Stupidity and Moonshine: Twenty Questions
‘Not that I object,’ Ellen continued, ‘but when did this turn into a game of twenty questions regarding who’s frakking who?’
As promised.
Standard disclaimers apply; all characters remain the property of RD Moore et al. Hilarity, however, is all mine. Seriously, don't read unless you've seen Season Three. You will not be happy if you do, and Season Three is one of the things I love most in the world. I'd hate to spoil that for you.
To recap: Laura has challenged Ellen to a drinking contest despite Kara's best efforts. They are getting drunk, Kara is drinking water (and freaking out) and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Part One, Stupidity and Moonshine: Under and Actual Moon No Less
http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/1441.html, is here.
Part Two, Stupidity and Moonshine: Secrets and Cylons
http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/2417.html
Part Three, Twenty Questions, follows.
In hopes it makes you laugh...
‘Now that’s a game we should play.’ Laura filled Ellen’s glass, and holding her own up, she indicated that they should do the shot together. ‘Zarek?’
Both women did the shot and Ellen re-filled the glasses.
‘I’m thinking it would be so hot. He’s still hot and then there’s all that pent up stuff from those years in prison…It’d be hot. Hot, fast and hard.’
Laura did a bit of a grimace but conceded, ‘He is charismatic, I’ll give you that. And still hot. I would have liked to have seen pictures from when he was young, before he went to prison. I’m pretty sure he was gorgeous, if only a little bit pretty.’
‘Nothing wrong with pretty.’
Laura shrugged. ‘Occasionally.’
She filled the glasses again as Ellen asked, ‘Cottle?’
This time Laura definitely grimaced.
‘Ok, now I need the shot.’
Swallowing the moonshine, she leaned back slightly, the only indication Kara had so far that the booze was starting to hit her. ‘The man’s my doctor.’
‘Laura, he’s everybody’s doctor.’
‘Yeah, but he’s my doctor. Remember, all the time I spent in Sickbay? Not to mention all the needles and the treatments and the shots? Half of them he insisted had to go in my ass.’
Ellen waggled her eyebrows.
Laura smirked. ‘Not as fun as it sounds. Plus, he has the worst bed-side manner, ever. And does he ever take that smouldering weed out of his mouth? Eww.’
‘Still kinda hot,’ Ellen interjected.
‘Do you think every man is hot?’
‘Point, but still, he is.’
‘Ok, yes, but…no. Just no.’
Laura filled the glasses again, the smirk on her face the only warning.
'Gaius Baltar.’
Both women shuddered, therefore completely missing Kara’s wince of dismay.
‘Attractive, maybe, in a way, but something tells me he’s the worst in bed.’
You’ve no idea, Laura. She winced again. Of course, it doesn’t help if you call out Lee’s name while Baltar’s frakking you. Opps.
Sleeping with Baltar was the beginning of her really messing her relationship with Lee, and she still couldn’t think of that night without wincing. What was I thinking?!? Oh, yeah, I wasn’t frakking thinking, I was just doing the first thing I could think of to make sure I didn’t actually sleep with Lee and mess everything up. She grimaced.
Well, that went well.
Ellen tried not to giggle as she responded to Laura.
‘Yes, I thought he might be interesting when I first met him that night after Bill’s dinner party, but really, he is so full of himself.’
‘And strange.’
‘And strange. Really, really strange.’
They giggled. This time, Ellen filled the glasses. ‘Felix Geeta.’
It was Laura’s turn to do a spit take. ‘Lieutenant Geeta? No! He’s like twelve.’
Ellen smirked. ‘I could teach him some things.’
‘I bet you could, but still. No.’
‘Ok, last one. Helo.’
‘Helo, Helo?’
‘Helo. Lieutenant Agathon. Helo.’
‘Hmm.’
Both women took a moment to consider, and from the looks of their faces, Kara knew they were picturing things she’d rather not think about.
‘I would climb him like a mother-frakking tree.’
‘Why, Laura Roslin!’
‘He would drive me nuts after five minutes, but if we’re talking just sex…’
‘Just sex.’
‘Like a mother-frakking tree.’
Ellen sighed. ‘Mmm.’
Suddenly, they both turned to look at Starbuck and she wanted to crawl under the table.
‘What?!’
‘Well,’ Laura pushed. ‘You’ve known him forever, right? Did you or didn’t you? And if so - ’
‘Definitely, if so.’
‘ - spill.’
The two older women spoke as one as they swiveled to stare at Kara. She struggled not to panic.
‘No!!! No, no, no, no! Friends, remember? Best friends! No, no, no!’
‘Really?! How could you not have tapped that? Just once?’
‘Ellen!’
‘Ok, fine. Then just describe him with his shirt off.’
‘And his pants.’
‘And his pants.’
‘Yeah, give us that much.’
Dear frakking Lords of Kobol! These two were going to kill her.
‘No!’
‘Spoilsport,’ Ellen sulked as she poured the next shot. ‘Still your turn.’
‘Then I’m back to the original question. You and Bill. I have to say I’m surprised it hasn’t come up; haven’t the three of you known each other since you met Saul? What’s that been, like decades?’
‘No, Laura, it has not been decades.’
Laura giggled.
‘I’m not saying that I haven’t hinted to Saul from time to time that I might have, or that Bill might have hit on me - ’
Kara did another spit take.
Laura just smiled. ‘Can’t see that.’
‘Nope, he never did.’ She sat back reflectively. ‘But anyway, I would never actually - just eww.’
Laura leaned in just as Kara was about to go full-tilt in defending the Admiral. Sure, he was like a father to her, but hearing Ellen dismiss him like that - really? I mean, he was still really viri - Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! That was it - Handsome! - for an old guy. She shuddered.
Laura beat her to it.
‘Come on, the man’s smokin’ hot.’
And it looked like this conversation was heading in a direction Kara really didn’t like. Where were the frakking earplugs when I need them?
‘Really? Come on, Laura, of course you have to think that, you’re dying to do the mambo with him. I just prefer my men a little less…stoic, and a little more…lean.’
‘You do like ‘em skinny.’
‘Ripped. I like ‘em ripped.’
Laura giggled. ‘Hence, Apollo.’
‘Now there’s an Adama I could get to know better, if you know what I mean.’
‘Oh, we all know what you mean.’
‘His arms are almost as nice as Kara’s new husband’s.’
‘Sam’s arms are really nice, Kara.’
‘They really are. I told you. Ballplayers.’
Oh dear gods, what did I do to frakking deserve this?
‘Also,’ here Laura paused to wink at Kara, ‘his cheekbones are quite spectacular.’
She looked over to Ellen who had finally lost it and was laughing uncontrollably. ‘I added that one just for you, even though it is true.’
‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘I guess it would be rude to more thoroughly discuss Sam’s physique in front of his new bride, right?’
‘Probably.’
‘Also to dig for details from her as to how hot he is bed?’
‘Also rude, yes.’
‘Well, I’m nothing if not a lady, Laura. Anyway, yes, if I was trying on an Adama for size, Lee would be my choice.’
‘There’s something to be said for experience.’
‘There’s something to be said for vigor.’
‘Oh, I’m sure neither of them lack, vigor.’
Oh dear gods… Frakking Lords of Kobol, please hear my prayers…
‘Kara, feel free to jump in here any time to support me regarding Lee’s…vigor.’
‘Not really here right now,just sitting here in this corner, pretending that I’m in a whole different frakking galaxy and that this whole conversation is not frakking happening.’
Both of the older women laughed.
‘Kara’s having a difficult time right now.’
‘Clearly.’
‘Clearly. Look, Apollo’s very nice. And only slightly adorable - ’
‘That’s not the word I would use.’
‘- He’s got the eyes, and the cheekbones - ’
‘ - and the rock-hard abs and the biceps and the ass - ’
‘- yes, yes, we’ve established the ass. But… Bill Adama is just frakking fine. Have you not seen the shoulders? Have you not seen the shoulders? The eyes? Plus, his smile should be illegal, though he it rarely comes out.' She smirked. 'When he smiles I start searching for nearby isolated areas.’
‘Really, Laura? It’s the smile you focus on? Somehow I doubt that.’
‘Plus the voice. Now, when he lowers his voice, I give up on isolated areas and just concentrate on horizontal ones.’
It was at this point that Kara decided she should just zone out of the conversation. The easiest thing would have been to call it a night, but she couldn’t. Besides the fact that the Old Man would kill her for leaving Laura drinking alone with Ellen, Kara wasn’t one to leave her wingman behind. Even in situations where I’d rather stuff my ears with tylium and light them on frakkin’ fire. Laura had done her a solid by coming here tonight, and Kara believed in seeing it through.
‘Laura, you’re crazy. Clearly sexual frustration has affected you. Wait, I’m not imagining the frustration part, am I? ‘Cause if I am, I want to know who.’
Laura laughed. ‘No, no one. Meanwhile, I stand by it. Mmmm. Bill Adama. Frakking hot. Besides, when it comes to men, sometimes you need a little heft…’
Laura was the midst of making an inappropriate motion with her hands to emphasize her point, but glancing at Kara out of the corner of her eye, she decided against it. She giggled, and demurely returned her hands to their folded position in her lap.
Ellen smirked. ‘Heft?’
‘Yes, heft. Just in general, and also, you know, in case he’s got you jammed up, say, against the bulkhead and your legs are wrapped - ’
‘FRAK!’ Kara cut it off right there. ‘Frakking give. Give. GIVE! Talk about something else! Anything frakking else!’
Ellen and Laura exchanged a laughing look before Ellen topped them both up and they drank as one.
Kara sighed in relief. She had not expected two of the strongest women she knew to spend twenty minutes treating Lee and the Admiral like potential frakking sex toys. The fact that she was extremely close, (or had been, at least), to both of the men in question made her want to bang her head against the table.
Thank the gods my tent is far enough away from the frakking neighbors; if word got back to them... Apollo and the Old Man were the two highest ranked officers of the Fleet, the commanders of the last battlestars, the most powerful weapons the Twelve Colonies had ever seen. In addition, despite their stoic demeanors they were by definition Bad Ass Mother Frakkers.
And if they heard of this conversation, their heads would explode.
‘All right, Laura, think it’s my turn.’
‘To be honest, I can’t remember, so I’ll take your word on it.’ She leaned over and filled Ellen’s glass.
Kara wasn’t sure if she was praying for a miracle or just whining…
Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods…
As promised.
Standard disclaimers apply; all characters remain the property of RD Moore et al. Hilarity, however, is all mine. Seriously, don't read unless you've seen Season Three. You will not be happy if you do, and Season Three is one of the things I love most in the world. I'd hate to spoil that for you.
To recap: Laura has challenged Ellen to a drinking contest despite Kara's best efforts. They are getting drunk, Kara is drinking water (and freaking out) and I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Part One, Stupidity and Moonshine: Under and Actual Moon No Less
http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/1441.html, is here.
Part Two, Stupidity and Moonshine: Secrets and Cylons
http://dr-roslin.livejournal.com/2417.html
Part Three, Twenty Questions, follows.
In hopes it makes you laugh...
‘Now that’s a game we should play.’ Laura filled Ellen’s glass, and holding her own up, she indicated that they should do the shot together. ‘Zarek?’
Both women did the shot and Ellen re-filled the glasses.
‘I’m thinking it would be so hot. He’s still hot and then there’s all that pent up stuff from those years in prison…It’d be hot. Hot, fast and hard.’
Laura did a bit of a grimace but conceded, ‘He is charismatic, I’ll give you that. And still hot. I would have liked to have seen pictures from when he was young, before he went to prison. I’m pretty sure he was gorgeous, if only a little bit pretty.’
‘Nothing wrong with pretty.’
Laura shrugged. ‘Occasionally.’
She filled the glasses again as Ellen asked, ‘Cottle?’
This time Laura definitely grimaced.
‘Ok, now I need the shot.’
Swallowing the moonshine, she leaned back slightly, the only indication Kara had so far that the booze was starting to hit her. ‘The man’s my doctor.’
‘Laura, he’s everybody’s doctor.’
‘Yeah, but he’s my doctor. Remember, all the time I spent in Sickbay? Not to mention all the needles and the treatments and the shots? Half of them he insisted had to go in my ass.’
Ellen waggled her eyebrows.
Laura smirked. ‘Not as fun as it sounds. Plus, he has the worst bed-side manner, ever. And does he ever take that smouldering weed out of his mouth? Eww.’
‘Still kinda hot,’ Ellen interjected.
‘Do you think every man is hot?’
‘Point, but still, he is.’
‘Ok, yes, but…no. Just no.’
Laura filled the glasses again, the smirk on her face the only warning.
'Gaius Baltar.’
Both women shuddered, therefore completely missing Kara’s wince of dismay.
‘Attractive, maybe, in a way, but something tells me he’s the worst in bed.’
You’ve no idea, Laura. She winced again. Of course, it doesn’t help if you call out Lee’s name while Baltar’s frakking you. Opps.
Sleeping with Baltar was the beginning of her really messing her relationship with Lee, and she still couldn’t think of that night without wincing. What was I thinking?!? Oh, yeah, I wasn’t frakking thinking, I was just doing the first thing I could think of to make sure I didn’t actually sleep with Lee and mess everything up. She grimaced.
Well, that went well.
Ellen tried not to giggle as she responded to Laura.
‘Yes, I thought he might be interesting when I first met him that night after Bill’s dinner party, but really, he is so full of himself.’
‘And strange.’
‘And strange. Really, really strange.’
They giggled. This time, Ellen filled the glasses. ‘Felix Geeta.’
It was Laura’s turn to do a spit take. ‘Lieutenant Geeta? No! He’s like twelve.’
Ellen smirked. ‘I could teach him some things.’
‘I bet you could, but still. No.’
‘Ok, last one. Helo.’
‘Helo, Helo?’
‘Helo. Lieutenant Agathon. Helo.’
‘Hmm.’
Both women took a moment to consider, and from the looks of their faces, Kara knew they were picturing things she’d rather not think about.
‘I would climb him like a mother-frakking tree.’
‘Why, Laura Roslin!’
‘He would drive me nuts after five minutes, but if we’re talking just sex…’
‘Just sex.’
‘Like a mother-frakking tree.’
Ellen sighed. ‘Mmm.’
Suddenly, they both turned to look at Starbuck and she wanted to crawl under the table.
‘What?!’
‘Well,’ Laura pushed. ‘You’ve known him forever, right? Did you or didn’t you? And if so - ’
‘Definitely, if so.’
‘ - spill.’
The two older women spoke as one as they swiveled to stare at Kara. She struggled not to panic.
‘No!!! No, no, no, no! Friends, remember? Best friends! No, no, no!’
‘Really?! How could you not have tapped that? Just once?’
‘Ellen!’
‘Ok, fine. Then just describe him with his shirt off.’
‘And his pants.’
‘And his pants.’
‘Yeah, give us that much.’
Dear frakking Lords of Kobol! These two were going to kill her.
‘No!’
‘Spoilsport,’ Ellen sulked as she poured the next shot. ‘Still your turn.’
‘Then I’m back to the original question. You and Bill. I have to say I’m surprised it hasn’t come up; haven’t the three of you known each other since you met Saul? What’s that been, like decades?’
‘No, Laura, it has not been decades.’
Laura giggled.
‘I’m not saying that I haven’t hinted to Saul from time to time that I might have, or that Bill might have hit on me - ’
Kara did another spit take.
Laura just smiled. ‘Can’t see that.’
‘Nope, he never did.’ She sat back reflectively. ‘But anyway, I would never actually - just eww.’
Laura leaned in just as Kara was about to go full-tilt in defending the Admiral. Sure, he was like a father to her, but hearing Ellen dismiss him like that - really? I mean, he was still really viri - Handsome! Handsome! Handsome! That was it - Handsome! - for an old guy. She shuddered.
Laura beat her to it.
‘Come on, the man’s smokin’ hot.’
And it looked like this conversation was heading in a direction Kara really didn’t like. Where were the frakking earplugs when I need them?
‘Really? Come on, Laura, of course you have to think that, you’re dying to do the mambo with him. I just prefer my men a little less…stoic, and a little more…lean.’
‘You do like ‘em skinny.’
‘Ripped. I like ‘em ripped.’
Laura giggled. ‘Hence, Apollo.’
‘Now there’s an Adama I could get to know better, if you know what I mean.’
‘Oh, we all know what you mean.’
‘His arms are almost as nice as Kara’s new husband’s.’
‘Sam’s arms are really nice, Kara.’
‘They really are. I told you. Ballplayers.’
Oh dear gods, what did I do to frakking deserve this?
‘Also,’ here Laura paused to wink at Kara, ‘his cheekbones are quite spectacular.’
She looked over to Ellen who had finally lost it and was laughing uncontrollably. ‘I added that one just for you, even though it is true.’
‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘I guess it would be rude to more thoroughly discuss Sam’s physique in front of his new bride, right?’
‘Probably.’
‘Also to dig for details from her as to how hot he is bed?’
‘Also rude, yes.’
‘Well, I’m nothing if not a lady, Laura. Anyway, yes, if I was trying on an Adama for size, Lee would be my choice.’
‘There’s something to be said for experience.’
‘There’s something to be said for vigor.’
‘Oh, I’m sure neither of them lack, vigor.’
Oh dear gods… Frakking Lords of Kobol, please hear my prayers…
‘Kara, feel free to jump in here any time to support me regarding Lee’s…vigor.’
‘Not really here right now,just sitting here in this corner, pretending that I’m in a whole different frakking galaxy and that this whole conversation is not frakking happening.’
Both of the older women laughed.
‘Kara’s having a difficult time right now.’
‘Clearly.’
‘Clearly. Look, Apollo’s very nice. And only slightly adorable - ’
‘That’s not the word I would use.’
‘- He’s got the eyes, and the cheekbones - ’
‘ - and the rock-hard abs and the biceps and the ass - ’
‘- yes, yes, we’ve established the ass. But… Bill Adama is just frakking fine. Have you not seen the shoulders? Have you not seen the shoulders? The eyes? Plus, his smile should be illegal, though he it rarely comes out.' She smirked. 'When he smiles I start searching for nearby isolated areas.’
‘Really, Laura? It’s the smile you focus on? Somehow I doubt that.’
‘Plus the voice. Now, when he lowers his voice, I give up on isolated areas and just concentrate on horizontal ones.’
It was at this point that Kara decided she should just zone out of the conversation. The easiest thing would have been to call it a night, but she couldn’t. Besides the fact that the Old Man would kill her for leaving Laura drinking alone with Ellen, Kara wasn’t one to leave her wingman behind. Even in situations where I’d rather stuff my ears with tylium and light them on frakkin’ fire. Laura had done her a solid by coming here tonight, and Kara believed in seeing it through.
‘Laura, you’re crazy. Clearly sexual frustration has affected you. Wait, I’m not imagining the frustration part, am I? ‘Cause if I am, I want to know who.’
Laura laughed. ‘No, no one. Meanwhile, I stand by it. Mmmm. Bill Adama. Frakking hot. Besides, when it comes to men, sometimes you need a little heft…’
Laura was the midst of making an inappropriate motion with her hands to emphasize her point, but glancing at Kara out of the corner of her eye, she decided against it. She giggled, and demurely returned her hands to their folded position in her lap.
Ellen smirked. ‘Heft?’
‘Yes, heft. Just in general, and also, you know, in case he’s got you jammed up, say, against the bulkhead and your legs are wrapped - ’
‘FRAK!’ Kara cut it off right there. ‘Frakking give. Give. GIVE! Talk about something else! Anything frakking else!’
Ellen and Laura exchanged a laughing look before Ellen topped them both up and they drank as one.
Kara sighed in relief. She had not expected two of the strongest women she knew to spend twenty minutes treating Lee and the Admiral like potential frakking sex toys. The fact that she was extremely close, (or had been, at least), to both of the men in question made her want to bang her head against the table.
Thank the gods my tent is far enough away from the frakking neighbors; if word got back to them... Apollo and the Old Man were the two highest ranked officers of the Fleet, the commanders of the last battlestars, the most powerful weapons the Twelve Colonies had ever seen. In addition, despite their stoic demeanors they were by definition Bad Ass Mother Frakkers.
And if they heard of this conversation, their heads would explode.
‘All right, Laura, think it’s my turn.’
‘To be honest, I can’t remember, so I’ll take your word on it.’ She leaned over and filled Ellen’s glass.
Kara wasn’t sure if she was praying for a miracle or just whining…
Oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods, oh gods…