How I feel...
Bry is supposed to have a party either tonight or tomorrow...i want to go. but i'm not sure...but these things lead me to other thoughts as seen in my convo with cronin:
Jess: croooooooooooooooooooonin…..! i want to go to a parrrrrrrrrrrtaaaaaaaay!
Jim: then goooooooo
Jess: i dunno if i can though…or if its happening. like sunday night was gonna be a poker night...not happening. they want to hold it on the 29th instead…id be up for it except for one thing: its eric and i's one year anniversary
Jim: oooh
Jess: if they hold it later...ill be gone july 2-9 so i dunno what they'll do...wait till i get back or hold it while im gone...i'm worried if eric gets wasted if im not there....he admitted he does stupid things when hes drunk and when its the case wants me there..but he said he might get wasted 4th of july (when im not here....)
…oh god im a psycotic girlfriend::sits down shocked::
Jim: awww…pobrecita
Jess: i just dont want him to end up cheating on me when im gone…and when hes drunk...wicked bad lightweight i might add....i dunno even know how to describe my fear for it. girls tend to want him...they flirt with him like wow...what irritates me is hell play along at times...esp when im not there..because hes dumb enought to tell me...given he doesnt think its a big deal. but knowing that worries me if those things come into play
...
Jim: i know whatcha mean
Jess: ::shakes as sits down baffled:: i just love him so much...it hurts enough that he wont tell me the same, or feel the same..but ive been patient with that. ive been patient for a year...why? because i love him. but i dont want him to hurt me more than he's doing now...or something…i cant understand what i'm saying now.
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....i dunno anymore. like, we were together (eric and i) today...and when we went to his house we watched a movie. i got bored, but he didnt want to do anything...just eat and watch the movie. i got disappointed, but wasn't going to force him into anything...he felt really bad because he's like, "you're all miserable..." i felt worse. he gave me a nice backrub after and decided to do what i wanted..and i felt bad stil because i knew he didnt want to...he goes, "you always do things to make me happy..i feel bad becaus eit's your turn...i'll do something once in awhile...you always make me happy." but me and my retardedness felt bad the whole time and felt guilty.
when we were leaving i said i loved him....because i'm sick of holding it in. i want him to know there's really someone who truly loves him...
...he pokes me on the nose. (which was our way of saying we loved eachother before)
i know he does it because he's not ready to say it....and i've been patient for a year....but i feel more and more hurt when i dont hear or feel or sense a response that i want...that i long for.
our anniversary's in five days. i know what i want for a present more than anything: its a person who loves me the way i love him..i want my boyfriend to truly love me...and not to act it. to hear the words, "i love you jess...i love you so much." and actually mean it...like have true sincere meaning...
...at that point i would die happy...
the sad part: i know i'm not getting that. and i wonder if i ever will.
Jess: croooooooooooooooooooonin…..! i want to go to a parrrrrrrrrrrtaaaaaaaay!
Jim: then goooooooo
Jess: i dunno if i can though…or if its happening. like sunday night was gonna be a poker night...not happening. they want to hold it on the 29th instead…id be up for it except for one thing: its eric and i's one year anniversary
Jim: oooh
Jess: if they hold it later...ill be gone july 2-9 so i dunno what they'll do...wait till i get back or hold it while im gone...i'm worried if eric gets wasted if im not there....he admitted he does stupid things when hes drunk and when its the case wants me there..but he said he might get wasted 4th of july (when im not here....)
…oh god im a psycotic girlfriend::sits down shocked::
Jim: awww…pobrecita
Jess: i just dont want him to end up cheating on me when im gone…and when hes drunk...wicked bad lightweight i might add....i dunno even know how to describe my fear for it. girls tend to want him...they flirt with him like wow...what irritates me is hell play along at times...esp when im not there..because hes dumb enought to tell me...given he doesnt think its a big deal. but knowing that worries me if those things come into play
...
Jim: i know whatcha mean
Jess: ::shakes as sits down baffled:: i just love him so much...it hurts enough that he wont tell me the same, or feel the same..but ive been patient with that. ive been patient for a year...why? because i love him. but i dont want him to hurt me more than he's doing now...or something…i cant understand what i'm saying now.
------
....i dunno anymore. like, we were together (eric and i) today...and when we went to his house we watched a movie. i got bored, but he didnt want to do anything...just eat and watch the movie. i got disappointed, but wasn't going to force him into anything...he felt really bad because he's like, "you're all miserable..." i felt worse. he gave me a nice backrub after and decided to do what i wanted..and i felt bad stil because i knew he didnt want to...he goes, "you always do things to make me happy..i feel bad becaus eit's your turn...i'll do something once in awhile...you always make me happy." but me and my retardedness felt bad the whole time and felt guilty.
when we were leaving i said i loved him....because i'm sick of holding it in. i want him to know there's really someone who truly loves him...
...he pokes me on the nose. (which was our way of saying we loved eachother before)
i know he does it because he's not ready to say it....and i've been patient for a year....but i feel more and more hurt when i dont hear or feel or sense a response that i want...that i long for.
our anniversary's in five days. i know what i want for a present more than anything: its a person who loves me the way i love him..i want my boyfriend to truly love me...and not to act it. to hear the words, "i love you jess...i love you so much." and actually mean it...like have true sincere meaning...
...at that point i would die happy...
the sad part: i know i'm not getting that. and i wonder if i ever will.