Part one
DNA I hate these bloody monkey suits. I thought the afterlife was all about our true selves, our spirit... not dressing up like waiters and concert pianists.
Zevon It's only once a year. Come on. And one of us might get to go upstairs!
DNA The statistical likelihood of any of us going to heaven are approximately the same as Howard breaking wind in public. Did you enter the drawing?
Zevon Well...
DNA You DID, didn't you?
Zevon No offense, Doug, but I'd still like to see what's out there, you know?
HPL Good evening, gentlemen.
DNA Oh, excellent. Could we get a bottle of Styxian Rouge, 1984? Two glasses, and perhaps some of those wonderful cheeses we sampled on our way in...
HPL You're very droll, Douglas.
DNA Don't forget bitter and spiteful, Howard. Nice suit.
HPL I will assume there was no sarcasm despite the evidence that such is oozing from your very pores, crusting over the withered shell of your humanity.
Zevon Hey, Howard.
HPL Mr. Zevon.
Zevon Were you buried in that suit?
HPL Delightful. Look around us. Dozens of the richest, most prolific and intelligent souls in the universe are here for one purpose, with one hope:
DNA The new teenage-corpse-angst-romance film?
Zevon Will there be previous? I hear New Moon is extraordinarily angst-ridden.
DNA Absolutely. So much angst they had to bleed into the film stock.
HPL Why are you obsessed with popular culture, particularly since the greatest intellectual and creative spirits are around us tonight! Look at the dais! Visitors from the upper world, the elite...
Zevon Oh for fuck sake, that's the Kennedy family! They're in the Citadel all the time!
DNA I get nervous watching them all eat their salads...that is a heart-stopping collection of teeth.
Zevon I'm surprised when they all smile they don't turn invisible.
HPL Jealousy is one of the reasons you'll never leave this realm, Douglas.
DNA The last time I saw that many teeth on a stage, the road company of the Osmond family was on it's way to hell to torture the damned.
WELLES Good evening, gentlemen! Feeling lucky this evening?
HPL Orson. Good evening, Ms Kitt.
EK Good evening, Mr. Lovecraft. You look quite gallant and handsome.
HPL Er, I...thanks....thank you....
Zevon I once saw a dog rubbed behind the ears react the same way. Hello, O. Ms Kitt.
WELLES We just wanted to stop by and wish all of you luck. Perhaps we'll be seeing one of you upstairs in the big room...and you can finally escape the smell of cheap wine and beer nuts.
DNA Nah. We stopped drinking Paul Masson years ago.
HPL (laughs) Good one, Douglas.
WELLES Yes, very good. Such a shame Mr. Adams never had a chance to expand his literary legacy to account for his enormous talents. In fact, I was speaking with Asimov and Huxley the other day about several promising authors who - through no fault of their own - were pigeonholed into a single performance, Johnny On-Notes of the literary field. You both are excellent commiserators...one has a legion of fans dedicated to a depressed robot and the other... an ever-shrinking circle of disenfranchised, delusional children who dream of nothing greater than the destruction of the world that hates them by giant boogeymen.
EK Orson, please. Your psoriasis.
DNA Wow. And you thought I wrote fat, Howard. Well, Orson, please give Isaac and Aldous my regards next time you see them. I won't be leaving the Citadel for a while.
WELLES Hm. It's good to know some of you know your place. If you'll excuse me, I don't want these people thinking I prefer your company to theirs.
EK You'll have to excuse Mr. Welles. He is full of himself this evening.
Zevon Which is why he chooses such a beautiful and kind woman to compensate. Good to see you again, Ma'am.
EK Good evening, gentlemen...Howard.
HPL hem...yes. You as well.
DNA (calling after) Take care, Mr. Unicron!
Zevon It's only once a year. Come on. And one of us might get to go upstairs!
DNA The statistical likelihood of any of us going to heaven are approximately the same as Howard breaking wind in public. Did you enter the drawing?
Zevon Well...
DNA You DID, didn't you?
Zevon No offense, Doug, but I'd still like to see what's out there, you know?
HPL Good evening, gentlemen.
DNA Oh, excellent. Could we get a bottle of Styxian Rouge, 1984? Two glasses, and perhaps some of those wonderful cheeses we sampled on our way in...
HPL You're very droll, Douglas.
DNA Don't forget bitter and spiteful, Howard. Nice suit.
HPL I will assume there was no sarcasm despite the evidence that such is oozing from your very pores, crusting over the withered shell of your humanity.
Zevon Hey, Howard.
HPL Mr. Zevon.
Zevon Were you buried in that suit?
HPL Delightful. Look around us. Dozens of the richest, most prolific and intelligent souls in the universe are here for one purpose, with one hope:
DNA The new teenage-corpse-angst-romance film?
Zevon Will there be previous? I hear New Moon is extraordinarily angst-ridden.
DNA Absolutely. So much angst they had to bleed into the film stock.
HPL Why are you obsessed with popular culture, particularly since the greatest intellectual and creative spirits are around us tonight! Look at the dais! Visitors from the upper world, the elite...
Zevon Oh for fuck sake, that's the Kennedy family! They're in the Citadel all the time!
DNA I get nervous watching them all eat their salads...that is a heart-stopping collection of teeth.
Zevon I'm surprised when they all smile they don't turn invisible.
HPL Jealousy is one of the reasons you'll never leave this realm, Douglas.
DNA The last time I saw that many teeth on a stage, the road company of the Osmond family was on it's way to hell to torture the damned.
WELLES Good evening, gentlemen! Feeling lucky this evening?
HPL Orson. Good evening, Ms Kitt.
EK Good evening, Mr. Lovecraft. You look quite gallant and handsome.
HPL Er, I...thanks....thank you....
Zevon I once saw a dog rubbed behind the ears react the same way. Hello, O. Ms Kitt.
WELLES We just wanted to stop by and wish all of you luck. Perhaps we'll be seeing one of you upstairs in the big room...and you can finally escape the smell of cheap wine and beer nuts.
DNA Nah. We stopped drinking Paul Masson years ago.
HPL (laughs) Good one, Douglas.
WELLES Yes, very good. Such a shame Mr. Adams never had a chance to expand his literary legacy to account for his enormous talents. In fact, I was speaking with Asimov and Huxley the other day about several promising authors who - through no fault of their own - were pigeonholed into a single performance, Johnny On-Notes of the literary field. You both are excellent commiserators...one has a legion of fans dedicated to a depressed robot and the other... an ever-shrinking circle of disenfranchised, delusional children who dream of nothing greater than the destruction of the world that hates them by giant boogeymen.
EK Orson, please. Your psoriasis.
DNA Wow. And you thought I wrote fat, Howard. Well, Orson, please give Isaac and Aldous my regards next time you see them. I won't be leaving the Citadel for a while.
WELLES Hm. It's good to know some of you know your place. If you'll excuse me, I don't want these people thinking I prefer your company to theirs.
EK You'll have to excuse Mr. Welles. He is full of himself this evening.
Zevon Which is why he chooses such a beautiful and kind woman to compensate. Good to see you again, Ma'am.
EK Good evening, gentlemen...Howard.
HPL hem...yes. You as well.
DNA (calling after) Take care, Mr. Unicron!