do i really have nothing?
Ok, i left work early today because i was an emotional time bomb. i can't understand it. Maybe i got to the point of acceptance and now that it's gone i'm empty. This doen't make sense. For three months my life has been a roller coaster because of this ordeal and now its supposed to be over. i have never felt so much hatred and anger toward anyone the way i do toward her. it's her fault the baby was so badly formed so i suppose it is for the best that its life was ended before it could begin. i just don't understand how someone could do that! purposely throw up keeping nutrition from the baby, smoking like a chimney, cutting off the oxygen supply. it only had a 50/50 chance and it wasn't really formed well but it's her fault. This wasn't a God thing like dad's saying it is it was her! Why can't things go back to normal? Hell, has there ever been a normal? i never will have the white picket fence. it would have been a boy. i would have had a brother. i would have been the best damn big sister ever cuz the kid would have needed someone. but its ended now and i can't get my head around it. i learn to accept things and suddenly the situation changes and i can't unlearn things. i bottled up everything for three months. but maybe its more than just that. maybe its the added stress from work. i don't understand why i can't improve. i don't get why things confuse me. maybe i should transfer to parts. it might be less money but it would be more hours. i'd be dealing w/ people but it's a go nowhere position. at least as a tech i have a chance for advancement. i had to leave today who knows what i would have said to jimmy and john. john got his car stolen last night. it just seems like when i do try and make friends at work something comes up. anthony took 70 dollars from me that he never returned. so much for trust. then chris stood me up last night. i know he has a g/f and i knew it wasn't going to happen but i had hoped. just to hang out and get out of the apt would have been great. but there was an after work party last night. i had forgot about it on wed when i agreed to going out. i saw him thurs and he asked if i was going. i didn't know. i wanted a shower for sure and then i might have gone back except almost as soon as i clocked out i started crying. i couldn't stop. i've been crying a lot the past two days. mourning i guess or a detoxification. i haven't been sleeping either but i'm almost positive i've put the weight back on. i'm grotesque. i can't believe that for a brief moment i thought i might get an entry for the glamour shots modeling contest. me?! what the hell was i thinking? i need to learn to accept that i'll never be pretty in my own eyes. but i guess there's a part of me that won't give into that. i'm so tired of fighting demons. i've done well. there's only the one scar and i think i'm the only one who sees it. but oh how i've seen visions of blood. how easy a flick of a razor would be. some hidden thought that by bleeding the pressure would release from my head. not death, just a release to be able to breathe to not fear anything and be able to accept things. i'm the nonconformist. that means nothing except that i live by what i believe in and not by anyone else's standards. that's how charlotte church and be next to rob zombie which is next to the animaniacs in my music collection. actually they aren't next to each other since my music is in alphabetical order. why can i never write this on paper? maybe i want people to realize just how fucked up i am. colin did the one thing i needed though. he offered a hug and that took away so much of the pain. i'm home alone tonight. i'm driving to tomahawk alone tomorrow. i shouldn't be alone. i should never be alone but that's all i ever am. i don't want this to sound like a outcry to everyone saying you abandoned me it isn't i understand you have your lives and are doing a much better job at living them than i am at mine. why did chris have to choose the group over me? a call would have been nice but we aren't really friends so i guess it doesn't matter. so many feelings that i never let out until they build to the point where i cry for nearly 48 hours. although, i haven't slept well in a while so maybe that's part of the process. so don't worry about me and if you bothered to read this far into the rant don't be concerned. i'll get over it. i always do.