(no subject)
I'm not sure what to think of myself right now. I'm an evolving mess of sorts, an enigma to myself.
I am alone, and it's for the best - I mean I was dating a cartoon character practically. He said he was one thing on paper, I met him and he was a bit different, and within a couple of months he'd changed who he was at least 4 times.
I thought I had a sort of chubby hispanic "gothy" boyfriend, with a dream of being a firefighter or EMT who happened to play the bass. He loved some of the same music as me which was fantastic! I was in love with the idea of him.
I knew he loved the cat, but when he said he'd kill himself when the cat died... well I should have said "I'm outta here." then. I was just lonely though, and I wanted someone to work with me. Besides, I'm hardly perfect.
When he tried to kill himself the day I met him. It was scary but I stayed.
When I saw how many medications he took a day, I was completely unsettled, but I stayed.
Then his dreams kept changing, he wanted to be a musician, then a philosopher and write a book, then finally a cowboy and go back to rodeo. Along with that dream he redecorated his bedroom, and gave away all that music we had in common. I loved him so I tried to stay.
He lived with his mom, she had complete control of his life nearly, and he didn't know what he wanted to be when he grew up. By the time you're 33 I think you should have a grasp on that.
I let him be with me, something I hate letting people do, because I really wanted to make it the right thing. He managed to still make me feel cheap and whorish despite all his sugary lies about making sure it was good for me, and taking his time, and being attentive. In the end he was as they all have been, quick, inattentive, and completely self focused during what I already think is a humiliating experience.
Constant comparisons to his mother. Dozens of stories I found terrifying in their content. I was afraid I'd say the wrong thing and make him angry or upset. Somewhere along the way I was staying partly out of fear.
Then as if I wasn't already insecure that I was putting everything into something hopelessly one sided he mentions a new profile he made online. I looked and he listed himself as single, mentioned the cat, the school he isn't attending yet, of course the rodeo he isn't doing yet, the truck he doesn't drive, and even barbecuing for friends and family - but made no mention of me at all.
So I asked him about where he saw himself in a year - he spouted off a dream of being a cowboy with his parents, having a ranch and pursuing his dream. Again not a mention of me at all- and this was all hypothetical, anyone can be included or excluded you wish to be there.
I told him I thought we were going in different directions and gave him my reasons politely - he asked me what crawled up my ass to make me so obsessed with "details" - cussed at me and was generally rude. Predictably I'd said the wrong thing and he told me he "didn't have time for me and to have a nice life." what a complete waste.
I saw a trail of sacrifices I'd made to try to make him #1 in my life, and in return I didn't even make his list.
So I lost some time, gained a few more scars, I knew the risks when I tried to play this game.
Who will I become? I'm so...everything tonight. I wish I had someone to talk to, but no one seems to be available tonight. Besides, I've been talking and I'm not getting anywhere so why would tonight be any different?
I'm just not happy.