Neurotically Yours - ch 3
Fandom: Harry Potter
Summery: What if everything in Harry’s life ended up making the boy savior a bit more then slightly insane? What could have happened with a wizard as power as him running around not being right in the head. Would he be another dark lord? A light wizard?
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter and as all you would get by suing me is a handful of pocket lint you can wisely assume I’m making nothing from this either… Also don’t own Foamy and anything you see that reminds you of it doesn’t belong to me as well…
It was his station in life to be there for his aunt, uncle, cousin, and now Draco. It was all he had ever known and now that had been taken from him. But no maybe Dudley and Draco still needed him. He had helped them down that trap door after all, so… he cut his thoughts off as one very important thing struck him his uncle and aunt told Dudley everything, but when he had told Dudley about what he had heard his cousin didn't say a thing. Harry hunched over maybe Draco then? But no he didn't believe that either as Dudley seemed to share everything with the blond. The room around him was quite enough to hear a hairpin drop as he pulled as the laces on his shoes and suddenly realized that he wasn't needed anymore. His family didn't need him so they had abandoned him just as they had always said they would, they had left him to die.
He could feel his world falling to pieces around him and only Dumbledore's voice caused him to lift his head his slightly glazed green eyes meeting the other's gaze. He blinked at him a couple time when the other questioned what was wrong before offering him a "This is the last thing I expected to hear you say." In an oddly calm voice. In truth his mind was blanking and shutting down rather quickly the great darkness that was creeping up on him in the sudden absence of purpose was as intimidating as an ancient Egyptian obelisk. The older man offered him another warm smile and it only made his insides all the more cold. This man had taken him away from his purpose, his lot in life, and he was happy about it too.
The door behind him opened and Harry turned his head enough to where he could see who had come in. The chill settled in more deeply and the crack widened more when he spotted Professor Snape, he had never been nice before surely this would only make him even less so. Instead when he caught that obsidian gaze he found it to be almost comforting. It seemed to reflect the broken chill he felt inside himself and while he wasn't sure how he just suddenly knew that the potions master had suffered much in his life but he did. Still he didn't say anything and instead turned his gaze back to the Headmaster waiting to see what he had planned.
To say he was stunned when the elderly man told him quite happily that he would be staying with Severus over the summer wouldn't even be close. While he did feel that odd sort of comfort in the professor's gaze it wasn't enough, surely Dumbledore had to know that Snape didn't like him. Surely he knew that! Right?
He hunched lower when Severus asked just that. While it hurt to hear that he was unwanted it wasn't any worse then the pain from his family no longer needing him. He swallowed hard and met Dumbledore's gaze hoping he would suddenly say that it was all some joke, but instead he just smiled that smile that Harry was quickly growing to hate and said that he was sure they would be fine. He almost wished that Snape would argue with him, but he didn't and instead just met his gaze for what seemed like a very long moment and yet couldn't have lasted more then a second offering him a sneered "Come on then" before turning and heading out the door his wand flicking at Harry's trunk causing it to follow him.
Harry couldn't even look at the Headmaster as he pulled himself up and followed the potions professor out of the office and down the hall ways his shoulders still hunched, head lowered, and gaze on the floor just high enough to be able to follow the older man. The farther into the depths of the school they went the colder the air seemed to get, but Harry didn't feel it as he was already so cold from his sudden change in station. He stopped blinking at Snape's back when he realized the other was stopped before what seemed a blank space of wall the same as any other.
After a mumbled password he was following the professor inside, unable to help himself as he picked up his gaze enough to look around. It wasn't a very large place, but he didn't mind it actually made him feel a bit better in truth. The main room appeared to be little more then a square room with four doors leading off from it. The door in front of and to his left were closed tight, but the one off to the right was open and he could tell even from here that it wasn't a large room either and looked to be a bedroom even.
The corner between the two closed door held a small square table with what looked to be a fruit bowl on it. The opposite corner held a couch that face the wall to his right where there was a fireplace, but it didn't seem to do much if anything to brighten the rather drab room. The walls were bear stone, the furniture dull shades of brown, and the doors were faded black in truth a very dark place but it, like Snape's gaze, oddly made him feel slightly ore comfortable though this he understood: it reminded him of his cupboard. If his family didn't need him obviously he had been a bad boy and since he /couldn't/ go to his cupboard this was a rather nice substitute actually.
Snape shortly led him to the open door telling him that it was his. Once glace at it and Harry's eyes widened: he loved it. Apparently the professor mistook his silence though because he was soon telling him that he was sorry it wasn't what he was used too, but that he would have to get used to it because it was where he would be staying all summer. Harry quickly shook his head meeting the older man's gaze "It's perfect." He informed him part of the chill in his body lifting with the comfort he found in that gaze and his new surroundings. Snape seemed to consider something for a moment before he spoke again telling Harry that he wasn't to be disturbed for any reason, that if he was hungry Snape didn't care they would eat at meals and not any time else, and that Harry wasn't allowed to leave these rooms without Snape or at least his permission.
Harry swallowed hard once more blinking at the older man. While the chill seemed to be leaving at the familiarity of the words it also sent more cracks though his world. Snape didn't need him and yet he was punishing him for being a bad boy. Snape didn't need him but he would still let Harry eat. Snape didn't need him and yet he would apparently be taking care of him. If Snape was willing to do all that even if he didn't need or want him did that mean his family had never really needed him at all? Suddenly he felt like he couldn't breath and he needed to get away. Dropping his gaze he offered Snape a "Thank you Sir." Before moving to his bed and sitting down on the edge to stair a wall.
Severus had thought it would be harder to have Harry living with him, but as the days passed and he rarely saw the boy he found that at times he could almost forget he was even there. When he did remember him though he never found it hard to locate the boy he was usually in his room, on his bed, staring at a wall as he had been that first day. He knew the boy must have done some work at some point because where were books on the desk in the small room he had given the boy, but he had never seen it himself.
It was near the end of June that he finally started to get some idea of what might be wrong with the boy. He had received an owl at breakfast an hour before and while Severus hadn't thought much about it at the time a sudden loud crack and an exclaimed "Oh wow. I can't believe I forgot about that. I'm really sorry Dudley." Sent him to the small room just as Harry feel to his knees tears running down his face in what was really a rather pathetic display. Or at least that was what the voice in his head that sounded like his muggle father informed him. He quickly pushed the voice away and instead decided if he didn't at least try and solve what ever this was Dumbledore would only make things worse for him so he decided he had better try.
He didn't get any father then the boy's name before he was told to "Leave me alone." That hadn't ever stopped Severus though so he of course started again earning him a sharp spike in Harry's magic and a dull "I said leave me alone." Severus though wasn't one to head good advice when he hears it and before he could get out more then Harry's name one more he found himself tossed into a wall with a yelled "What part of 'Leave me alone' did you not understand?" Deciding to retreat for now due to the ache building in his head Severus retired to his private lap to get something for his head and work on a potion or two while he tried to clear his mind and think.
It was nearly a week later when Severus had had enough. The boy had been barely eating and hadn't left his room except for meals which after some thought he realized it was what he had been doing all Summer and Severus decided it was time to find out why. Maybe if he could figure this out Dumbledore would find someone else to look after the boy. That in mind he made his way to Harry's room not long before breakfast rather surprised to find Harry awake, dressed, and once more staring at the wall. With a growl he made his way to the boy placing himself between the bed and the wall forcing Harry to see him "What do you think you are doing?"
Harry blinked up at Snape offering him a blank and broken look, one that had shattered worse in the last week then it had been fixed by the comfort offered by Snape's rules and his living arrangements "Nothing."
It was such a cold sounding voice, one that shouldn't belong to any child, Severus couldn't help but snap at it "Nothing is right. So you don't live with the Muggles now you should be pleased you ungrateful.."
"What? You expected me to break into song and dance right away? Recovery is a delicate matter!" Harry cut in his tone as cold and dead as before making the words seem almost obscene in some odd sort of way "They were all I had, all I knew. Do you expect me to leave them and just be happy being here with you? Your just like me I can see. How can /you/ just expect me to get better! If that is what you think then why can't you get better too? What is the difference between me and you!" yes Harry was yelling, but the sudden words had sent new cracks though him breaking his little world even farther.
"What is the difference between you and me? I'll tell you what that is! You're a little boy, and I'm a grown man. I don't need you trying to pick apart my life like you think you have some right to just because you live here. I have been just fine without you and will be again." Severus hadn't meant to yell it really was just a bit of a touchy subject.
"And I have been just fine with my life. I made sure my family was happy and it was enough for me. I made their food, cleaned the house, and did Dudley's schoolwork. I knew when I was a bad boy I had to go to my cupboard, but I didn't mind. If my family wasn't happy it had to be my fault so I needed to be punished. I didn't mind though because they needed me and that was all I needed." Harry's broken gaze meet Snape's at that point before he continued "They don't need me now though and I don't know if they ever did. You don't need me, but you are just like them. I've been bad so I have to stay in here, I'm lucky to be alive as I only eat when you let me, I don't matter so you're the one gets to decide what I do and when."
Severus's mind was running quickly at everything Harry had said, the words cut him rather deeply as he realized that hearing it like that he almost sounded like his father. Still the way Harry said it, it was like he expected this wanted it even and it oddly made things seem somehow better; maybe he could use this. If Harry wanted to be 'needed' he could try and help him with that at least. He allowed the silence to pass for several long moments before finally speaking again "I was going to wait, but if you are so eager to help starting after breakfast you will be helping me prepare potion ingredients." He informed the boy making a point to make it sound as if that had been the plan all along.
Harry blinked slowly before a sort of small and twisted smile found his face as he nodded. So Severus did need him then. He could fell the chill that had been engulfing him again over the past week lightening again at that. He /was/ need it was why he was here.
The next few weeks passed in an odd sort of haze for both males as Severus grew used to the fact that he rather liked this side of Harry and Harry growing used to the new things he needed to do in order to keep Severus happy. He might have disappointed his family, but he wouldn't disappoint Severus. He wouldn't!
As things were starting be normal in Harry's world he was summoned to Dumbledore's office; The sorting feast would be tonight not that Harry cared. He had his room with Severus and was learning how to keep him happy, that was what mattered. Dumbledore shattered his world again though informing Harry with that smile of his that his roommates would be back tonight and he was moving back with them. Wasn't that great? No, Harry thought, it wasn't.
HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPPHP
Author’s Note: Ok I realize Harry might be latching onto Snape rather fast for some, but he was quite suddenly torn away from his stable world and told he was a wizard, then when he is finally ready to get back to that stability it is ripped away quite completely and he is shoved at this man who in his hatred of him treats Harry the way Harry thinks he should be. It gives him some of that stability back and he latches onto that, but the letter from Dudley breaks it up again some. When Snape offered him something to do that made him seem like he was needed it was all Harry needed for his Stockhold Syndrome to let him become ‘attached’ to Snape. It is why at that point he becomes ‘Severus’ instead of ‘Snape’. ‘Snape’ is his professor, but ‘Severus’ is this man who needs him. Also: yes, Severus is going to try and use this to his advantage; no, Dudley didn’t know about the Harry being given to Dumbledore bit and so neither did Draco; and yes, Dudley will be coming back. That is all I’m going to say on that for now though.
Author’s Note 2: If you can’t tell there isn’t going to be much physical dialogue in this fic as most of it is told in Harry’s PoV though his thoughts as we are basically watching him break down and be fixed over and over, but there are some other PoVs tossed in and a bit of speaking. I’m just making sure to point this out now to explain in case anyone is wondering.
Summery: What if everything in Harry’s life ended up making the boy savior a bit more then slightly insane? What could have happened with a wizard as power as him running around not being right in the head. Would he be another dark lord? A light wizard?
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter and as all you would get by suing me is a handful of pocket lint you can wisely assume I’m making nothing from this either… Also don’t own Foamy and anything you see that reminds you of it doesn’t belong to me as well…
It was his station in life to be there for his aunt, uncle, cousin, and now Draco. It was all he had ever known and now that had been taken from him. But no maybe Dudley and Draco still needed him. He had helped them down that trap door after all, so… he cut his thoughts off as one very important thing struck him his uncle and aunt told Dudley everything, but when he had told Dudley about what he had heard his cousin didn't say a thing. Harry hunched over maybe Draco then? But no he didn't believe that either as Dudley seemed to share everything with the blond. The room around him was quite enough to hear a hairpin drop as he pulled as the laces on his shoes and suddenly realized that he wasn't needed anymore. His family didn't need him so they had abandoned him just as they had always said they would, they had left him to die.
He could feel his world falling to pieces around him and only Dumbledore's voice caused him to lift his head his slightly glazed green eyes meeting the other's gaze. He blinked at him a couple time when the other questioned what was wrong before offering him a "This is the last thing I expected to hear you say." In an oddly calm voice. In truth his mind was blanking and shutting down rather quickly the great darkness that was creeping up on him in the sudden absence of purpose was as intimidating as an ancient Egyptian obelisk. The older man offered him another warm smile and it only made his insides all the more cold. This man had taken him away from his purpose, his lot in life, and he was happy about it too.
The door behind him opened and Harry turned his head enough to where he could see who had come in. The chill settled in more deeply and the crack widened more when he spotted Professor Snape, he had never been nice before surely this would only make him even less so. Instead when he caught that obsidian gaze he found it to be almost comforting. It seemed to reflect the broken chill he felt inside himself and while he wasn't sure how he just suddenly knew that the potions master had suffered much in his life but he did. Still he didn't say anything and instead turned his gaze back to the Headmaster waiting to see what he had planned.
To say he was stunned when the elderly man told him quite happily that he would be staying with Severus over the summer wouldn't even be close. While he did feel that odd sort of comfort in the professor's gaze it wasn't enough, surely Dumbledore had to know that Snape didn't like him. Surely he knew that! Right?
He hunched lower when Severus asked just that. While it hurt to hear that he was unwanted it wasn't any worse then the pain from his family no longer needing him. He swallowed hard and met Dumbledore's gaze hoping he would suddenly say that it was all some joke, but instead he just smiled that smile that Harry was quickly growing to hate and said that he was sure they would be fine. He almost wished that Snape would argue with him, but he didn't and instead just met his gaze for what seemed like a very long moment and yet couldn't have lasted more then a second offering him a sneered "Come on then" before turning and heading out the door his wand flicking at Harry's trunk causing it to follow him.
Harry couldn't even look at the Headmaster as he pulled himself up and followed the potions professor out of the office and down the hall ways his shoulders still hunched, head lowered, and gaze on the floor just high enough to be able to follow the older man. The farther into the depths of the school they went the colder the air seemed to get, but Harry didn't feel it as he was already so cold from his sudden change in station. He stopped blinking at Snape's back when he realized the other was stopped before what seemed a blank space of wall the same as any other.
After a mumbled password he was following the professor inside, unable to help himself as he picked up his gaze enough to look around. It wasn't a very large place, but he didn't mind it actually made him feel a bit better in truth. The main room appeared to be little more then a square room with four doors leading off from it. The door in front of and to his left were closed tight, but the one off to the right was open and he could tell even from here that it wasn't a large room either and looked to be a bedroom even.
The corner between the two closed door held a small square table with what looked to be a fruit bowl on it. The opposite corner held a couch that face the wall to his right where there was a fireplace, but it didn't seem to do much if anything to brighten the rather drab room. The walls were bear stone, the furniture dull shades of brown, and the doors were faded black in truth a very dark place but it, like Snape's gaze, oddly made him feel slightly ore comfortable though this he understood: it reminded him of his cupboard. If his family didn't need him obviously he had been a bad boy and since he /couldn't/ go to his cupboard this was a rather nice substitute actually.
Snape shortly led him to the open door telling him that it was his. Once glace at it and Harry's eyes widened: he loved it. Apparently the professor mistook his silence though because he was soon telling him that he was sorry it wasn't what he was used too, but that he would have to get used to it because it was where he would be staying all summer. Harry quickly shook his head meeting the older man's gaze "It's perfect." He informed him part of the chill in his body lifting with the comfort he found in that gaze and his new surroundings. Snape seemed to consider something for a moment before he spoke again telling Harry that he wasn't to be disturbed for any reason, that if he was hungry Snape didn't care they would eat at meals and not any time else, and that Harry wasn't allowed to leave these rooms without Snape or at least his permission.
Harry swallowed hard once more blinking at the older man. While the chill seemed to be leaving at the familiarity of the words it also sent more cracks though his world. Snape didn't need him and yet he was punishing him for being a bad boy. Snape didn't need him but he would still let Harry eat. Snape didn't need him and yet he would apparently be taking care of him. If Snape was willing to do all that even if he didn't need or want him did that mean his family had never really needed him at all? Suddenly he felt like he couldn't breath and he needed to get away. Dropping his gaze he offered Snape a "Thank you Sir." Before moving to his bed and sitting down on the edge to stair a wall.
Severus had thought it would be harder to have Harry living with him, but as the days passed and he rarely saw the boy he found that at times he could almost forget he was even there. When he did remember him though he never found it hard to locate the boy he was usually in his room, on his bed, staring at a wall as he had been that first day. He knew the boy must have done some work at some point because where were books on the desk in the small room he had given the boy, but he had never seen it himself.
It was near the end of June that he finally started to get some idea of what might be wrong with the boy. He had received an owl at breakfast an hour before and while Severus hadn't thought much about it at the time a sudden loud crack and an exclaimed "Oh wow. I can't believe I forgot about that. I'm really sorry Dudley." Sent him to the small room just as Harry feel to his knees tears running down his face in what was really a rather pathetic display. Or at least that was what the voice in his head that sounded like his muggle father informed him. He quickly pushed the voice away and instead decided if he didn't at least try and solve what ever this was Dumbledore would only make things worse for him so he decided he had better try.
He didn't get any father then the boy's name before he was told to "Leave me alone." That hadn't ever stopped Severus though so he of course started again earning him a sharp spike in Harry's magic and a dull "I said leave me alone." Severus though wasn't one to head good advice when he hears it and before he could get out more then Harry's name one more he found himself tossed into a wall with a yelled "What part of 'Leave me alone' did you not understand?" Deciding to retreat for now due to the ache building in his head Severus retired to his private lap to get something for his head and work on a potion or two while he tried to clear his mind and think.
It was nearly a week later when Severus had had enough. The boy had been barely eating and hadn't left his room except for meals which after some thought he realized it was what he had been doing all Summer and Severus decided it was time to find out why. Maybe if he could figure this out Dumbledore would find someone else to look after the boy. That in mind he made his way to Harry's room not long before breakfast rather surprised to find Harry awake, dressed, and once more staring at the wall. With a growl he made his way to the boy placing himself between the bed and the wall forcing Harry to see him "What do you think you are doing?"
Harry blinked up at Snape offering him a blank and broken look, one that had shattered worse in the last week then it had been fixed by the comfort offered by Snape's rules and his living arrangements "Nothing."
It was such a cold sounding voice, one that shouldn't belong to any child, Severus couldn't help but snap at it "Nothing is right. So you don't live with the Muggles now you should be pleased you ungrateful.."
"What? You expected me to break into song and dance right away? Recovery is a delicate matter!" Harry cut in his tone as cold and dead as before making the words seem almost obscene in some odd sort of way "They were all I had, all I knew. Do you expect me to leave them and just be happy being here with you? Your just like me I can see. How can /you/ just expect me to get better! If that is what you think then why can't you get better too? What is the difference between me and you!" yes Harry was yelling, but the sudden words had sent new cracks though him breaking his little world even farther.
"What is the difference between you and me? I'll tell you what that is! You're a little boy, and I'm a grown man. I don't need you trying to pick apart my life like you think you have some right to just because you live here. I have been just fine without you and will be again." Severus hadn't meant to yell it really was just a bit of a touchy subject.
"And I have been just fine with my life. I made sure my family was happy and it was enough for me. I made their food, cleaned the house, and did Dudley's schoolwork. I knew when I was a bad boy I had to go to my cupboard, but I didn't mind. If my family wasn't happy it had to be my fault so I needed to be punished. I didn't mind though because they needed me and that was all I needed." Harry's broken gaze meet Snape's at that point before he continued "They don't need me now though and I don't know if they ever did. You don't need me, but you are just like them. I've been bad so I have to stay in here, I'm lucky to be alive as I only eat when you let me, I don't matter so you're the one gets to decide what I do and when."
Severus's mind was running quickly at everything Harry had said, the words cut him rather deeply as he realized that hearing it like that he almost sounded like his father. Still the way Harry said it, it was like he expected this wanted it even and it oddly made things seem somehow better; maybe he could use this. If Harry wanted to be 'needed' he could try and help him with that at least. He allowed the silence to pass for several long moments before finally speaking again "I was going to wait, but if you are so eager to help starting after breakfast you will be helping me prepare potion ingredients." He informed the boy making a point to make it sound as if that had been the plan all along.
Harry blinked slowly before a sort of small and twisted smile found his face as he nodded. So Severus did need him then. He could fell the chill that had been engulfing him again over the past week lightening again at that. He /was/ need it was why he was here.
The next few weeks passed in an odd sort of haze for both males as Severus grew used to the fact that he rather liked this side of Harry and Harry growing used to the new things he needed to do in order to keep Severus happy. He might have disappointed his family, but he wouldn't disappoint Severus. He wouldn't!
As things were starting be normal in Harry's world he was summoned to Dumbledore's office; The sorting feast would be tonight not that Harry cared. He had his room with Severus and was learning how to keep him happy, that was what mattered. Dumbledore shattered his world again though informing Harry with that smile of his that his roommates would be back tonight and he was moving back with them. Wasn't that great? No, Harry thought, it wasn't.
HPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPHPPHP
Author’s Note: Ok I realize Harry might be latching onto Snape rather fast for some, but he was quite suddenly torn away from his stable world and told he was a wizard, then when he is finally ready to get back to that stability it is ripped away quite completely and he is shoved at this man who in his hatred of him treats Harry the way Harry thinks he should be. It gives him some of that stability back and he latches onto that, but the letter from Dudley breaks it up again some. When Snape offered him something to do that made him seem like he was needed it was all Harry needed for his Stockhold Syndrome to let him become ‘attached’ to Snape. It is why at that point he becomes ‘Severus’ instead of ‘Snape’. ‘Snape’ is his professor, but ‘Severus’ is this man who needs him. Also: yes, Severus is going to try and use this to his advantage; no, Dudley didn’t know about the Harry being given to Dumbledore bit and so neither did Draco; and yes, Dudley will be coming back. That is all I’m going to say on that for now though.
Author’s Note 2: If you can’t tell there isn’t going to be much physical dialogue in this fic as most of it is told in Harry’s PoV though his thoughts as we are basically watching him break down and be fixed over and over, but there are some other PoVs tossed in and a bit of speaking. I’m just making sure to point this out now to explain in case anyone is wondering.