So I don't pass in public..
Just as the title states I do not pass in public, at least not well. If someone uses a female title towards me I notice my voice goes up. Or my female which pisses me off and makes me automatically start to speak in a higher voice. Yet strained like it isn't my voice at all. God I hate it makes me want to cry which makes me want to scream. I'm afraid to correct people once they put me in their gender box. Afraid that I'll just become even more scarred then I already am. I hear people talking behind my back. The "what is it?" "The " I think it's a fag." The "I think it's a butch dyke." Lol funny thing is why do those bother me now? I mean I actually got that throughout my life anyway. Along with freak and weird and different sort of titles.
I think it hurts now because I've come out to myself, and now it's all like an open wound that is very raw. Some things hurt more then others while at times I don't care. I got my binders and it makes me happy to know I can pass that way, sort of since I don't think I'm flat chested enough to get rid of my chesticles. Urgh I don't think today will be a good one either; last week was bad because people kept dumping stuff on me. But I couldn't even say shut up the world doesn't revolve around you! I have problems too but you don't hear me whining about them. Right now I'm in a place where I don't have anyone to talk to about these things. Other then strangers who I haven't a clue if they even really care two shits about me.
-Sighs- I think I'm going to be strong, last thing I want is to break down and sound like a raving crazy person in front of my doctor next week. Yes ^.^ I have an appointment with a gender specialist, I had thought it would take forever to get in. Because of insurence and such, but I'm in. Now to figure out how the hell to get there since I freaking suck at directions. Lol and I will even drive around for hours on end trying to find a place before that small spark of female in me says damn it Tayler just fucking ask for directions. Then I wind up feeling stupid just because I had passed the place several times because with glasses I have huge arse blind spots.
Lol but at least once I get lost I can UN-lose myself and if I get lost in the area again I can always some how find my way out of being lost. I can't wait until my girl gets here to stay, I'm freaking lonely, even playing LOTRO sucks and WoW isn't even holding me enthralled right now. I'm not depressed, and at least I know why I was freaking out so much the last couple of weeks. I was really dehydrated as well as my iron levels being so far down that I had been dealing with a constant head ache for more then a month. The last week I've had weakness dizzy spells and even lack of hunger, oh and the lovely bruises I didn't do anything to get but sleep wrong.
I'm going to stop posting now, before someone says anything, even though I really don't have anything to do right now.
