Sex Top Ten
My employment at a sex shop was fodder for some interesting conversation during my friends' wedding this past Thursday. Try as I might, I could not dissuade the groom's family of the notion that "workshop facilitator" is a euphemism for "sex therapist". A couple of guests threw some sex-related queries my way, which seems to be par for the course when people find out where I work. Not that I mind. Quite the opposite. Working at Venus Envy has opened my eyes to the dearth of accurate, accessible information available regarding sexual health and pleasure.
We need to be talking about this stuff. We need to be educating ourselves about how our bodies function sexually, not only so we might have the fun and pleasure we deserve, but so we can stay safe and healthy.
And so in the spirit of healthy, sexy fun I give you:
THE TOP TEN THINGS DRAMA QUEEN TWENTY-THREE WANTS YOU TO KNOW ABOUT SEX
10. Sex Toys Are NOT A Threat To Your Masculinity.
More and more men seem to be getting their heads around the concept that they cannot be replaced by what's in someone's nightstand drawer. Occassionally, however, a customer will come into the store, frantic because his partner wants to buy a shiny, new phallic toy and he doesn't think he can measure up. Sigh.
It's understandable. Some people have a similar fear regarding porn. Men are still bombared with all kinds of crap about bigger being better. Gentlemen, please refer to the previous sentence re: bigger=better=crap. Yes - SOME people like a big dick. Other people like medium-sized or even small-dicks. No, I am NOT just saying that to appease you. It's true. Personally, I can only accomodate so much girth before it starts to feel like something akin to childbirth.
But let's say that your partner is a Champion of Size. So what? So they like to have their orfices as full as possible. It is one kind of stimulation. It's one thing that you can't provide. Who cares? A sex toy can't provide hugs, strokes, smacks, kisses or pinches. A sex toy doesn't make all those sexy, sex noises you make. It doesn't have a personality, it doesn't feel what's being done to it. It may have one or two features that you don't. It might vibrate faster than you. It might be a little easier to carry in a suitcase. Believe me when I say that if you're human, you've got the advantage. Yes, it's normal to feel insecure. But is that a reason to deny your additional pleasure? Wouldn't everyone be happier if you just dealt with your issues? I suggest you start by having another look at those toys and asking your partner if they'd like a playmate.
9. Your Lube May Be Giving You A Yeast Infection.
It wasn't until I started work at Venus Envy that I learned that all lubricant isn't created equal. The only thing I knew was that oil-based was off-limits for use with condoms. But we vagina-owners need to be extra-vigilant. Most national brand lubricants contain sugars and or glycerins, both of which are fuel for excess yeast and bacterial vaginosis. K-Y products are especially vile -- we're talking Candidis In A Bottle.
8. For The Love Of God, WANK!
Most of us do it. And that's a good thing. Do it more. Not at the office or on the bus or any place likely to get you arrested. But do it. Have a blast with it. It's not perverted, it's not weird and it's not just for people who don't currently have a partner. This idea that our partners should instinctively know how to make us feel good is so utterly wrong. Our partners don't feel what we feel when they touch us. They need us to guide them all the nooks, corners and curves. And people, how are you going guide someone around a place you've never explored yourself. And what if you have no partner? Masturbating lets you have a fulfilling sex life - one that's reasonably safe, I might add - with someone who can always make you feel good. So take your hand, your toys and if you're exceptionally flexible, your tongues and get them in your pants pronto.
7. Anal Sex Isn't Dirty
Maybe it's not your thing. That's fine. We don't all have to do everything. But if you're curious, I encourage you to learn more. Lots of responsible, friendly, job-having, tax-paying, respectable adults enjoy taking it up the ass. It's very nerve intensive opening. The anal canal is free and clear most of the time and when it's not, you can tell. Furthermore, anal sex doesn't have to involve penetration. There's a whole gammut of bum fun to be had -- just use your imagination and a LOT of lube.
Conversely, I don't want anyone to take this endorsement of butt play as encouragement to pressure your partner into doing something they're not into. I hate, hate, HATE when a customer is with someone who's anti-anal and wants me to "talk them into it". If someone isn't open to ass play, well they're literally not open to it. The anal sphincter is a sensitive beast and if a partner is feeling reluctant, any attempts to open it up will result in pain and possible damage to your partner's body.
6. Blow Jobs Aren't Degrading
I'm surprised by how many women tell me that they find the idea of blow jobs degrading. I wonder where this idea comes from. To me a blow job is just something I do for my partner because he enjoys it. Truth be told so do I. I actual feel powerful when I'm going down on a guy -- his pleasure is in my hands...erm, so to speak.
Maybe it's that mainstream porn. I like porn, but I have to admit that the widely available XXX version perpetuates some pretty narrow and unpleasant (to me)ideas about sex. Now that I think about it, the whole leering, back-of-the-head push down maneuver seems kind of disrespectful. Especially in the porn context, when it's a random delivery man or army recruiter doing the push down. And in the case of het sex, there's little if any reciprocity. But that's porn. Don't judge real life sex by cheap, mainstream pornography. Trust me. Decent guys will respect you if you suck cock. Decent guys will respect you while you're sucking cock and then eagerly suck whatever it is you want to have sucked.
5. Jelly Vinyl: All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Bacterial Vaginosis
Here's the lowdown on jelly vinyl toys. They're mega porous and WILL trap bacteria. If you have a yeast infection, the infection will get under the surface of said toy and stay there. Ditto with an STI. Same goes for anal bacteria. It degrades over time. It often contains phalates, which have been linked to certain cancers. So here are my recommendations:
- If you can afford it, buy 100% silicone toys. Silicone is non-porous, hypo-allergenic and super-easy to clean. It's also a really nice texture. You can even get a special (but pricey) blend that simulates the feel of skin.
- If you can't afford silicone, try a toy made of elastomer or hard-plastic. Elastomer has a similar feel to jelly vinyl but it's less porous and generally phalate-free. Ditto for hard plastic.
- If you insist on a jelly toy, slap a condom on that baby and clean it after every single use. Do NOT share it with a partner and never, EVER put a jelly toy in your ass!
4. Lube: Use It
Another thing about my job that surprises me, is how defensive some people are about lube. I blame erotic stories. All these passages which use "wet" and synonyms thereof to connote arousal. So let's get some things straight. When a women is aroused, her vagina generally produces lubrication. But the degree to which she lubricates has little to do with her level of arousal. A woman can be barely warmed up, yet unleash a flood. Conversely, a woman may be on the verge of coming yet produce very little lubricant. And a lot of the time we lubricate for reasons that have nothing to do with sex at all.
Lube is fabulous. It changes the tactile/oral sensation of whatever kind of play you're into. It's essential for anal penetration. It makes hand jobs delightful. It makes sex safer, by reducing friction and decreasing the likelyhood that a condom will break. And it says nothing - do you hear me - NOTHING about anyone's ability to arouse or become aroused.
3. Adopt-A-Cunt
Unless you're a man and you only ever sex with men, you need to get aquainted with the lady bits. And if you're the owner of said ladybits, take a look at your own. Cunts are not like penis, which get whipped out in locker rooms and public toilets, etc. We don't really get to see them unless we look. And my impression is that there are a lot of women walking around thinking they have malformed vulvas. There are a wealth of different cunt-forms out there. They aren't neat little clefts between our thighs. With few exceptions, the overwhelming majority of women have hair unless they wax or shave. And by the way, I'm completely indifferent on the issue. It's your hair. Style it however you like -- as long as it is what YOU like.
You can get photo books that feature page after page of cunt shots. Not airbrushed, Playboybush. Normal, unaltered girl-crack. And while we're on this subject, a "vagina" is the canal from which babies and mentrual blood comes. The lips, clit and other stuff comprise the general region known as the "vulva". I'm just saying.
2. No Fucking Without A Safety Net
If you're fluid bonded and you want to have a baby, have all the unprotected sex you want. Other wise, take the pill, use a sponge, condom up, whatever. Heterosexual intercourse is a reproductive act. Babies happen. All other sexual contact with another human being is intensely intimate and involves getting your parts entagled with another organism's. STIs happen. So for the love of pete, if you don't want a baby and you don't want to be sick, take responsibility for yourself and your actions and gear up before you get down.
ETA: And remember that there's no such thing as totally safe sex. While contraceptives, condoms and other barriers reduce the odds of infection and babies, they don't eliminate them entirely. Even at it's safest, sex is risky.
1. Let's Talk About Sex - No Seriously, Let's.
Some people would rather jam forks in their eyes than talk about sex. But if you want to have it, I suggest you get over yourself and start talking. Talk about your fears. Talk about what feels good. Talk about what you need. Talk about yourself and the nuances of how your body works. Or if you can't talk, write a note or an e-mail. Act it out in shadow puppets. Use that fridge poetry if you have to. But the inescapable truth is that every person is different. Sexuality is individual and incredibly specific. When it comes to geting off, there are very few things which apply universally or even broadly. What works with one partner, probably won't work for the next. Customers ask me constantly "What can I do to turn my partner on?" And the only thing I can say is "You have to ask them". So ask. And if someone asks what turns YOU on, tell them. And if you don't know, tell them that. I believe sincerely, that anyone can have great sex with anyone, who's willing to talk and listen and work with them. I know it's hard. It's bodies, penises, cunts, tits, assholes and emotions and all the things that makes us feel vulnerable as human beings. It's a touchy subject - no pun intended. But the more you can push through the fear, the less scary it becomes. And the trade off is that we stop being embarassed and start feeling sexy and empowered. So communicate, communicate, get laid and then communicate some more.
Until next time, keep wanking!
We need to be talking about this stuff. We need to be educating ourselves about how our bodies function sexually, not only so we might have the fun and pleasure we deserve, but so we can stay safe and healthy.
And so in the spirit of healthy, sexy fun I give you:
THE TOP TEN THINGS DRAMA QUEEN TWENTY-THREE WANTS YOU TO KNOW ABOUT SEX
10. Sex Toys Are NOT A Threat To Your Masculinity.
More and more men seem to be getting their heads around the concept that they cannot be replaced by what's in someone's nightstand drawer. Occassionally, however, a customer will come into the store, frantic because his partner wants to buy a shiny, new phallic toy and he doesn't think he can measure up. Sigh.
It's understandable. Some people have a similar fear regarding porn. Men are still bombared with all kinds of crap about bigger being better. Gentlemen, please refer to the previous sentence re: bigger=better=crap. Yes - SOME people like a big dick. Other people like medium-sized or even small-dicks. No, I am NOT just saying that to appease you. It's true. Personally, I can only accomodate so much girth before it starts to feel like something akin to childbirth.
But let's say that your partner is a Champion of Size. So what? So they like to have their orfices as full as possible. It is one kind of stimulation. It's one thing that you can't provide. Who cares? A sex toy can't provide hugs, strokes, smacks, kisses or pinches. A sex toy doesn't make all those sexy, sex noises you make. It doesn't have a personality, it doesn't feel what's being done to it. It may have one or two features that you don't. It might vibrate faster than you. It might be a little easier to carry in a suitcase. Believe me when I say that if you're human, you've got the advantage. Yes, it's normal to feel insecure. But is that a reason to deny your additional pleasure? Wouldn't everyone be happier if you just dealt with your issues? I suggest you start by having another look at those toys and asking your partner if they'd like a playmate.
9. Your Lube May Be Giving You A Yeast Infection.
It wasn't until I started work at Venus Envy that I learned that all lubricant isn't created equal. The only thing I knew was that oil-based was off-limits for use with condoms. But we vagina-owners need to be extra-vigilant. Most national brand lubricants contain sugars and or glycerins, both of which are fuel for excess yeast and bacterial vaginosis. K-Y products are especially vile -- we're talking Candidis In A Bottle.
8. For The Love Of God, WANK!
Most of us do it. And that's a good thing. Do it more. Not at the office or on the bus or any place likely to get you arrested. But do it. Have a blast with it. It's not perverted, it's not weird and it's not just for people who don't currently have a partner. This idea that our partners should instinctively know how to make us feel good is so utterly wrong. Our partners don't feel what we feel when they touch us. They need us to guide them all the nooks, corners and curves. And people, how are you going guide someone around a place you've never explored yourself. And what if you have no partner? Masturbating lets you have a fulfilling sex life - one that's reasonably safe, I might add - with someone who can always make you feel good. So take your hand, your toys and if you're exceptionally flexible, your tongues and get them in your pants pronto.
7. Anal Sex Isn't Dirty
Maybe it's not your thing. That's fine. We don't all have to do everything. But if you're curious, I encourage you to learn more. Lots of responsible, friendly, job-having, tax-paying, respectable adults enjoy taking it up the ass. It's very nerve intensive opening. The anal canal is free and clear most of the time and when it's not, you can tell. Furthermore, anal sex doesn't have to involve penetration. There's a whole gammut of bum fun to be had -- just use your imagination and a LOT of lube.
Conversely, I don't want anyone to take this endorsement of butt play as encouragement to pressure your partner into doing something they're not into. I hate, hate, HATE when a customer is with someone who's anti-anal and wants me to "talk them into it". If someone isn't open to ass play, well they're literally not open to it. The anal sphincter is a sensitive beast and if a partner is feeling reluctant, any attempts to open it up will result in pain and possible damage to your partner's body.
6. Blow Jobs Aren't Degrading
I'm surprised by how many women tell me that they find the idea of blow jobs degrading. I wonder where this idea comes from. To me a blow job is just something I do for my partner because he enjoys it. Truth be told so do I. I actual feel powerful when I'm going down on a guy -- his pleasure is in my hands...erm, so to speak.
Maybe it's that mainstream porn. I like porn, but I have to admit that the widely available XXX version perpetuates some pretty narrow and unpleasant (to me)ideas about sex. Now that I think about it, the whole leering, back-of-the-head push down maneuver seems kind of disrespectful. Especially in the porn context, when it's a random delivery man or army recruiter doing the push down. And in the case of het sex, there's little if any reciprocity. But that's porn. Don't judge real life sex by cheap, mainstream pornography. Trust me. Decent guys will respect you if you suck cock. Decent guys will respect you while you're sucking cock and then eagerly suck whatever it is you want to have sucked.
5. Jelly Vinyl: All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Bacterial Vaginosis
Here's the lowdown on jelly vinyl toys. They're mega porous and WILL trap bacteria. If you have a yeast infection, the infection will get under the surface of said toy and stay there. Ditto with an STI. Same goes for anal bacteria. It degrades over time. It often contains phalates, which have been linked to certain cancers. So here are my recommendations:
- If you can afford it, buy 100% silicone toys. Silicone is non-porous, hypo-allergenic and super-easy to clean. It's also a really nice texture. You can even get a special (but pricey) blend that simulates the feel of skin.
- If you can't afford silicone, try a toy made of elastomer or hard-plastic. Elastomer has a similar feel to jelly vinyl but it's less porous and generally phalate-free. Ditto for hard plastic.
- If you insist on a jelly toy, slap a condom on that baby and clean it after every single use. Do NOT share it with a partner and never, EVER put a jelly toy in your ass!
4. Lube: Use It
Another thing about my job that surprises me, is how defensive some people are about lube. I blame erotic stories. All these passages which use "wet" and synonyms thereof to connote arousal. So let's get some things straight. When a women is aroused, her vagina generally produces lubrication. But the degree to which she lubricates has little to do with her level of arousal. A woman can be barely warmed up, yet unleash a flood. Conversely, a woman may be on the verge of coming yet produce very little lubricant. And a lot of the time we lubricate for reasons that have nothing to do with sex at all.
Lube is fabulous. It changes the tactile/oral sensation of whatever kind of play you're into. It's essential for anal penetration. It makes hand jobs delightful. It makes sex safer, by reducing friction and decreasing the likelyhood that a condom will break. And it says nothing - do you hear me - NOTHING about anyone's ability to arouse or become aroused.
3. Adopt-A-Cunt
Unless you're a man and you only ever sex with men, you need to get aquainted with the lady bits. And if you're the owner of said ladybits, take a look at your own. Cunts are not like penis, which get whipped out in locker rooms and public toilets, etc. We don't really get to see them unless we look. And my impression is that there are a lot of women walking around thinking they have malformed vulvas. There are a wealth of different cunt-forms out there. They aren't neat little clefts between our thighs. With few exceptions, the overwhelming majority of women have hair unless they wax or shave. And by the way, I'm completely indifferent on the issue. It's your hair. Style it however you like -- as long as it is what YOU like.
You can get photo books that feature page after page of cunt shots. Not airbrushed, Playboybush. Normal, unaltered girl-crack. And while we're on this subject, a "vagina" is the canal from which babies and mentrual blood comes. The lips, clit and other stuff comprise the general region known as the "vulva". I'm just saying.
2. No Fucking Without A Safety Net
If you're fluid bonded and you want to have a baby, have all the unprotected sex you want. Other wise, take the pill, use a sponge, condom up, whatever. Heterosexual intercourse is a reproductive act. Babies happen. All other sexual contact with another human being is intensely intimate and involves getting your parts entagled with another organism's. STIs happen. So for the love of pete, if you don't want a baby and you don't want to be sick, take responsibility for yourself and your actions and gear up before you get down.
ETA: And remember that there's no such thing as totally safe sex. While contraceptives, condoms and other barriers reduce the odds of infection and babies, they don't eliminate them entirely. Even at it's safest, sex is risky.
1. Let's Talk About Sex - No Seriously, Let's.
Some people would rather jam forks in their eyes than talk about sex. But if you want to have it, I suggest you get over yourself and start talking. Talk about your fears. Talk about what feels good. Talk about what you need. Talk about yourself and the nuances of how your body works. Or if you can't talk, write a note or an e-mail. Act it out in shadow puppets. Use that fridge poetry if you have to. But the inescapable truth is that every person is different. Sexuality is individual and incredibly specific. When it comes to geting off, there are very few things which apply universally or even broadly. What works with one partner, probably won't work for the next. Customers ask me constantly "What can I do to turn my partner on?" And the only thing I can say is "You have to ask them". So ask. And if someone asks what turns YOU on, tell them. And if you don't know, tell them that. I believe sincerely, that anyone can have great sex with anyone, who's willing to talk and listen and work with them. I know it's hard. It's bodies, penises, cunts, tits, assholes and emotions and all the things that makes us feel vulnerable as human beings. It's a touchy subject - no pun intended. But the more you can push through the fear, the less scary it becomes. And the trade off is that we stop being embarassed and start feeling sexy and empowered. So communicate, communicate, get laid and then communicate some more.
Until next time, keep wanking!