You better go and get your armor...
I wonder, if I didn't have a heart would love pains go away?
If I didn't have a heart, would I be able to do better in school?
If I didn't have a heart, would I still be lovable?
Yes, Maybe. No.
I always prided myself on the kindness and love I could show to even my worst of enemies. I'm usually humble, but let's be honest: I have A LOT of fans out there. I can think of about 20 in real life, and 40 through chat rooms, forums and blogs. I remember a few days after I decided to take a break from the computer for awhile this summer, Nighthawk, leader of C=64 came to me asking if I was ok, if everything was alright, and that he hadn't seen me on AC for awhile. I told him what I was up to, and he understood. Then Nova messaged me a few days later, followed by SolidScale. Z messages me almost everyday. Pie, Colby, Phillip, Mat, Kiera, Laura, Megan, sometimes Dani, Daniel, Jordan, Deanna, Kenny, Karissa, Brittany...They all value my opinion so much. It's almost as if my word is law to them. It is because I am a honest and trustworthy person, with a good heart and great intentions. But every good character has his dark side. Mine is how I dealt with heartbreak. The story is pretty aparent by now. Loss of father, followed by loss of girlfriend (not just a girlfriend, THE girlfriend. The best, the big kahuna, etc etc) followed by loss of grandma, followed by loss of friend. I've always been able to get out of holes that I end up in. But I'm still struggling with this one. This hole I am in is covered, there's no way out.
I should be packing right now, but I can not. I feel horrible, terrible guilt and I the only way I know how to recover is to write it down. There are some things that only time can solve, I suppose. I went to my father's grave a few days ago...oh wow, it was only yesterday. It wasn't as bad. no tears shed. Just smiles from fond memories and inspiration from remembered words of the greatest man of my life. But the sad was there. I pushed it down, and now it's boiling up.
I'm so guilty of so many things. All my friends can say is that I am not guilty, but they don't know the truth. I remember my father as he was. all of him, not just the time before cancer struck. I remember the joy and strength he gained when my brother came to visit. I remember watching the joy and strength go away when he left. I didn't have as much of an effect on him. Naturally, a younger sibling shall be envious of the older kin. But there's more to it than that. I was a troll, my brother is a hero. I tallied up the time I spent with my father that summer with the time I spent on the computer. I'd rather not say what the answer is, I am very ashamed to say the least. As he started to pass away he felt unloved, and his feelings are justified. Same as Jamie feeling unloved as time passed by. Her feelings are also justified. I am full of guilt, and despite remarkable ability I have to forgive any and all, I can not forgive myself.
It's strange that the history of Talad and Laanx, Gods of Yiaklum is similar to my relationship with Jamie. Talad and Laanx are Gods in the game Planeshift that I help create. Talad was dark skinned, muscular, and strong yet gentle and kind. Laanx was fair, beautiful and radiant, and all could find a friend in her. Anyways, Laanx ended up with another Lover (novelus? I forget his name) and learned something great from him. Something Talad did not share with her. Talad was jealous and tried to produce the same and failed so horribly that he hurt Laanx very badly. Laanx had been hurt so much that she ran away, from Talad. Even though Talad apologized and asked her to come back, Laanx was too hurt, and had changed so much that she could never be around Talad again and be happy. I left out all the details about creatures and yiaklum of course, but that's about it. I never actually finished reading the history, I feel uncomfortable reading it and I am not sure if I want to.
It's horrible. I feel horrible. I can still give you a smile, but I feel horrible on the inside. I read something on facebook that made me sad. I'm not the last person Jamie has kissed. Why this upsets me so much, I don't know. Yes I do. I'm over her, so I say. But I still love her, not just a fleeting don't leave me desparate attempt. I really love her! I keep hearing people say, "oh move on, she's not good enough for you." And that really ticks me off. "She's not good enough for you." how the fuck can anyone know what's good enough for me other than me? She's too good for me, that's what. too good for me to match up to. I have been proud of the size of my heart and ability to be kind and gentle and caring. But her heart is so much larger than mine. I don't match up to it. As time has passed I feel as if my heart has shrunk, 10 sizes too small, uncaring, unerving, unable. Sure I help people. That's been enough for me, because I care about people equally. But I care about Jamie more, much more, and she is who I can not help, no matter what I do, because she loves more than I.
I think I found my flaw. I can deal with fear, disgust, and irritation. I cannot control anger. and I can not withstand guilt. Tear me down and get it over with. The real me is lonely and depressed. my smiles are only temporary.
If I didn't have a heart, would I be able to do better in school?
If I didn't have a heart, would I still be lovable?
Yes, Maybe. No.
I always prided myself on the kindness and love I could show to even my worst of enemies. I'm usually humble, but let's be honest: I have A LOT of fans out there. I can think of about 20 in real life, and 40 through chat rooms, forums and blogs. I remember a few days after I decided to take a break from the computer for awhile this summer, Nighthawk, leader of C=64 came to me asking if I was ok, if everything was alright, and that he hadn't seen me on AC for awhile. I told him what I was up to, and he understood. Then Nova messaged me a few days later, followed by SolidScale. Z messages me almost everyday. Pie, Colby, Phillip, Mat, Kiera, Laura, Megan, sometimes Dani, Daniel, Jordan, Deanna, Kenny, Karissa, Brittany...They all value my opinion so much. It's almost as if my word is law to them. It is because I am a honest and trustworthy person, with a good heart and great intentions. But every good character has his dark side. Mine is how I dealt with heartbreak. The story is pretty aparent by now. Loss of father, followed by loss of girlfriend (not just a girlfriend, THE girlfriend. The best, the big kahuna, etc etc) followed by loss of grandma, followed by loss of friend. I've always been able to get out of holes that I end up in. But I'm still struggling with this one. This hole I am in is covered, there's no way out.
I should be packing right now, but I can not. I feel horrible, terrible guilt and I the only way I know how to recover is to write it down. There are some things that only time can solve, I suppose. I went to my father's grave a few days ago...oh wow, it was only yesterday. It wasn't as bad. no tears shed. Just smiles from fond memories and inspiration from remembered words of the greatest man of my life. But the sad was there. I pushed it down, and now it's boiling up.
I'm so guilty of so many things. All my friends can say is that I am not guilty, but they don't know the truth. I remember my father as he was. all of him, not just the time before cancer struck. I remember the joy and strength he gained when my brother came to visit. I remember watching the joy and strength go away when he left. I didn't have as much of an effect on him. Naturally, a younger sibling shall be envious of the older kin. But there's more to it than that. I was a troll, my brother is a hero. I tallied up the time I spent with my father that summer with the time I spent on the computer. I'd rather not say what the answer is, I am very ashamed to say the least. As he started to pass away he felt unloved, and his feelings are justified. Same as Jamie feeling unloved as time passed by. Her feelings are also justified. I am full of guilt, and despite remarkable ability I have to forgive any and all, I can not forgive myself.
It's strange that the history of Talad and Laanx, Gods of Yiaklum is similar to my relationship with Jamie. Talad and Laanx are Gods in the game Planeshift that I help create. Talad was dark skinned, muscular, and strong yet gentle and kind. Laanx was fair, beautiful and radiant, and all could find a friend in her. Anyways, Laanx ended up with another Lover (novelus? I forget his name) and learned something great from him. Something Talad did not share with her. Talad was jealous and tried to produce the same and failed so horribly that he hurt Laanx very badly. Laanx had been hurt so much that she ran away, from Talad. Even though Talad apologized and asked her to come back, Laanx was too hurt, and had changed so much that she could never be around Talad again and be happy. I left out all the details about creatures and yiaklum of course, but that's about it. I never actually finished reading the history, I feel uncomfortable reading it and I am not sure if I want to.
It's horrible. I feel horrible. I can still give you a smile, but I feel horrible on the inside. I read something on facebook that made me sad. I'm not the last person Jamie has kissed. Why this upsets me so much, I don't know. Yes I do. I'm over her, so I say. But I still love her, not just a fleeting don't leave me desparate attempt. I really love her! I keep hearing people say, "oh move on, she's not good enough for you." And that really ticks me off. "She's not good enough for you." how the fuck can anyone know what's good enough for me other than me? She's too good for me, that's what. too good for me to match up to. I have been proud of the size of my heart and ability to be kind and gentle and caring. But her heart is so much larger than mine. I don't match up to it. As time has passed I feel as if my heart has shrunk, 10 sizes too small, uncaring, unerving, unable. Sure I help people. That's been enough for me, because I care about people equally. But I care about Jamie more, much more, and she is who I can not help, no matter what I do, because she loves more than I.
I think I found my flaw. I can deal with fear, disgust, and irritation. I cannot control anger. and I can not withstand guilt. Tear me down and get it over with. The real me is lonely and depressed. my smiles are only temporary.