Mad Season...
Some days feel more useless than others...
All today has been good for, has been making me feel sort of confused, floaty...and whenever I started listening to music I'd randomly tear up. Didn't have to be a particularly sad song...and I don't even think I'm sad, just for some reason - I'm tearing up. I feel stupid.
I talked to Pat for a while. I get confused, does he like me? Could he possibly like me? Probably not... I'm such a fucking pessimist about that sort of thing though. I keep flirting, just in case. Someday maybe I'll work up the nerve to see if he wants to go do something...wish he would first. I could always hope I guess.
I want something, like a crappy hamburger from a crappy restaurant. *sigh* Like a real place, not McCrap. Maybe I'll get something and pick it up, I know I'm solo for dinner tonight, and why torment yourself by eating out alone?
"I need you now, do you think you can cope? You figured me out, I'm a child and I'm hopeless, I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken, I've come undone."
Yep, that's me. Today anyway.
I bought Pat a belt, and a beltbuckle...I don't know why exactly. Well, I do, but I'm not sure how I'm going to explain a random gift to him just yet. Figure that out tomorrow I suppose. Back to work, March arrived, and with it - back to making grids...or whatever they have me do.
Sometimes when you leave work for a while, well, it's production...they find someone else to do your job. Maybe they found someone who does it better than me, and they'll shove me elsewhere in the plant. I just don't give a fuck at the moment.
I bought Laurie a Jack Sparrow and Will Turner action figure pack. I hope she loves them, I really do. *smiles* I love giving gifts to people...I get a selfish joy from it. I sent Cody another care package... I love doing that too. I send him one a month roughly... much to his chagrin at times. I don't mean to make him feel guilty, but I think that's what ends up happening. He's never gotten me a thing... I don't care. He doesn't have to, I get affection and that's enough for me. Nobody loves my stupid ass but him, Nicki, her kids, and my family. I'll take his love for its' rarity in that equation...not related or living with me. No benefit to him to love me...other than my occasional gifts I guess, and they aren't THAT special really.
Nothing to believe in, but the lie, and the lie is comforting. No one will understand this but me, and thst's okay... in the end, all my entries are for me anyway.
All today has been good for, has been making me feel sort of confused, floaty...and whenever I started listening to music I'd randomly tear up. Didn't have to be a particularly sad song...and I don't even think I'm sad, just for some reason - I'm tearing up. I feel stupid.
I talked to Pat for a while. I get confused, does he like me? Could he possibly like me? Probably not... I'm such a fucking pessimist about that sort of thing though. I keep flirting, just in case. Someday maybe I'll work up the nerve to see if he wants to go do something...wish he would first. I could always hope I guess.
I want something, like a crappy hamburger from a crappy restaurant. *sigh* Like a real place, not McCrap. Maybe I'll get something and pick it up, I know I'm solo for dinner tonight, and why torment yourself by eating out alone?
"I need you now, do you think you can cope? You figured me out, I'm a child and I'm hopeless, I'm bleeding and broken, though I've never spoken, I've come undone."
Yep, that's me. Today anyway.
I bought Pat a belt, and a beltbuckle...I don't know why exactly. Well, I do, but I'm not sure how I'm going to explain a random gift to him just yet. Figure that out tomorrow I suppose. Back to work, March arrived, and with it - back to making grids...or whatever they have me do.
Sometimes when you leave work for a while, well, it's production...they find someone else to do your job. Maybe they found someone who does it better than me, and they'll shove me elsewhere in the plant. I just don't give a fuck at the moment.
I bought Laurie a Jack Sparrow and Will Turner action figure pack. I hope she loves them, I really do. *smiles* I love giving gifts to people...I get a selfish joy from it. I sent Cody another care package... I love doing that too. I send him one a month roughly... much to his chagrin at times. I don't mean to make him feel guilty, but I think that's what ends up happening. He's never gotten me a thing... I don't care. He doesn't have to, I get affection and that's enough for me. Nobody loves my stupid ass but him, Nicki, her kids, and my family. I'll take his love for its' rarity in that equation...not related or living with me. No benefit to him to love me...other than my occasional gifts I guess, and they aren't THAT special really.
Nothing to believe in, but the lie, and the lie is comforting. No one will understand this but me, and thst's okay... in the end, all my entries are for me anyway.