Its Eleven O'clock... do you know where your John is?
Its 11:11pm and I’m tired… I could easily fall asleep and sleep in for as long as work will allow me today… but I won’t, I can’t. I didn’t get to talk to John last night because he was cleaning his house from top to bottom, much like we had to clean the 47 top to bottom today at work, just as long and just as hard only he did it by himself when he made none of the mess… and got a small thank you and that’s it in return… I think I’m more upset about it then he is… anyway he had to run to wallmart and wanted to talk when he got back… but that was two hours ago… and I’m so tired…
I’m sure I had thing I wanted to talk to him about, I just want to sit here and know that he is on the other side of my computer screen for a wile to be honest, to be reassured that if something dose happen to me, if I have a nightmare or some kind of mental breakdown that he will be here just on the other side of my screen, or in my pocket for as long as my phone has battery life. But until then I’m left waiting… again…
I talked to dad today, I’m hoping he can help John find a job if he can’t get a hold of the hospital or target or the sheriffs department, the chances are slim that he wouldn’t get a hold of them, but then again we thought the chances where slim that it would take three fucking months to find a job too, and its not like he isn’t actively looking because he is, he has been… *sigh* my dad isn’t to promising either, but it just shows how desperate I am that I would resort to asking dad to hire or help find him a job…
I want him to succeed, even more then I want him to move up here I want him to get a job and succeed… he would never forgive himself if he had to resort to living with me because he couldn’t get a job and take care of himself, he already beets himself up enough for taking money from me, which everyone tells me I shouldn’t do *sigh* but I couldn’t stop if I wanted too… I would never ever forgive myself, its just the kind of person I am, its that one peace of pride I have left in myself that I would go threw this to help someone I care about and I can’t just throw that away because its hard or wrong in others eyes. He isn’t using me, if he where it would be different but that isn’t the case so I can’t justify stopping to myself and I don’t have to live with these people, I can’t escape myself.
Well I think I’m going to lay down for a bit… John said I should anyway so hopefully he will text me or buzz me or something so I can get up and talk to him once he comes home… I need to talk to him about jobs, about moving here… about how much I miss him and just want to know he is there if I need anything… *sigh* good night
I’m sure I had thing I wanted to talk to him about, I just want to sit here and know that he is on the other side of my computer screen for a wile to be honest, to be reassured that if something dose happen to me, if I have a nightmare or some kind of mental breakdown that he will be here just on the other side of my screen, or in my pocket for as long as my phone has battery life. But until then I’m left waiting… again…
I talked to dad today, I’m hoping he can help John find a job if he can’t get a hold of the hospital or target or the sheriffs department, the chances are slim that he wouldn’t get a hold of them, but then again we thought the chances where slim that it would take three fucking months to find a job too, and its not like he isn’t actively looking because he is, he has been… *sigh* my dad isn’t to promising either, but it just shows how desperate I am that I would resort to asking dad to hire or help find him a job…
I want him to succeed, even more then I want him to move up here I want him to get a job and succeed… he would never forgive himself if he had to resort to living with me because he couldn’t get a job and take care of himself, he already beets himself up enough for taking money from me, which everyone tells me I shouldn’t do *sigh* but I couldn’t stop if I wanted too… I would never ever forgive myself, its just the kind of person I am, its that one peace of pride I have left in myself that I would go threw this to help someone I care about and I can’t just throw that away because its hard or wrong in others eyes. He isn’t using me, if he where it would be different but that isn’t the case so I can’t justify stopping to myself and I don’t have to live with these people, I can’t escape myself.
Well I think I’m going to lay down for a bit… John said I should anyway so hopefully he will text me or buzz me or something so I can get up and talk to him once he comes home… I need to talk to him about jobs, about moving here… about how much I miss him and just want to know he is there if I need anything… *sigh* good night