*Locked*
I still remember this one day, when I was very young, I was so battered and bruised that I could barely move.
It's like those dreams- where you're trying to run away from something or to something and you jut can't make it.
I was trying to get into bed. I was trying really hard, but we had this small set of stairs and I had to crawl up them because I couldn't walk. It hurt because my knees weren't working properly and I was trying to haul myself up over each one. The edges of the stairs cut into each of my wounds and it hurt like hell but I didn't even notice, because the rest of me was hurting so badly- it registered but I didn't care anymore.
You know how when you're young, you remember things worse or bigger than they really are? Well, I do remember a lot of blood as I slid across the hallway to my room. It seems like a lot in my memory, but it mightn't have really been that much. It could have been that it hurt so bad that lots of blood would make sense.
It took me five times until I managed to clamber into my bed. I don't quite know what I expected from it - that the softness of my bed would magically heal all my wounds. I think I just shook until I feel asleep and when I woke up the sheets were stuck to my wounds so they all tore open when I moved.
I don't think I have ever hurt quite so much.
But it's the struggle that I'm feeling again. And that hurts more than anything, that I am so immobile, so incapable of doing anything at all. I am stuck here to do nothing but hurt.
He didn't even break up with me. He just told me to go away for a bit. But it doesn't matter. Because I'm being shooed away and I don't know why. It means I'm hurting him. It means I can't help him any little bit. It means this is me helping him - not being there.
The thing is - I really can't just sit here and wait for him to be okay. I want to call him and ask how it's going, I want to send him a letter, or some food or anything at all. I want to go on some daring adventure across the world so I can find the one and only item in the entire world that will make it all okay again.
... but I can't. I have to sit here and wait. Just wait.
It's like those dreams- where you're trying to run away from something or to something and you jut can't make it.
I was trying to get into bed. I was trying really hard, but we had this small set of stairs and I had to crawl up them because I couldn't walk. It hurt because my knees weren't working properly and I was trying to haul myself up over each one. The edges of the stairs cut into each of my wounds and it hurt like hell but I didn't even notice, because the rest of me was hurting so badly- it registered but I didn't care anymore.
You know how when you're young, you remember things worse or bigger than they really are? Well, I do remember a lot of blood as I slid across the hallway to my room. It seems like a lot in my memory, but it mightn't have really been that much. It could have been that it hurt so bad that lots of blood would make sense.
It took me five times until I managed to clamber into my bed. I don't quite know what I expected from it - that the softness of my bed would magically heal all my wounds. I think I just shook until I feel asleep and when I woke up the sheets were stuck to my wounds so they all tore open when I moved.
I don't think I have ever hurt quite so much.
But it's the struggle that I'm feeling again. And that hurts more than anything, that I am so immobile, so incapable of doing anything at all. I am stuck here to do nothing but hurt.
He didn't even break up with me. He just told me to go away for a bit. But it doesn't matter. Because I'm being shooed away and I don't know why. It means I'm hurting him. It means I can't help him any little bit. It means this is me helping him - not being there.
The thing is - I really can't just sit here and wait for him to be okay. I want to call him and ask how it's going, I want to send him a letter, or some food or anything at all. I want to go on some daring adventure across the world so I can find the one and only item in the entire world that will make it all okay again.
... but I can't. I have to sit here and wait. Just wait.