Part 2
FF Hey, guys!
Zevon Hey, Farrah. Where's Mikey? I thought he was your date.
FF He's back in his little cabana watching all the news about himself. Look at this place! It's like the Oscars or something.
DNA ...or something.
FF Anyway, I met someone on my way here who was really sweet and really awesome, so I invited him along tonight. He'll be here any minute. So how are you guys!
HPL meh.
FF Oh, Mr. frowny horse-face-man...what's wrong?
Zevon We had a visit from his arch nemesis.
FF Oh! That's so nice. How is your sister?
HPL What?
DNA Just roll with it, Howard. He's absolutely in love with this delightful woman, Eartha, but she's with this man named Orson who is...well...a bit of a dick.
HPL The ire he raises in my heart burns like an anal fissure.
Zevon Ouch.
FF Aww, Howard. Does she know how you feel?
HPL I believe the sonnet I wrote was sufficient to express my intentions. If not, then the opera I've composed with the assistance of Mr. Zevon and Lennon will make my feelings clearer than the dreams of the eldritch guardians.
DNA Yes, Farrah, she knows. But she is from Heaven whereas we humble souls are trapped at the edge of the abyss.
FF Oh, two star-crossed lovers from different worlds, denied their heart's desires...oh I know that well.
Zevon See? You're not alone.
FF I was in a Lifetime Original Movie like that. I played an uptight career woman at an investment firm who falls in love with a small town auto mechanic who nearly loses his shop to the bank. It was a fun film to do.
BM HEY EVERYBODY! HI FARRAH! IS THIS OUR TABLE?!
FF Hey, Billy. Yep! Billy, this is Doug. That's Warren and this is Howard.
DNA Pleased to meet you...
BM BILLY MAYS HERE, AND I'M REALLY PLEASED TO BE HERE WITH YOU AT THIS FUNCTION!
DNA O dear. That's an impressive level of enthusiasm, there, William.
Zevon Nice to meet you, Billy. Do me a favor: if this is your level voice... be nowhere near me until noon.
BM HAHAHAHAHA! I'M SO PLEASED TO BE HERE! I MEAN, IS THERE ANYTHING MORE LIKE HEAVEN THAN A DATE WITH THE HOTTEST POSTER MODEL OF MY GENERATION AND HAVING THICK, JUICY STEAKS AND GOOD WINE WITH GOOD FRIENDS??
HPL Yes, there's the ability to hear. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with your eyesight, Mr. Mays, but this table has a diameter of less than 5 feet. I am not across the yawning gulf of dreamscape canyons.
BM YOU ARE VERY OLD! I LIKE THAT! DO YOU FEEL RUN DOWN, TIRED AND IRRITABLE? THEN YOU SHOULD TRY BOWELEX! I'VE TRIED DOZENS OF SLOW-WORKING LAXATIVES, CHALKY ANTACIDS AND COSTLY DOCTOR VISITS, BUT NOTHING CLEANS OUT MY BACK FORTY LIKE BOWELEX! TWO TABLETS, ONCE A DAY AND YOU'LL HAVE A COLON SO CLEAN YOU COULD EAT OUT OF IT!!!
Zevon Oh-kay, then. We definitely need a few bottles of wine here.
DNA The rapid intake of air I am experiencing is nothing to be alarmed about. I just cannot put my mouth around the words I'd like to say...
FF He is so direct! Isn't he wonderful?
HPL Mr. Mays. You frighten me. Are you armed?
EAP (fading on) Good evening, gentlemen. Sorry we're late.
Zevon Hello, Eddie! Hey, Emmie!
ED (audibly bristles)
EAP We were pulled aside by some friends who wanted to talk about the rapture drawing tonight. Are they doing it at the start or end of the dinner?
HPL Nervous are you? You do know that only ONE of us will rise into the afterworld...if you or Ms. Dickinson "win" this honor, the other will remain behind.
ED As the fates decree, Howard. If the dark thought of us apart shines a light into your black heart, it is worth our parting, for perhaps that light might set that heart afire.
FF I LOVE your hair, Emily. What do you do to make it so manageable?
ED (bristle) I braid my hair after running pig fat through it. It takes all evening to render, boil and allow the fat to partially congeal before I apply it, so I only do it for special occasions.
FF Oh! That's ... wonderful.
BM THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUN AND ECONOMICAL WAY TO MANAGE YOUR HAIR *AND* LOOK GREAT FOR THOSE SPECIAL NIGHTS ON THE TOWN!!
DNA Oh this will not stand, Warren. You know what to do.
Zevon I'm on it.
FF Emily, I don't know if you know this, but I was up to play you in a television movie back in the 1980s.
EAP Indeed! That would have been MARVELOUS! (thump) Ow! What did I say?
FF I had a callback, but the producer decided to go with Meredith Baxter instead.
ED Perhaps your performance alluded to a vast intellectual vapidity that the producer could not find in the character.
FF Well, I admit I was asking a little too high a price for a network movie of the week...I went ahead and did a Battle of the Network Stars show instead.
CHEF Zoot ALOUR! Is this the famous Billy Mays?
BM BILLY MAYS HERE!
CHEF Thank goodness. We have an issue in ze kitchen and perhaps you can help us!
BM DO YOU HAVE A SERIOUS KITCHEN PROBLEM? IS YOUR FOOD SERVICE SYSTEM LESS THAN EFFICIENT. IF SO, THEN MAYBE BILLY MAYS CAN HELP!
CHEF Please...our walk-in freezer has a problem you may be able to solve. Urgently!
BM EXCUSE ME, BILLY MAYS IS OFF TO PROVIDE A SOLUTION TO THIS EVERYDAY KITCHEN NIGHTMARE! BACK IN A JIFFY!
FF Okay, Billy! Hurry back!
CHEF (aside) You owe me, Zevon.
Zevon (low) I'd call us even, Fitz. Don't kill him. Just chill him, okay?
JFK (off-mic) Ladies and Gentlemen...good evening. It's good to see so many of you here, tonight. I want to welcome you to the Citadel. Many of you live here and some of you are here from Paradise. I am pleased to be here among you, to be spending the evening with you at the auditorium of dreams. Tonight, we will celebrate your afterlives and elevate one of your number from the hem of Purgatorio to the eternal serenity of heaven. As we do this, we want to recognize our brothers and sisters from the edge of the inferno. I am pleased to introduce my friends and family here at the head table. My brother Robert. My brother Joe. My wonderful sisters Rose, Kathy, Patty and my dear baby sister Eunice. Welcome. But tonight, you'll notice that there's an empty place at our table. My friends, the material world's loss is our gain. He who was last truly was first. To the dais tonight, I welcome our youngest brother...the incomparable...
BELUSHI (storming into the room) I did it!!! I fucking did it, you fuckers!! Every last one! Now. (breathing hard) Which one of you fucks is going to send me back home?
Zevon Hey, Farrah. Where's Mikey? I thought he was your date.
FF He's back in his little cabana watching all the news about himself. Look at this place! It's like the Oscars or something.
DNA ...or something.
FF Anyway, I met someone on my way here who was really sweet and really awesome, so I invited him along tonight. He'll be here any minute. So how are you guys!
HPL meh.
FF Oh, Mr. frowny horse-face-man...what's wrong?
Zevon We had a visit from his arch nemesis.
FF Oh! That's so nice. How is your sister?
HPL What?
DNA Just roll with it, Howard. He's absolutely in love with this delightful woman, Eartha, but she's with this man named Orson who is...well...a bit of a dick.
HPL The ire he raises in my heart burns like an anal fissure.
Zevon Ouch.
FF Aww, Howard. Does she know how you feel?
HPL I believe the sonnet I wrote was sufficient to express my intentions. If not, then the opera I've composed with the assistance of Mr. Zevon and Lennon will make my feelings clearer than the dreams of the eldritch guardians.
DNA Yes, Farrah, she knows. But she is from Heaven whereas we humble souls are trapped at the edge of the abyss.
FF Oh, two star-crossed lovers from different worlds, denied their heart's desires...oh I know that well.
Zevon See? You're not alone.
FF I was in a Lifetime Original Movie like that. I played an uptight career woman at an investment firm who falls in love with a small town auto mechanic who nearly loses his shop to the bank. It was a fun film to do.
BM HEY EVERYBODY! HI FARRAH! IS THIS OUR TABLE?!
FF Hey, Billy. Yep! Billy, this is Doug. That's Warren and this is Howard.
DNA Pleased to meet you...
BM BILLY MAYS HERE, AND I'M REALLY PLEASED TO BE HERE WITH YOU AT THIS FUNCTION!
DNA O dear. That's an impressive level of enthusiasm, there, William.
Zevon Nice to meet you, Billy. Do me a favor: if this is your level voice... be nowhere near me until noon.
BM HAHAHAHAHA! I'M SO PLEASED TO BE HERE! I MEAN, IS THERE ANYTHING MORE LIKE HEAVEN THAN A DATE WITH THE HOTTEST POSTER MODEL OF MY GENERATION AND HAVING THICK, JUICY STEAKS AND GOOD WINE WITH GOOD FRIENDS??
HPL Yes, there's the ability to hear. I'm not sure if there's something wrong with your eyesight, Mr. Mays, but this table has a diameter of less than 5 feet. I am not across the yawning gulf of dreamscape canyons.
BM YOU ARE VERY OLD! I LIKE THAT! DO YOU FEEL RUN DOWN, TIRED AND IRRITABLE? THEN YOU SHOULD TRY BOWELEX! I'VE TRIED DOZENS OF SLOW-WORKING LAXATIVES, CHALKY ANTACIDS AND COSTLY DOCTOR VISITS, BUT NOTHING CLEANS OUT MY BACK FORTY LIKE BOWELEX! TWO TABLETS, ONCE A DAY AND YOU'LL HAVE A COLON SO CLEAN YOU COULD EAT OUT OF IT!!!
Zevon Oh-kay, then. We definitely need a few bottles of wine here.
DNA The rapid intake of air I am experiencing is nothing to be alarmed about. I just cannot put my mouth around the words I'd like to say...
FF He is so direct! Isn't he wonderful?
HPL Mr. Mays. You frighten me. Are you armed?
EAP (fading on) Good evening, gentlemen. Sorry we're late.
Zevon Hello, Eddie! Hey, Emmie!
ED (audibly bristles)
EAP We were pulled aside by some friends who wanted to talk about the rapture drawing tonight. Are they doing it at the start or end of the dinner?
HPL Nervous are you? You do know that only ONE of us will rise into the afterworld...if you or Ms. Dickinson "win" this honor, the other will remain behind.
ED As the fates decree, Howard. If the dark thought of us apart shines a light into your black heart, it is worth our parting, for perhaps that light might set that heart afire.
FF I LOVE your hair, Emily. What do you do to make it so manageable?
ED (bristle) I braid my hair after running pig fat through it. It takes all evening to render, boil and allow the fat to partially congeal before I apply it, so I only do it for special occasions.
FF Oh! That's ... wonderful.
BM THAT SOUNDS LIKE A FUN AND ECONOMICAL WAY TO MANAGE YOUR HAIR *AND* LOOK GREAT FOR THOSE SPECIAL NIGHTS ON THE TOWN!!
DNA Oh this will not stand, Warren. You know what to do.
Zevon I'm on it.
FF Emily, I don't know if you know this, but I was up to play you in a television movie back in the 1980s.
EAP Indeed! That would have been MARVELOUS! (thump) Ow! What did I say?
FF I had a callback, but the producer decided to go with Meredith Baxter instead.
ED Perhaps your performance alluded to a vast intellectual vapidity that the producer could not find in the character.
FF Well, I admit I was asking a little too high a price for a network movie of the week...I went ahead and did a Battle of the Network Stars show instead.
CHEF Zoot ALOUR! Is this the famous Billy Mays?
BM BILLY MAYS HERE!
CHEF Thank goodness. We have an issue in ze kitchen and perhaps you can help us!
BM DO YOU HAVE A SERIOUS KITCHEN PROBLEM? IS YOUR FOOD SERVICE SYSTEM LESS THAN EFFICIENT. IF SO, THEN MAYBE BILLY MAYS CAN HELP!
CHEF Please...our walk-in freezer has a problem you may be able to solve. Urgently!
BM EXCUSE ME, BILLY MAYS IS OFF TO PROVIDE A SOLUTION TO THIS EVERYDAY KITCHEN NIGHTMARE! BACK IN A JIFFY!
FF Okay, Billy! Hurry back!
CHEF (aside) You owe me, Zevon.
Zevon (low) I'd call us even, Fitz. Don't kill him. Just chill him, okay?
JFK (off-mic) Ladies and Gentlemen...good evening. It's good to see so many of you here, tonight. I want to welcome you to the Citadel. Many of you live here and some of you are here from Paradise. I am pleased to be here among you, to be spending the evening with you at the auditorium of dreams. Tonight, we will celebrate your afterlives and elevate one of your number from the hem of Purgatorio to the eternal serenity of heaven. As we do this, we want to recognize our brothers and sisters from the edge of the inferno. I am pleased to introduce my friends and family here at the head table. My brother Robert. My brother Joe. My wonderful sisters Rose, Kathy, Patty and my dear baby sister Eunice. Welcome. But tonight, you'll notice that there's an empty place at our table. My friends, the material world's loss is our gain. He who was last truly was first. To the dais tonight, I welcome our youngest brother...the incomparable...
BELUSHI (storming into the room) I did it!!! I fucking did it, you fuckers!! Every last one! Now. (breathing hard) Which one of you fucks is going to send me back home?