soft. Jesus had just told me how to love again. And how to love more. How to love tenderly and without reservation or thought about myself. And peace! I am more at peace now than I have been in...possibly ever. I feel like Faust saying "Stay moment, stay, thou art so fair!" It was the first time in years, if ever, I cried out of happiness and love in front of the Monstrance. If I make it all about Christ who said "Whatever you do to least of my brothers you do to Me" my heart will thaw! That image of me on the edge of a cliff reaching out for my brothers with my right hand, holding onto Christ with my left and Him holding onto the Cross. And when I take the focus off myself and put it on my brother, I won't need to worry about myself because in my brothers heart, it is he holding onto Christ and is reaching out for me! I tell you, all who read this- Reach for each other! Know that the other is reaching for you and all the while you are holding onto Christ. And once you do that, the love you will work and receive will be the Agape! Martyral love. Love that will push you to death for the one you love...even death on a cross.