Brain Dump, Thanks everyone
Heya this is Shane I know I have said a millon times now that I would update my Lj on a more frequent basis but I haven't so sorry about that. I will be moveing soon everyone the big day is Jan 4th and I will be going out to Morganfield Kentucky and going to school prolly won't be back for the next 2 or three years. I was reading Lj's witch I have been keeping up with. And I heard a lot of talk about Dieing from the inside, and that got me thinking about myself and family, And I look back and I can say my whole family my Grandma, my Great Aunt, My other Great Aunt, My Grandpa, and everyone that has died that I have ever known in the family was dead inside before they died. I mean yeah most died of diseases or bodily failure but I can say they were all dead before they actually died. My grandma who was my mom was married to a child molester although she did not know it till much later she eventually left him and then moved in with her mom my great grandma who beat her as a child, My grandma had 2 kids at the time my mom Barbera and my Aunt Rhonda, well she had back problems but managed to work as A playground Aid at a Elementary School well her back problems got the best of her and she had to quit and live off the pay of her Mom a measly $5 a hour for a family of 4. Anyway the whole time she lived there she was under the constant mental abuse of my great grandma telling her she was useless, Telling her she never did anything ever that she was just lazy and constantly threating to throw her and her 2 kids out on the street whenever she did not do everything that my great grandma wanted her to do in all regards she was my great grandmas slave. Anyway When her 2 daughters grew up and moved out her Eldest daughter my mom Barbera was shall I say the city whore it started with my Father Mickey he was a friend of hers that lived down the street from us and she got bored one night so she went and snogged him. Well first time the charm I come into exsistence nine months later. within like 2 to three years she she had 2 other children none of whitch had the same father and in both instances there were more than 4 dif guys that could have been the father and neither group had any of the same members so that was 8 guys just there that she knows of she has admited allready she had been drunken a lot of the time so there could be a lot more that might be their fathers and she gave all of us to my grandma to raise and take care of, she gave me up right after birth not more than a couple of days after my birth (and I was born a premature baby with many many problems) she took off to Callifornia to follow her current boyfriend. not to mention the time she took off I was still a coin toss if I was going to live or not. Anyway she gave my sister to my grandma like 3 months after birth and my baby bro to my grandma after 1 year and she was with a mentally unstable guy ast the time and had him take care of him. Well anyway so theres my grandma after haveing a horibly hard life of her own now haveing to take care of three new kids, and during the raiseing of us she still had to go through the same stuff with my great grandma that she did before but now my grandma would pull shit of downing my grandma for letting us be such brats but the moment she ever punished us my great grandma would not allow it, Well anyways then came the beatings from my great grandma....... Anyway My grandma started turning to self distructive behavior it started as small stuff at first she would go downstairs every night to do laundrey and not come up till 5 or six the next morning. Well before she went to church and did activitys and crafts and what not well she gave up everything one thing at a time and got into the habbit of staying at home for first days at a time nothing but food laundrey and laying in a recliner then weeks at a time then months and finally cept to take us where we had to be never left the house. Had she been in better physical condition I am sure she would have turned to self mutilation. Well she eventually died of unknown cancer but she had given up fully beofre that.
My great aunt went through life dirt poor eventually had to live with her daughter who we think beat her and made her live in a room with nothing but a small matrerss and piles of dog poop all over the floor and we also think that when she got so bad she couldn't move to much she lived in her own poop.
Everyone else i mentioned lived the same sorta life begging for death in the end only a shell of what they once were.
Now here I am and finding so many similarities in my life and theres, I cut myself a couple of times I went to deep once stuck a 5 inch knife to the handle in my leg, I have tried suicde many times droped a taoster in the tub only reason I am here is I blew every fuse in the house, then I tried death bye cutting Almost was able to do it several times but my Boy Scout training gets the better of me and I get real panicky and dress the wound real well actually even went as far as to give myself stiches one time, then I tried hanging came close then to but the only thing high enough and sturdy enough to hold me or so I thought was the gas pipe that came in the house through the basement, So I used that and it ended breaking after I passed out. Anyway then I tried pills ended takeing over 82 500milgram asperin and only do to sheer luck my heart did not explode it sure felt like it though, Well with all of that and how I feel I know I am dieing inside I have been for a long time and I feel so close to the edge now I feel like the guy at the edge of the cliff feeling the ground give way beneath him where he feels the slightest breeze will send him toppleing over the edge into the foaming ocean.
All I want in life is a other that will understand what I am going through and will be there for me. settle down in a small home garden out back flowers everywhere a large strong mighty oak tree I always wanted one of those you know those huge ones you can put a swing in or climb into their branches and just listen to the wind rustle their leaves to here them talk to be able to listen as few do these days. Heh I would need a place for my hawk. I want to come home after work and see my world in front of me to lay my head next to most important person in my world. Have a few kids don't matter if there mine or not for that matter sex really doesn't matter to me in general. I just want a small place I can be always open to radiate whats in my heart to go through the tuff things and the easy things to just give my heart a chance to go where it wants to be happy. But I am not ggod with girls for the most part never been the looker and knowone ever wants to take the chance with me so my world in my mind crumbles the earth withers my tree dies my walls crumble and the wind dies leaveing my world to fester like a cancer that kills. Thats how I die a little at a time. I don't need a love at first sight love like that dies as fast as it burns like lighting pine needles with a great burst of flame light and sound they burn brillanly for a few seconds then waft into smoke I want to build my relationship let the love in my heart stir up love let it slowly build and grown till I have a steady roarinf fire that will last all my life and beyond thats how soul mates should be, but sadly I think I will never get a chance like that my shyness gets in the way and those I really like get signals crossed as normal friendship thingys and then I get the love you as a brother speech......
I know lots of people have problems commiting or allowing love to ther heart but I have to much whitch is about as bad as can be because it hurts so bad because most people who only love what they trust don't get hurt s often as people like me who try to radiate it off of me. I used open when I was a child then I went through some really bad stuff father leaveing Mother treating me like shit then my the beatings and to top it all off for 3 years I was raped by a guy at church I was so open with my love and so being hurt by those I cared for I let what I thought was love in but it wasn't it was a perveted lust I guess.......He was like a big bro then he did things......I was afraid for my life for 3 years cause he said he would do things if I said anything but anyway he ended up moveing away and I have never heard from him or anything since. That closed me up for years but then I met people that opened up my heart again Mary and a few others one of whitch almost shut me up again when he betryed me by getting me involved in a murder plot whitch I had to put a stop to.
Anyway i feel on the edge only a promiss and a opertunity keep me here but I don't know what I should do I just wanted to also thank everyone who has ever helped me through any of my problems Mary, Piper, and David I haven't actually talked to much with you David or you Piper but for what it is worth you have both helped me to get over some things I needed you guys and I know you could both have said I don't know you screw off but you listened and both gave me advice and I thank you from the bottom of my heart You guys mean a lot. And You Mary I might have been a bit bitch Lately but don't ever think there is any hate for you in my heart because that is quite the opisite anyway Feel free to Comment or any sugestions cause thats why I share with you all anyway Love to all and a very Merry New Years Love everyone,
Love,
Shane Alan Cremeans
My great aunt went through life dirt poor eventually had to live with her daughter who we think beat her and made her live in a room with nothing but a small matrerss and piles of dog poop all over the floor and we also think that when she got so bad she couldn't move to much she lived in her own poop.
Everyone else i mentioned lived the same sorta life begging for death in the end only a shell of what they once were.
Now here I am and finding so many similarities in my life and theres, I cut myself a couple of times I went to deep once stuck a 5 inch knife to the handle in my leg, I have tried suicde many times droped a taoster in the tub only reason I am here is I blew every fuse in the house, then I tried death bye cutting Almost was able to do it several times but my Boy Scout training gets the better of me and I get real panicky and dress the wound real well actually even went as far as to give myself stiches one time, then I tried hanging came close then to but the only thing high enough and sturdy enough to hold me or so I thought was the gas pipe that came in the house through the basement, So I used that and it ended breaking after I passed out. Anyway then I tried pills ended takeing over 82 500milgram asperin and only do to sheer luck my heart did not explode it sure felt like it though, Well with all of that and how I feel I know I am dieing inside I have been for a long time and I feel so close to the edge now I feel like the guy at the edge of the cliff feeling the ground give way beneath him where he feels the slightest breeze will send him toppleing over the edge into the foaming ocean.
All I want in life is a other that will understand what I am going through and will be there for me. settle down in a small home garden out back flowers everywhere a large strong mighty oak tree I always wanted one of those you know those huge ones you can put a swing in or climb into their branches and just listen to the wind rustle their leaves to here them talk to be able to listen as few do these days. Heh I would need a place for my hawk. I want to come home after work and see my world in front of me to lay my head next to most important person in my world. Have a few kids don't matter if there mine or not for that matter sex really doesn't matter to me in general. I just want a small place I can be always open to radiate whats in my heart to go through the tuff things and the easy things to just give my heart a chance to go where it wants to be happy. But I am not ggod with girls for the most part never been the looker and knowone ever wants to take the chance with me so my world in my mind crumbles the earth withers my tree dies my walls crumble and the wind dies leaveing my world to fester like a cancer that kills. Thats how I die a little at a time. I don't need a love at first sight love like that dies as fast as it burns like lighting pine needles with a great burst of flame light and sound they burn brillanly for a few seconds then waft into smoke I want to build my relationship let the love in my heart stir up love let it slowly build and grown till I have a steady roarinf fire that will last all my life and beyond thats how soul mates should be, but sadly I think I will never get a chance like that my shyness gets in the way and those I really like get signals crossed as normal friendship thingys and then I get the love you as a brother speech......
I know lots of people have problems commiting or allowing love to ther heart but I have to much whitch is about as bad as can be because it hurts so bad because most people who only love what they trust don't get hurt s often as people like me who try to radiate it off of me. I used open when I was a child then I went through some really bad stuff father leaveing Mother treating me like shit then my the beatings and to top it all off for 3 years I was raped by a guy at church I was so open with my love and so being hurt by those I cared for I let what I thought was love in but it wasn't it was a perveted lust I guess.......He was like a big bro then he did things......I was afraid for my life for 3 years cause he said he would do things if I said anything but anyway he ended up moveing away and I have never heard from him or anything since. That closed me up for years but then I met people that opened up my heart again Mary and a few others one of whitch almost shut me up again when he betryed me by getting me involved in a murder plot whitch I had to put a stop to.
Anyway i feel on the edge only a promiss and a opertunity keep me here but I don't know what I should do I just wanted to also thank everyone who has ever helped me through any of my problems Mary, Piper, and David I haven't actually talked to much with you David or you Piper but for what it is worth you have both helped me to get over some things I needed you guys and I know you could both have said I don't know you screw off but you listened and both gave me advice and I thank you from the bottom of my heart You guys mean a lot. And You Mary I might have been a bit bitch Lately but don't ever think there is any hate for you in my heart because that is quite the opisite anyway Feel free to Comment or any sugestions cause thats why I share with you all anyway Love to all and a very Merry New Years Love everyone,
Love,
Shane Alan Cremeans