Firefly fic: Kaylee's Planning
So, many moons ago bdblack wrote Kaylee's Plan, because I was nagging him for het porn. And he gave me permission to mix it, Kaylee's POV, and then naturally that idea turned into *vague hands* Something Else. But here, I present to you the product of the umpteenth round of "I will start writing again, dammit!" (Also: how much do I adore Simon's incredible foot-in-mouth skills in Jaynestown and The Message? A lot, that is how much)
Kaylee's Planning
Kaylee/Simon (mentions of Kaylee/Inara and Zoe/Wash)
PG-13, 2100ish words.
Summary: Wherein Kaylee wants to get laid, Simon is intimidating, and the rest of the crew is unhelpful.
The best person to ask for advice on Serenity was generally Book. Generally. And it wasn't like Kaylee thought he would tell her she was sinning in particular (or not like she would care all that much if he did), but... there were some things it just seemed like a body shouldn't go to a Shepherd about.
Maybe she didn't need advice. Men and women had been doing this for a go tsao de long time, after all -- she had been doing it, as often as possible, for a fairly long time -- and surely it would work itself out. But then she passed Simon his bowl over dinner, brushing his hand as deliberately as she could, letting her thumb linger over the sensitive skin inside his wrist.
Simon jerked back like she'd burned him, almost dropped his bowl of reconstituted protein, stuttered something about needing to check on River, and left.
Kaylee needed advice.
***
So she asked Inara. They were sitting together, late into the evening, while Inara brushed those fancy oils and spices through Kaylee's hair. She almost didn't want to break the peace in the soft reddish candlelit glow of Inara's shuttle with thoughts of anyone else, but if anyone could help her, Inara could.
When she asked, Inara's hands went very still, warm on the curve of her neck under her hair. "I'm not sure I see the problem," Inara said at last. "Have you tried telling him?"
"It's no good," Kaylee answered. "He just don't want me."
Inara twisted her hair loosely and pinned it up on her head, in that way that made her feel beautiful and long-necked, but unbalanced too, top-heavy and precarious. Her fingers stroked down Kaylee's neck and over her shoulders, delicate and soothing.
"I don't think that's true. I think if you talk to him, you'll find that you don't need my help."
"He don't want me," Kaylee repeated, frustrated. "You can make anybody want you. Why can't you just, you know. Tell me what to do."
Inara stayed silent for a few more long minutes, stroking her fingers up Kaylee's neck, over her shoulders, along the hollows above her collar bones, until Kaylee at last relaxed back against her again.
"You're not a blushing virgin, Kaylee. I think we all know that. So why is he different?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Why can't you just approach him, the way you could with anyone else? Why is this one tying you up in knots?"
Kaylee didn't think she knew the answer, or at least didn't think she could say it, not in a way Inara would understand. But something about Inara's fingers stroking (her throat, her jaw, up into her hair behind her ears...) made her blurt it out. "He has soft hands," she said.
Inara plucked the pin out of her hair and let it fall again, all at once, with a puff of air against her sensitized neck. "He has soft hands," she repeated, calm and uninflected and utterly unhelpful.
"Not like a woman's, you know, they're strong. But all soft." Kaylee twisted her hands together in her lap, self-conscious, and picked at a stubborn patch of engine grease she hadn't quite washed off.
"I see," Inara said, and then, "Switch."
When they had settled again, Inara in front of her this time, and Kaylee had sorted through all the little sweet and spicy bottles and started brushing Inara's hiar, Inara finally spoke again. "You'll find that he's not so different from any other man you've been with."
"Oh, please. I have eyes. And ears. His Chinese is better than mine. And he, he, he buys all these fancy books when we stop at markets. And he holds his chopsticks different, and--"
"You don't have to be me," Inara said. "Just be yourself."
"Oh, please," Kaylee snorted. "Can't you tell me something helpful?"
A long time later, when Inara's hair was all brushed out, and they were resting together comfortably, Kaylee tried again. "You know, Simon's from Osiris. And a real rich family. Rich family like that, when a son turns however old, they-- or, you know, later, during medacad--"
Inara lifted her head from its comfortable resting place against Kaylee's shoulder. "Kaylee, don't," she said, warning.
"I'm just saying, you could go over there right now, put in his name, and you'd know. You'd know what he asked for, what he likes--"
Inara rose in a single smooth movement and opened the door to her shuttle. "You should go," she said.
***
"Zoe, how did you seduce Wash?"
Zoe straightened up from where she was bent over an inventory crate a little too fast, like maybe Kaylee had snuck up and startled her. No one ever snuck up on Zoe, though, so it must have been the question that surprised her. "Say again?"
"I said, how did you seduce Wash? What did you say?"
"Well, I distinctly remember saying, 'Washburne, you have worked my last nerve. I'm going to either sleep with you or kill you; which will it be?'"
"And that worked?"
"It got some okay results."
Kaylee could feel her shoulders slump. "I don't think that would work for me," she said, and sank down onto a crate.
Zoe gave her a long, serious, considering look. "No," she finally said. "I think Wash knows I can kill him a lot easier than you can."
"No! Zoe, I didn't mean-- I swear--" But Zoe was laughing hard, under that ruthless straight face, so Kaylee gave in and laughed with her.
She expected Zoe to say something else. "You don't have to be me," or, "Just be yourself," or, "I'm sure whatever you do will be fine," or something equally unhelpful and infuriating. Instead, Zoe just handed her the second inventory pad, and Kaylee went to work.
***
River flipped over three of her playing pieces and sat back on her heels, hair falling over her face. "Your turn," she said.
"River..." Kaylee reached out and fiddled with a piece of her own. "Did Simon ever go on... dates, back when, you know..."
River fixed her with that disconcerting stare. "Osiris has two hundred and fourteen days in a year. Which dates are you asking about?"
"That's not what I meant," Kaylee said, and flipped her piece over quickly.
"Pretty farmer's daughter, all covered in grass stains," River said, quietly sing-song. "Fly so far but can't ever change what shows in the mirror."
"There's no need to get like that."
"You think I know what he sees when he looks at you." River made her move.
"I was hopin' so, yeah," Kaylee said, and moved without thinking about it.
"I don't. But I know what he sees when he looks at himself." River gave her a serene, otherworldly smile, turned her gaze back to the game, and scored thirty points.
***
Wash was on the bridge, even though they were parked in orbit. He felt about the bridge a little like she felt about the engine room, Kaylee knew. Right now he was spinning the pilot's chair in a lazy circle and playing with a yo-yo.
"Wash? Could I ask you something?"
He spun the pilot's chair around once more and came to a stop. "Is it my turn to be the advice-giver? Because I am great for sex advice."
"Yeah," Kaylee said. "Okay. So how do I seduce Simon?"
Wash flicked the yoyo at her and then spent a few seconds trying to get it back under control. "Well," he said, "you're about ninety-seven percent there already."
She perched on the control panel. "How do you figure?"
"Let me explain to you about men," Wash said, waving his hand grandly, yo-yo still attached. Kaylee ducked. "The key to seducing a man is to scare the go-se out of him. When I get scared, I make more and more bad jokes, so why my dear little pumpkin finally couldn't stand the puns any more, she gave me one last scare and then wham, I'm done for!"
"He's not scared of me," Kaylee said. "That's stupid. He just doesn't like me,"
"He's terrified of you. Like I said, you've got about three percent more to go before he reaches the point of complete incomprehensibility."
There didn't seem to be any harm in playing along. "And then what?"
"And then you give him one last scare and he's yours. Of course, Zoe's method of holding him at knifepoint might not work so well for you. You'll have to figure out what scares him. Maybe threaten to shred all his fancy waistcoats."
"Right," Kaylee said. "Well, thanks anyway."
***
She was most definitely not going to ask Jayne, who would probably only offer to solve her problem himself. That left nothing for it but to try Inara one more time. Kaylee stood in the doorway, flushed with shame, but when she managed to get out her apology, Inara enfolded her in a long, tight hug.
They settled on Inara's bed together, curled up tight. "Okay," Inara said, voice low and husky against her ear. "How can I help?"
"How do you do that with your voice?" Kaylee asked, first question that popped into her head. "I mean, you make it go all low. Like it's sex already."
"Don't think about low," Inara said. "You'll just sound forced. And don't think about whispering. Instead just murmur, like you're talking right into his ear, like this."
"But he won't be able to hear," Kaylee said, and Inara laughed.
"Who's the expert here?"
Kaylee turned her head impulsively and buried her face in Inara's hair to take a long, deep breath. "What else should I know?"
"You should know that men, even men like Simon -- no, especially men like Simon -- think completely differently about women they're paying for and women they're not. He's not going to be worried about getting his money's worth out of you. I swear it. He's going to be more worried about you getting what you want out of him."
"That still doesn't tell me what to do."
"What you're going to do is this. First, you're going to pick the place on the ship you feel the very most comfortable, and you're going to ask him to come to you there."
"Okay," Kaylee said, and twisted around a little in Inara's arms, listening intently.
"And before you have him join you, you're going to do a little choreography. Just get an image in your head of what you'd like to happen. That way, if he doesn't know what to do, you won't just stand there being uncertain; you'll have a plan. It'll make you feel more comfortable."
Kaylee tilted her head and dropped a kiss on Inara's mouth. "Helpful," she said, with her biggest smile, and Inara stroked her hair once and kissed back, soft and sure.
"Wait," Kaylee said, and frowned. "Are you mad about, you know, how I like men? Better, I mean?"
"I'm not going to be mad about something you don't have any control over."
"Still an' all. That wasn't very considerate."
"You go have your fun," Inara said, her smile slipping from understanding to mischievous as she nuzzled along the line of Kaylee's jaw. "I'm going to want to hear all the details."
***
Mal barged into the engine room with the theatrical flourish that said he was annoyed enough to be sarcastic but not mad enough to yell. "Kaylee, sweetie," he said. "I don't suppose there's any chance this ship'll fly sometime in the not-terribly-distant future? I'm starting to get a little itchy over here."
He was perfect. Only a little too tall, but that was all right. Better safe than sorry.
"Cap'n! Perfect. I need you." She caught him by the wrist and dragged him two steps farther into the room, then off to the side. He complied, looking vaguely bemused. "Stand there. Against that flat bit."
"Am I holding something up?" he asked. "Will my ship explode if I don't lean hard enough?"
"Nope." Kaylee stepped back, finger on her lips, to ponder. "I just need to know if you knock your head on the stabilization fin up there."
"I don't," Mal answered. "Now what the tyen shiao-duh are you doing?"
"Choreographin'."
"Choreo-what-ing?" Mal pushed himself off the wall (with a tiny flinch, like he was ready to throw himself back against it, just in case). "No. Never mind. How about you start choreo-fixingmyship-ing?"
"Oh, that's done," Kaylee said. "Weren't no problem, really, the fuel aerators just needed a little tweaking."
"So we can take off?"
"Yes, sir," Kaylee said, and started pacing off the narrow strip of floor next to life support. Probably long enough. Maybe she could ask Mal to come lie down.
On second thought, maybe not.
Mal paused at the door to the hall. "Choreographin'?" he said.
"Oh, yeah. Inara taught me that. She's real helpful, at least more'n the rest of you." Seeing the expression on his face, Kaylee quickly added, "You were real helpful too, Cap'n. Second-most!"
Mal turned and left.
***
(The plan's execution is here)
Kaylee's Planning
Kaylee/Simon (mentions of Kaylee/Inara and Zoe/Wash)
PG-13, 2100ish words.
Summary: Wherein Kaylee wants to get laid, Simon is intimidating, and the rest of the crew is unhelpful.
The best person to ask for advice on Serenity was generally Book. Generally. And it wasn't like Kaylee thought he would tell her she was sinning in particular (or not like she would care all that much if he did), but... there were some things it just seemed like a body shouldn't go to a Shepherd about.
Maybe she didn't need advice. Men and women had been doing this for a go tsao de long time, after all -- she had been doing it, as often as possible, for a fairly long time -- and surely it would work itself out. But then she passed Simon his bowl over dinner, brushing his hand as deliberately as she could, letting her thumb linger over the sensitive skin inside his wrist.
Simon jerked back like she'd burned him, almost dropped his bowl of reconstituted protein, stuttered something about needing to check on River, and left.
Kaylee needed advice.
***
So she asked Inara. They were sitting together, late into the evening, while Inara brushed those fancy oils and spices through Kaylee's hair. She almost didn't want to break the peace in the soft reddish candlelit glow of Inara's shuttle with thoughts of anyone else, but if anyone could help her, Inara could.
When she asked, Inara's hands went very still, warm on the curve of her neck under her hair. "I'm not sure I see the problem," Inara said at last. "Have you tried telling him?"
"It's no good," Kaylee answered. "He just don't want me."
Inara twisted her hair loosely and pinned it up on her head, in that way that made her feel beautiful and long-necked, but unbalanced too, top-heavy and precarious. Her fingers stroked down Kaylee's neck and over her shoulders, delicate and soothing.
"I don't think that's true. I think if you talk to him, you'll find that you don't need my help."
"He don't want me," Kaylee repeated, frustrated. "You can make anybody want you. Why can't you just, you know. Tell me what to do."
Inara stayed silent for a few more long minutes, stroking her fingers up Kaylee's neck, over her shoulders, along the hollows above her collar bones, until Kaylee at last relaxed back against her again.
"You're not a blushing virgin, Kaylee. I think we all know that. So why is he different?"
"I don't know what you mean."
"Why can't you just approach him, the way you could with anyone else? Why is this one tying you up in knots?"
Kaylee didn't think she knew the answer, or at least didn't think she could say it, not in a way Inara would understand. But something about Inara's fingers stroking (her throat, her jaw, up into her hair behind her ears...) made her blurt it out. "He has soft hands," she said.
Inara plucked the pin out of her hair and let it fall again, all at once, with a puff of air against her sensitized neck. "He has soft hands," she repeated, calm and uninflected and utterly unhelpful.
"Not like a woman's, you know, they're strong. But all soft." Kaylee twisted her hands together in her lap, self-conscious, and picked at a stubborn patch of engine grease she hadn't quite washed off.
"I see," Inara said, and then, "Switch."
When they had settled again, Inara in front of her this time, and Kaylee had sorted through all the little sweet and spicy bottles and started brushing Inara's hiar, Inara finally spoke again. "You'll find that he's not so different from any other man you've been with."
"Oh, please. I have eyes. And ears. His Chinese is better than mine. And he, he, he buys all these fancy books when we stop at markets. And he holds his chopsticks different, and--"
"You don't have to be me," Inara said. "Just be yourself."
"Oh, please," Kaylee snorted. "Can't you tell me something helpful?"
A long time later, when Inara's hair was all brushed out, and they were resting together comfortably, Kaylee tried again. "You know, Simon's from Osiris. And a real rich family. Rich family like that, when a son turns however old, they-- or, you know, later, during medacad--"
Inara lifted her head from its comfortable resting place against Kaylee's shoulder. "Kaylee, don't," she said, warning.
"I'm just saying, you could go over there right now, put in his name, and you'd know. You'd know what he asked for, what he likes--"
Inara rose in a single smooth movement and opened the door to her shuttle. "You should go," she said.
***
"Zoe, how did you seduce Wash?"
Zoe straightened up from where she was bent over an inventory crate a little too fast, like maybe Kaylee had snuck up and startled her. No one ever snuck up on Zoe, though, so it must have been the question that surprised her. "Say again?"
"I said, how did you seduce Wash? What did you say?"
"Well, I distinctly remember saying, 'Washburne, you have worked my last nerve. I'm going to either sleep with you or kill you; which will it be?'"
"And that worked?"
"It got some okay results."
Kaylee could feel her shoulders slump. "I don't think that would work for me," she said, and sank down onto a crate.
Zoe gave her a long, serious, considering look. "No," she finally said. "I think Wash knows I can kill him a lot easier than you can."
"No! Zoe, I didn't mean-- I swear--" But Zoe was laughing hard, under that ruthless straight face, so Kaylee gave in and laughed with her.
She expected Zoe to say something else. "You don't have to be me," or, "Just be yourself," or, "I'm sure whatever you do will be fine," or something equally unhelpful and infuriating. Instead, Zoe just handed her the second inventory pad, and Kaylee went to work.
***
River flipped over three of her playing pieces and sat back on her heels, hair falling over her face. "Your turn," she said.
"River..." Kaylee reached out and fiddled with a piece of her own. "Did Simon ever go on... dates, back when, you know..."
River fixed her with that disconcerting stare. "Osiris has two hundred and fourteen days in a year. Which dates are you asking about?"
"That's not what I meant," Kaylee said, and flipped her piece over quickly.
"Pretty farmer's daughter, all covered in grass stains," River said, quietly sing-song. "Fly so far but can't ever change what shows in the mirror."
"There's no need to get like that."
"You think I know what he sees when he looks at you." River made her move.
"I was hopin' so, yeah," Kaylee said, and moved without thinking about it.
"I don't. But I know what he sees when he looks at himself." River gave her a serene, otherworldly smile, turned her gaze back to the game, and scored thirty points.
***
Wash was on the bridge, even though they were parked in orbit. He felt about the bridge a little like she felt about the engine room, Kaylee knew. Right now he was spinning the pilot's chair in a lazy circle and playing with a yo-yo.
"Wash? Could I ask you something?"
He spun the pilot's chair around once more and came to a stop. "Is it my turn to be the advice-giver? Because I am great for sex advice."
"Yeah," Kaylee said. "Okay. So how do I seduce Simon?"
Wash flicked the yoyo at her and then spent a few seconds trying to get it back under control. "Well," he said, "you're about ninety-seven percent there already."
She perched on the control panel. "How do you figure?"
"Let me explain to you about men," Wash said, waving his hand grandly, yo-yo still attached. Kaylee ducked. "The key to seducing a man is to scare the go-se out of him. When I get scared, I make more and more bad jokes, so why my dear little pumpkin finally couldn't stand the puns any more, she gave me one last scare and then wham, I'm done for!"
"He's not scared of me," Kaylee said. "That's stupid. He just doesn't like me,"
"He's terrified of you. Like I said, you've got about three percent more to go before he reaches the point of complete incomprehensibility."
There didn't seem to be any harm in playing along. "And then what?"
"And then you give him one last scare and he's yours. Of course, Zoe's method of holding him at knifepoint might not work so well for you. You'll have to figure out what scares him. Maybe threaten to shred all his fancy waistcoats."
"Right," Kaylee said. "Well, thanks anyway."
***
She was most definitely not going to ask Jayne, who would probably only offer to solve her problem himself. That left nothing for it but to try Inara one more time. Kaylee stood in the doorway, flushed with shame, but when she managed to get out her apology, Inara enfolded her in a long, tight hug.
They settled on Inara's bed together, curled up tight. "Okay," Inara said, voice low and husky against her ear. "How can I help?"
"How do you do that with your voice?" Kaylee asked, first question that popped into her head. "I mean, you make it go all low. Like it's sex already."
"Don't think about low," Inara said. "You'll just sound forced. And don't think about whispering. Instead just murmur, like you're talking right into his ear, like this."
"But he won't be able to hear," Kaylee said, and Inara laughed.
"Who's the expert here?"
Kaylee turned her head impulsively and buried her face in Inara's hair to take a long, deep breath. "What else should I know?"
"You should know that men, even men like Simon -- no, especially men like Simon -- think completely differently about women they're paying for and women they're not. He's not going to be worried about getting his money's worth out of you. I swear it. He's going to be more worried about you getting what you want out of him."
"That still doesn't tell me what to do."
"What you're going to do is this. First, you're going to pick the place on the ship you feel the very most comfortable, and you're going to ask him to come to you there."
"Okay," Kaylee said, and twisted around a little in Inara's arms, listening intently.
"And before you have him join you, you're going to do a little choreography. Just get an image in your head of what you'd like to happen. That way, if he doesn't know what to do, you won't just stand there being uncertain; you'll have a plan. It'll make you feel more comfortable."
Kaylee tilted her head and dropped a kiss on Inara's mouth. "Helpful," she said, with her biggest smile, and Inara stroked her hair once and kissed back, soft and sure.
"Wait," Kaylee said, and frowned. "Are you mad about, you know, how I like men? Better, I mean?"
"I'm not going to be mad about something you don't have any control over."
"Still an' all. That wasn't very considerate."
"You go have your fun," Inara said, her smile slipping from understanding to mischievous as she nuzzled along the line of Kaylee's jaw. "I'm going to want to hear all the details."
***
Mal barged into the engine room with the theatrical flourish that said he was annoyed enough to be sarcastic but not mad enough to yell. "Kaylee, sweetie," he said. "I don't suppose there's any chance this ship'll fly sometime in the not-terribly-distant future? I'm starting to get a little itchy over here."
He was perfect. Only a little too tall, but that was all right. Better safe than sorry.
"Cap'n! Perfect. I need you." She caught him by the wrist and dragged him two steps farther into the room, then off to the side. He complied, looking vaguely bemused. "Stand there. Against that flat bit."
"Am I holding something up?" he asked. "Will my ship explode if I don't lean hard enough?"
"Nope." Kaylee stepped back, finger on her lips, to ponder. "I just need to know if you knock your head on the stabilization fin up there."
"I don't," Mal answered. "Now what the tyen shiao-duh are you doing?"
"Choreographin'."
"Choreo-what-ing?" Mal pushed himself off the wall (with a tiny flinch, like he was ready to throw himself back against it, just in case). "No. Never mind. How about you start choreo-fixingmyship-ing?"
"Oh, that's done," Kaylee said. "Weren't no problem, really, the fuel aerators just needed a little tweaking."
"So we can take off?"
"Yes, sir," Kaylee said, and started pacing off the narrow strip of floor next to life support. Probably long enough. Maybe she could ask Mal to come lie down.
On second thought, maybe not.
Mal paused at the door to the hall. "Choreographin'?" he said.
"Oh, yeah. Inara taught me that. She's real helpful, at least more'n the rest of you." Seeing the expression on his face, Kaylee quickly added, "You were real helpful too, Cap'n. Second-most!"
Mal turned and left.
***
(The plan's execution is here)