New Start!... Again!
You know I think I restart more journals, both electronic and physical, then my mood swings, and I’ll be getting into that more later… so yes I am starting again with this one… I would have to wouldn’t I? as my last entry took place 18 days before boot camp and now I have been in and out of boot camp again and am now at my first station and have been here for over a month and a half… so yes I think starting over is the only real option… just picking it up again would be almost a little odd, though in a way that is what I’m doing as I’m not exactly deleting the old entries or starting a new account. I have too many groups tied to this one I don’t want to have to rejoin with a new account. So I suppose weather or not I’m starting over or just picking it back up again will depend solely on your outlook… or my mood…
So where to begin really… there are a few things I should probably discuses or at least start or maybe just stet strait in this first post in a long time...
My new job/station
My relationship with John
My new sword class (WOOTNESS!)
My fear of having a mental disorder
My religion
My RPG
Probably a few other random things I can’t think of right now…
So let’s start with the first one and try and work our way down shall we? After all to me journals have always been me talking to myself to sort my mind out as well as to make a kind of record of what is going on in my life and mind at any particular time for later analysis.
My new Job/Station
Sucks balls… the end… well not really, there are a few ok people but they are all purity indifferent to the troubles of the people around them, which is really to be expected but still sucks as the Military and the Coast Guard in particular preaches the opposite… about looking out for your shipmates well being, including their mental state of mind, which mine has been obviously and blatantly fucked up at work at least, but more of that shall come later. I can already say that there shall be many a rant about work written in this Journal. I had a few things I wanted to rant about right now to be honest… like the fact that if your still training you have to study until 8 wile your on duty and yet I feel like I’m the only one out of the people who ‘should’ be doing that that actually gets shit about it… rarg… on to the next topic for now!
My relationship with John
Is going great… much better then a few weeks ago anyway. He is still in Arizona, 2100 miles away and that was why it wasn’t so good a few weeks ago. He is still working on getting a job and until then I’m helping him out with bills which everyone who knows about it thinks I’m stupid for doing but I would never forgive my self if I stopped even if I wanted too. He will be there for a year give or take a few months, in order to fulfill his obligations to the boys (who still hate me, including Patrick, but not including Tim anymore.) to settle most of his debts, and to spend some much needed time as independently as he can wile still socializing with his friends. I am split in many different ways in all of this, though the loudest voice lately, thank goodness, has been the optimistic one that is proud of him for keeping his word, and is looking forward to her own independence. As much as we both miss each other however we are managing to do very well under the circumstances. He will visit when he has the chance and I will do the same when I have the chance. Until then there is the internet, txt, and random phone activity.
My new sword school.
Finally! It is a dream come true and the people are so kind and accepting and wonderful… it must be a trick! Nothing can be this good! Oh wait… I have to drive 2+ hours there and back every available weekend both Saturday and Sunday… yes that must be the catch *giggle* expensive yes, but in addition to being very good people, great instructors, understanding fellow/advanced students, they are also understanding and have given me a $20 monthly discount because of my commute… so nice… they have also invited me to go and eat with them after class, which I do on Saturday since I can sleep in on Sunday though I must work on Monday. Added bonuses… we are going to an Anime Con to put on Demos… which means not only do I get to see the Demos myself and maybe even be in a few; I also get to see the Anime Con! WEEEEE!!! And all free of charge! DOUBLE WEEEEE!!!!! So yes… this is the best thing going on in my life right now and really the only thing other then my own stubbornness that is keeping me at this fucking station… hmmm now I need to buy a sword… doh!
My fear of having a mental disorder
Bipolar disorder to be exact… something that I have been a bit worried about for a wile now, more so recently as I have been a fucking rollercoaster… though it has improved greatly over all… but that one day *whistle* I changed from one extreme to the other in a span of about 3-4 hours… I started in a really, really good mood, then in a flash I was in the deepest depression… then with one little comment I was so angry I wanted to kill everyone in the station. Then it went to a nub melancholy… ug that was a bad day… but the real reason I’m brining this up now is because I found out today that my dad, though we have always expected and joked about it, has just been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder… and there are some studies that say it may be hereditary… *sigh* I was a lot more worried about it a moment ago (go figure another quick switch) so its harder now to express just how I was feeling at the time… I kept telling everyone that I was fine and I was numb and it was ok really when I told them I wondered if it ran in the family, but inside I was really starting to worry… it just goes to show I can still put on the old mask when necessary… something I was so terrified that I had lost the ability to do, and when I’m really depressed I can’t do it… not like I used to… I think that was one of the reasons I was so scared… even now when I’m feeling that way I wander the halls of work, almost dazed and confused just waiting for someone to notice or care… I was never like that before and the fact that I feel like I can’t control it upsets me badly… but enough of that for now…
My religion.
I have become steadier in some ways and a bit less so in others… I am working on a joint altar to Njord and Skadi and its coming a lot kind of slowly but I haven’t forgotten or put it completely aside so that is a good thing… though I have run into a small snag as far as having liquor at work… as that is where it shall be… but I’m working to get around it… its kind of funny that I’m trying to jump threw all of these hoops for this little thing when I won’t do it for so many other things. Most stuff concerning this will go in my other Journal but there will be the occasional thing in here so I thought it was worth mentioning.
My RPG
John and E and maybe Eleanor and I have tried to start another RPG based on D&D’s oriental adventures, it is moving slow but E has just gotten internet back and John and I have been only slatternly driven… but the good thing about this one is that we can drop it and pick it back up as time goes by since its just the 3 or 4 of us and we all know each other… its not like another public form where if we disappear we might be leaving a few people hanging and thus loose any characters and/or positions we might have… and I don’t’ want anyone to adopt my characters… and this way we don’t have to deal with godmoding morons *grin* I have brought back Killian as a blind Monk, and Ayala as a Fox Hengioki Wujin with an emphasis on changing and fire magic. John has a Samurai with bad luck and E a horse Hengioki wujin with mostly healing and supportive magic. So far E gets Killian (big surprise) and John gets Ayala, though who knows as time goes bay… it was so hard not to bring in Shon and/or Vinrin but we agreed that only two at first was best… but believe me when I say that Vinrin will be an NPC at least >.<
Oh as a random side note… I have started gaming a bit more actively… the FEAR series kicks all kinds of ass and has given me a new desire and appreciation for first person shooters that I never had before. Morowind is good so far but a bit slow starting so I shall have to keep playing before giving a better opinion or assessment on it.
I think that is it for this debriefing.. if you can call three pages brief… but I don’t think I have forgotten anything of extreme importance that I can’t mention in passing in later posts… hopefully I’ll stick with this try at regularity *flinch* my record isn’t very good but as they say when you fall off of a horse… kill it, eat it, get a new horse, and get back on!
So where to begin really… there are a few things I should probably discuses or at least start or maybe just stet strait in this first post in a long time...
My new job/station
My relationship with John
My new sword class (WOOTNESS!)
My fear of having a mental disorder
My religion
My RPG
Probably a few other random things I can’t think of right now…
So let’s start with the first one and try and work our way down shall we? After all to me journals have always been me talking to myself to sort my mind out as well as to make a kind of record of what is going on in my life and mind at any particular time for later analysis.
My new Job/Station
Sucks balls… the end… well not really, there are a few ok people but they are all purity indifferent to the troubles of the people around them, which is really to be expected but still sucks as the Military and the Coast Guard in particular preaches the opposite… about looking out for your shipmates well being, including their mental state of mind, which mine has been obviously and blatantly fucked up at work at least, but more of that shall come later. I can already say that there shall be many a rant about work written in this Journal. I had a few things I wanted to rant about right now to be honest… like the fact that if your still training you have to study until 8 wile your on duty and yet I feel like I’m the only one out of the people who ‘should’ be doing that that actually gets shit about it… rarg… on to the next topic for now!
My relationship with John
Is going great… much better then a few weeks ago anyway. He is still in Arizona, 2100 miles away and that was why it wasn’t so good a few weeks ago. He is still working on getting a job and until then I’m helping him out with bills which everyone who knows about it thinks I’m stupid for doing but I would never forgive my self if I stopped even if I wanted too. He will be there for a year give or take a few months, in order to fulfill his obligations to the boys (who still hate me, including Patrick, but not including Tim anymore.) to settle most of his debts, and to spend some much needed time as independently as he can wile still socializing with his friends. I am split in many different ways in all of this, though the loudest voice lately, thank goodness, has been the optimistic one that is proud of him for keeping his word, and is looking forward to her own independence. As much as we both miss each other however we are managing to do very well under the circumstances. He will visit when he has the chance and I will do the same when I have the chance. Until then there is the internet, txt, and random phone activity.
My new sword school.
Finally! It is a dream come true and the people are so kind and accepting and wonderful… it must be a trick! Nothing can be this good! Oh wait… I have to drive 2+ hours there and back every available weekend both Saturday and Sunday… yes that must be the catch *giggle* expensive yes, but in addition to being very good people, great instructors, understanding fellow/advanced students, they are also understanding and have given me a $20 monthly discount because of my commute… so nice… they have also invited me to go and eat with them after class, which I do on Saturday since I can sleep in on Sunday though I must work on Monday. Added bonuses… we are going to an Anime Con to put on Demos… which means not only do I get to see the Demos myself and maybe even be in a few; I also get to see the Anime Con! WEEEEE!!! And all free of charge! DOUBLE WEEEEE!!!!! So yes… this is the best thing going on in my life right now and really the only thing other then my own stubbornness that is keeping me at this fucking station… hmmm now I need to buy a sword… doh!
My fear of having a mental disorder
Bipolar disorder to be exact… something that I have been a bit worried about for a wile now, more so recently as I have been a fucking rollercoaster… though it has improved greatly over all… but that one day *whistle* I changed from one extreme to the other in a span of about 3-4 hours… I started in a really, really good mood, then in a flash I was in the deepest depression… then with one little comment I was so angry I wanted to kill everyone in the station. Then it went to a nub melancholy… ug that was a bad day… but the real reason I’m brining this up now is because I found out today that my dad, though we have always expected and joked about it, has just been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder… and there are some studies that say it may be hereditary… *sigh* I was a lot more worried about it a moment ago (go figure another quick switch) so its harder now to express just how I was feeling at the time… I kept telling everyone that I was fine and I was numb and it was ok really when I told them I wondered if it ran in the family, but inside I was really starting to worry… it just goes to show I can still put on the old mask when necessary… something I was so terrified that I had lost the ability to do, and when I’m really depressed I can’t do it… not like I used to… I think that was one of the reasons I was so scared… even now when I’m feeling that way I wander the halls of work, almost dazed and confused just waiting for someone to notice or care… I was never like that before and the fact that I feel like I can’t control it upsets me badly… but enough of that for now…
My religion.
I have become steadier in some ways and a bit less so in others… I am working on a joint altar to Njord and Skadi and its coming a lot kind of slowly but I haven’t forgotten or put it completely aside so that is a good thing… though I have run into a small snag as far as having liquor at work… as that is where it shall be… but I’m working to get around it… its kind of funny that I’m trying to jump threw all of these hoops for this little thing when I won’t do it for so many other things. Most stuff concerning this will go in my other Journal but there will be the occasional thing in here so I thought it was worth mentioning.
My RPG
John and E and maybe Eleanor and I have tried to start another RPG based on D&D’s oriental adventures, it is moving slow but E has just gotten internet back and John and I have been only slatternly driven… but the good thing about this one is that we can drop it and pick it back up as time goes by since its just the 3 or 4 of us and we all know each other… its not like another public form where if we disappear we might be leaving a few people hanging and thus loose any characters and/or positions we might have… and I don’t’ want anyone to adopt my characters… and this way we don’t have to deal with godmoding morons *grin* I have brought back Killian as a blind Monk, and Ayala as a Fox Hengioki Wujin with an emphasis on changing and fire magic. John has a Samurai with bad luck and E a horse Hengioki wujin with mostly healing and supportive magic. So far E gets Killian (big surprise) and John gets Ayala, though who knows as time goes bay… it was so hard not to bring in Shon and/or Vinrin but we agreed that only two at first was best… but believe me when I say that Vinrin will be an NPC at least >.<
Oh as a random side note… I have started gaming a bit more actively… the FEAR series kicks all kinds of ass and has given me a new desire and appreciation for first person shooters that I never had before. Morowind is good so far but a bit slow starting so I shall have to keep playing before giving a better opinion or assessment on it.
I think that is it for this debriefing.. if you can call three pages brief… but I don’t think I have forgotten anything of extreme importance that I can’t mention in passing in later posts… hopefully I’ll stick with this try at regularity *flinch* my record isn’t very good but as they say when you fall off of a horse… kill it, eat it, get a new horse, and get back on!