umm....
ummm...yeah... I was going to post on here last night, but by the time i got around to it I had a splitting headache and my thoughts weren't organized.
Yesterday ended up better than i even expected. It wasn't the best, obviously, but it was better. I'm still very very upset with myself for everything i have done, but i'm trying to deal with it. I know that it will take time and that this wont happen over night, thought i wish it could happen over night. I only have myself to blame though. i let everything get this bad. I should have changed months ago, not now. But at least i still have the chance, and even though the person who believed in me the most is doubting my ability to change, they are at least holding on. Well the person who believed in me the most was my girlfriend. But i am the one who screwed it all up. She is right i should have changed. But there's not much that can be done with shoulda-coulda-woulda's so all i can do at this point is keep plugging away.
I want to prove even myself wrong that i can change. Yesterday i had my first breaking point, and i never really have gone past my first breaking point. I have always generally given up. But just as I was about to give up i pretty much punched myself in the face and told myself to man up for once and push on. And i did. I feel good about being able to push myself beyond that limit. I am sick of walking away and giving up. I am truly fighting for what i believe in and what i want. And i believe i can change and i want to change and i don't want to lose my girlfriend or give up on her.
A few people asked me if i really wanted to stay with my girlfriend. They asked me that and said to think about it. And i did think about it long and hard. I have concluded that even though things are rough and she's got her issues that she has to deal with and she's not a perfect person (but nobody is honestly a perfect person) that i truly do love her and i am in love with her and i do want to stay with her. Yes i said she isn't perfect, but that is only because nobody is perfect. However in my eyes she's everything and more that i've ever wanted. I used to dream about having a woman exactly like her. And now that i've met her i have realized she is better than anything i could ever dream up.
Yes we got into feuds and feng shue'd each other a few times, but that was all my fault. I pushed her too far and caused her to do the things she's done. I hate myself for doing that. I hope that one day she'll be able to forgive me and my actions, though.
ARGH!!!! damn browser crashed...grrr....i had a lot more typed....ugh....now i lost my train of thought......
Ok...I can't forgive myself right now for anything I've done. And to be honest i don't want to be able to for a while. I want to use this pain and these feelings of deep remorse to fuel me. I know i have great potential and i want to show everybody that i have it and that i am not the person i have been.
Gertie did call me yesterday. I know she's still not given up on me because she is still talking to me. And i know she's very hurt to say the least. I don't blame her for feeling the way she does, and i can't blame her because i put her in this position to have the feelings she does now. But she hasn't given up one me. i've lost a lot of privileges because of my actions and i know i have to deal with it for now because they are the consequences to my acitons. And i know that my consequences could and should be much worse, but i am very very very grateful that they are only this much right now.
I do thank her for not giving up on me and for calling me last night and for having the conversation with me as long as she did on the phone and through text. She is a very wise person and has a great deal of knowledge to share and i want to hear what she has to share.
I notice i am rambling on. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. But i guess it is because i'm getting all these feelings out even though i know most people aren't even going to be able to see this. But at least now i have a record of it and i can look back at these past few entries at any time and be able to reflect on them and use them to help better myself.
I am going to wrap this up for now. I have to finish applying to places for the day and then go take care of a few things and track down my girlfriend's old car for her. I'll be back on later to write more.
Yesterday ended up better than i even expected. It wasn't the best, obviously, but it was better. I'm still very very upset with myself for everything i have done, but i'm trying to deal with it. I know that it will take time and that this wont happen over night, thought i wish it could happen over night. I only have myself to blame though. i let everything get this bad. I should have changed months ago, not now. But at least i still have the chance, and even though the person who believed in me the most is doubting my ability to change, they are at least holding on. Well the person who believed in me the most was my girlfriend. But i am the one who screwed it all up. She is right i should have changed. But there's not much that can be done with shoulda-coulda-woulda's so all i can do at this point is keep plugging away.
I want to prove even myself wrong that i can change. Yesterday i had my first breaking point, and i never really have gone past my first breaking point. I have always generally given up. But just as I was about to give up i pretty much punched myself in the face and told myself to man up for once and push on. And i did. I feel good about being able to push myself beyond that limit. I am sick of walking away and giving up. I am truly fighting for what i believe in and what i want. And i believe i can change and i want to change and i don't want to lose my girlfriend or give up on her.
A few people asked me if i really wanted to stay with my girlfriend. They asked me that and said to think about it. And i did think about it long and hard. I have concluded that even though things are rough and she's got her issues that she has to deal with and she's not a perfect person (but nobody is honestly a perfect person) that i truly do love her and i am in love with her and i do want to stay with her. Yes i said she isn't perfect, but that is only because nobody is perfect. However in my eyes she's everything and more that i've ever wanted. I used to dream about having a woman exactly like her. And now that i've met her i have realized she is better than anything i could ever dream up.
Yes we got into feuds and feng shue'd each other a few times, but that was all my fault. I pushed her too far and caused her to do the things she's done. I hate myself for doing that. I hope that one day she'll be able to forgive me and my actions, though.
ARGH!!!! damn browser crashed...grrr....i had a lot more typed....ugh....now i lost my train of thought......
Ok...I can't forgive myself right now for anything I've done. And to be honest i don't want to be able to for a while. I want to use this pain and these feelings of deep remorse to fuel me. I know i have great potential and i want to show everybody that i have it and that i am not the person i have been.
Gertie did call me yesterday. I know she's still not given up on me because she is still talking to me. And i know she's very hurt to say the least. I don't blame her for feeling the way she does, and i can't blame her because i put her in this position to have the feelings she does now. But she hasn't given up one me. i've lost a lot of privileges because of my actions and i know i have to deal with it for now because they are the consequences to my acitons. And i know that my consequences could and should be much worse, but i am very very very grateful that they are only this much right now.
I do thank her for not giving up on me and for calling me last night and for having the conversation with me as long as she did on the phone and through text. She is a very wise person and has a great deal of knowledge to share and i want to hear what she has to share.
I notice i am rambling on. I don't know if that is a good thing or not. But i guess it is because i'm getting all these feelings out even though i know most people aren't even going to be able to see this. But at least now i have a record of it and i can look back at these past few entries at any time and be able to reflect on them and use them to help better myself.
I am going to wrap this up for now. I have to finish applying to places for the day and then go take care of a few things and track down my girlfriend's old car for her. I'll be back on later to write more.