This is what EVERYTHING looks like
I have lived in my apartment for 3 years now and I have never really thrown a party. I take care and time to decorate my apartment just so and no one ever really sees it unless I post photos or they help me carry in groceries. I also decorate for Christmas every year-put up my pink tree-string lights around the living room-hang stockings-etc and again no one else gets to see it. That is now untrue as last night I threw a Christmas party. I kept the guest list small because my apartment is very small and I also wanted it to be kind of a test run for future parties. I am very happy with how everything turned out-there was more than enough food-and drink and it really seems that everyone had a great time. The present swap was super fun with everyone stealing gifts back and forth. The record player wasn't quite working right (I think I really do need a new needle) but Emma and Spike brought cd's full of awesome music. The longest Uno game in history was played. A tipsy philosophical conversation was had into the wee hours, I have left over cheeseball and the cat has already forgiven me for keeping her locked in my bedroom. SUCCESS.
Prepping for the party also helped pull me out of a bit of a funk. I havent been home much lately and getting the place ready for people to come in made me remember how much care I used to put into my apartment to keep it looking just the way I like it. When Dain moves out I will keep his room a guest room but I think I have some fun ideas for it. I was on this weird wanting to move kick for a while but now I am in love with my little apartment all over again-now I just want people over more often. Christmas day I intend to get slowly drunk on hot chocolate w/ peppermint schnapps and watch movies so if you've got no plans come on over for some cheer.
Before the fun of the party and prep there was the WOWPS grand slam for writer's block. It was definitely a tough night. I was disappointed not to win the slot, but happy that Rae gets that opportunity-theres nothing like being a first timer at an national event-its an amazing feeling. I was happy with the work I presented-I feel like I could have scored higher with a couple of poems I have "retired" from slam but I would have felt cheap. I am not saying that I am not willing to compromise in slam -the KFC poem was not my original first choice for the 2 min round-but I do want to grow as I do this-not use the same pieces as crutches each time. I would've felt like all the work I have done this year would have been for naught had I done "Her Name" and the PF Changs poem. I also wanted to show range in my sideboard and I think I did that effectively. Even as an actress I was obsessed with showing range-that has no doubt transfered over to slam. The one minute piece was brand new and I am proud of that piece because of how difficult it was to write-its a more intimate piece than I think I typically write-it could use a couple more tweaks and I do like the longer version of it that I wrote better than the 1 min but sometimes you have to cut for slam. I know the subject matter of that poem is one people complain about being overdone or used only for points but working on that piece is sort of helping me unlock some places in me that I have sealed off-most especially in terms of language-I am not sure how exactly to explain what I mean by that but I do think it is a step in the direction I want to go in terms of honesty and intimacy...I apologize if this isnt making much sense and do not worry I am not writing an anthology of molestation/sexual abuse/lose of innocence type poems-to be honest that is not even the core of that poem for me but thats besides the point.
None the less I will be slamming at writing wrongs too and if I dont win that slot I will storm(even if i gotta pan handle for the registration fee). I watched WOWPS this year and next year I want in-I wanna play. I know I have some serious work ahead of me but this work makes me happy-winning or not. I am exhausted though-sort of do wish I had sat the IWPs slams out just for the sake of recharging a little because slams for nps will start before I know it!
I have also sort of realized that as much as I hate being single-I have walled myself out of time for dating. I met a nice guy a couple weeks ago-we made a date-he got called into work and had to cancel and I have NO idea when I might be able to see this man again. I am not entirely sure he's my type-but a nice guy none the less-maybe I should be thankful for my lack of time though because when I did find time it wasnt going well. I dont know what has happened-if I am just too hard hearted or what but I just havent felt anything at all for anyone since I think Dain and I dated-and well....I dont know if I should go into my recent realizations about that whole thing just now but to be totally honest I do think the last time I felt it most genuinely predates him as well. I feel drained -I have a line in a poem about no wanting a boy who will save me and it sort of feels like a lie lately-sort of anyway-I know one person cannot save another or make them totally happy and all that I am realistic but I sort of wish I could meet someone who helps me remember what it is to feel connected-to WANT to be intimate-to be excited to see or hear from them-everything in that area has gone sort of beige. And I hope this whole rant does not make me sound terribly ungrateful-I do seriously have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. Friends I can talk to about all sorts of everything-friends that make my first holiday party a huge success by filling my apartment with laughter and dancing and food but I really miss curling up with someone at the end of the night and to be really honest (and maybe a little over sharing)-I really really want to have sex. I am nearing that age where women supposedly hit their peak and appear in danger of missing that all together and YES this is my choice to wait and it would not be at all difficult to find a willing party-infact I think there are at least 4 in phone right now but I cannot bring myself to compromise on what I want-nor should I but dammit-I had no idea when I made this little promise to myself that it would take so long. I am really a little scared for the lucky fella who I do finally have sex with-we will be locked away for days I fear. The most common misconception about virgins is that we do not WANT to have sex or we are somehow not interested in it or have no sexual urges because we supposedly "don't know what we're missing"-LIES-we are human..we KNOW...we have the internet-WE KNOW.
So on that awkward and depraved note I am done with this brain dump- Hope everyone has a Happy Christmas! <3
Prepping for the party also helped pull me out of a bit of a funk. I havent been home much lately and getting the place ready for people to come in made me remember how much care I used to put into my apartment to keep it looking just the way I like it. When Dain moves out I will keep his room a guest room but I think I have some fun ideas for it. I was on this weird wanting to move kick for a while but now I am in love with my little apartment all over again-now I just want people over more often. Christmas day I intend to get slowly drunk on hot chocolate w/ peppermint schnapps and watch movies so if you've got no plans come on over for some cheer.
Before the fun of the party and prep there was the WOWPS grand slam for writer's block. It was definitely a tough night. I was disappointed not to win the slot, but happy that Rae gets that opportunity-theres nothing like being a first timer at an national event-its an amazing feeling. I was happy with the work I presented-I feel like I could have scored higher with a couple of poems I have "retired" from slam but I would have felt cheap. I am not saying that I am not willing to compromise in slam -the KFC poem was not my original first choice for the 2 min round-but I do want to grow as I do this-not use the same pieces as crutches each time. I would've felt like all the work I have done this year would have been for naught had I done "Her Name" and the PF Changs poem. I also wanted to show range in my sideboard and I think I did that effectively. Even as an actress I was obsessed with showing range-that has no doubt transfered over to slam. The one minute piece was brand new and I am proud of that piece because of how difficult it was to write-its a more intimate piece than I think I typically write-it could use a couple more tweaks and I do like the longer version of it that I wrote better than the 1 min but sometimes you have to cut for slam. I know the subject matter of that poem is one people complain about being overdone or used only for points but working on that piece is sort of helping me unlock some places in me that I have sealed off-most especially in terms of language-I am not sure how exactly to explain what I mean by that but I do think it is a step in the direction I want to go in terms of honesty and intimacy...I apologize if this isnt making much sense and do not worry I am not writing an anthology of molestation/sexual abuse/lose of innocence type poems-to be honest that is not even the core of that poem for me but thats besides the point.
None the less I will be slamming at writing wrongs too and if I dont win that slot I will storm(even if i gotta pan handle for the registration fee). I watched WOWPS this year and next year I want in-I wanna play. I know I have some serious work ahead of me but this work makes me happy-winning or not. I am exhausted though-sort of do wish I had sat the IWPs slams out just for the sake of recharging a little because slams for nps will start before I know it!
I have also sort of realized that as much as I hate being single-I have walled myself out of time for dating. I met a nice guy a couple weeks ago-we made a date-he got called into work and had to cancel and I have NO idea when I might be able to see this man again. I am not entirely sure he's my type-but a nice guy none the less-maybe I should be thankful for my lack of time though because when I did find time it wasnt going well. I dont know what has happened-if I am just too hard hearted or what but I just havent felt anything at all for anyone since I think Dain and I dated-and well....I dont know if I should go into my recent realizations about that whole thing just now but to be totally honest I do think the last time I felt it most genuinely predates him as well. I feel drained -I have a line in a poem about no wanting a boy who will save me and it sort of feels like a lie lately-sort of anyway-I know one person cannot save another or make them totally happy and all that I am realistic but I sort of wish I could meet someone who helps me remember what it is to feel connected-to WANT to be intimate-to be excited to see or hear from them-everything in that area has gone sort of beige. And I hope this whole rant does not make me sound terribly ungrateful-I do seriously have some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. Friends I can talk to about all sorts of everything-friends that make my first holiday party a huge success by filling my apartment with laughter and dancing and food but I really miss curling up with someone at the end of the night and to be really honest (and maybe a little over sharing)-I really really want to have sex. I am nearing that age where women supposedly hit their peak and appear in danger of missing that all together and YES this is my choice to wait and it would not be at all difficult to find a willing party-infact I think there are at least 4 in phone right now but I cannot bring myself to compromise on what I want-nor should I but dammit-I had no idea when I made this little promise to myself that it would take so long. I am really a little scared for the lucky fella who I do finally have sex with-we will be locked away for days I fear. The most common misconception about virgins is that we do not WANT to have sex or we are somehow not interested in it or have no sexual urges because we supposedly "don't know what we're missing"-LIES-we are human..we KNOW...we have the internet-WE KNOW.
So on that awkward and depraved note I am done with this brain dump- Hope everyone has a Happy Christmas! <3