Kenny And I
just a short little thing that i wanted to get out there about kenny and i. it's just that after our little internet fight, our relationship is nothing but trying to make the other angry/jealous/sad. we both care nothing for the others feelings anymore, at least thats how i feel. me, molly hicks, does not care about hurting someones feelings. especially if that someone is a person you were OBSESSED with for all of freshman yr, and was your first boyfriend. i want to make him hurt. and apparently he does too. we are both so far gone from eachother that there is no love. only scorn, only pain.
only anger and stains.
he likes hug rae and put his arm around her like he used to do with me, i he held her hand when they were walking, but a person obscured my view, so i could not affirm it. he does it all when he knows i'm going to look. and you can see it in my writing, i get angry. jealous even D;
yesterday, when i was talking to miata afterschool, he was about 3 steps away from her, with his other friends. he kept looking in my direction, to see if he could get a reaction out of me if he laughed and acted happy. i was watching him out of the corner of my eye, and he came up near miata, and hugged the person behind her; a girl. i pretended to ignore his existence and said goodbye to miata, and i didn't look back.
so i get even. i don't have any other guy friends to hug or cuddle with, so i use danee. i link arms with her, lean my head against her shoulder, i used her as a pillow today. the last two things me and him used to do. i saw him look. and i tried to fight my smile; cuz i knew he wanted to be danee. i laugh harder then i have to, and act very happy.
the only thing we want is to inflict pain. we're both holding on to these scars we gave eachother, both clinging to a sense of victimhood that we take out on eachother.
you know today i came up so close to him twice. it was passing period, and he saw me both times, i know it. once was oppisite directions, the second time we were going towards the courtyard, he was infront of me but going slowly. i think he might of saw me come out of the classroom and wanted to make me uncomfortable, or else it was his leg (he has a broken ankle from tennis) that second time after i passed him and went to go get my lunch, i realized my legs were shaking.
i remember there was also this one time when he and this guy named... jason? were on the stairs leading down to the gym afterschool. kenny was on the railing, looking totally depressed, and jason standing looking at him. i had to pass both of them to get to the bus stop. i had to go down the flight of stairs and walk away from kenny, who was probably watching me those like 3 minutes i was in his sight...
i also remember during rally, i had the upperhand since because of his broken ankle, he had to sit on the bottom bleacher while i was higher up, so i got to be able to look at him w/o worrying if he saw me. i remember catching him looking at me though.
the two i just talked about were before the jealousy part, it was just the sadness/ missing you part.
and don't think i don't miss him.. i miss him like no tomorrow. everytime i'm on the couch i can't help but imagine he's laying next to me, keeping me warm with his body. i still pretend im talking and laughing with him, like i did during freshman year. it helps me maintain a false sense of closeness to that person, i do it unconsciously, and i keep catching myself in the act, but it feels too good for me to scold myself and just stop... it makes me happy ok? happy...
so theres basically two emotions lying with me, i don't know about kenny and how he feels. i know he misses me, but i don't know which emotion is stronger, the pain or the anger. for me, the two emotions are the missing him/sadness emotion, and the jealousy. now the stronger emotion used to be the sadness/ missing you. that was pre-email fight. now it's post-email fight, and scorn, anger, and jealousy rule. i want to hurt him, to bring him down to my level of pain. i didn't think i could do these types of things w/o feeling guilty afterwards, but lo and behold, no guilt. just that evil happy feeling, the feeling of wanting to do it again. to hurt him more like he hurts me right now, but touching rae like that.
like he used to do with me
...his ex
god i have to get over him... but everytime i see him my heart does a flip; a longing flip. i want him back, i want to go back to the summertime, when everything was perfect and happy. i still can't look him in the eye, and vice versa. when im around he makes sure to turn his back to me, and i make sure to not swing my gaze over to his side of the courtyard. if he turned around, or if i looked over, we both know we would be staring. both wanting the same thing.
now i know he misses me, and wants me back to, but we are wayyy to far gone. it makes me sad to know that it would have never worked out between us anyways....
ahh it makes me want to cry, thinking about him like this
i have to harden myself again... think bad things... think about other way to make him hurt...
-Molly
*got from google*
only anger and stains.
he likes hug rae and put his arm around her like he used to do with me, i he held her hand when they were walking, but a person obscured my view, so i could not affirm it. he does it all when he knows i'm going to look. and you can see it in my writing, i get angry. jealous even D;
yesterday, when i was talking to miata afterschool, he was about 3 steps away from her, with his other friends. he kept looking in my direction, to see if he could get a reaction out of me if he laughed and acted happy. i was watching him out of the corner of my eye, and he came up near miata, and hugged the person behind her; a girl. i pretended to ignore his existence and said goodbye to miata, and i didn't look back.
so i get even. i don't have any other guy friends to hug or cuddle with, so i use danee. i link arms with her, lean my head against her shoulder, i used her as a pillow today. the last two things me and him used to do. i saw him look. and i tried to fight my smile; cuz i knew he wanted to be danee. i laugh harder then i have to, and act very happy.
the only thing we want is to inflict pain. we're both holding on to these scars we gave eachother, both clinging to a sense of victimhood that we take out on eachother.
you know today i came up so close to him twice. it was passing period, and he saw me both times, i know it. once was oppisite directions, the second time we were going towards the courtyard, he was infront of me but going slowly. i think he might of saw me come out of the classroom and wanted to make me uncomfortable, or else it was his leg (he has a broken ankle from tennis) that second time after i passed him and went to go get my lunch, i realized my legs were shaking.
i remember there was also this one time when he and this guy named... jason? were on the stairs leading down to the gym afterschool. kenny was on the railing, looking totally depressed, and jason standing looking at him. i had to pass both of them to get to the bus stop. i had to go down the flight of stairs and walk away from kenny, who was probably watching me those like 3 minutes i was in his sight...
i also remember during rally, i had the upperhand since because of his broken ankle, he had to sit on the bottom bleacher while i was higher up, so i got to be able to look at him w/o worrying if he saw me. i remember catching him looking at me though.
the two i just talked about were before the jealousy part, it was just the sadness/ missing you part.
and don't think i don't miss him.. i miss him like no tomorrow. everytime i'm on the couch i can't help but imagine he's laying next to me, keeping me warm with his body. i still pretend im talking and laughing with him, like i did during freshman year. it helps me maintain a false sense of closeness to that person, i do it unconsciously, and i keep catching myself in the act, but it feels too good for me to scold myself and just stop... it makes me happy ok? happy...
so theres basically two emotions lying with me, i don't know about kenny and how he feels. i know he misses me, but i don't know which emotion is stronger, the pain or the anger. for me, the two emotions are the missing him/sadness emotion, and the jealousy. now the stronger emotion used to be the sadness/ missing you. that was pre-email fight. now it's post-email fight, and scorn, anger, and jealousy rule. i want to hurt him, to bring him down to my level of pain. i didn't think i could do these types of things w/o feeling guilty afterwards, but lo and behold, no guilt. just that evil happy feeling, the feeling of wanting to do it again. to hurt him more like he hurts me right now, but touching rae like that.
like he used to do with me
...his ex
god i have to get over him... but everytime i see him my heart does a flip; a longing flip. i want him back, i want to go back to the summertime, when everything was perfect and happy. i still can't look him in the eye, and vice versa. when im around he makes sure to turn his back to me, and i make sure to not swing my gaze over to his side of the courtyard. if he turned around, or if i looked over, we both know we would be staring. both wanting the same thing.
now i know he misses me, and wants me back to, but we are wayyy to far gone. it makes me sad to know that it would have never worked out between us anyways....
ahh it makes me want to cry, thinking about him like this
i have to harden myself again... think bad things... think about other way to make him hurt...
-Molly
*got from google*