A Sense of Self, Chaper 14

[dr_b_natural]

A Sense of Self, Chapter 14: 2007 - Bridgewater, FL
Author: Dr. B
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Emily/JJ
Rating: FRT
Summary: Being an undercover agent seemed like the obvious choice; Emily had spent her childhood pretending to be someone she wasn’t in order to please her politician parents or to survive always being the new kid at school. After her last undercover assignment, Emily was transferred to the BAU - no cover necessary. As she tries to adjust and simply be herself she realizes that she’s no longer sure who Emily Prentiss really is.


A big thank you to nikonic, my beta extraordinaire.

2007 - Bridgewater, FL

“Hey, Derek, wait up,” Emily called after him as they were walking down the tarmac.

Morgan slowed down. “What’s up?”

“That’s what I was going to ask you,” she told him. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Morgan said, running his hand over the top of his head. “I shouldn’t have snapped at Reid like that, but you know, it’s like what Hotch said, this religion stuff can affect you if you let it.”

Emily nodded. “Sometimes the religion stuff affects you whether you let it or not.”

“I’ll be fine, Prentiss,” he said, sounding defensive.

“That’s not what I meant,” Emily explained quickly. “I was referring to religion’s ability to mess with anyone’s head. It was more a comment on religion than you.”

“Sorry, man,” Morgan said, putting his hand on her arm. “I feel like everything I’ve said today has come out wrong. To you, Reid, even Garcia this morning.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Emily assured him. “I know how that feels. But if you want to talk, let me know.”

Rossi came up from behind them. “Morgan, we’re going to meet Abby Kelton’s family at their church.”

“Why their church?” Morgan asked. His tone of voice revealed the same hesitancy and annoyance that Emily felt about being in a church.

Rossi just shrugged. “That’s what they requested. Besides, it’ll give us a chance to interview Father Marks. JJ already made all of the arrangements.

“Prentiss, you’re going with Reid and Hotch to the morgue,” he added.

Morgan sighed as they walked up to the two black SUVs. “See you on the flip side,” he called to Emily as they each got in their separate vehicles.

#

Between the Southern accent and the cigar-chewing detective, Emily couldn’t help but feel like she was in the scene from Silence of the Lambs when they found the first body. She half-expected the M.E. to talk about finding a bug cocoon in the victim’s throat.

“Evidence suggests that they were fed to her shortly before her death,” Dr. Fulton told them, referring to the fingers he had found in Abby Kelton’s stomach contents.

Emily’s stomach clenched, and she swallowed hard. It was moments like these that she couldn’t help but think that if she were in the victim’s shoes, she’d be grateful that the whole ordeal would end in her death. Why would he cut off her fingers and feed them to her?

When she asked Reid that question in the car ride back to the police station, she expected to hear some explanation about the role of fingers in Greek mythology and how eating fingers symbolized growth. Or something equally esoteric.

“I don’t know,” Reid told her. “Sometimes the eating of flesh can be incorporated into satanic rituals, but it’s usually follows the belief that the one who consumes it obtains the power of the person the flesh belonged to. So it doesn’t really make sense to feed someone their own fingers and then kill them.

“Although, did you know that there’s a disease called Lesch-Nyhan disease where those afflicted have a tendency toward self-consumption?” Reid added. “Fingers, lips, tongue…”

“And what does that have to do with this case?” Hotch asked. Emily was grateful that he cut off Reid’s listing of unfortunate body parts.

“Nothing.”

“Then let’s focus on the case at hand, shall we?” Hotch phrased it as a question, but both Emily and Reid knew that that it was not up for discussion.

They got to the police station about the same time that Rossi, JJ, and Morgan returned from their meeting with the Keltons and Father Marks.

“You okay?” JJ whispered to Emily while they were standing in the hall.

“Yeah.” Emily nodded her head to make her assertion more convincing. It had been a few days since they kissed. Emily had gone into her self-protective mode, which for the most part focused on remaining detached and indifferent. It had helped that JJ was out town for the weekend; it kept them from having too much time to spend together or trying to make excuses for not being together.

“What did you guys learn from the M.E.?” JJ asked.

“Only that this case is even more disturbing than I had previously thought,” Emily said shaking her head.

“Have I mentioned how much I hate Florida?” JJ asked.

“I gathered that when Morgan asked you how bad the case was and your reply was Florida,” Emily told her with a smile.

“I wasn’t wrong, was I?” JJ said, returning the smile. “Anyway, I’ve got to go meet with some reporters. You know how everyone loves a good satanic cult story.”

Emily nodded, not envying JJ’s job. “I wouldn’t mention the fingers.”

“The what?” JJ looked confused and Emily realized that she hadn’t been privy to that information.

“Never mind,” Emily said. She saw Rossi and Morgan head into conference room. “I should get in there, but I’ll see you when you get back.”

When she got into the conference room, Morgan and Rossi were already looking over the notes they’d taken at the M.E.’s office.

“Fingers?” Morgan asked her. She nodded, not able to stop the grimace from showing on her face.

“The fingers are a message,” Rossi said after convincing Emily that, while the concept of forcing one to eat their own fingers is sadistic, there’s clearly more to this UnSub than simply being able to label him a sadist.

“What the hell is the message?” Morgan asked.

“She’s not my first,” Hotch answered, as he came into the room. “None of the fingers found in Abby Kelton’s stomach were hers, and six of them were index fingers.”

Ew. Emily knew that intellectually she needed to process that information and try to make sense of it, but all she could think about was just how disturbing that was.

“Excuse me.” She stood up from the table and went into the restroom to wash her face with some cold water. She needed to focus on the case and take in the information without actually thinking about it or analyzing it too far. She took a few deep breaths and shook her head as though she would be able to physically dislodge the thoughts from her mind. If only it were that easy, she thought to herself.

#

Emily flopped onto the mattress. She’d just made four phone calls to three families explaining that there was sufficient evidence to believe that their daughter/sister/girlfriend fell victim to a satanic serial killer. By time she told the last family about the fingers as the evidence that linked their loved one to the murderer, she could recite the words without gagging at the image.

Morgan briefly spoke with the local police, and the plan was to meet early the following morning to finish the profile. She had an hour to shower and wash off the day before meeting the rest of the team for dinner.

“Based on Garcia’s research, she recommends that we just head over to the Chili’s for dinner,” JJ said when Morgan finally joined the group.

“Surely there’s a local spot we can go to,” Rossi suggested.

“I thought we were trying to eat locally,” Reid added.

JJ shrugged. “Garcia insisted on it.”

“Well, I saw that bar-b-que place near the highway,” Rossi mentioned.

“I don’t really care where we go, as long as there’s beer and food,” Morgan said.

“I’m going to Chili’s,” Emily announced. “I remember what happened the last time Garcia steered us away from the local restaurants in favor of a big chain and someone got indignant about it.” She looked pointedly at Reid.

JJ grimaced. “Spokane.”

Emily nodded. “I’m trusting Garcia on this one. But if you want to support the local economy and try out that unvetted bar-b-que shack, be my guests.”

“I’m with Emily,” JJ said as she started to walk over to one of the SUVs. “My intestinal tract still hasn’t forgiven me for that fried chicken.”

“Chili’s meets my criteria,” Morgan said following her.

Emily had been hoping for a quick, perfunctory meal so she could just head back to the hotel and go to sleep. But everyone seemed to be in a chatty mood so they stayed longer than usual, lingering over their beverages even after the check came.

“Do you think it means something that the UnSub chose six index fingers?” Reid asked.

“Don’t.” Morgan shook his head.

“Don’t what?” Reid asked. He didn’t wait for an answer before continuing his thought. “Did you know the index finger represents the planet Jupiter?”

“No. And I’m fairly certain the UnSub didn’t either,” Emily said wryly. “Maybe he just had a bunch of index fingers leftover.”

“Leftover from what?” JJ asked.

“I don’t know,” Emily said. She looked down at her own hand and an incredibly disturbing, though funny, image came into her mind. “Maybe he builds things with them. You know the ring finger and index finger are roughly the same size, so maybe he just had leftovers.”

She saw Morgan looking at her incredulously. “You scare me,” he told her with the tone of voice that was usually reserved for Reid.

Emily shrugged. “I think it’s a more plausible explanation than being based on the symbolism of Jupiter versus Venus.”

“Actually, the ring finger is represented by Apollo,” Reid corrected.

“I scare you?” Emily asked, raising her eyebrows.

JJ and Rossi laughed, and Reid just looked confused.

“On that note, we should turn in; I have a feeling we’re going to have a long day tomorrow,” Rossi said, putting his napkin down next to his plate.

It didn’t take much convince the rest of the team to call it a night.

#

When they got off the elevator, Emily felt JJ’s fingers rub against her shirtsleeve. When she looked over, JJ gestured to her right with her chin. Emily nodded slightly and whispered, “Give me a few minutes.”

Emily went into her own room; she needed some time to herself before going over to JJ’s room. She wandered around her room in circles, trying to think of a way to not overthink the situation.

As their kiss deepened, Emily felt JJ’s hands make their way up to her neck. JJ’s thumb brushed against her earlobe causing her moan softly.

“Wow, only fourteen seconds into this and I’ve already found your weak spot,” JJ said, running her thumb up and down her earlobe.

“Mmmm…” was the only response Emily was capable of making as JJ leaned in and placed a gentle kiss right where her thumb had been.

As JJ’s other hand began to play with the hem of her shirt, Emily pulled back, trying to regain control. Suddenly there were so many questions that tumbled into her mind.

Was JJ a lesbian? Bisexual? Curious? Drunk? Was this a one-time thing?

Given that they’d only had a beer each with dinner, Emily was fairly convinced that this was not likely the result of drunken debauchery. But what did JJ want? What did she want?

“I, uh, so…um…well,” Emily stammered.

“Did they teach you to talk like that during your elocution courses growing up?” JJ asked.

“Elocution classes? I grew up overseas, not in the nineteenth century,” Emily joked.

JJ shifted from her position next to Emily to straddling her lap. She leaned in and kissed a path along Emily’s neck and collarbone, her warm lips taking their time at each point.

Emily’s fingers ran along the soft skin that was exposed between JJ’s shirt and the waistband of her pajama pants. There was a physical, magnetic force trying to pull Emily’s fingers upwards, but she fought against it. There were still cards that they each held in their hands. Because even though JJ proudly laid down her I-want-to-kiss you card, the ones with her true intentions were still held close to her chest.

“Your skin is so soft,” JJ whispered, her breath tickling Emily’s ear and sending goose bumps down the right side of her body. “I always forget how much softer women are.”

That was one of Emily's many questions answered that night. Yes, JJ had been with women before and no, not exclusively. That was the position that Emily had decided to take as well. Emily was caught between wanting to discuss things and just wanting to see how things would progress. After all, how could she demand that JJ state her intentions and desires when Emily wasn’t certain of her own?

“I hate to cut this short, but I’m exhausted,” Emily told her.

“Of course,” JJ said. She looked at Emily expectantly, obviously putting the sleep arrangement decision squarely in Emily’s court.

“I, uh, think it’s probably better if I head to my bedroom,” Emily said. “Because if I stay here, there’s no way I’m going to actually fall asleep.”

JJ nodded, and Emily searched her face for signs of disappointment or hurt. She was relieved to not see any of that.

To Emily, sleeping with someone was an incredibly intimate act, more so than having sex. In the past, Emily had used sex as a weapon, a tool, and even a shield. She was still able to maintain control; orgasms could be suppressed, faked, or exaggerated.

Sleeping with someone was ineffably different. Perhaps it was different simply because Emily needed it to be. It was like Julia Roberts’s character’s rule about no kissing in Pretty Woman; she needed something that she could control. It was the final piece of Emily Prentiss that Lauren Reynolds held on to, and she cried the night she gave it away.

Of course, she didn’t tell JJ that and was grateful that JJ didn’t push the matter. After all, it wasn’t unreasonable to sleep separately.

She stopped her pacing and before her mind could talk her out of it, she grabbed her key off the dresser and walked across the hall to JJ’s room.

“Hey,” JJ said, greeting her with a big smile. She stepped aside to let Emily into her room. As soon as the door clicked shut, JJ’s hands were on Emily’s cheeks, pulling her in for a kiss.

Yet another question answered: no, Wednesday night was not just a one-time thing.

JJ’s lips were soft and warm and everything Emily remembered them to be. She snaked her arm around JJ’s waist, trying to pull her in closer. Her breath hitched as JJ’s body pressed against hers, and she allowed her fingers to slowly stroke JJ’s side.

“Your fingers are so soft, so warm,” JJ whispered, their lips still touching.

“It’s been a while since you’ve been with another woman, hasn’t it?” Emily asked, pulling a little farther away, but keeping her hands on JJ’s hips.

“Why do you say that?” JJ asked, taking one of Emily’s hands and pulling her over to the bed.

Emily shrugged. “Just your use of the word soft. To me that’s the difference between men and women. That, and right here,” Emily said resuming her stroking of JJ’s skin. Her hand was at that curve where a woman’s waist transitions to her hip. In Emily’s opinion, the curve was one of the quintessential differences between men and women and was undoubtedly one of the sexiest parts of a woman’s body.

JJ licked her lips and looked at Emily with the same expression she had that night on the plane home from Denver. That expression had the same power to make Emily’s heart beat faster as it did a few months ago.

Emily’s breath hitched as JJ leaned in closer. “You’re right, it’s been a long time,” she whispered.

“Then I’ll just have to remind you of what you’ve been missing,” Emily whispered back. She let her teeth ghost over JJ’s earlobe and was rewarded with a shudder.

As she kissed her way along JJ’s collarbone, she reminded herself of what she had been missing. It had been years since Emily last had the opportunity to kiss someone she cared about. Certainly none of the one-night stands she had while in St. Louis. Most definitely not Ian Doyle.

Emily took her time, savoring every detail, from the saltiness of JJ’s skin to the faint fragrance of vanilla. Her lips tingled as they travelled along JJ’s neck and for a brief moment, Emily let the feelings excitement and attraction wash over her.

She pulled back slightly and couldn’t help the extra half-second she spent staring at the beautiful woman in her arms. She pressed her lips against the half-smile on JJ’s face. The kiss deepened instantly and Emily felt like her whole body was on fire. The piece of herself that she had locked away when she was with Doyle began to escape from its carefully constructed compartment.

As the kiss intensified, Emily felt like she needed even more contact with JJ and her hands began to wander higher.

“Uh-uh,” JJ said as she broke off the kiss. “You’ve got to at least buy me dinner first.”

JJ’s smile was a little too big and her voice was a little too light for Emily to believe that she was entirely kidding.

“You’re on,” Emily said, playing along. “When we get back to D.C., for sure. But right now I’m going to head back to my room.” She stood up, quickly trying to recompartmentalize the feelings that had come loose during their kiss.

“I didn’t mean that you had to stop completely.” JJ reached up and grabbed her hand.

Emily shook her head. “I know, I’m just tired. Besides, if they haven’t found Tracy Lambert by tomorrow, I imagine we’re going to have a search to coordinate.”

Always be the one to walk away first; the last to leave always has the most to lose.

Of course, her mother had been referring to international diplomacy and political compromise, but Emily felt that the advice applied to most situations.

“Well, then, I’ll see you tomorrow,” JJ said, walking over to the door to let Emily out. She gave her one last kiss before saying good night.

#

“I’m starving,” JJ commented.

They had been out at the search site for almost four hours. It was hot, humid, and altogether uncomfortable.

“There are sandwiches in the cooler in the back of the SUV,” Emily told her. “Rossi and I picked some up on the way here. We didn’t know there would be lunch provided,” she added, looking over at where one of the volunteers had set up some pots of soup and chili.

“Oh, you don’t know how happy I am to hear that,” JJ said. “I was just thinking that it is too damn hot for chili.”

“I agree,” Morgan said, coming up from behind them. “Did I hear something about sandwiches?”

Emily nodded and gestured over to the SUV. “In the cooler in the back. They even had ham and cheddar.”

“You have no idea how happy you just made me,” Morgan told her. Actually, Emily had a pretty good idea, knowing Morgan’s almost obsessional love for that combination. She’s had to sit through more than one rant about the inappropriate pairing of ham and Swiss.

“That makes two of us,” JJ whispered. “If I have to hear one more time that Swiss cheese has no business being combined with ham, I might just have to unholster my gun.”

Emily laughed. “I was just thinking the same thing. You want your usual?”

JJ nodded, and Emily followed Morgan over to where the sandwiches were.

“You okay?” she asked Morgan. “You seem a little off. I mean, first with Garcia. And now it seems like there something going on with you, Rossi, and Father Marks.”

“Why? Did he say something?” Morgan asked, ignoring her question. Emily wasn’t sure which he Morgan was referring to.

“I’ve just noticed some tension,” Emily told him.

“Did you grow up going to church?” Morgan asked.

Emily nodded. She tried to not think about the last time she went to church.

“But you don’t go now?” he clarified.

Emily shook her head.

“Why did you stop?”

Emily wasn’t sure when this conversation became about her and her religious beliefs, but she was sure that she didn’t want to continue to it that way.

“It’s complicated,” she said, hoping to put an end to this line of questioning. “Certainly too complicated to discuss here and now.”

Morgan nodded. “Father Marks makes me feel like I’m fourteen again and being castigated for not going to Sunday services.”

Emily nodded her understanding, but before she could say anything else, she heard JJ called to her. “Geez, Prentiss are you making the sandwich? Waiting for the bread to rise?” Emily over to her and saw that she was standing with her hands planted firmly and petulantly on her hips.

“Maybe when we get home we can find absolution over a couple of beers,” Emily said, gesturing over to JJ.

Morgan smiled broadly. “You’re on, Princess.”

Emily walked back to a waiting JJ and handed her the turkey sandwich. “Sorry.”

“What were you and Morgan talking about?” JJ asked.

“He was insulting your choice of mustard on the turkey sandwich instead of mayo,” Emily lied. “I was defending you.”

They were about halfway through their sandwiches when one of the searchers emerged from the woods, frantic with worry. His wife had disappeared during the search.

Emily looked down at the uneaten half of her sandwich and sighed. JJ was right; Florida was bad.

#

She didn’t intend to eavesdrop on Morgan and Rossi’s conversation, but Emily couldn’t help but agree with Morgan. It did appear that Feylin’s life was laid out as a series of unfortunate coincidences. Unfortunate for his victims, that is. Emily wished she hadn’t finished her book on the ride to Florida; she desperately wanted something to take her mind off of the last seventy-two hours.

“Penny for your thoughts,” JJ said softly as she sat down in the empty neat next to Emily. “Or at least I’ll trade you a cup of coffee.”

Emily smiled as she took the mug. “I’m actually trying to wipe the last seventy-two hours from my mind.”

“Well, before you complete your mindwipe, I just want to say thanks,” JJ told her.

“For what?”

“Remember that bar-b-que shack near the hotel? The one you refused to eat at?” Emily nodded. “Well, that was Feylin’s place.”

Emily’s eyes widened as JJ continued. “It makes my stomach hurt to think about eating there.”

“Or having eaten the chili at the search,” Emily added.

“Then I guess I owe you a double thanks,” JJ told her. She lowered her voice to a whisper. “Maybe tomorrow night I can take you to dinner and show you my appreciation.”

“Dinner sounds great, as does your appreciation,” Emily said. “But if you ever try to link anything back to the last three days, that’s just going to ruin it.”

JJ smiled. “Fair enough.”

Emily yawned and stretched out. “I cannot wait to take a bath. I need to wash this week off of me.”

JJ groaned. “Don’t mention that. I still have a two foot stack of files to go through before I go home.”

“Really? Surely it can wait,” Emily said.

“I’m hoping to be able to leave early Friday afternoon to head out of town, so it would be nice to get things done before then,” JJ answered.

“Again? Didn’t you go out of town last weekend?”

Emily couldn’t figure out JJ’s expression, but it she got a strange feeling in her chest when JJ shrugged. She nodded absentmindedly, even though it wasn’t really an appropriate response. They lapsed into a semi-comfortable silence, and the next thing Emily knew she was being woken up by JJ’s peristent nudging and whispering.

The team split up at the airstrip, with JJ and Hotch heading back to the office and the rest of them going straight to the parking garage.

As soon as Emily got home, she started filling her tub with hot water. She’d only been in the tub a few minutes when her phone rang. She thought briefly about answering it, but decided against it. It wasn’t until the phone rang for the third time that Emily reluctantly pulled herself out of the tub and grabbed her robe.

Her phone started to ring again and she answered it immediately.

“Em?”

It was one syllable, but Emily could hear the emotion in JJ’s voice.

“What’s going on, JJ?” Emily asked as a feeling of unease settled into her chest.

“It’s Penelope.” JJ’s voice cracked. “She’s been shot.”

Emily’s mouth went dry, and her heart was pounding in her ears.

“Hotch and I are heading there now,” JJ said. “She’s at Memorial. I’ll text you when I know where we’ll be.”

Emily shook her head, bringing herself back to the present. Garcia has been shot. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Before she had even finished the sentence, Emily was already walking over to her closet to grab her clothes.

It’s Penelope; she’s been shot. The sentence repeated over and over in her mind as she threw on a suit and headed out the door.

It’s Penelope; she’s been shot.

Chapter 15

Chapter 1 is right here.