(no subject)
The game begins with Hanzo’s player reading the game report, for a particular bit of meta, while Aliarra is having trouble finding the cider.
Aliarra: Oh here it is, it was sideways.
Aiden: Oh, sideways, her vision can’t see things that are sideways.
Aliarra: I know, I’m a very specialized predator.
Aiden: Her vision’s based on the vertical.
Drusila: It’s like a primitive image recognition system.
Aliarra: “UNABLE TO ANALYZE.”
Hanzo: Iglar!
Drusila: I like how we all fell silent when Iglar appeared.
Discussion turns towards the success of the recording of the previous session, despite the primitive microphone. Hanzo decides to avoid hell by way of being too horrible for it.
Hanzo: Why is a hanging garden artistic while a hanging black man is atrocious? I’m just saying.
The DM continues to roll treasure for the organ, while Hanzo calls out highlights of the game report.
Aliarra: Hanzo is the game report OF the game report.
Drusila: I don’t see why the cookie debacle was a debacle. She got to make cookies, she got to throw cookies at her enemies, and she got to eat the rest.
Aliarra: She didn’t eat the rest, she burned them in bitter disappointment.
Drusila: Why?
Aliarra: I believe because the rest of us were mocking her.
DM: “COMMONER FOOOOOOOD?!”
Drusila: No!
Aliarra: Yes! Who just listened to it?
Drusila: You made that up!
Aliarra: I did not! I - yeah, I went back and edited the audio file, perfectly imitating your voice, to make you look bad.
Drusila: That’s not my accent, I know it!
Aliarra: (after a moment) God bless the man who first put chocolate on pretzels.
Aiden reclaims the laptop from Hanzo and reads the relevant part of the game report to Drusila.
Aliarra: …and that’s when you destroyed the cookies in the fire bitterly.
Drusila: Okay, it’s coming back to me. Dammit, you feed them elven desserts once and they’re never eating cookies again!
The DM is still rolling treasure. Hanzo speculates.
Hanzo: Each of the pipes has a specialized treasure, like Galadriel’s mirror. “For you, Aliarra, a bigger boot size while kicking down doors! For you, Drusila, a Foreman grill for you to grill cookies. For you Aiden, a megaphone, so you can complain extra loud.”
Aliarra: Grill cookies, this organ is an idiot!
Aiden: That sounds delicious!
Aliarra: Cookie paninis, what?
Hanzo: On foccasia!
Aliarra: So you make a sandwich, and instead of bread you have really big cookies, and then you grill it…
Hanzo: Chipwich!
Drusila: And what’s inside the sandwich?
Aliarra: Uuhhhhhh….
Hanzo: Ice cream! You fry the ice cream and put it in the sandwich!
Aliarra: Well, since we’re going with the most delicious combination of things ever, steak and lobster.
Hanzo: Steak and lobster cookie sandwich.
Aliarra: Panini.
Hanzo: Panini. With adamantite chips.
Television quotes and a discussion on WoW ensue until the players notice the DM is ready.
DM: You sift through the wreckage.
Aliarra: Of us.
DM: Of the organ. In the wreckage you find 1000 gold pieces -
Drusila: Ooh, I’m writing this down.
Aliarra: You’re sharing, too.
Drusila: I’m a lawful good thief, I have to share.
DM: A black pearl…
Hanzo: Oooh.
Aliarra: All right! Fastest ship in the Carribean.
DM: A heavy shield that appears to be made out of mithril.and a wooden ring. With string around it.
The party spends a short time being baffled by this ring. Drusila throws it to no obvious effect except angering Aliarra. Aiden debates the merits of the shield. Drusila makes Aliarra carry something, just as the laptop makes an error noise.
Hanzo: Nya hah, she can’t carry it!
DM: “My inventory is full!”
Aliarra: Oh no, Blue Screen of Death! That’s what happens when your Haversack gets full…
Aiden: Blue Screen of Death?
Aliarra: No!
DM: Allow me to introdufe myself.
Aliarra: And in conclusion, (flicks everyone off).
Aiden takes the shield while Aliarra opens her cloak to reveal the smashed necklace.
Aliarra: I put my cloak back on! Oh not, it’s inherited the strangling property! Glaaaaaaaah - why would that happen?
DM: (looks meaningfully at Aliarra)
Aliarra: Stop that.
Aiden casts Detect Magic to search the pile of loot. The DM looks at the map.
DM: (quietly drawing way back in the kitchen) I forgot about that door…
Drusila: Wait where?
DM: In the kitchen.
Aliarra: Wh-hat the hell?
Hanzo: Roll a Search check?
Aliarra: The entire events of last game would have changed if we’d known that door was there.
DM: I was like, “How do they get over there - ooohhhhh shiiit.”
The wooden ring and the cold iron long sword both turn out to be magical. Drusila searches the organ room for secret doors. She finds none - but the DM hastily draws another door he’d forgotten on the map. By way of apology, so to speak, he demonstrates that it simply is a hallway leading to an established door. Drusila searches the hallway, finds nothing, and dubs it the Hall of Boredom. The group goes to another unexplored door nearby which had actually been on the map this entire time. Drusila actually finds a trap on this door, which she disarms. Aiden taunts Aliarra for letting Drusila open doors rather than kick them. Drusila finds yet another trap just inside, which she steals the alchemist’s fire out of.
Drusila: Did you plan that?
DM: No, that was the original trap.
Aiden: Can we go in your, Your Magnificence?
DML: As you enter the room you notice shattered glass all over the place. The strong smell of chemicals assaults your senses.
Drusila: Huh. Something was broken here recently. (long pause) Listen check?
Aiden: Why are you taking 10?
Drusila: Because it’s easier than rolling. And I don’t wanna get a 1, you guys will mock me.
Drusila searches the room and comes up with a wooden box from the fireplace!
Drusila: Is there a lock?
DM: No.
Hanzo: Detect evil DETECT EVIL!
Aliarra: Aww, I rolled shitty again.
DM: For some reason you can’t get it open.
Aliarra: I have a defective crowbar!
Aiden: In her anger she lifts up the box, shakes it like this --(referencing Secret of Mana) -- and throws it at the ground, and the box opens.
Drusila: NO NO NO! It contains delicate -
Hanzo: A Staff of the Magi!
Drusila: Boom, explodes!
Aliarra: I rolled a 17 that time.
DM: You open the box finally-
Hanzo: (dissolves into laughter)
Aliarra: You’re only rewarding the “take 10” theory, you realize.
DM: You open the box, and sift through the straw, and pushing it aside you find-
Aliarra: Anthrax.
DM: I need a Fortitude save from everybody now!
Aliarra: Oh god, I’m a carrier!
DM: Inside you find six bottles.
The party distributes the fortuitously-labeled potions. One of them is Haste, provoking several minutes of debate over its effects. Drusila heads back out down the hallway, only to have her keen ears detect something outside the door - an organic slithering!
Aliarra: Rust monsters.
Aiden: Slimes!
Hanzo: Evil pudding!
Aliarra and Drusila briefly argue over the magic cold iron longsword: Aliarra takes its bonus as +1 as a given, while Drusila insists it could be +2. Hanzo ninja-vanishes out to investigate. Drusila discovers she’s out of tea.
Aliarra: Tea is self-replenishing. It’s like Waterworld.
Drusila: (pause) NO it is not like Waterworld!
Alirra: The pause is what sold it.
Drusila: Dude, it was a Waterworld reference, I could take whatever pause I wanted.
Aiden: Who makes Waterworld references?
DM: (speaking over the players for possibly the first time ever) Looking out the door you see two creatures. They’re dripping wet from the pool. They look to be made out of living moss.
Aiden: “COOKIIIIIIES. CURSED FOOD.”
DM: They hold primitive tridents in their hand.
Hanzo: I’ll report back… I only saw two, there could’ve been more, I had caltrops in my eyes or something…
Aiden: They were in your way, you couldn’t see past these two…
Hanzo: Basically we can’t get out that way.
Again the PCs try the “lure them in” plan. Drusila takes out a pair of spoons and smacks them together to try to lure the creatures down the hall, while peering around the corner to k now when to run. A moss monsters hurls a trident at her which flies past, sticking in the wall.
Aliarra; Grab it!
Drusila: (raspberries)
DM: And another attack for the raspberry…
The group abandons the make-noise-lure-them-out plan for like the twentieth time.
Drusila: New plan! New plan, Drusila is going to leap and tumble across the pool!
Aliarra: That’s a horrible plan!
Aiden: That’s a horrible plan.
Drusila: Why.
Aliarra: First of all, tumbling reduces your movement by half, including for jumps!
Hanzo: You’ll end up in the drink.
Aiden: I just wanna see you go, “Wheeeee!” Attack of opportunity.
Drusila: It’s just a 15 foot jump, how hard could it be?
Aliarra: DC 30.
Drusila: While tumbling?
Aliarra: That’s while tumbling.
Aiden: Let’s see your Jump!
Drusila: ..wait a minute, I have a potion, I gotta have a potion for this…Shield, True Strike… Jack Sprat… Expeditious Retreat, how much does that increase it by - I have a potion of Jump!
Aiden: It’s not going to be enough! You’re just destroyed!
Aliarra: This accomplishes nothing! All it does is put you over there in a vulnerable position and then it leaves us still-
Aiden: The best position, if we want to split up, is for me to use my boots from here to get there. If we wanted to split up.
Drusila: Okay, you can use your boots and I can jump and we can use missile weapons from the other side.
Aiden: All I see - All I see happening during this jump is her getting to here, and then attack of opportunity! And the DM does this: (rolls dice) “Uh-oh!”
They argue this plan a bit more, along with Drusila’s jump modifiers. Drusila somehow ends up suggesting Hanzo ALSO jump across, provoking outcry. Hanzo complains. Aliarra looks at the map.
Aliarra: Which way does that door open?
DM: Inside.
Hanzo: You can… kick it off its hinges so it opens the other way! Like Marty McFly!
Aliarra: (moving her mini up) Peek?
DM: Tridents! Are you hiding?
Aliarra: I’m just peeking my head around - actually, no, I won’t even peek my head around. Helmet… on the end of the longsword… dangle dangle dangle!
Hanzo: You got three more eyeholes in your helmet!
Aliarra: As long as I don’t have three less eyes!
DM: Claaang!
Aliarra: Trident?
DM: No…
Aiden: “I use armor-sundering arrows!”
DM: It’s a shard of coral.
Mrrshala: Like throwing spikes.
Hanzo: Ninja moss-men?!
Aliarra: I’ll just get my guisarme here… (hooking the helmet and tugging it back to her, then making dangling motions again)
Drusila: Drusila’s getting tired of this!
DM: You hear: (groaning disgustedly, followed by the mossmen lighting a cigarette)
Drusila: Now because she’s not a smoker, Drusila’s going to drink the potion of Haste and the potion of Jump and go for it.
Drusila charges past Aliarra, leading to a number of jokes in which Aliarra is knocked into the line of fire and immediately impaled with a dozen thrown spikes. Drusila leaps.
Aliarra: I’d just like to go on the record as saying this is the worst plan we have ever conceived of as a group.
Aiden: And all of us just kinda watch this happen. “I’m tired of this, slurp sluuurp.”
Aliarra: In fairness I was busy dangle dangle!
DM: Right behind you, Aliarra, you hear: “MeeeeeEEOOOWWW!”
Aiden: Did you do Blur, too?
Drusila: Yes. …Did I?
DM: No you didn’t.
Aiden: You SHOULD have done Blur…
DM: Is there like… a roll for overdosing on potions.
Aliarra: Not any more…
Drusila succeeds both her Tumble and Jump checks, vaulting the pool to the ledge on the other side. As Aiden had predicted the entire time, a creature leaps out of the pool to intercept her, but fails due to her tumble check, Aiden uses his magic boots to teleport across and join her.
Aliarra: Ka-slam!
DM: You kick the door shut. Drusila, you watch in horror as the door shuts, leaving you behind with all three of them!
Drusila: Does Haste give her an extra action with her bow?
Aliarra: My suspicion would be that you didn’t make that jump with your bow out.
Drusila: Does she have another move action? Because she would really like to move.
The players actually look up the spell, disappointing Drusila. She attempts to move more, but doesn’t have another action.
Aliarra: You got away with what you wanted to get away with, don’t try for more. You’re not me. Lemme know when it’s my turn again.
Aiden: You’re not alone… ummm.
DM: I think it’s time to call for initiative.
Drusila: Thanks guys, me and my idiot plans…
Initiative is thrown down. Hanzo appears to go first.
Drusila: Why did you shut the door?!
Aliarra: I have a plan. Probably won’t work but apparently this is the time for dumb plans.
Hanzo, at Aliarra’s urging, whacks a hinge out of the door for his action.
Aliarra: All right! I’m smashing through the door BUT, rather than smashing it straight out, as I smash through it I’m grabbing it and swinging it to one side so it’s gonna be between me and this dude here,. I’m using it as an impromptu shield, yes.
A moment of silence.
Hanzo: Stunt die.
Aliarra: And I rolled a 22.
DM: Nice.
Drusila: If Drusila didn’t get a stunt die for what she did…
Aiden: This is not Exalted, as much you two have managed to turn it into…
DM: The door exploding from its frame, you hold it outward.
Aiden: Isn’t there a skill for improvisational weapons or stuff like that?
Drusila: There’s one for weapons but not for… shields.
Aliarra: If it gives me cover it gives me cover, that’s a plus four I didn’t have before.
Hanzo: But this Mossman has a preferred enemy of “door”.
Aliarra: WHY?!
Aiden: Giving it instant enrage!
DM: Mrrshala.
Aiden: (watching Aliarra move doors around on the map) She’s being retarded! Move the door out of the way!
Mrrshala holds for lack of a place to stand and attack, so next up is Drusila.
Drusila: What would I need to do to get a sneak attack on one of these things?
Aiden: Not be on that side of the pool, for starters!
But the mossmen are flat-footed because they haven’t acted yet in this combat. Drusila draws her bow and slays the one with Aliarra’s door between it and her.
Aliarra: Now why isn’t our bard singing?!
Aiden: We don’t have one.
Aliarra: You took that all seriously… You know technically you’re never able to make a character of that class in any D&D campaign ever?
Aiden: What?
Aliarra: Bard.
Aiden: Why?
Aliarra: Because the class is always “barred”.
A pause.
Aiden: UaaaaAAAAGH KILL HER.
Mrrshala: (pummels Aliarra)
Aliarra: Ow! Owww!
Aiden: That was a horrible joke!
Mrrshala: (pummels Aliarra)
Aiden: Smack her a couple more times!
Mrrshala: (pummels Aliarra)
Hanzo: Even for you that was pretty…
Drusila: That was - legendary.
The other players mock Aliarra for a while because her door plan has been spoiled by the creature’s death. Aliarra curses her lack of the Thicket of Blades stance as a Mossman takes a five foot step and stabs her with a trident. Aiden is attacked by one in the pool. Another pops up near Aliarra.
Aiden: I wish I had a fucking electric attack, I’d murder this dude in the pool.
Hanzo ponders his movement options, and the players discover that bizarrely, the base ninja class doesn’t have Tumble as a class skill. The DM swiftly house-rules it in. Hanzo fails to Tumble without provoking an AoO Aliarra uses Foehammer on the Mossman, then moves forward to Mrr can move into melee combat. Mrr rolls for an ability, then tries to figure out if she actually hit.
Mrrshala: 17, but their AC is the DC.
Hanzo: (giggling)
Aliarra: Did you make your Concentration check?
DM: Yes.
Hanzo: The AC/DC.
Mrrshala: It’s flatfooted.
Aliarra: Now that we’ve established your bread-and-butter bonus…
Hanzo: What else would BAB be?!
Aliarra: It could have been bed-and-breakfast!
Hanzo: Boob and butt! I have a plus 4 boob and butt bonus!
Drusila crits a Mossman on her turn. The mossmen take their turn, a pair of them leaping out of the pool to try to grapple Aiden and Mrr. Aiden clobbers one with his mace as an AoO like a whack-a-mole, taking it out. Mrr returns to the room and does the same to the other one. Aiden fires his crossbow at the last remaining one, slaying it.
Aiden: Search the bodies.
DM: You find moss.
Aliarra: Cast a Purify Water or two into the pool, see what you come up with.
Aiden: Huh, I’ve never actually gotten to cast that.
Aliarra: Yes you did, last time we found a giant pool that was murky!
Hanzo: Then you can use Sunbeam to turn it into a hot tub.
Drusila: Drusila will use a trident to poke around in the pool.
Aliarra: Hold up, he’s purifying it. Drusila, you investigate that fountain spout thing over there.
Drusila: Ooh, I forgot about that.
Aliarra: If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Harry Potter, it’s that fountains and spouts are suspicious. I mean… “Ye Potter of the Harryes, that fascinating tome that is contained within the Skeldric library!”
Aiden: I thought you said fill it with boiling hot oil, that makes a lot more sense?
Drusila takes off to take care of some long-forgotten water left to boil upstairs. The game sidetracks for a moment on superheated water and states of matter.
Aliarra: You know if you were smart you would have gone, “Oh, all out of zeroth level spells today, too bad I don’t have some way to get some more!”
Aiden: (pausing, then laughing) Aww man, that would be great! “I’m all out of zeroth level spells, it’s a PITY I don’t have any gloves that would give it to me!”
Hanzo: The gloves immediately try to smother you.
Aliarra: All right, that’s it, I’m getting rid of this one that gives me a shitty +4 untyped bonus for the one that shuts down attacks of opportunity, so while you’re purifying I’ll be praying for a minute.
Inexplicably this provokes ranting about the Death Star tractor beam and the two dudes in the laser tunnel. The DM tries to actually bring matters back on track. Aiden again tries to get his hands on the gloves.
DM: You see the glint of sliver in the pool.
Drusila: Somebody go down -
Aliarra: NOT IT.
Drusila - and get it not it. Does the potion of Jump still work?
Hanzo: Take your guisarme or trident and see if you can touch the bottom.
DM: Fifteen feet?
Aiden: I’ll jump in if I can clean the entire pool!
Aliarra: No, it’s not anywhere that long. See if you can find a plug.
Aiden: Lemme get the gloves and I can clean the whole pool! I’ll even stand next to you so you can grab the gloves off.
Hanzo: Wait, what rolls did you have to make to get them off?
Aliarra: I ripped them off!
DM: He failed a Will save.
Aiden: I’m using it for a single purpose this time! And last time I was able to get it off.
Hanzo: Put just one glove on.
Aiden: It only works in pairs!
Hanzo: It’s a part of a dead god, so it’s a part of a part of a dead god!
Aliarra: All right, I’m going to put my spiked gauntlet under the water and then, Bing! Crystal of Illumination, on, see if that makes it any better.
Aiden: Yeah - I have a higher Will than I did before, I can resist it, just let me clean the pool!
Hanzo: It’s like Spider-man removing the symbiote, you don’t wanna just try this out for the hell of it..
Hanzo gets sick of the arguing and swims down at last, but there’s too much silver to bring up readily. Aliarra points out a drain to him.
Hanzo: (grumbles)
Aliarra: He was never seen again.
Hanzo: Oh NOW the trash compacter monster shows up.
DM: You release the drain, you hear… (clogged drain noise)
Hanzo: Really.
Aiden: If we cleaned the water it -
Aliarra: WE’RE NOT GIVING YOU THE GLOVES, end of discussion!
Aiden: Just give them to me!
Aliarra: End of discussion!
Aiden: I keep wasting my zeroth level spells-
Hanzo: Someone come down here and unpluuuug it!
Aliarra: I’m not getting out of my plate, do you realize how long that would take? Here’s a crowbar!
Hanzo: Strength check.. with the crowbar! 19.
Aliarra: “Fucking DRAIN!” (making smashing motions)
DM: No, as you stick your hand in there it goes in easily, it’s just a bunch of nasty muck.
Hanzo: I’m keeping half of the silver for this inconvenience.
Drusila: You can have all of it.
Hanzo: Yeah, it’s worth like 10 gold.
Druisila: 600.
DM: The pool begins to drain,
Drusila: Drusila had rolled a 19 to investigate the lion’s head.
DM: On the roof of its mouth you find a switch.
Drusila: I push it.
Aliarra: It belches fire in your face.
Aiden: Water!
Drusila pulls the switch, but it’s jammed. Without a way to get to the inner mechanisms, the PCs futz with it for a bit, then give up. Hanzo discovers a pearl and a necklace amongst the silver. Then, off the PCs head to another unexplored area - not the mysterious kitchen door. This is one Aliarra had already stepped into but had never been drawn. Some of the audio was lost here; the gist is that the players found a mute sword-forging golem that responded only by nodding, shrugging, or shaking its head. They ask it if it servers Kalrath, which is shakes its head to. The DM calls for Knowledge (religion) checks!
Aliarra: Dah dah dah daaaaaawwwwwww, natural one.
DM: KALRATH HAS ONE NAME AND ONE NAME ONLY.
Drusila: You become a monotheist.
Aliarra: That was oddly specific.
Aiden: I check the book! I proceed to read off all different the names of Kalrath.
DM: I probably should have written this down…
Aiden: He nods to one of the names.
DM: Yes, he nods to one of the names.
Aliarra: BILL.
Aiden: Show him the gloves!
Aliarra: (gives Aiden a look)
Aiden: I’m not asking you to give it to me! I’m asking you to wave it in front of them, if there’s a part in him they’re gonna try to get to him.
Aliarra: …Your fancy, fancy words only cover the sentiment that lies deep within your heart.
The gloves have no meaning to the golem, though, and Aliarra refuses to put them on. Aiden continues to argue the point. They interrogate the golem some more, fruitlessly.
Drusila: Drusila’s gonna look around the walls for secret doors, trying not to touch anything or offend the creature.
Aiden: You have offended the creatrure.
Aliarra: “Trying not to offend me OFFENDS ME!”
Drusila: Oh well. To the kitchen!
Aliarra: We’ll be back. This thing has “I’m the artifact” written all over it. Does it literally have “I’m the artifact” written all over it?
Drusila: Ooh, Decipher Script to decipher the runes… aww, Decipher Shit.
Drusila listens at the kitchen door, rolls a natural 1, and starts hearing things. The other players mock her.
Aliarra: We burst in on the dragon having “adult time.” “Look out, it’s breathing fire! Wait… that’s not fire…”
Mrrshala and Aliarra: “…and that’s not breathing!”
Silence.
Aiden: Wow.
Silence.
Aiden: I had a friend who used to write like this.
Silence. The group discovers some sort of training room, and so split up to search, which yields a dagger. Then Drusila is all but forced into the next room before searching for traps. There are none, but she checks the hallways on the way forward nonetheless. No traps present themselves but Drusila does hear the whistle of air.
Drusila: What do I see beyond the wall?
Aliarra: The word you want is “Search”, followed by “check”, preceded by “I’m rolling a.”
Drusila: No, uh, I’m waiting for the DM to draw… okay, is there is a knob, Search - shut up Aliarra.
The secret door in the bricks open with a few Diagon Alley references, and the party now faces a lion’s-face statue. Just like the previous one, she finds a switch; pressing it reveals another secret passage!
Aliarra: Sagat on Jeopardy. Your categories are, “Large Cats,” “Animals that Start with T”, “Striped Creatures”…
Hanzo: “What is TIGER!?”
Aliarra: No, no. “This large cat has orange and black stripes.” “TIGER!!” “Oh I’m sorry, it has to be in the form of a question.”
Drusila: Drusila’s moving ahead and Searching, and she’s trying to move silently.
Aliarra: Hiding, Searching, Moving Silently, this’ll only take 30 minutes per square.
Drusila: Okay just Searching then…
Aiden: This is taking too long, with all this rogue shit. Can someone with high hit points just go forward so I could heal them? It’ll go faster.
DM: A portcullis stands in your way.
Aliarra: (looking at the odd drawing) And apparently Bomberman’s helmet.
Drusila finds no traps or triggers to the portcullis. Aliarra rolls a 23 to kick it down, which is inadequate. Realizing the mathematical implausibility of opening it, Aiden burns off a scroll of Knock to get through. Aliarra gets Drusila to search the square directly before the chest for traps - wisely, because there was in fact a pit trap which Drusila disables. Drusila searches the chest for traps.
Drusila: Is it locked?
Aliarra: It’s a mimic.
DM: Yes.
Aliarra: Yes it is a mimic.
Drusila: Mimics aren’t locked. 19… can I try again on Open Lock?
Aliarra: Yes, but it gets harder.
Drusila: 22.
DM: Saving throw, everybody standing in the doorway,
A spray of shards pelts everyone - harmlessly. Drusila leaps out of the way.
Drusila: She’s like held to the ceiling by claws… “Guys, somebody get me down!”
DM: Tail’s all puffy.
Mrrshala: Ceiling cat is watching you masturbate.
Aliarra: How did she know?
DM: You open it up and find quite a few items.
Aiden: Oh, it’s that gift we already have, crazy bullshit.
Aliarra: No, the DM would never do that because your complaining is too much fun.
DM: I actually rolled this, there is a gear-ssahm in there.
Aliarra: A what?
DM: A gearsarm.
Aliarra: A guisarme. I wasted my money buying this guisarme +1, apparently.
Hanzo: Dual-wield them,
DM: And a bastard sword,
Mrrshala: I wasted my money on this bastard sword, woo!
Aliarra: Way to invalidate all our purchases.
Drusila: Scimitar scimitar scimitar scimitar!
DM: And some bracers.
Aiden: Woo, bracers.
Aliarra: Bracers, AC no 0th level spells for you.
There’s also a cloak of Dexterity +2 which no one seems to want. Aliarra punches Aiden repeatedly, ostensibly to test if the bracers provide AC.Drusila searches and listens and all the rogue stuff. Aiden goes off on a rant about that. Aiden discovers the command word to the bracers and speaks it.
DM: As you reach out, your arm grows ten feet.
Aiden: That’s awesome.
Hanzo: It’s the bracers of Dhalsim. Oh shit, yeah, you’re like Mr. Fantastic.
Aiden: I can heal from a distance now!
On the group moves to the next unexplored area -a library.
Drusila: Search for cookbooks!
Aiden: Aiden’s higer agility allows him to search for them a little faster, quickly grabbing them… and burning them instantly. “DON’T NEED THESE!”
Aliarra: “Don’t give me gloves, will you?
Aiden: The next book I find: “Look at this! A book on awesome guisarme techniques! Gives a… uh, whatever your class is, plus two extra… maneuvers, uh, and special things - BURN! We don’t need that! It had magical properties that’d make you evil!”
DM: Smelled like gloves.
Aiden: “Hey guys, I found some treasure here, it looks like a pretty cool guisarme, but I went ahead and cast ‘Destroy Item’ on it because we don’t need it!”
Aliarra: You know, I’m gonna go to the magic items guild - you know, like the wizard’s college, and I’m gonna say, I want a pair of gloves, that just has a delusion effect on them. They have to do two things, make you believe they’ve merged into your skin and he has to believe you can cast 0th level spells at will. That’s all I want, then I’m gonna give them to him, he’ll be all “I’ve got these gloves!”, it’ll be like the frickin’ Emperor’s New Clothes… “Purify Water, yeah the water’s purified,” we all say it is just to shut him up.
Aiden: Then I proceed to use them and go, “Wait a minute, there’s no awesome voice in my head telling me what to do.”
DM: As you come up to the library the smell of musty, moldy books wafts to your noses.
Aliarra: All right, search for valuable shit.
Drusila: I rolled a 25.
Aiden: I rolled an 18 on searching for books of usefulness.
Aliarra: I rolled a 13. ‘Cuz I suck.
DM: You find… absolutely nothing. YOU’RE WORTHLESS AT SEARCHING.
Aliarra: Yeah.
Aiden: “Duh, let’s go look at da door!”
Aliarra: You say that, but if any of these books provoke an attack of opportunity, I’ll show you my value.
DM: Drusila, you find what seems to be a… more… newer book.
Aliarra: A more newer book,
DM: A more newer book, perfect English right there.
The book is actually a journal. Aiden tries to use Gather Information on it, provoking Aliarra to hysterics. It’s also written in Banglasharan.
Hanzo: A Banglasharan who doesn’t speak Banglasharan?
Drusila: He’s not a Banglasharan, I’m a Banglasharan.
Aliarra: I’m not Banglasharan, I just speak it!
Aiden: You live with them.
Aiiarra: No, I’m an honorary tribe member.
Aiden: That doesn’t speak Banglasharan?
Aliarra: I DO speak Banglasharan!
Aiden: Then why are we having an argument?!
Aliarra: I don’t know!
DM: In Banglasharan!
Aliarra; But he doesn’t SPEAK it!
DM: I know, it’s a one-sided argument.
Skimming through the journal, they find it to be an archeological log, very recent. The last entry dates from only a few days ago, and speaks of finding “it”, along with a wondrous item that controls the golem. Drusila runs off and attempts to use the large wooden ring they located earlier as a steering wheel. Unsurprisingly it does nothing. Aliarra kicks open the door.
DM: Reflex saving throw.
Aliarra: This is why Drusila had me do it.
DM: A similar spike trap to before.
Aliarra: I kick it down.
Aiden: “I’m not using Reflex! I want to use Strength!”
Aliarra: No, here’s what happened: I kick down the door, step forward, I’m standing on the door so the spikes are hitting the bottom of it. “Hey guys, spikes.”
Drusila disables the trap and the group looks down a hallway. Aliarra kicks the door down the hallway so it’ll set off any other traps, but her choice of words confuses everyone. They open the next door, finding a room fulls of bones of various shapes and species. The DM draws a coffin.
Aliarra: Aww, crap, whatever’s in there we ram a wooden stake through its heart NOW.
Drusila: Do we have wooden stakes?
Aliarra: I have torches.
Aiden: Pling pling - “Ha ha!” You see a little girl in there… just a normal little girl, blood spewing out… “whhhyyy…?” Alignment SHIFT. Evil. Chaotic. INSTANT. We just watch your aura shift. “My detect evil’s going crazy!”
Aliarra: Aaaah, you guys are next.
Drusila: To quote the Men in Black, what’s a little girl doing in there?
Naturally, the pile of bones erupts in a monster that attempts to maul Drusila, who leaps away like… a frightened cat. The DM puts down a mini for it.
Aliarra: Oh god it’s the double-axe skeleton, we can’t beat that.
DM: This looks like a ghoul, except it has a long tongue that ends in barbs.
Aiden: A licker!? You son of a…
Hanzo: Licker?! Is its brain exposed?
Aliarra: Licker? Damn near killed her!
Hanzo: Should we just kill it?
DM: Initiative!
Hanzo: Okay, yes.
Initiative rolls ensue, as does the Inspector Gadget theme for no discernable reason whatsoever, which segues into the lack of direct relations in cartoons, particularly Disney, and thence to where the hell Epic Mickey is. Honestly, people, this is the sort of thing audio recording preserves that otherwise would’ve been lost to all time. I’m devoting valuable megabytes of - someone just walked through a threatened space, back to the game report! Drusila gets an AoO, but had no weapon drawn to take it. Mrr reminders her that she’s a Banglasharan, she has claws! Drusila rolls a natural one.
Aiden: And you break your hand!
Aliarra: You drop your claws.
Drusila: Declawed, nooo!
Aiden: I don’t have Regeneration yet.
DM: It raises its hands and grabs on to you, dealing seven points of damage. It lashes its tongue at you.
Drusila succeeds on a Fort save to not have bad things happen. Hanzo shakes a die for like five minutes before missing.
Aliarra: Hey, I actually get a charge attack on this guy, I’m not encumbered by difficult terrain.
Aiden: A coffin -- (dissolving into laughter) --is difficult terrain! I don’t understand this!
Aliarra charge-smashes and gives Drusila a five-foot step with her maneuver, then sets her initiative to one lower than it was to attack again, but misses this time. A horrible joke leads Aiden to briefly join the other side.
Drusila: Is Aliarra using the new glaive or the old glaive?
Aliarra: I’m using my guisarme that I know what it does.
Drusila: Okay.
Hanzo: Glaive-guisarme.
Aliarra: No!
Hanzo: Guisarme-glaive-guisarme? Guisarme-guisarme?
Aliarra: Guisarme-guisarme-guisarme-guisarme-glaive-guisarme?
Mrrshala misses, leaving Drusila to go!
Drusila: What’s the penalty of using a glaive if you’re a rogue?
Aliarra: Nonproficient… -4?
Drusila: Drusila is pretty mad at the guy who just tried to lick her, so she’s going to snatch the new glaive from Aliarra, who;’s standing next to her, and try to whap this thing… all right, that’s probably 12, no.
The creature moves and gets AoOs against it - but has Mobility, giving it a bonus to AC against AoOs. Aliarra makes another horrible joke. The creature attacks her for damage and another Fort save.
Aliarra: Mmm… one. I reroll it. (scooping up the die and tossing it again) Twenty. (A pause.) Thank you, one crusader power!
Aiden: I knew there had to be a power involved, Aliarra wouldn’t just do that. I would…
Aliarra: Yeah, like once a day I can reroll a failed saving throw.
DM: You save!
Hanzo strikes it cleanly. Aliarra also strikes it, healing herself in the process. Aiden does his spiritual wave of positive energy. Mrrshala hits it with a maneuver; Drusila tosses the glaive aside and hauls out her whip again to trip it. She fails and drops the whip to avoid the countertrip.
Hanzo: Back to the guisarme.
The licker attacks Mrr, who saves, to the DM’s increasing annoyance. Hanzo slays it with his martial arts weapon.
Aliarra: It may not be dead, but at least you’ve beaten it into a kama.
Mrrshala: (pimp-slaps Aliarra)
Drusila: Drusila pries open the coffee! Coffin…
DM: Inside you see gold glinting!
Aiden: No one will suspect there’s gold in this coffin! They’ll think it’s a monk-vampire, mah mah mah!
Drusila and Hanzo search the bone piles, and Mrrshala pitches in as well, but they come up with nothing.
Aliarra: All right, next door, let’s go!
DM: Also in the coffin, you find-
Aliarra: Never mind, loot!
DM: A tricorner.
Aliarra: Here, Mrr, try it on.
Hanzo: Spock, what does it say?
Aliarra: Not a tricorder!
Hanzo: Readings are abnormal…
DM: It’s a Hat of Disguise.
Aliarra: I already knew that, you didn’t need to say.
Mrr: What do I need this for? Here, you try it on.
Drusila: Yay! Disguse kits: Pfft! (making a tossing motion)
DM: “You stupid piece of shit!”
Drusila: Goodbye, 8 pounds of encumbrance!
Aliarra: That’s why we had a pony! I guess we don’t need the pony any more now that you’ve lost 8 pounds of encumbrance! So long, Custard Pie, time to live up to your name!
Drusila: NOOOOOOO! The pony is not an ingredient!
Aiden: Look, every time someone mentions the word “pony” and “eat” I think of the movie Postman, and I don’t like to think of that movie! So stop mentioning pony and the word eat.
Aliarra: Custard Pie is gonna get rendered…
Mrrshala: You’re horrible.
Drusila: What is our routine?
Aliarra: Listen at the door, search the door! Unlock the door!
The group finds stairs behind the door, and the DM reluctantly wipes clean the entire dungeon. A brief pause ensues as they experiment with alcohol and cleaning supplies to remove marker stains, but discover that these things also remove the markings on the map itself! The DM draws a very large room at last.
DM: Dead center, standing on top of the ceiling-
Drusila: What?!
DM: -is a Banglasharan.
Drusila: Standing on the ceiling?!
It’s the archeologist from the journal, who furiously engages them in combat after negotiation and intimidation both inevitably fail, since the boots this Banglasharan is wearing are the boots of the fallen god. He produces several scrolls with which to smite them as initiative is rolled. The Banglasharan skips around the ceiling at 40’ moves while Aliarra can barely do that on a double, so she quaffs a potion of Enlarge while Aiden uses a wand on Mrr. The Banglasharan drops a fireball on almost everyone. The fight is mostly a nickel-and-dime of ranged weapons and gross ineffectiveness on all sides… until a lucky roll trips him out of his boots, after which he falls to the floor and the threat is negated. The session hurriedly ends, having run like half an hour over… before Aiden can steal the boots and run.