just be still
my life is full to the brim, and it’s starting to really consume me. the list of activities i’m involved in is ridiculous. i generally enjoy being busy, but it’s starting to take its toll on me and wear me down. my weaknesses are acutely apparent to me, and my energy is drained at all of the wrong moments. days are so long; it will be dinnertime, and i have to try to remember what i even did that morning. then when i finally remember, i marvel, “that was today???”
today, for example: get to thunderbird park at 8:00 in the morning for my field lab. stay until 10:30. come home, leave less than an hour later to eat lunch with my family. come home, leave half an hour later to go to work. tutor for two hours, go to the bank, come home, leave an hour later to go to church. rehearse worship for winter camp until 7:00. drop melissa off at sarah’s house. return to church, pull apart drumset so it can be packed for camp on friday. drive home, work on homework. take a free moment to write a journal entry, then study for science test.
these are relatively typical sunday through thursday circumstances. and then i reach friday and saturday, and i just don’t want to do anything. i want to recharge. this weekend i don’t have that luxury; although i’m hoping that God will give me rest up at winter camp, even as i’m serving and constantly running around participating in things.
when i finally do have moments of peace, i often get so distracted, because my mind is racing, flooded with all of the things i still have to do, trying to organize how to effectively manage my time. it’s hard to just be still. God granted me energy and focus tonight as the band practiced the worship set for winter camp, which was a blessing. but by the time i was finally driving home, i was almost in tears because of how overwhelming everything in my life has become.
i wonder if i need to step down from something. it’s something i want to be in prayer about. all of the things i pour my time into are good things, but if i stretch myself out too thin, then i won’t be completely effective in anything.
at least God has been here for me. my times of rest are things like bible study, simple fellowship with friends, or time spent talking with God as i drive from one place to another. i’m thankful that He gives me strength, because i don’t have the energy to manage my own life; not on my own. i know He is teaching me as i’m in this stage in life. my prayer is that i’ll hear His voice and be completely in love with Him, not with these “thousand half-loves” that are so easy to cling to. i realized today that if i make Him my first love, then every other love i have will be purified through the love i have for Him. and i want that for my life.
praise be to God.