The Quest!
The Quest!
Yesterday I was hanging out with my friend Squiggles. Chinese food and two rounds of Pokemon I decided I was tired of getting my ass kicked by his ubber Pokemon decks (trust me, they’re evil right down to the core! Never thought I’ve be so scared of a Geodude… the little fucker…)
So we pulled out his laptop and fired up some game Roms. Bucky O’Hare was buggy as all hell, Burger Time wouldn’t load. Dig Dug was fun but not something to kill the afternoon with, so then we tried Battle Toads, wondering why they’ve never made another one of those… then after a sucky level rappelling down into death we figured why there hasn’t been any more.
Then we loaded up Gunstar Heroes… man… the game’s like a tripped out Metal Slug. At one minute you’re fighting a guy standing atop a helicopter, then you’re in a mine shaft trying to take down a shape shifting robot… then there was the dice board game level… that was just freaky… needless to saw we were hooked, and wanted more.
At work we once had Gunstar Super Heroes on clearance for the GameBoy Advance, and at different times we’d both pondered picking it up, but never did. But now we had a quest! We’d find it at all costs! Hopefully cheep costs since it had been clearanced out…
First we tried K-Mart, who’s game department moved with all the raging speed of a glacier… but they didn’t have what we were after… and we had to get out of there fast! Their organization was so lacking it caused me physical pain! They using plastic tubs to hold Wii games!!! Augh!!!
So we ventured to Target! The land where I get Doritos and Sprite, but now was not the time for Doritos and Spite… we were on a quest! Alas, they did not have it…
Around this time I suggested trying to create some sort of time machine so that we could go back and buy the game while we still had it at work, and then we’d be able to use our discount cards… but altering the past always fucks things up somehow…
From there we trekked to Meijer, where the PS3 section was really a PS2 sign with a piece of paper with a ‘3’ on over the 2… The only GBA game there was Nickelodeon’s Unfabulous… yeah…
Then there was the Heart of Darkness… we’d grown so desperate we tried Wal-Mart, and pondered what it would do to the gene pool to blow up every Wal-Mart in the world… after we left of course… and as you can guess, no luck there.
Squiggles suggested we give Fry’s Electronics a call, since they have everything. But without a phone book and being rather lazy I called Stu! After a few minutes of listening to him wrestle with his kids and find that the Indy phone books sucked, he tried the internet! Which not only gives us porn, but also phone numbers!
By this time we’d arrived at Best Buy, and went in. They actually had a few GBA games, but no sign of the elusive Gunstar Super Heroes!...
Upon leaving we gave Fry’s a call, and found that they had 4 copies! But they closed 9…
It was 7:45. Squiggles had to meet up with his girlfriend a bit after 8. But I… I have no life, so I figured it would gimme something to do! Who doesn’t love a mad drive down I-69 in search of a $12.99 Game that’s three years old? …okay, best not to answer that one... you people with lives, and relationships, and interesting things to do…
Well fine, maybe I had interesting things to do too!
Maybe I had to fight a dragon in the middle of the drive there! It's giant claws tearing apart my car. Causing me to having to climb out onto the hood and throw my pop at it. The soda landing in it's mouth, causing it to go into a diabetic shock (hey, it happens to dragons too). from there I had to ride it’s falling body back down to the ground where it hit a gas tanker and exploded into a huge fireball that lit up the sky!
Where upon I dramatically threw off my burning trench coat to reveal I had been unharmed in the blast, and was were my cool World of WarCraft Horde shirt! And of course you know from there I would have landed on a semi cab that was heading down into heart of Indianapolis. The 18 Wheeler plowing through waves of zombies that had nothing better to do on a Saturday night than try to feast upon stranded motorists and hitchhikers. Dismembered body parts flying into the air around me.
After the undead swarms thinned out the truck began to pass by the complex where Fry’s was located. I had to jump from the movie vehicle over an electrified fence and a moat filled with llamas... not that that’s the least bit practical, but it does ward off solicitors!
Dodging a giant rampaging robot I moved through the parking lot… yeah… Fry’s sells giant robots, and sometimes they start to rampage out of the box… there’s a warning sticker on the back side, so don’t go thinking it’s their fault your car was just crushed by your purchase!
Upon reaching the gates to Fry’s I stepped forward… and they opened... because they’re automatic, just like the machine guns that started strafing… and there were also alligators… with chainsaws attached to their back for no reason what so ever!
Needless to say I was killed on the spot and was never heard from again…
Or maybe I was able to get into Fry’s five minutes before they closed, bought two copies and then went home to a warm bath and an awesome game to play while soaking…
B!