So many emotions
I have no outlet for the torrent of emotion tearing through me, so I turn to livejournal. The chronicle of my failure of romance. I thought I had met my mate, my partner in this adventure. Overnight it went from wedding plans to him determining me the most dispicable human on the earth. Him showing up to an event he knows is close to my family, that he swore to me he wouldn't attend, when a good part of the reason I can't be there centers on him, is just another huge slap in the face. How did I not know what a huge fucking liar he was for over a year? Am I so gullible, so desperate for love that I am blinded? Am I attracted to fucking con men? 32 years old, and I feel like I'm back in Highschool listening to Mike Carr tell me that our entire relationship was for "shits and giggles". 16 years later, and I haven't gotten any better at seeing through the lies. It makes me sad, mad, frustrated, lonely and bitter. It makes me want to break crockery, cry and scream at the sky. Then I feel a fool, to let such a rotten excuse of a human make me feel that way. I played by the rules. I was honest. I bared my soul. I laid everything out on the table. I trusted enough to love. He kept secrets, lied and manipulated. "Tested" my worthiness, tried to mold me into his ideal of a woman instead of accepting me for who I am. All the while saying what he knew I wanted to hear with a smile on his face, professing love and support and planning a future together. He knew from our first date that he thought my dreams were ridiculous. What kind of person lies about something so important for a year and a half? I feel betrayed. Again. So much betrayal in my past. What is it that I can not see? Why is it so easy to hurt me? Ugh. I'm too upset.