Posting to post
Sometimes I find myself at my desk not knowing what to type. I stare at the screen not knowing what to type and it drives me crazy. It could an email, something simple or like right now a journal post and I just do not know what to type. It's not that I don't have anything to say or that I don't want to post, I just freeze.
I've been feeling like this a lot lately. I just suddenly find myself frozen in place. At work I sometimes eat what my friends are eating because standing in the food court I find that I can not decide what to eat. Not because I am having a hard time choosing but because I simply can not make the decision. So rather than standing frozen in place at the food court, I just go where my friends go, from there it's easier to just choose what I always get.
That's how I found out that I don't like onions anymore. I've never liked raw onions, but cooked onions are fine...in fact if cooked right, I could eat nothing but onions. One afternoon I was in the food court, once again frozen in place, so I choose my usual sandwich from Great Steak & Potato. A chicken philly sub, all the way. I took all of two bites and just couldn't stomach the taste because of the onions. They were cut up really small and fused onto the sandwich by the cheese. I didn't eat that day.
I don't know what's going on. Am I depressed? Having panic attacks? I don't know. I don't feel depressed. Sure my life is a little crazy right now, but when has it ever been sane? Sure I'm not sleeping fully, I'm not eating and I hurt like hell, but I'm here and alive and breathing. In fact I'm working all the time and then coming home to clean...all by choice. I don't have to pick up extra hours or go in on my days off but I choose to and once again I don't know why.
Sometimes I think going through the motions is better than stopping and feeling. But what am I avoiding? What do I not want to feel?
-Amy
I've been feeling like this a lot lately. I just suddenly find myself frozen in place. At work I sometimes eat what my friends are eating because standing in the food court I find that I can not decide what to eat. Not because I am having a hard time choosing but because I simply can not make the decision. So rather than standing frozen in place at the food court, I just go where my friends go, from there it's easier to just choose what I always get.
That's how I found out that I don't like onions anymore. I've never liked raw onions, but cooked onions are fine...in fact if cooked right, I could eat nothing but onions. One afternoon I was in the food court, once again frozen in place, so I choose my usual sandwich from Great Steak & Potato. A chicken philly sub, all the way. I took all of two bites and just couldn't stomach the taste because of the onions. They were cut up really small and fused onto the sandwich by the cheese. I didn't eat that day.
I don't know what's going on. Am I depressed? Having panic attacks? I don't know. I don't feel depressed. Sure my life is a little crazy right now, but when has it ever been sane? Sure I'm not sleeping fully, I'm not eating and I hurt like hell, but I'm here and alive and breathing. In fact I'm working all the time and then coming home to clean...all by choice. I don't have to pick up extra hours or go in on my days off but I choose to and once again I don't know why.
Sometimes I think going through the motions is better than stopping and feeling. But what am I avoiding? What do I not want to feel?
-Amy