The Battle....
Well Timoth wants to stay here and I want to go to NYC now. We received notice that we have to be out feb 1st. We looked at a house in hickory on Springs rd and it is beautiful but its 750/month which means all acting stuff would stop b/c there would be no extra money. The economy here sucks so the job situation isn't looking good and I have been applying. So basically if we don't go now we won't go...I just know it....I feel it. So i want to go now. Timoth wants to stay b/c his job and he hates the city. We came to a compremise that Im not happy with but one none the less. If this house is not rented by the time we get our taxes we stay and rent that. If it is we go. I hope they rent it. Hey everyone...beautiful house for rent on Springs rd. Anyway Im all upset b/c I feel like I am having to compremise with my dreams. God I am so fucked up right now. There is a guy in NYC who is willing to work with us on a beautiful apartment and I know we wouldn't have any trouble getting jobs there. As far as the production jobs we could drive back for that. My guts say do even though the fear of the unknown makes me hesitate. Of course in the words of JFK, "Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever acheive greatly". I know we could possibly get up there and not make it and timoth has a good point that we would be starting completely over and him with no job at first. However I know that I would rather try and fail than remain on "safe grounds" and always wonder, "what if". I can't deal with the what if part, I have to know and I personally believe we can do anything we work at. Failure isn't an option for me anyway. We know what is in N.C, but we have yet to know what is in NYC. God, I am so lost... I mean I am focused but I am torn and I feel so drained and tired b/c my mind won't be at peace and I am terrified we will be here years from now and that I will regret not going if that happens. And a part of me resents Timoth for fighting me on this. I know his feelings should be considered too but this is my dream. On the other hand who am I to make him choose between his dream and mine. However I also know I will never be content in "his world". It's just not who I am. I don't want no more kids, I am happy to be away from both parents, I want to go, to meet new people and do new things. I am not content with an ordinary life. The whole little house with a picket fence and 12 kids running around as I knit booties with his mom just isn't me. Never was and never will be. At least D went home today...The main reason I had wanted to stay till next year was to take the classes, coaching, and the production jobs but I realized there will be no money for that now so why stay. Yeah maybe there will be no left over money in NYC but at least we could get to auditions...hell just jump on the subway and get anywhere. I don't know...I just don't know....I am literally sick over this and I know things always have worked out for the best but I I just don't know. I need some good advice but I know my heart is set reguardless of the advice so why bother with it? I would love an unbiased tarot reading from someone who doesn't know me or the situation but thats not gonna happen. Hell I d settle for any tarot reading at the moment but truthfully I know I just want confirmation on what I already know or I just want to be told what I want to hear.... Hell I need to just have my nervous breakdown but I just don't have the time to have the nervous breakdown that I deserve....I don't know...Im going to bed.