Two and a Half Men # 6: The Attack of the Alan
Title: The Attack of the Alan
Word Count: 2,000
Rating: PG-13
Summary: There is an Alan on the loose.
Author's notes: Written as a birthday gift for cremebunny who is awesome and deserves all the lubs. Also written for hd_fluff's prompt for this month: Crop Circles
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. This was written for fun, not profit.
“If you have any questions at all, just call my cell.”
“I’ll do that.”
“In fact, I’ll call you. You know, just to check in.”
“I’ll keep the floo open.”
“And if he misses me or he cries or anything, let me know at once. I’ll drop everything and come back. They can have Ron make the stupid speech. I’ll...”
“For Merlin’s sake, Harry,” Draco groaned. “We’re going out for two hours. I think he’ll survive.”
Harry scowled disapprovingly at his boyfriend, then turned back to a smiling Luna. “Thank you for babysitting,” he said. “We really appreciate it.”
“Oh, it’s really no problem,” Luna replied easily. “He’s the sweetest little thing. Aren’t you, darling?”
“No,” Scorpius replied firmly. For a little boy who was being abandoned for two whole hours, he was handling himself remarkably well. Harry stared down at his baby with an agonized expression and knelt beside him, stroking Scorpius’ hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I’m just a phone call away, Blondie,” he murmured. “If you need me at all, just tell Auntie Luna and I’ll be here. Just say the word, yeah?”
“Kay, Arry.”
Harry whimpered and pulled him on for a quick snuggle, lavishing the tiny blond with kisses. “I’m going to miss you, baby.”
Draco rolled his eyes and stepped in, physically prying his boyfriend off his son. He ruffled Scorpius’ hair and pressed a quick kiss to his head. “You be good now, okay? We’ll be home soon.”
“Kay, Fadder.”
“That’s my boy,” Draco smiled. He nodded at Luna. “Thank you again, Luna. You’re really helping us out here.”
“It’s nothing, Draco,” she insisted. “You go on and enjoy the Ministry Ball. We’ll have a great time here.”
“We’ll do that,” Draco agreed. Then he sighed and gestured helplessly at Harry who was still smothering a protesting Scorpius in kisses. “Assuming of course that I can get him there without an emotional meltdown.”
It took the combined efforts of Draco, Luna and Scorpius (No, Arry!) but Harry finally conceded to hand over his precious baby to Luna for the next two hours. She smiled and waved goodbye as Draco finally managed to shove his boyfriend out the door.
“Now then,” she said, turning to Scorpius. “What do you want to do?”
****
And so, the mystery continues. Countless questions, no answers. Where do these mysterious crop circles come from? What is their purpose? A teenager’s prank? Or a message from another world? Find out next week in…
“Well, that was educational,” Luna murmured as she switched off the telly. Beside her, Scorpius blinked in surprise as the shiny screen suddenly went blank. He gaped at Luna as if she’d committed the foulest sacrilege.
“No!” the little blond protested, reaching over her for the remote.
Luna laughed and ruffled his hair as he banged it on the sofa arm petulantly, trying to instill a spirit of cooperation within the belligerent device. “But it’s over, honey,” she placated. “We can watch it next time. Who knows, maybe we’ll see the alien visitors.”
Scorpius’ eyes widened exponentially and he abandoned the remote. “Alans?” he squeaked.
Luna nodded solemnly. “Yes. I do hope they don’t destroy our planet. They can be quite tetchy this time of year.”
Scorpius gasped in horror and bolted for his room.
****
“That took longer than I thought,” Harry muttered as he entered the flat. Luna greeted them with a smile. “Did you two have a nice evening?” she asked.
“Wonderful,” Draco smirked, shrugging off his cloak. “You should have heard Harry’s speech. Very inspiring.”
“Shut it, you,” Harry mumbled, giving him a light shove. The whole event had been ridiculously uncomfortable as far as he was concerned. People coming over and shaking hands and asking him to take pictures with them...Harry would much rather be home with his family. Speaking of which…
“How did Scorpius do?” he asked Luna. “He wasn’t scared, was he? Did he cry?”
“He was just fine,” Luna replied patiently. “We watched a little television and then he went to his room. I tucked him in an hour ago.”
“See?” Draco said. “Everything’s okay. And to think I spent the whole evening dragging you away from the floo line…”
“One quick check in wouldn’t have hurt,” Harry grumbled. Still, if everything was fine...he shook his head and smiled at his friend. “Thank you, Luna. Do you need me to see you home or…”
“Not at all,” Luna replied, heading for the floo. “The Humdingers will make sure I don’t get lost. You boys take care now.” One dash of floo powder and she was gone.
Draco grinned in the silence, sensing an opportunity for teasing. He had taken the time to learn Harry’s speech word for word, just for this moment.
“And thus we enter a new era,” he intoned solemnly, deepening his voice for effect. “Built on the principles of courage, sacrifice and tolerance, we stand together. One people…”
“Quit it,” Harry snapped.
“One world. One family.”
“Draco, I’m warning you...”
“May Merlin watch over you, now and forever!”
“That does it!” Harry growled. He pounced on the laughing blond and tackled him, landing on the couch in a crumpled heap. Draco was still laughing, his eyes glinting with unrestrained mirth. Harry took a moment to appreciate the picture he made, all tousled hair and bright eyes and flushed skin. Even when he was laughing at his expense, Draco managed to look drop dead gorgeous. He was still laughing, the great prat. And Harry could think of only one way to shut him up.
Draco’s smile dissolved into a moan of appreciation as Harry swooped down and captured his lips. His hands wound their way into Draco’s hair, gripping the fine strands as he held him in place. Draco shivered in his arms. This was certainly one of the perks of getting Harry all riled up. Coherent thought left him as he gave himself up to the bruising, passionate kiss. Harry lunged in one more time before breaking away, staring down at him with dark eyes.
“Prat,” he scolded. “I know you do it on purpose.”
Draco grinned slyly. “Do you plan to punish me?”
Harry arched an eyebrow. “I could be persuaded,” he replied, nipping at his boyfriend’s lip. Then he eased himself off of Draco with a grin. “But I want to check on Scorpius first. Then I’ll take care of you.”
“Promises promises,” Draco grumbled. But he followed Harry to Scorpius’ room without protest. He crept in cautiously, heeding the turned out lights and smiled to himself at the sight of Harry stroking his son’s hair gently.
“Arry?” Scorpius mumbled sleepily.
“Hey baby,” Harry murmured. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go to sleep.”
“No,” Scorpius whimpered, sitting up. Draco frowned as he noticed that his son was sniffling slightly. Concerned, he made his way over and placed a calming, firm hand on Scorpius’ back. “What’s the matter, my prince?” he asked softly. Scorpius turned to him and clambered into Draco’s lap, hiding in his chest. Harry exchanged a concerned look with Draco. “Scorpius?” he prodded gently. “What’s the matter, baby? Did you have a bad dream?”
Scorpius shook his head, still snuggling into Draco. Draco wrapped his arms around the child, rocking him gently. “What’s the matter then?”
Scorpius stared up at him with huge, scared eyes. “Alan,” he whispered, before burrowing into Draco again. Draco blinked, utterly flummoxed.
“Why is our son afraid of this Alan bloke?” he asked Harry. Scorpius whined at the mention of the dreaded Alan and wrapped himself firmly around his father. “No Alan,” he mumbled fretfully. “No no no!”
“Okay, okay,” Harry soothed, patting his back. “Don’t worry, Blondie. This...Alan isn’t here, okay?”
Apparently, Scorpius disagreed. He glowered at the adults who just refused to see reason and pointed at the closet. Draco groaned. “Oh for Merlin’s…”
Harry cast a quick Alohomora. “See?” he announced as the closet flew open. “It’s empty.”
“No.”
“I promise there’s no one here, Blondie. You believe Harry, don’t you?”
“No.”
“We won’t get anything out of him tonight,” Draco muttered. He turned back to his son, nudging his forehead with his own. “Would you feel better if you slept in our bed?”
“Kay.”
“Well, that’s that then,” Harry sighed. They exchanged commiserating looks over the tiny blond’s head. Their planned night of revelry would have to wait until Scorpius felt better. Draco groaned. Being a parent was hard, pun intended.
“Come on then,” he sighed. “Let’s all go to sleep.”
****
The Alan mystery continued for another week, until it was fortuitously solved in the very place it had started.
It was movie night. Draco gasped as the alien predator crept up on the unsuspecting woman hiding behind a tree. He clenched at his cushion and Harry smirked, sensing an opportunity. He swung a courteous arm around Draco’s shoulders. “Don’t be scared, love. I’ll protect you,” he crooned. Draco mumbled something about not being scared by a silly movie but he curled into Harry’s shoulder quite willingly.
Meanwhile, the predator crept closer. Draco tensed and even Harry held his breath. Then when they were least expecting it, a shrill screech rang out- scaring at least twenty years off their respective lives.
“ALAN!”
Draco yelped and Harry squawked, turning about just in time to see Scorpius dive between them. They gaped at the small shivering figure crouched under the couch cushion and understanding dawned.
“Oh. Alien.”
****
“Scorpius, I promise,” Draco repeated for the tenth time. “There’s no such thing as aliens.”
A blond head poked out of the make-shift cushion fort. Scorpius blinked suspiciously at his father. “No?”
Harry frowned. “Don’t tell him that,” he admonished. “There could be.”
Draco scowled at him. “Maybe,” he gritted. “But that’s hardly what he needs to hear right now. Especially if you want our bedroom back,” he added snidely. Scorpius’ nightly expeditions to their bedroom were taking a toll on his sleep and his sex life and Draco wasn’t particularly enjoying it. His son was a kicker.
Harry shook his head. “I’m not going to lie to him,” he declared firmly. He placed a gentle hand on Scorpius’ head, petting the small boy and pulling him into his lap. “Thing is, Blondie, we don’t really know if aliens exist,” he explained. “There could be, or maybe not. What you need to understand is, they’re not bad.”
“If you haven’t seen any, how do you know?” Draco grumbled.
“Do you want your bedroom back?” Harry asked archly. Draco subsided and he turned back to Scorpius. “We can’t judge them before we meet them,” he smiled, shucking the little blond’s chin. “Okay?”
“Kay,” Scorpius mumbled.
Harry smirked at Draco. “See? Wasn’t that much easier than lying to him about…”
The alien predator in the movie chose this exact moment to lunge out from the bushes and clamp one of it’s several tentacles around the unsuspecting teenage girl. Shrieks filled the air and Scorpius took one look at the carnage before bursting into tears, burrowing into Harry’s shoulder as he howled. Draco gave him a flat look.
“You were saying?”
Harry sighed in defeat as he soothed the sobbing blond. “I’ll call Luna in the morning.”
****
Luna smiled affectionately at the sulky little boy seated on the couch and settled down beside him. “Now sweetie, your Daddies say you’re scared of aliens.”
“Alan bad,” Scorpius mumbled belligerently. “And yucky.” Clearly, he was highly displeased by the lack of seriousness this situation was being dealt with. Luna patted his cheek sympathetically. “I know you got scared by the movie. But you know, in real life aliens aren’t very different from us. They’re just like people. Some are good and some are bad.”
“Good?”
“Some of them,” Luna agreed. “The point is, you shouldn’t be afraid of them. They’re probably just as scared of you. Do you understand?”
Scorpius deliberated on that for a few minutes, before deciding that it made sense. “Kay, Luna.”
“That’s my brave boy,” she cooed. “Just remember, all aliens aren’t bad. Just like all people aren’t bad.”
“Kay.”
Luna nodded seriously. “Nargles however, are a different story.”
****
Later that night, Draco sighed wearily at the blond head settled on his stomach. Scorpius had decided that sleeping vertically was for losers and was now lying on top of them, with his head on Draco and his feet tucked somewhere under Harry’s neck. “You’re sure you don’t want to sleep in your bed?” he asked his son hopefully.
“No,” Scorpius replied firmly, grabbing hold of his pyjama bottoms. “Naggles.”
Next to him, Harry sighed wearily and flopped down on his pillows. The next second, he grunted in pain as Scorpius’ foot got him right in the ribs. Draco gave him a dark look before settling down for another sexless night.
“Next time,” he declared firmly. “We’re asking Pansy to babysit.”
Next: Blonds vs. Blond
Word Count: 2,000
Rating: PG-13
Summary: There is an Alan on the loose.
Author's notes: Written as a birthday gift for cremebunny who is awesome and deserves all the lubs. Also written for hd_fluff's prompt for this month: Crop Circles
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. This was written for fun, not profit.
“If you have any questions at all, just call my cell.”
“I’ll do that.”
“In fact, I’ll call you. You know, just to check in.”
“I’ll keep the floo open.”
“And if he misses me or he cries or anything, let me know at once. I’ll drop everything and come back. They can have Ron make the stupid speech. I’ll...”
“For Merlin’s sake, Harry,” Draco groaned. “We’re going out for two hours. I think he’ll survive.”
Harry scowled disapprovingly at his boyfriend, then turned back to a smiling Luna. “Thank you for babysitting,” he said. “We really appreciate it.”
“Oh, it’s really no problem,” Luna replied easily. “He’s the sweetest little thing. Aren’t you, darling?”
“No,” Scorpius replied firmly. For a little boy who was being abandoned for two whole hours, he was handling himself remarkably well. Harry stared down at his baby with an agonized expression and knelt beside him, stroking Scorpius’ hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I’m just a phone call away, Blondie,” he murmured. “If you need me at all, just tell Auntie Luna and I’ll be here. Just say the word, yeah?”
“Kay, Arry.”
Harry whimpered and pulled him on for a quick snuggle, lavishing the tiny blond with kisses. “I’m going to miss you, baby.”
Draco rolled his eyes and stepped in, physically prying his boyfriend off his son. He ruffled Scorpius’ hair and pressed a quick kiss to his head. “You be good now, okay? We’ll be home soon.”
“Kay, Fadder.”
“That’s my boy,” Draco smiled. He nodded at Luna. “Thank you again, Luna. You’re really helping us out here.”
“It’s nothing, Draco,” she insisted. “You go on and enjoy the Ministry Ball. We’ll have a great time here.”
“We’ll do that,” Draco agreed. Then he sighed and gestured helplessly at Harry who was still smothering a protesting Scorpius in kisses. “Assuming of course that I can get him there without an emotional meltdown.”
It took the combined efforts of Draco, Luna and Scorpius (No, Arry!) but Harry finally conceded to hand over his precious baby to Luna for the next two hours. She smiled and waved goodbye as Draco finally managed to shove his boyfriend out the door.
“Now then,” she said, turning to Scorpius. “What do you want to do?”
****
And so, the mystery continues. Countless questions, no answers. Where do these mysterious crop circles come from? What is their purpose? A teenager’s prank? Or a message from another world? Find out next week in…
“Well, that was educational,” Luna murmured as she switched off the telly. Beside her, Scorpius blinked in surprise as the shiny screen suddenly went blank. He gaped at Luna as if she’d committed the foulest sacrilege.
“No!” the little blond protested, reaching over her for the remote.
Luna laughed and ruffled his hair as he banged it on the sofa arm petulantly, trying to instill a spirit of cooperation within the belligerent device. “But it’s over, honey,” she placated. “We can watch it next time. Who knows, maybe we’ll see the alien visitors.”
Scorpius’ eyes widened exponentially and he abandoned the remote. “Alans?” he squeaked.
Luna nodded solemnly. “Yes. I do hope they don’t destroy our planet. They can be quite tetchy this time of year.”
Scorpius gasped in horror and bolted for his room.
****
“That took longer than I thought,” Harry muttered as he entered the flat. Luna greeted them with a smile. “Did you two have a nice evening?” she asked.
“Wonderful,” Draco smirked, shrugging off his cloak. “You should have heard Harry’s speech. Very inspiring.”
“Shut it, you,” Harry mumbled, giving him a light shove. The whole event had been ridiculously uncomfortable as far as he was concerned. People coming over and shaking hands and asking him to take pictures with them...Harry would much rather be home with his family. Speaking of which…
“How did Scorpius do?” he asked Luna. “He wasn’t scared, was he? Did he cry?”
“He was just fine,” Luna replied patiently. “We watched a little television and then he went to his room. I tucked him in an hour ago.”
“See?” Draco said. “Everything’s okay. And to think I spent the whole evening dragging you away from the floo line…”
“One quick check in wouldn’t have hurt,” Harry grumbled. Still, if everything was fine...he shook his head and smiled at his friend. “Thank you, Luna. Do you need me to see you home or…”
“Not at all,” Luna replied, heading for the floo. “The Humdingers will make sure I don’t get lost. You boys take care now.” One dash of floo powder and she was gone.
Draco grinned in the silence, sensing an opportunity for teasing. He had taken the time to learn Harry’s speech word for word, just for this moment.
“And thus we enter a new era,” he intoned solemnly, deepening his voice for effect. “Built on the principles of courage, sacrifice and tolerance, we stand together. One people…”
“Quit it,” Harry snapped.
“One world. One family.”
“Draco, I’m warning you...”
“May Merlin watch over you, now and forever!”
“That does it!” Harry growled. He pounced on the laughing blond and tackled him, landing on the couch in a crumpled heap. Draco was still laughing, his eyes glinting with unrestrained mirth. Harry took a moment to appreciate the picture he made, all tousled hair and bright eyes and flushed skin. Even when he was laughing at his expense, Draco managed to look drop dead gorgeous. He was still laughing, the great prat. And Harry could think of only one way to shut him up.
Draco’s smile dissolved into a moan of appreciation as Harry swooped down and captured his lips. His hands wound their way into Draco’s hair, gripping the fine strands as he held him in place. Draco shivered in his arms. This was certainly one of the perks of getting Harry all riled up. Coherent thought left him as he gave himself up to the bruising, passionate kiss. Harry lunged in one more time before breaking away, staring down at him with dark eyes.
“Prat,” he scolded. “I know you do it on purpose.”
Draco grinned slyly. “Do you plan to punish me?”
Harry arched an eyebrow. “I could be persuaded,” he replied, nipping at his boyfriend’s lip. Then he eased himself off of Draco with a grin. “But I want to check on Scorpius first. Then I’ll take care of you.”
“Promises promises,” Draco grumbled. But he followed Harry to Scorpius’ room without protest. He crept in cautiously, heeding the turned out lights and smiled to himself at the sight of Harry stroking his son’s hair gently.
“Arry?” Scorpius mumbled sleepily.
“Hey baby,” Harry murmured. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go to sleep.”
“No,” Scorpius whimpered, sitting up. Draco frowned as he noticed that his son was sniffling slightly. Concerned, he made his way over and placed a calming, firm hand on Scorpius’ back. “What’s the matter, my prince?” he asked softly. Scorpius turned to him and clambered into Draco’s lap, hiding in his chest. Harry exchanged a concerned look with Draco. “Scorpius?” he prodded gently. “What’s the matter, baby? Did you have a bad dream?”
Scorpius shook his head, still snuggling into Draco. Draco wrapped his arms around the child, rocking him gently. “What’s the matter then?”
Scorpius stared up at him with huge, scared eyes. “Alan,” he whispered, before burrowing into Draco again. Draco blinked, utterly flummoxed.
“Why is our son afraid of this Alan bloke?” he asked Harry. Scorpius whined at the mention of the dreaded Alan and wrapped himself firmly around his father. “No Alan,” he mumbled fretfully. “No no no!”
“Okay, okay,” Harry soothed, patting his back. “Don’t worry, Blondie. This...Alan isn’t here, okay?”
Apparently, Scorpius disagreed. He glowered at the adults who just refused to see reason and pointed at the closet. Draco groaned. “Oh for Merlin’s…”
Harry cast a quick Alohomora. “See?” he announced as the closet flew open. “It’s empty.”
“No.”
“I promise there’s no one here, Blondie. You believe Harry, don’t you?”
“No.”
“We won’t get anything out of him tonight,” Draco muttered. He turned back to his son, nudging his forehead with his own. “Would you feel better if you slept in our bed?”
“Kay.”
“Well, that’s that then,” Harry sighed. They exchanged commiserating looks over the tiny blond’s head. Their planned night of revelry would have to wait until Scorpius felt better. Draco groaned. Being a parent was hard, pun intended.
“Come on then,” he sighed. “Let’s all go to sleep.”
****
The Alan mystery continued for another week, until it was fortuitously solved in the very place it had started.
It was movie night. Draco gasped as the alien predator crept up on the unsuspecting woman hiding behind a tree. He clenched at his cushion and Harry smirked, sensing an opportunity. He swung a courteous arm around Draco’s shoulders. “Don’t be scared, love. I’ll protect you,” he crooned. Draco mumbled something about not being scared by a silly movie but he curled into Harry’s shoulder quite willingly.
Meanwhile, the predator crept closer. Draco tensed and even Harry held his breath. Then when they were least expecting it, a shrill screech rang out- scaring at least twenty years off their respective lives.
“ALAN!”
Draco yelped and Harry squawked, turning about just in time to see Scorpius dive between them. They gaped at the small shivering figure crouched under the couch cushion and understanding dawned.
“Oh. Alien.”
****
“Scorpius, I promise,” Draco repeated for the tenth time. “There’s no such thing as aliens.”
A blond head poked out of the make-shift cushion fort. Scorpius blinked suspiciously at his father. “No?”
Harry frowned. “Don’t tell him that,” he admonished. “There could be.”
Draco scowled at him. “Maybe,” he gritted. “But that’s hardly what he needs to hear right now. Especially if you want our bedroom back,” he added snidely. Scorpius’ nightly expeditions to their bedroom were taking a toll on his sleep and his sex life and Draco wasn’t particularly enjoying it. His son was a kicker.
Harry shook his head. “I’m not going to lie to him,” he declared firmly. He placed a gentle hand on Scorpius’ head, petting the small boy and pulling him into his lap. “Thing is, Blondie, we don’t really know if aliens exist,” he explained. “There could be, or maybe not. What you need to understand is, they’re not bad.”
“If you haven’t seen any, how do you know?” Draco grumbled.
“Do you want your bedroom back?” Harry asked archly. Draco subsided and he turned back to Scorpius. “We can’t judge them before we meet them,” he smiled, shucking the little blond’s chin. “Okay?”
“Kay,” Scorpius mumbled.
Harry smirked at Draco. “See? Wasn’t that much easier than lying to him about…”
The alien predator in the movie chose this exact moment to lunge out from the bushes and clamp one of it’s several tentacles around the unsuspecting teenage girl. Shrieks filled the air and Scorpius took one look at the carnage before bursting into tears, burrowing into Harry’s shoulder as he howled. Draco gave him a flat look.
“You were saying?”
Harry sighed in defeat as he soothed the sobbing blond. “I’ll call Luna in the morning.”
****
Luna smiled affectionately at the sulky little boy seated on the couch and settled down beside him. “Now sweetie, your Daddies say you’re scared of aliens.”
“Alan bad,” Scorpius mumbled belligerently. “And yucky.” Clearly, he was highly displeased by the lack of seriousness this situation was being dealt with. Luna patted his cheek sympathetically. “I know you got scared by the movie. But you know, in real life aliens aren’t very different from us. They’re just like people. Some are good and some are bad.”
“Good?”
“Some of them,” Luna agreed. “The point is, you shouldn’t be afraid of them. They’re probably just as scared of you. Do you understand?”
Scorpius deliberated on that for a few minutes, before deciding that it made sense. “Kay, Luna.”
“That’s my brave boy,” she cooed. “Just remember, all aliens aren’t bad. Just like all people aren’t bad.”
“Kay.”
Luna nodded seriously. “Nargles however, are a different story.”
****
Later that night, Draco sighed wearily at the blond head settled on his stomach. Scorpius had decided that sleeping vertically was for losers and was now lying on top of them, with his head on Draco and his feet tucked somewhere under Harry’s neck. “You’re sure you don’t want to sleep in your bed?” he asked his son hopefully.
“No,” Scorpius replied firmly, grabbing hold of his pyjama bottoms. “Naggles.”
Next to him, Harry sighed wearily and flopped down on his pillows. The next second, he grunted in pain as Scorpius’ foot got him right in the ribs. Draco gave him a dark look before settling down for another sexless night.
“Next time,” he declared firmly. “We’re asking Pansy to babysit.”
Next: Blonds vs. Blond