How does it come to this?
After a day of work where every third person yelled and said I ruined their Christmas I came home in a foul mood.
I have been a bitter drink brewing these several weeks...perhaps longer even. Last night I couldn't really contain it. I had planned a nice Christmas eve dinner with the roommate but the truth is he and I have stopped actually communicating a while ago so I we aren't ever on the same page. I guess I also just couldn't fake a smile through all the shit I have been holding back from saying anymore and instead could hardly speak to him at all last night. It was either say nothing or say everything. I attempted saying nothing-this pissed him off and he stormed out-which led me to saying everything. I don't know if anything I said matters. I know a couple weeks ago is when I finally felt myself getting angry about his cheating on me this summer and while the friends I talked to about it said "its about time" it sort of consumed me. At the time of the cheating/break up mess I was more interested in trying to be who I thought I wanted to be-very forgiving and compassionate-trying to still care for someone than wanting to punch their stupid cheating face. I decided to let him move in because he had no place else to go-we thought there was a sure thing on a job-him paying rent would help me get caught up on some debts-etc it seems like an decent idea. The first month or so-I felt like we were actually taking care of one another-he did the dishes-had dinner waiting while I worked like crazy before NPS-and then we went to NPS and that shined light on a few things for me. I got a few too many head tilting-sympathetic "oh you're THAT Rachel" from people who knew what had gone down (like had been there)-I had kept the cheating pretty hush hush on my end and within my circle up until that point. This reaction paired with some flirting and single gal fun with new people brought me home ready to stop the pseudo coupling he and I were doing and starting more actively dating other people and moving on, living my life with my friends and letting him fend for himself socially. The job we thought was a sure thing was a constant row of hurdles most of them from First Student-some of them he put in front of himself and months were rolling by with me supporting him totally when I am already kind of living paycheck to paycheck. All along I only broke down a couple times-got really stressed-the cellphones got shut off very briefly because I couldn't pay it all at once. After each breakdown it was always me saying "we'll figure it out" and then either borrowing money from my mom or finding someway to cut something to keep paying the bills.
I have twittered a couple of times now that I should have gotten things in writing and thats not the dig at him he thinks it is-its just smart. We could have avoided a lot of the more recent arguing -I feel like he made a lot of promises and said a lot of things about what he would do when he did get paid that I apparently only remember and when someone looks at you like you're talking crazy you start to wonder if you're talking crazy.
The quickness and ease he has moved on to date someone else has made me additionally bitter because I am lonesome as shit and have been dating and meeting men and trying and feeling absolutely NOTHING inside. I cant look a single one of them in the eye. I can do little more than put up my defenses of making jokes and being this toughest girl in the room. It is exhausting pretending you are untouchable and aloof all the time.
Last night was a case of me being just as angry at him as I was at myself for the way I have handled this. For hating him and letting it get to that before I open my mouth and talk about what I am feeling-but these are new feelings-I have never gone from caring about someone so intensely that I would open my house to them and give them everything I am capable of giving to feeling absolutely stone inside around them and not believing a single word they say to me-kind or otherwise. I took him in because knowing his history I wanted to be different from all of the people that had shoved him away-I wanted for my own sake to be this more compassionate more forgiving person I have failed miserably at both. I have this entire army of the most amazing friends trying convince me that I am not a terrible person and I am struggling to believe them because I feel like a terrible person which only makes me angrier at him and then myself.
I have been a bitter drink brewing these several weeks...perhaps longer even. Last night I couldn't really contain it. I had planned a nice Christmas eve dinner with the roommate but the truth is he and I have stopped actually communicating a while ago so I we aren't ever on the same page. I guess I also just couldn't fake a smile through all the shit I have been holding back from saying anymore and instead could hardly speak to him at all last night. It was either say nothing or say everything. I attempted saying nothing-this pissed him off and he stormed out-which led me to saying everything. I don't know if anything I said matters. I know a couple weeks ago is when I finally felt myself getting angry about his cheating on me this summer and while the friends I talked to about it said "its about time" it sort of consumed me. At the time of the cheating/break up mess I was more interested in trying to be who I thought I wanted to be-very forgiving and compassionate-trying to still care for someone than wanting to punch their stupid cheating face. I decided to let him move in because he had no place else to go-we thought there was a sure thing on a job-him paying rent would help me get caught up on some debts-etc it seems like an decent idea. The first month or so-I felt like we were actually taking care of one another-he did the dishes-had dinner waiting while I worked like crazy before NPS-and then we went to NPS and that shined light on a few things for me. I got a few too many head tilting-sympathetic "oh you're THAT Rachel" from people who knew what had gone down (like had been there)-I had kept the cheating pretty hush hush on my end and within my circle up until that point. This reaction paired with some flirting and single gal fun with new people brought me home ready to stop the pseudo coupling he and I were doing and starting more actively dating other people and moving on, living my life with my friends and letting him fend for himself socially. The job we thought was a sure thing was a constant row of hurdles most of them from First Student-some of them he put in front of himself and months were rolling by with me supporting him totally when I am already kind of living paycheck to paycheck. All along I only broke down a couple times-got really stressed-the cellphones got shut off very briefly because I couldn't pay it all at once. After each breakdown it was always me saying "we'll figure it out" and then either borrowing money from my mom or finding someway to cut something to keep paying the bills.
I have twittered a couple of times now that I should have gotten things in writing and thats not the dig at him he thinks it is-its just smart. We could have avoided a lot of the more recent arguing -I feel like he made a lot of promises and said a lot of things about what he would do when he did get paid that I apparently only remember and when someone looks at you like you're talking crazy you start to wonder if you're talking crazy.
The quickness and ease he has moved on to date someone else has made me additionally bitter because I am lonesome as shit and have been dating and meeting men and trying and feeling absolutely NOTHING inside. I cant look a single one of them in the eye. I can do little more than put up my defenses of making jokes and being this toughest girl in the room. It is exhausting pretending you are untouchable and aloof all the time.
Last night was a case of me being just as angry at him as I was at myself for the way I have handled this. For hating him and letting it get to that before I open my mouth and talk about what I am feeling-but these are new feelings-I have never gone from caring about someone so intensely that I would open my house to them and give them everything I am capable of giving to feeling absolutely stone inside around them and not believing a single word they say to me-kind or otherwise. I took him in because knowing his history I wanted to be different from all of the people that had shoved him away-I wanted for my own sake to be this more compassionate more forgiving person I have failed miserably at both. I have this entire army of the most amazing friends trying convince me that I am not a terrible person and I am struggling to believe them because I feel like a terrible person which only makes me angrier at him and then myself.