Harry Potter Totally Sucks #2
Title: And They Have A Plan
Rating: PG 13
Characters: Draco, Dudley, Theo, Piers
Word Count: 900
Summary: Dudley and Draco choose their victims.
Author's notes: Part 2 of the Harry Potter Totally Sucks Verse
Disclaimer: I am obviously just playing around. I do not own Harry Potter.
“Y’know what I hate most ‘bout, Potter?” Draco demanded, swirling an empty beer bottle around. It crashed to the floor and he blinked at it before remembering that he was in the middle of one of the most scintillating conversations of his life. “His hair,” he finished triumphantly. “His stupid, stupid hair.”
“S not as bad as the glasses,” Dudley remarked sagely. “Broke ‘em a couple times an’ he kept fixing ‘em somehow. Stupid Potter.”
“Stupid Potter,” Draco agreed. Then he frowned at Dudley. “You shouldn’ break his glasses. Tha’s mean. He could…could fall off the flyin’ staircase or somethin’!”
“Woulda apologised if he stuck around for five minutes,” Dudley muttered. “Stupid Potter.”
“Stupid, stupid Potter!” Draco agreed vehemently. The clinked their glasses together and downed a very questionable cocktail each. Theo and Piers blinked dazedly over their own drinks. “I…must be more pissed than I thought,” Theo articulated carefully. “I can swear they’re both talking about the same Potter.”
“Just go with it, mate,” Piers muttered. “Here, have another beer.”
“I don’t drink that muggle swill,” Theo sneered.
“Ya know what I hate more than Potter?! Nothing!”
“Give me the beer,” Theo muttered, snatching it up from a smirking Piers.
Suddenly, Draco slammed his fist on the table. “You guys!” he shrilled. Piers jumped, Theo started and Dudley just blinked dazedly. “I thought of someone I hate more ‘n Potter!” His cheeks were flushed and his grey eyes were way too bright for this to be good. The small company regarded him expectantly. “My Father!” Draco announced smugly. “He’s the worst! To my fucking Father,” he added, raising a glass.
“No way he’s got anything on my old man,” Dudley countered abruptly. “He’s the absolute worst!”
Draco halted mid toast and frowned, recognizing a challenge when he saw one. “My Father threw me out of the house ‘cause I’m bent,” he sneered.
Dudley waved him off dismissively. “My Dad doesn’ like me to make my own decisions.”
Draco’s lip curled and he leaned in aggressively. “Mine beats house elves.”
Dudley blinked, apparently trying to assess that. “Mine…hates lawn gnomes?”
“Mine kills people!”
“Mine evades taxes!”
“My head hurts,” Piers declared.
“Jus’ go with it,” Theo slurred, patting his back in a commiserating fashion. Piers shrugged and slumped on his shoulder as Draco and Dudley glowered at each other. Draco’s eyes narrowed and Dudley’s fists clenched. The atmosphere crackled with tension of the worst sort, until Draco huffed and slumped back in his chair. “Truce,” he declared.
“Huh?” Dudley blinked. Clearly, he’d been gearing up for a fight.
“We shouldn’ get mad at each other ‘cause of our fathers,” Draco declared. “Or Potter.” He leaned in and patted Dudley’s huge hand, regarding him with serious grey eyes. “Don’ cha understand, muggle? We need to stick together.”
Dudley frowned, trying to make sense of that. “Guess yer right,” he acceded. “Not our fault they screwed us over. We should be mad at them.”
“Damn right!” Draco agreed stoutly.
“We should go tell ‘em off!” Dudley declared suddenly. His brown eyes glinted with drunken determination. “Our fathers!” he clarified as Draco frowned. The blond blinked, processed that and decided that he really, really liked this muggle.
“We should!” he sneered. “And Potter too!”
“And Potter!” Dudley echoed enthusiastically.
“And the hippogriff!”
“And the…wait, what now?”
“The hippogriff!” Draco retorted, gesturing impatiently. “You know! Demon bird from the depths of hell that lives on pain and misery an’ the screams of small children? A hippogriff!”
Dudley’s eyes gleamed with the light of understanding. “I know exactly where to find one!” he declared.
“Then what’re we waiting for?” Draco demanded, getting up and teetering slightly before steadying himself. “Lead the way, ya magnificent muggle!”
They upset a table as they stumbled out of the bar. The crash woke Theo and he got up, blinking around blearily. Piers started to wakefulness next to him. “Where’d they go?” he demanded.
“I dunno,” Theo slurred. “But we should… prolly go after ‘em.”
“We should,” Piers agreed, making no move to get up. He blinked slowly at Theo. “Beer first?”
Theo’s mouth stretched in a sloppy, benevolent grin. “I’s startin’ to like you, muggle. A lot.”
Chapter 3: Target 1 Acquired
*cross-posted at harrydraco here*
Rating: PG 13
Characters: Draco, Dudley, Theo, Piers
Word Count: 900
Summary: Dudley and Draco choose their victims.
Author's notes: Part 2 of the Harry Potter Totally Sucks Verse
Disclaimer: I am obviously just playing around. I do not own Harry Potter.
“Y’know what I hate most ‘bout, Potter?” Draco demanded, swirling an empty beer bottle around. It crashed to the floor and he blinked at it before remembering that he was in the middle of one of the most scintillating conversations of his life. “His hair,” he finished triumphantly. “His stupid, stupid hair.”
“S not as bad as the glasses,” Dudley remarked sagely. “Broke ‘em a couple times an’ he kept fixing ‘em somehow. Stupid Potter.”
“Stupid Potter,” Draco agreed. Then he frowned at Dudley. “You shouldn’ break his glasses. Tha’s mean. He could…could fall off the flyin’ staircase or somethin’!”
“Woulda apologised if he stuck around for five minutes,” Dudley muttered. “Stupid Potter.”
“Stupid, stupid Potter!” Draco agreed vehemently. The clinked their glasses together and downed a very questionable cocktail each. Theo and Piers blinked dazedly over their own drinks. “I…must be more pissed than I thought,” Theo articulated carefully. “I can swear they’re both talking about the same Potter.”
“Just go with it, mate,” Piers muttered. “Here, have another beer.”
“I don’t drink that muggle swill,” Theo sneered.
“Ya know what I hate more than Potter?! Nothing!”
“Give me the beer,” Theo muttered, snatching it up from a smirking Piers.
Suddenly, Draco slammed his fist on the table. “You guys!” he shrilled. Piers jumped, Theo started and Dudley just blinked dazedly. “I thought of someone I hate more ‘n Potter!” His cheeks were flushed and his grey eyes were way too bright for this to be good. The small company regarded him expectantly. “My Father!” Draco announced smugly. “He’s the worst! To my fucking Father,” he added, raising a glass.
“No way he’s got anything on my old man,” Dudley countered abruptly. “He’s the absolute worst!”
Draco halted mid toast and frowned, recognizing a challenge when he saw one. “My Father threw me out of the house ‘cause I’m bent,” he sneered.
Dudley waved him off dismissively. “My Dad doesn’ like me to make my own decisions.”
Draco’s lip curled and he leaned in aggressively. “Mine beats house elves.”
Dudley blinked, apparently trying to assess that. “Mine…hates lawn gnomes?”
“Mine kills people!”
“Mine evades taxes!”
“My head hurts,” Piers declared.
“Jus’ go with it,” Theo slurred, patting his back in a commiserating fashion. Piers shrugged and slumped on his shoulder as Draco and Dudley glowered at each other. Draco’s eyes narrowed and Dudley’s fists clenched. The atmosphere crackled with tension of the worst sort, until Draco huffed and slumped back in his chair. “Truce,” he declared.
“Huh?” Dudley blinked. Clearly, he’d been gearing up for a fight.
“We shouldn’ get mad at each other ‘cause of our fathers,” Draco declared. “Or Potter.” He leaned in and patted Dudley’s huge hand, regarding him with serious grey eyes. “Don’ cha understand, muggle? We need to stick together.”
Dudley frowned, trying to make sense of that. “Guess yer right,” he acceded. “Not our fault they screwed us over. We should be mad at them.”
“Damn right!” Draco agreed stoutly.
“We should go tell ‘em off!” Dudley declared suddenly. His brown eyes glinted with drunken determination. “Our fathers!” he clarified as Draco frowned. The blond blinked, processed that and decided that he really, really liked this muggle.
“We should!” he sneered. “And Potter too!”
“And Potter!” Dudley echoed enthusiastically.
“And the hippogriff!”
“And the…wait, what now?”
“The hippogriff!” Draco retorted, gesturing impatiently. “You know! Demon bird from the depths of hell that lives on pain and misery an’ the screams of small children? A hippogriff!”
Dudley’s eyes gleamed with the light of understanding. “I know exactly where to find one!” he declared.
“Then what’re we waiting for?” Draco demanded, getting up and teetering slightly before steadying himself. “Lead the way, ya magnificent muggle!”
They upset a table as they stumbled out of the bar. The crash woke Theo and he got up, blinking around blearily. Piers started to wakefulness next to him. “Where’d they go?” he demanded.
“I dunno,” Theo slurred. “But we should… prolly go after ‘em.”
“We should,” Piers agreed, making no move to get up. He blinked slowly at Theo. “Beer first?”
Theo’s mouth stretched in a sloppy, benevolent grin. “I’s startin’ to like you, muggle. A lot.”
Chapter 3: Target 1 Acquired
*cross-posted at harrydraco here*