Clark and Anna: This Is The Thread That Never Ends
Quite a while ago, Eight-Hour Chainsaw met a boy. There was sex, dating, torture, woe, and love, all in the wrong order. She started calling herself Anna, and rediscovered what it's like to be alive. When you're dead.
Then Clark and Anna had the same idea at the same time: ask the Nexus for help on problems they claimed to have solved already! Shortly afterwards there was a serious relationship talk, wherein Clark revealed that he still had feelings for Lana and Anna revealed that she used to be a bit of a ho. She also got to hear about Clark's exciting Vegas whirlwind marriage to a crazy woman, and feel generally useless when he got to the bit about its tragic end. Damn those living people and their tendency to die.
This feeling of uselessness is in no way eased when Anna disregards all common sense by taking free gifts home from the nexus, an action which results in predictably unpleasant consequences. Lex Luthor, of all people, visits her in the hospital and gets all historical in an attempt to euphemistically endorse euthanasia. Clark is, again predictably, not pleased. Later, when Anna wakes up, she is very short with him, probably because she believes her apartment to be a death trap. Unfortunately she isn't as perceptive as she'd like to be, and misses something vital in her attempt to rid the place of poisons. Oops.
Clark mans up and resorts to drugs to solve this problem, like any good role model. He proceeds to be utterly adorable, and anyone who's been paying the slightest attention will not be surprised to learn that this results in sexiness. Clark is bizarrely attached to his pants, a fact the significance of which Anna eventually realizes. She takes advantage of her newfound knowledge, though we can't say she's prompt about it. Post-red-K woe results, and she has to reassure Clark for the umpteenth time that she likes him the way he is, thanks, and is too much of a coward to tell him she loves him in English.
Some time later, Anna gets some mail. Clark is not pleased by this eventuality, and exhibits a little mild neurosis, to which Anna responds with snark. Things get heated, and though Anna tries to give up early, Clark isn't having any of it. Some serious bitching ensues on both sides, despite which Anna informs Clark that she loves him. Took her long enough. Unfortunately for Anna's ego, Clark has little response to this, although they do manage to segue somehow from arguments to dirty talk - of a sort, anyways. Oh, Clark, you so prudish. Don't worry, though - pretty soon he's just too cute for words again.
What a wonderful segue into Valentine's Day! Or at least the day before. Pre-Valentine's, you might call it. Our heroes (these being Clark, Anna, Chloe, and Jimmy) sit down for a nice, inoffensive coffee at the Talon. Lois shows up and Anna gets on her nerves (who'da thunk?). Later, when coffee is over and done with, Clark makes vague pronouncements about the necessity of avoiding... something. Even he is not entirely sure what. He also takes the time to tell her what Ollie's deal is. Things quickly turn adorable, followed by sexy. Clark wishes Anna a happy Valentine's Day at the appropriate moment, and she wishes him right back after asserting she was having one already. Linguistic adorability ensues.
The next morning, Anna wakes up and proceeds to amuse Clark with her insatiable sexual appetite. (...Wait. I didn't mean it like THAT, I swear.) Following some beneficial cuddles, the two of them get dressed and argue over whose boss is scarier. My money's on the cows. Following this, there is another of those montages we like so much, wherein Clark follows the episode script and Anna indulges lame Energizer Bunny jokes and subsequently that pain addiction you thought you could forget about. At this point, the tags start to get really, really long. Anna has a normal day at work, and is accosted by a romantically helpless Jimmy (no, not like that); Clark has a much less normal time of it as he's seduced by an equally helpless Lois with the aid of Kryptonite-infused Valentine's lipstick. Mmm, meteors. Anna and Lex indulge in myth talk until Clark decides to crash the party right in the middle of Lex's charmingly romantic toast to his turtle-faced beautiful fiancée. Shame on you, Clark. Oh, and for this, too. Didn't anyone ever tell you to finish with one girlfriend before moving on to the next? Well, apparently the same people failed to tell Lana not to fight to get between angry brawling men.
And then, once all is said and done and Lex and Lana have fled the scene, Anna takes things to her apartment for some good old-fashioned aftermath. Clark says the word drugs - that's gotta be a first. Anna gets her snark on and proves indisputably that there's no love lost between her and Lana. Clark guilts (who here didn't see that coming?) and admits to some measure of trepidation when it comes to relationships. They proceed to get into the what-ifs. Can you guess what happens next? Can you? I'll give you a hint: cuteness!
Next up: Nexus LOL! Anna does something stupid and, upon realizing the consequences, asks the Nexus what's up with that. Clark answers, and subsequently goes home with her to, among other things, fix her doorknob. No, that is not a euphemism. Clark gives incredibly sound advice - boy, you sure weren't expecting that one, were you? Anna finally finds out Clark has X-ray vision in the most memorable way possible. Then he asks her what she was doing when the heat vision triggered. She doesn't respond, but the floor catching fire is answer enough, really. Clark obligingly lets her burn some scarecrows to learn to control the heat vision, a task she accomplishes remarkably well until he starts cheating. Bad Clark. No cookie. But as soon as he says something evocative it becomes smooth sailing. Who knew her old job skills would have these kinds of applications?
After the fire is successfully mastered, there's an interval of cuteness and then it's back to the superpowers. The X-ray vision goes remarkably well, but not so much the superhearing. Clark doesn't want to know what will happen if Anna does what she's planning on doing next. Anna has a paucity of alternate suggestions. Later that day, there is another montage in which Anna is scared of (and bad at) flying and Chloe wishes she could take Anna's place. After Clark reminds Chloe that being an alien is not as fun as it looks, and Anna finally manages to get herself in the air, things go horribly, horribly wrong back at the farm. There are truly epic levels of snark and bitchiness from all sides. Perhaps all this will be resolved when they encounter one another the following afternoon. No, that would be too easy. First they have to get bitchy. Then illusions are destroyed. At last there are apologies, which look a little bit like resolution if you squint.
Subsequently, Clark shows up at Anna's apartment. (So much for 'talk to you tomorrow'.) There is Italian food, hugs, and blunt questions. Oh, and declarations of affection, too. "I love you" the Clark/Anna way: in French or not at all. There is glossed-over almost-sex, to which Clark reacts with trepidation. Eventually, however, he gets over this and there is domesticity and GOS. I think you can figure out the acronym for yourself. Hint: the first two words are "glossed" and "over".
Some time later, Anna falls from the sky. Ouch. She gets pointlessly girly over the fact that Clark catches her. There's cuteness, and surprising maturity.
Then, the muns decide to pull a fast one on y'all by inserting a random interlude into the previous section of this tale. Mmmmyep. We're evil, we are. Oh, and that guy? The one with the opera and the cognac? Expect to see more of him. RPsterbation? What is this RPsterbation of which you speak?
Back to present-day (for some value thereof, anyways) Clark and Anna (I'd call them Clanna, but my own pup would smack me with a rolled-up newspaper), they're doing nothing much in their usual adorable, domestic fashion (and I like brackets). Then Anna has an encounter at work. Neither party is particularly impressed with the other. Subsequently, Clark is similarly unimpressed by the fact that they met at all.
Following the chain of unexpected meetings, Clark and Anna are visited by someone they both hoped never to see again. They don't take it well. Jasmine is an arrogant bitch. At least there are a few amusing moments. Unfortunately, Jazz gets clever and nearly wins whatever twisted game she's playing. Fortunately, Clark gets rid of her. And then there is aftermath, by which I mean gratuitous profanity and flagrant condescension.
Random interlude time: Anna makes a fool of herself in front of Chloe! Twice!
TO BE CONTINUED! (UNTIL THE SUN FUCKING EXPLODES, I SWEAR.)
Then Clark and Anna had the same idea at the same time: ask the Nexus for help on problems they claimed to have solved already! Shortly afterwards there was a serious relationship talk, wherein Clark revealed that he still had feelings for Lana and Anna revealed that she used to be a bit of a ho. She also got to hear about Clark's exciting Vegas whirlwind marriage to a crazy woman, and feel generally useless when he got to the bit about its tragic end. Damn those living people and their tendency to die.
This feeling of uselessness is in no way eased when Anna disregards all common sense by taking free gifts home from the nexus, an action which results in predictably unpleasant consequences. Lex Luthor, of all people, visits her in the hospital and gets all historical in an attempt to euphemistically endorse euthanasia. Clark is, again predictably, not pleased. Later, when Anna wakes up, she is very short with him, probably because she believes her apartment to be a death trap. Unfortunately she isn't as perceptive as she'd like to be, and misses something vital in her attempt to rid the place of poisons. Oops.
Clark mans up and resorts to drugs to solve this problem, like any good role model. He proceeds to be utterly adorable, and anyone who's been paying the slightest attention will not be surprised to learn that this results in sexiness. Clark is bizarrely attached to his pants, a fact the significance of which Anna eventually realizes. She takes advantage of her newfound knowledge, though we can't say she's prompt about it. Post-red-K woe results, and she has to reassure Clark for the umpteenth time that she likes him the way he is, thanks, and is too much of a coward to tell him she loves him in English.
Some time later, Anna gets some mail. Clark is not pleased by this eventuality, and exhibits a little mild neurosis, to which Anna responds with snark. Things get heated, and though Anna tries to give up early, Clark isn't having any of it. Some serious bitching ensues on both sides, despite which Anna informs Clark that she loves him. Took her long enough. Unfortunately for Anna's ego, Clark has little response to this, although they do manage to segue somehow from arguments to dirty talk - of a sort, anyways. Oh, Clark, you so prudish. Don't worry, though - pretty soon he's just too cute for words again.
What a wonderful segue into Valentine's Day! Or at least the day before. Pre-Valentine's, you might call it. Our heroes (these being Clark, Anna, Chloe, and Jimmy) sit down for a nice, inoffensive coffee at the Talon. Lois shows up and Anna gets on her nerves (who'da thunk?). Later, when coffee is over and done with, Clark makes vague pronouncements about the necessity of avoiding... something. Even he is not entirely sure what. He also takes the time to tell her what Ollie's deal is. Things quickly turn adorable, followed by sexy. Clark wishes Anna a happy Valentine's Day at the appropriate moment, and she wishes him right back after asserting she was having one already. Linguistic adorability ensues.
The next morning, Anna wakes up and proceeds to amuse Clark with her insatiable sexual appetite. (...Wait. I didn't mean it like THAT, I swear.) Following some beneficial cuddles, the two of them get dressed and argue over whose boss is scarier. My money's on the cows. Following this, there is another of those montages we like so much, wherein Clark follows the episode script and Anna indulges lame Energizer Bunny jokes and subsequently that pain addiction you thought you could forget about. At this point, the tags start to get really, really long. Anna has a normal day at work, and is accosted by a romantically helpless Jimmy (no, not like that); Clark has a much less normal time of it as he's seduced by an equally helpless Lois with the aid of Kryptonite-infused Valentine's lipstick. Mmm, meteors. Anna and Lex indulge in myth talk until Clark decides to crash the party right in the middle of Lex's charmingly romantic toast to his turtle-faced beautiful fiancée. Shame on you, Clark. Oh, and for this, too. Didn't anyone ever tell you to finish with one girlfriend before moving on to the next? Well, apparently the same people failed to tell Lana not to fight to get between angry brawling men.
And then, once all is said and done and Lex and Lana have fled the scene, Anna takes things to her apartment for some good old-fashioned aftermath. Clark says the word drugs - that's gotta be a first. Anna gets her snark on and proves indisputably that there's no love lost between her and Lana. Clark guilts (who here didn't see that coming?) and admits to some measure of trepidation when it comes to relationships. They proceed to get into the what-ifs. Can you guess what happens next? Can you? I'll give you a hint: cuteness!
Next up: Nexus LOL! Anna does something stupid and, upon realizing the consequences, asks the Nexus what's up with that. Clark answers, and subsequently goes home with her to, among other things, fix her doorknob. No, that is not a euphemism. Clark gives incredibly sound advice - boy, you sure weren't expecting that one, were you? Anna finally finds out Clark has X-ray vision in the most memorable way possible. Then he asks her what she was doing when the heat vision triggered. She doesn't respond, but the floor catching fire is answer enough, really. Clark obligingly lets her burn some scarecrows to learn to control the heat vision, a task she accomplishes remarkably well until he starts cheating. Bad Clark. No cookie. But as soon as he says something evocative it becomes smooth sailing. Who knew her old job skills would have these kinds of applications?
After the fire is successfully mastered, there's an interval of cuteness and then it's back to the superpowers. The X-ray vision goes remarkably well, but not so much the superhearing. Clark doesn't want to know what will happen if Anna does what she's planning on doing next. Anna has a paucity of alternate suggestions. Later that day, there is another montage in which Anna is scared of (and bad at) flying and Chloe wishes she could take Anna's place. After Clark reminds Chloe that being an alien is not as fun as it looks, and Anna finally manages to get herself in the air, things go horribly, horribly wrong back at the farm. There are truly epic levels of snark and bitchiness from all sides. Perhaps all this will be resolved when they encounter one another the following afternoon. No, that would be too easy. First they have to get bitchy. Then illusions are destroyed. At last there are apologies, which look a little bit like resolution if you squint.
Subsequently, Clark shows up at Anna's apartment. (So much for 'talk to you tomorrow'.) There is Italian food, hugs, and blunt questions. Oh, and declarations of affection, too. "I love you" the Clark/Anna way: in French or not at all. There is glossed-over almost-sex, to which Clark reacts with trepidation. Eventually, however, he gets over this and there is domesticity and GOS. I think you can figure out the acronym for yourself. Hint: the first two words are "glossed" and "over".
Some time later, Anna falls from the sky. Ouch. She gets pointlessly girly over the fact that Clark catches her. There's cuteness, and surprising maturity.
Then, the muns decide to pull a fast one on y'all by inserting a random interlude into the previous section of this tale. Mmmmyep. We're evil, we are. Oh, and that guy? The one with the opera and the cognac? Expect to see more of him. RPsterbation? What is this RPsterbation of which you speak?
Back to present-day (for some value thereof, anyways) Clark and Anna (I'd call them Clanna, but my own pup would smack me with a rolled-up newspaper), they're doing nothing much in their usual adorable, domestic fashion (and I like brackets). Then Anna has an encounter at work. Neither party is particularly impressed with the other. Subsequently, Clark is similarly unimpressed by the fact that they met at all.
Following the chain of unexpected meetings, Clark and Anna are visited by someone they both hoped never to see again. They don't take it well. Jasmine is an arrogant bitch. At least there are a few amusing moments. Unfortunately, Jazz gets clever and nearly wins whatever twisted game she's playing. Fortunately, Clark gets rid of her. And then there is aftermath, by which I mean gratuitous profanity and flagrant condescension.
Random interlude time: Anna makes a fool of herself in front of Chloe! Twice!
TO BE CONTINUED! (UNTIL THE SUN FUCKING EXPLODES, I SWEAR.)