Today... dun dun dun
Well I don't feel like shit today. but im just going to try to record what ive done during the day each day anyway, just journal, and i like livejournal bc I feel like it's a bit more informal.
im not always going to use punctuation marks bc im lazy.
actually i have lots of stuff to download.
today was a bit of a mess with work. we discovered that the IT company we had hired to handle our email sub domain which had told us they had added dmarc records for our email subdomains actually hadn't, and GHL was starting to auto unsubscribe some of our subscribers - blocking us from reaching our customers. this actually was a big deal so I spent most of my day handling all that bullshit back and fourth with GHL and our IT guy within the company etc... so we had to pause our promotions. plus Bob having a hissy fit about our sales guy sending emails through his outlook and not within the CRM aaaaaaand that's about all ill say on all of that. bc boring but yeah.
had some comm with my kids today. just general cheerful stuff.
im still working on repairing the relationship with London, from when I left and went to Australia for 4 month back in 2019-2020. he doesn't remember that time but the waves of the effects are still happening. he doesn't even remember where it started now. but yeah, all my fault, i placed trust in another guy who i thought was going to come and be with us and spent a lot of time and attention and work to help him.
im still sort of trying to find my way back home. trying to find the things that indicate to me again.
after what happened about a month ago, i sort of just lost it. lost my motivation for doing any of it.
i would say that i still cry sometimes, and deeply miss him, but im doing better mentally and trying to build back my life from scratch - what i was trying to do before but the "high" came from the hope of "us" continuing, which he breadcrumbed me into thinking was real, and then all of a sudden I noticed that had dried up and started to every so often ask about it, like, so what about this? but trying not to push it only like once a week for a couple weeks in march and april... and then he would get upset with me... then finally when I was just about to transfer to him all the work I had done which normally would have cost him $2500-$5000 (if I had had the chance to finish the project, on the higher end) he insulted me by calling me a fat-ass - so I pulled the plug and said you know what dammit you're not going to say that to me and then have me transfer all this work to you for free. and anyway it's why i worked so hard towards getting everything done (which I am sure he knew and used to his advantage) to help his business and increase my income etc. to be able to help make it available for him to come out here and us to be together again - and just at the last minute - he revealed his real intentions were not what he had been playing around with me about earlier this year. thanks a lot. just go ahead and use me, use my attention and energy, bc you know i still love you, and then just say "oh well actually yeah im gonna go date other people, nope, we're never going to see each other again actually" after AGAIN leading me on. (expletive)
So... as i was saying i am actually doing better mentally i think... i have not had the energy or attention honestly to put into my business, what happened there with him totally took the wind out of my sails quite literally and ive just been pretty much drifting in regards to all that for the last month or so. month and a bit.
no matter what he says or thinks, whether he can see what he was doing, ive realized that in fact he was just using me, and it has hurt so much, but ive come to terms with it and even though i said over and over i don't want to get my heart broken again and want to be able to trust you, he went and did it again, and i checked with him many times "are you seeing or talking to anyone else?" he would always say no. i said please don't block/disconnect from me or just stop talking to me after all this no matter what. he said he didn't intend on cutting me off and while we are not blocked we just don't talk anymore and yes it's very hurtful, and very hurtful the things he said to me and actions he took - and lies that he's told about me (calling me names, telling "people" im a stalker which is absolutely not true, as i said in my email to him id leave him alone and i have. im just very hurt by the whole thing and have not had any desire or motivation to work on my business at all. failed purpose.) but i also asked, is this all we are ever going to be, just online friends, just friends, and you'll never see me again? and he exploded into rage at me even asking about it. very strange. that was in late April 2024.
im pretty sure he was already talking to other "people" - women/girls/dating apps/his other exes/whoever.
whatever as ive said ive come to terms with the fact he was just using me and didn't really care about my feelings, or ever actually intend on doing something with me again even though he said he did.
so im doing my best to make the best of things, and again, rebuild. trying to find the energy and mental wherewithal to start again with my online marketing biz.
i have a lot to figure out actually in regards to that.
i'll get back to that.
i have a lot to work on regarding my physical condition as well.
over the past year the stress from the losses really impacted my health and fitness and i am trying to climb my way back up out of a hole.
SO - i went for a mile and a half walk/jog tonight.
tomorrow i will do better. it's tuesday and i dropped off my kids yesterday but i will try to do more tomorrow.
i am really grateful that i live in a clean nice neighborhood, i live in a big nice house with quiet decent people and it is peaceful and calm.
so...
basically i want to journal about the business stuff and my fitness, bc those are my two main goals at the moment.
i am absolutely not interested in looking for sex or love right now, and don't know that i ever will be again.
i need to restore my finances and my health. i need to move out and get a place of my own although im very grateful for where i live bc it has been so helpful that i have such a kind nice caring landlord who, if you treat him right and get your rent paid, he will go out of his way to do nice things for you. i like that. im kind of like that. i can be a bitch if im used or taken advantage of or someone is rude or unkind to me on a repeat basis - but i am the nicest sweetest person to people who are helpful and kind to me and soft and nice. and make me laugh.
well... im all written out. was going to say more but can't. deal with it. muahahahahhaha.
