Did that just happen?
Wow, what a night. I still have so much HW and studying to do, but I figured I needed to take a break and fill everyone in on what a crazy night I've had with the parents. So I have a dentist appointment today - on top of needing to study and everything - and I go. It was at 5:30 pm, so I got there and asked how long the procedure would take. The doc said it would be around 2 hours, so I asked if I could reschedule. They said it wouldn't be a problem, so I changed it and called my parents. My mom completely flips out on me and says that I had no right to do that or whatever. She then tells me not to come home because, "you don't live here anymore!!" Whatever. I went home and my mom is all like, "What the fuck are you doing here!?! I told you you don't live here anymore!!" I was like, "You really are going to kick me out of the house for changing a dentist appointment so I could study and write a paper?!" She is like, "Whatever, fuck you! get out!" I think I finally hit my boiling point, so I packed up my stuff. I threw some clothes in a couple of bags and planned on going to my aunt dawn's house. My mom tells me I can't go there, and I tell her that she has no fucking say in what I do or where I go. She then calls my aunt as I am packing and tells her not to take me in, but I know my aunt would have anyway. She also tells her that I am not going to leave, that it is all just a show. I just ignore her, open the door and leave. I get about 2 miles down the road (keep in mind I am walking because they own my car) and my dad pulls up and is all apologetic and tells me to get in and come back to talk. I tell him no, and that I would rather leave with nothing than put up with my mom. He pleads with me to come back and talk some more, and I finally give in and go back. My mom starts accusing me of all this shit like ussual, and I just explode and tell her how bad she treats me with taking stuff out on me and what-not. I also asked her why she was so fake to people, constantly acting all christian like then turning around and speaking to me with the language that she uses. She just kinda sat there with her mouth open and listened. As bad as it sounds, I was happy. For the first time since I have been an adult I got through to her. I think that's all it took. She started crying and telling me that she was sorry, but still said it wasn't all her fault. I told her that she was unhappy with herself, and unhappy that she married my real father so young and didn't make something out of herself that would have been better if she hadn't have been stuck with me. I told her she resented me and that it hurt the most that I had a great life with great friends, yet lacked love/support from my mother. I also brought up how she always says how much of a dick I am to her, yet I get along with everyone else I associate with. It felt so good to finally make an impact on her, to just get my point across without having it quickly shot down with no thought put into what I was saying. We had a talk last week about this kind of stuff that wasn't as heated, and I thought I got through to her then. That was a trip to Disney World compared to what happend tonight. I am thinking that things are going to change now, and that she isn't going to be so unhappy with herself. She acts like she has life so bad! It really angers me when she does this. She is always so busy criticizing other people, that she often forgets to look at her own self. I think that also has a lot to do with it. I think she realizes that she has gained weght, and doesn't do all of things she had to do when it was her and I. She used to be this tough women, but now it's almost like she is nothing but a bag of hot air. She acts like she does so much, and that no one should ever complain about being tired or stressed out. She forgets that she only works 20 hours a week, and has a great house, a 2 year old expedition, and a son that doesn't get arrested or do drugs. That's another thing that gets me. I hate how she treats me like I am this bad kid, yet I don't get in trouble or do things that would shame/embaress them. I don't know, I think I got across to her, which is great because I have been trying to do so for SO LONG. I agree that my parents aren't dumb. I know that they tell me things because they went through most of the same stuff, and want me to benifit as much as I can. I just don't apprieciate how they - mainly my mother acts as if I am so naive that I don't know anything. I'm educated, and I understand how a lot of things work. I might not know what it's like to own a house, provide for kids, or have to deal with constant bills, but I understand that it must be a lot to deal with. I've said it before, but it's funny that I get along with my step-dad more than I do my mother. Another thing that I told her was that I was tired of her bringing up my real father. Everytime we have a fight she brings him up, as if I have something to do with how he is. She's right. It must have been my fault that she married him at 19, or that he walked out on us and never gave a damn when I was growing up. I mean, c'mon, I just don't buy it. I told her I was sorry that things had to turn out that way, but it did happen for a reason. I told her that she did a good job raising me, being that I have grown into an adult never getting into any real trouble. She always blames what she says on having a bad temper. I have the same temper about things, yet I don't ever say the things to her that she says to me. I told her using that was no excuse for talking to someone the way she does to me. Usually when we have these little talks, my dad is quick to interviene. Tonight, he just kinda kept his mouth shut, and let me say what I needed to say to my mom. Tonight also kinda made me think about my real dad for the first time in a while. Usually I get kinda depressed around this time of year with my birthday a week ago, and christmas not too far away. I didn't really put much thought into it this year, being that I have excepted who my birth father is. I know that I do not need his love or attention to become a better man. I know that no matter what becomes of me and the mother of my children, I will never walk away from my kid(s). I have always thought about what I would say to my father if I ever saw him. Usually, I have aspirations of telling him off, calling him out, telling him how much of a coward he is. But, strangly I can honestly say that the void he has left in my life has helped me decide what I want. I don't think I would thank him, but I don't think I would show any hostility to him. He's not even worth the words that I could find to describe him. I know that one day he will regret not having anything to do with me, and that will be something he has to deal with. I don't know. I know I should feel stressed out with all of this HW, studying, and finals approaching. Everything feels so liberating right now. It's like I have released this pent up aggression that I have been holding inside for so long. Damn, it's late...or early. Whatever, I gotta get some work done, so I guess I am finished ranting. Everyone have a great week, and good luck to those who are currently dealing with finals. The holidays are approaching, and I am looking forward to a little time off to relax, hang out, and work so I can make money. Still looking for my keys, so if anyone finds them then be sure to let me know. Peace- KCJ