I'm Really Sorry People!
OK OK i know i havent posted in more then a week but i have a good explanation, cuz i went to florida for spring break, and i brought this laptop, but the internet didnt work on it, i couldnt connect. so my grandma has a working computer, but theres not a snowballs chance in hell im gunna write in my livejournal on there, where ppl can see or find out about it. so ya, basically, i was just in florida, and i got to see my grandparents and cousins/aunt/uncle.
in other news, im trying to learn french on my own, using podcasts and a online guide. unfortunately, the guide of COURSE, requires $$$ so i can only get the podcast, which might cause some future trouble. i havent told anyone of course, cuz i dunno, its just embarrassing to tell ppl that, "oh ya im trying to self teach french through a podcast!" come to think of it, i dont really tell ppl much of well....ANYTHING. i mean, not even telling anyone about how im trying to learn french, and the anime thing too, which is looming over my head :(
so BM is a really good friend of mine now. so when we had interim, she had musical theatre you know? well KP and ED were in there as well. after interim and spring break we all come back, and well....KP and ED stole BM from us (me, KS, and F) this started yesterday. and u know im happy for her. i really am, im glad she likes this whole new crowd, cuz i htink she has more fun with them anyway. but you know, here comes the subject of jealousy. as i told you, shes a really good friend of mine. and i know i dont like it when she mentions her other friends, but i like...not sure if thats jealousy. i mean YA theres jealousy in that...but more like the feeling like "oh hey thats cool" and i dont know what to say, other then laugh and smile at what shes saying, cuz what she says it always funny when she mentions what her friends do; then the...ewird feeling over her mentioning other friends is gone. but so back to KP and ED stealing her...yes theres jealosy, that you know she likes hanging out with them now instead of us (me, KS and F) but thats only the secondary feeling you know? im more sad then anything, cuz im going to miss her presence a lot. and its not like i can say anything to her, cuz i have absolutely no right at all to make her come back or make her feel bad at all for not hanging aorund with us anymore, cuz i still want her to be happy, and i can tell shes happy with KP and ED and all of their friends. BM is a very lively person, and shes the one who likes to show me anime and stuff and KP and ED and all their friends are exactly like her too you know? only crazier lol. but what im saying is that she can relate and laugh and have fun easier with them then us. i feel like im losing her though! i really hate it too, cuz i want her back, but theres nothing i can do, cuz i cant do/say anything to her or anyone else cuz KS and F and me dont talk bout ppl behind their backs u know? (OK OK except for ER, but OMG i hate her, and BM is my friend.) let me rephrase that. KS, F, BM, and i dont talk about our friends behind their backs. thats better. sooo....im happy for her, to be able to be in this huge group of anime loving friends of hers....but then again im sad too, for obvious reasons, im losing a friend. and jealousy of course, sneaks in there, cuz i dont consider myself a jealous person.
it just seems to me that everyone leaves me in the end. my best friend KK, left, but i cant really hold her accountable, she moved. BUT on the other hand, it seems like shes lost interest in my bestfriendwise, so maybe now i dont have a best friend, she might have left me. all my 8th grade friends...gone. KS (the bragging annoying one) would have left if not that we lived 2 blocks away from eachother. i know we would have stopped talking altogether. now BM is leaving. KP, ED, and BHM, are going to leave/left. BHM i dont think ive ever mentioned him. he was a junior, and he graduated early. he always hung out with us (it was me, KS and BM at that time, F had yet to become friends w/ us) during lunch. then he graduated b/c he took some test and he left you know? didnt hear a word form him at all. then he came to visit. he came up to our usual spot during recess/lunch and said hi. walked away to see everyone else he knew. and i was totally OK with that, i would want to say hi and see my other friends too. but he didnt come back, he hung out the KP and ED and everyone else, the same ppl BM is hanging out with now. and the same thing is true too, they are more his TYPE you know? he would have a lot more fun with all of them. but i remember that day, where he came to visit and he only said a few words to me....and i saw him and KP and everyone else in their group walking across the field after school...and i was standing all alone, and i think my eyes started tearing up. im not sure if ive ever felt more alone. i remember watching them for a while. then going home. i miss BHM. i wish he would come back...i miss his presence, i miss everything about him, he was the life of the party, he kept the convo going.
anyway....going back to BM, i remember today i was thinking about how im probably only going to really see her during PE now, since thats the only class we have together and its just us (and ER. ugh.) i was questioning wether or not we will still talk on YIM. i hope that maybe we will come into her mind every now and then and she will sit with us. but i wont be the same....since it will be awkward and silent like the beginning of the year and we wont have anything to say to her since she only comes by once in a while and oh god i dont want that to happen!! i want BM back! damn KP, taking her away like that. she calls them her "dysfunctional family" shes attached to them now i guess...it just makes me sad. no jealousy...just sadness right now. but i DID talk to her on YIM about an hour ago, and it was just like all our other convos and that made me really happy. and then she told me something! she likes ED! and ED is a great guy, i love how he is so...nonchalant about everything, ED is just a cool guy you know? im happy that she found someone she likes now, so that may be part of the reason she likes hanging out with them other then the fact that she fits in better with them. she told me it started in her interim, remember how she and him were in the same one? (with ER and KP and T)
oh and about ER, se apparently doesnt know how to fall! its like wth o0. ya i know. i was talking to KP today and he was telling everyone about how he had to teach her how to fall since her character (kelsi) had to fall in the play and apparently she would just sit down lol. and better yet, KP and BM both told me she said "ow" everytime she tried to fall. seriously. wow. he also told us how she cut herself a little bit then started crying. its unbelievable, but its like what i said, she like to exaggerate her pain to get sympathy from others.
so KP. so it was 6th period, when i actually get to talk to him, and in the beginning, i didnt look him in the eye. i know what im doing too, since i dont look him in the eye during science either. im pushing him away, maybe he thinks that i dont like talking to him/dont consider him my friend? haha right? total opposite, i mean rly. but i started thinking about how he rly is, and i started getting pissed. i mean, he had 2 GIRLFRIENDS!!! WHAT THE HELL! hes a player, and one of his GF's, M, is really super nice and awesome. shes like me, kinda standing off to the side, smiling, just kinda watching and listening you know? the worst part is that he left her, with BM on his back, he just left her with his (heavy) backpack and she and this other guy whos name i cant remember were left with like 5ish backpacks. i was so pissed at him for that, cuz M is a great girl and does not deserve to be treated like that. he doesnt know when he crosses the line, doesnt know when to stop, he is just..uncontrollable you know??? i could never date someone like him, i need someone more...tame lol xDDD and yet here i am obsessing about him like hes my lover. god its so depressing how emotionally attached i am to him. then he started talking to me, and that anger evaporated. just like that. and ive been thinking a lot about wether or not he would ask me out again at night and wether or not i would go with him. i dont want to disappoint my mom. i dont want to get caught. but on the plus side: i want to, oh god i really want to! *sigh* im so pathetic, ive even practiced getting in and outta my window. its craziness.
ok random anime pic, dont know where its from :D:D:D:D
in other news, im trying to learn french on my own, using podcasts and a online guide. unfortunately, the guide of COURSE, requires $$$ so i can only get the podcast, which might cause some future trouble. i havent told anyone of course, cuz i dunno, its just embarrassing to tell ppl that, "oh ya im trying to self teach french through a podcast!" come to think of it, i dont really tell ppl much of well....ANYTHING. i mean, not even telling anyone about how im trying to learn french, and the anime thing too, which is looming over my head :(
so BM is a really good friend of mine now. so when we had interim, she had musical theatre you know? well KP and ED were in there as well. after interim and spring break we all come back, and well....KP and ED stole BM from us (me, KS, and F) this started yesterday. and u know im happy for her. i really am, im glad she likes this whole new crowd, cuz i htink she has more fun with them anyway. but you know, here comes the subject of jealousy. as i told you, shes a really good friend of mine. and i know i dont like it when she mentions her other friends, but i like...not sure if thats jealousy. i mean YA theres jealousy in that...but more like the feeling like "oh hey thats cool" and i dont know what to say, other then laugh and smile at what shes saying, cuz what she says it always funny when she mentions what her friends do; then the...ewird feeling over her mentioning other friends is gone. but so back to KP and ED stealing her...yes theres jealosy, that you know she likes hanging out with them now instead of us (me, KS and F) but thats only the secondary feeling you know? im more sad then anything, cuz im going to miss her presence a lot. and its not like i can say anything to her, cuz i have absolutely no right at all to make her come back or make her feel bad at all for not hanging aorund with us anymore, cuz i still want her to be happy, and i can tell shes happy with KP and ED and all of their friends. BM is a very lively person, and shes the one who likes to show me anime and stuff and KP and ED and all their friends are exactly like her too you know? only crazier lol. but what im saying is that she can relate and laugh and have fun easier with them then us. i feel like im losing her though! i really hate it too, cuz i want her back, but theres nothing i can do, cuz i cant do/say anything to her or anyone else cuz KS and F and me dont talk bout ppl behind their backs u know? (OK OK except for ER, but OMG i hate her, and BM is my friend.) let me rephrase that. KS, F, BM, and i dont talk about our friends behind their backs. thats better. sooo....im happy for her, to be able to be in this huge group of anime loving friends of hers....but then again im sad too, for obvious reasons, im losing a friend. and jealousy of course, sneaks in there, cuz i dont consider myself a jealous person.
it just seems to me that everyone leaves me in the end. my best friend KK, left, but i cant really hold her accountable, she moved. BUT on the other hand, it seems like shes lost interest in my bestfriendwise, so maybe now i dont have a best friend, she might have left me. all my 8th grade friends...gone. KS (the bragging annoying one) would have left if not that we lived 2 blocks away from eachother. i know we would have stopped talking altogether. now BM is leaving. KP, ED, and BHM, are going to leave/left. BHM i dont think ive ever mentioned him. he was a junior, and he graduated early. he always hung out with us (it was me, KS and BM at that time, F had yet to become friends w/ us) during lunch. then he graduated b/c he took some test and he left you know? didnt hear a word form him at all. then he came to visit. he came up to our usual spot during recess/lunch and said hi. walked away to see everyone else he knew. and i was totally OK with that, i would want to say hi and see my other friends too. but he didnt come back, he hung out the KP and ED and everyone else, the same ppl BM is hanging out with now. and the same thing is true too, they are more his TYPE you know? he would have a lot more fun with all of them. but i remember that day, where he came to visit and he only said a few words to me....and i saw him and KP and everyone else in their group walking across the field after school...and i was standing all alone, and i think my eyes started tearing up. im not sure if ive ever felt more alone. i remember watching them for a while. then going home. i miss BHM. i wish he would come back...i miss his presence, i miss everything about him, he was the life of the party, he kept the convo going.
anyway....going back to BM, i remember today i was thinking about how im probably only going to really see her during PE now, since thats the only class we have together and its just us (and ER. ugh.) i was questioning wether or not we will still talk on YIM. i hope that maybe we will come into her mind every now and then and she will sit with us. but i wont be the same....since it will be awkward and silent like the beginning of the year and we wont have anything to say to her since she only comes by once in a while and oh god i dont want that to happen!! i want BM back! damn KP, taking her away like that. she calls them her "dysfunctional family" shes attached to them now i guess...it just makes me sad. no jealousy...just sadness right now. but i DID talk to her on YIM about an hour ago, and it was just like all our other convos and that made me really happy. and then she told me something! she likes ED! and ED is a great guy, i love how he is so...nonchalant about everything, ED is just a cool guy you know? im happy that she found someone she likes now, so that may be part of the reason she likes hanging out with them other then the fact that she fits in better with them. she told me it started in her interim, remember how she and him were in the same one? (with ER and KP and T)
oh and about ER, se apparently doesnt know how to fall! its like wth o0. ya i know. i was talking to KP today and he was telling everyone about how he had to teach her how to fall since her character (kelsi) had to fall in the play and apparently she would just sit down lol. and better yet, KP and BM both told me she said "ow" everytime she tried to fall. seriously. wow. he also told us how she cut herself a little bit then started crying. its unbelievable, but its like what i said, she like to exaggerate her pain to get sympathy from others.
so KP. so it was 6th period, when i actually get to talk to him, and in the beginning, i didnt look him in the eye. i know what im doing too, since i dont look him in the eye during science either. im pushing him away, maybe he thinks that i dont like talking to him/dont consider him my friend? haha right? total opposite, i mean rly. but i started thinking about how he rly is, and i started getting pissed. i mean, he had 2 GIRLFRIENDS!!! WHAT THE HELL! hes a player, and one of his GF's, M, is really super nice and awesome. shes like me, kinda standing off to the side, smiling, just kinda watching and listening you know? the worst part is that he left her, with BM on his back, he just left her with his (heavy) backpack and she and this other guy whos name i cant remember were left with like 5ish backpacks. i was so pissed at him for that, cuz M is a great girl and does not deserve to be treated like that. he doesnt know when he crosses the line, doesnt know when to stop, he is just..uncontrollable you know??? i could never date someone like him, i need someone more...tame lol xDDD and yet here i am obsessing about him like hes my lover. god its so depressing how emotionally attached i am to him. then he started talking to me, and that anger evaporated. just like that. and ive been thinking a lot about wether or not he would ask me out again at night and wether or not i would go with him. i dont want to disappoint my mom. i dont want to get caught. but on the plus side: i want to, oh god i really want to! *sigh* im so pathetic, ive even practiced getting in and outta my window. its craziness.
ok random anime pic, dont know where its from :D:D:D:D