i wanna be someone
i wanna be someone
jaejoong/yoochun
pg-13
a/n. song excerpts from 'casey' by darren hayes. for the dbsk_flashfic anniversary contest.
driving in your car
with the windows down
and the beat up stereo
struggle with this town
'cause you love to hate it
and hate it to let it go
Here in America things are a lot different. Here in America, being old or young doesn't count for anything and it's okay to wear your shoes around in the house. Yoochun still calls Jaejoong 'hyung', though, and he still takes off his dust-covered boots when he comes home so that his mother doesn't yell at him. More often than not, she's yelling at his father, so one time Yoochun kept his boots on. She never noticed, but he felt bad afterward and never did it again.
Yoochun imagines Jaejoong wouldn't mind it if he stopped calling him hyung, because Jaejoong's always been a rebel in every aspect of the word. He doesn't even have a family anymore, Yoochun and his own notwithstanding - he left them when they started suffocating his personality down with rules shaped like rumpled pillows. He got an apartment and holes and ink in his body and dyed his hair every color of the rainbow. Yoochun wrote him into a song and Jaejoong laughed as he read it, like a melody.
Jaejoong's got an old yellow car he bought on his sixteenth birthday, that Yoochun had to help buy because the jobs in this town don't pay more than enough to get you by. They go driving up and down and all around the old dirt roads because neither of them have their licenses, taking turns behind the wheel and harmonizing all their favorite songs. Jaejoong's always been the singer and Yoochun's always been the writer, and Jaejoong's cold where Yoochun's hot. Together they cancel each other out like perfection. Sometimes Yoochun wonders behind the singing as they drive, what his life might have been like without Jaejoong in it, and he feels cold. Jaejoong seems to sense it a lot, because when Yoochun's like that he sings louder and shoves at Yoochun's shoulder as if to say, hey sunshine, don't frown.
"I hate this town," Jaejoong says, fingers drumming against his worn-out, leather steering wheel. Jaejoong says he hates this town at least once a day, and twice if he's really agitated about something.
"Mmm," is Yoochun's answer. Yoochun's always agreed but he's never actually said the words. It's not really the town's fault, after all, the roads and the buildings and the dust and the sky are not capable of changing no matter how much they might want to. Mostly he just hates the people in it, with their ability to change and adapt and how they never do. They're stuck here with their wishes and their dreams of something more and they can't do anything about it. Yoochun wonders if this means he hates himself and Jaejoong, too.
Jaejoong affords him a glance just before Old Man Skinner's curve, and then they're flying. "Don't you ever just want to get out of here?" Jaejoong yells through the dust and the tires as they crumble rocks into pebbles.
Yes, Yoochun wants to say, but he just smiles instead, because Jaejoong's laughing so carelessly that it's all Yoochun wants to ever know. The truth is, Yoochun doesn't want to leave Jaejoong. He's just afraid Jaejoong will leave him first.
(They were eight when they met, in a dusty old town with less than three hundred people and even less fun things for kids to do. Everyone knew everyone, but Yoochun didn't know Jaejoong and Jaejoong acted like he knew everyone anyway, so it never really mattered one way or another to them. Jaejoong was the new boy in town and Yoochun stopped wondering if he was the only one with slanted eyes and too-pale skin when he saw Jaejoong swinging upside down on the city park's monkey bars. There was conversation and there was wonder and then there was nothing else but two boys skinning knees together in a race to get to the top of the hill, kings of forever.)
and we're all alone
and so tired of being underrated
so don't take me home
'cause i feel alive
when you come and save me
Jaejoong loses his virginity when he's seventeen and Yoochun's kind of jealous - not of Jaejoong, but the girl, with her pretty green eyes and her red, red hair that curls at the ends. Jaejoong doesn't stop talking about it for the entire day after, how soft her skin was, how her lips tasted like vanilla. Yoochun finally gets sick and tired of the feelings and tells Jaejoong to shut the fuck up and storms away to nowhere. It's not their first fight, but it's the first time Yoochun's felt so insecure that he's scared of fading away because he couldn't say what he needed to.
The thing about this town and Jaejoong is Yoochun will never escape them. They're stuck to him like glue and dust, and he's not sure which is which. He's sitting at the hill when Jaejoong pulls up, slams the door and starts yelling at Yoochun for being an idiot and just leaving like that and why doesn't he just talk to him instead of keeping it all inside.
"I don't want to do this, hyung," Yoochun says calmly, and Jaejoong goes quiet. "Could you just sit with me?"
Jaejoong does, and they're silent for a long, long while that's full of crickets and the cool evening breeze sweeping between the leaves of the old oak tree. Jaejoong's never been good at doing nothing though. He lights a cigarette even though he's been talking about quitting since last month. "Can we talk about it? I won't shout anymore."
Yoochun rocks back and forth between yes and no, settling on unsure and staying with it for a moment. "We could, but I don't think it'll do either of us any good," he finally replies, watching what little lights the town has twinkle in the distance. "Maybe someday, we'll talk about this. But not right now. I'm sorry I told you to shut the fuck up, though."
Yoochun can tell by the sigh that Jaejoong's not happy with his answer, but they both know once Yoochun's mind is made up, that's that, so Jaejoong doesn't push. "Fine," Jaejoong says after a short pause, leaning into Yoochun, and rests his head on Yoochun's shoulder, a sort of peace treaty. "But don't think I'll let you forget this. Someday, you'll tell me, whether you like it or not."
Yoochun has to smile at that, because they both also know Jaejoong is the world's worst at forgetting the important things. It's the small things he remembers. Yoochun won't forget though, because loving someone, that's just not something you can't think about.
(Their first fight happened when Jaejoong was nine and Yoochun was still eight. Yoochun was crying on the sidewalk while his mother and father screamed and Jaejoong laughed, called Yoochun a crybaby. Yoochun shoved Jaejoong to the ground and ran away to the hill, because that was the only place to go that was far away and not so far that his mother worried. Jaejoong followed him all the way there and shoved him back, yelled at him. They rolled and rolled, and when it was all said and done, Jaejoong told Yoochun he was sorry for calling Yoochun a crybaby and made Yoochun promise to never leave him again. Yoochun told him he wouldn't, as long as Jaejoong never shouted at him again.)
a yellow car
speeding down the southside freeway
we'll rewrite this movie
make it end like we want it to
They take a mini-road trip one week, seeking bigger thrills than this. Jaejoong says he wants to see if highway wind feels any different than back road wind, and Yoochun just wants to see cities all lit-up and shining at him like hope. One day, Yoochun wants them to go to Korea and see Seoul, maybe lose themselves in a crowd and never look back, but for now he'll settle. Yoochun drives, that way Jaejoong can lean out the window and shout and sing to the world as it passes by. Jaejoong's always had dreams of fame and Yoochun hopes he finds it. Fame would look good on Jaejoong, Yoochun thinks, with its designer clothes and spotlights on a dark stage.
There's three big cities on either side of their town, so they take them down one-by-one, running up sidewalks and yelling like there's nothing else they'd rather be doing, snapping pictures every three seconds, drinking in club after club until they're too drunk to do anything but collapse into one bed in a cheap motel room and sleep it all off. Jaejoong accuses Yoochun of hogging the blankets and Yoochun whines about Jaejoong's clinging, but Yoochun doesn't really mind and he doesn't think Jaejoong does, either.
In the last city, they skip the drinking and just go up to the roof of their motel and watch everything around them, talk about how they're really nothing but ants in the comparison of things. Jaejoong tells Yoochun that the girl he slept with wasn't all that great and Yoochun laughs and laughs because it's random and relieving and so Jaejoong that he almost wants to cry instead.
(When they were both almost thirteen, Jaejoong sang a song as they took a walk through a field, catching flowers with one hand and Yoochun's sleeve with the other. Yoochun asked Jaejoong to sing another, and another, and Jaejoong never once said no. He just kept singing until they reached the river and went under, where his melodious air didn't mean anything to anyone but Yoochun. He told Yoochun he was going to be a famous singer known throughout all of Asia, one day, and Yoochun believed him, wrote a song about it.)
every time we win
it just feels like losing
we were never gonna fit in
i was a mixed up kid
and you were my sanity
Yoochun stays over at Jaejoong's a lot for a while, and it's almost like they're living together, because he only ever goes home when he starts missing his family. His mother frowns at his wanting to stay at Jaejoong's all the time, but every now and then she just gives him this sad look that makes Yoochun think of regret. It gets better for a while after Yoochun's father gets a raise, and Yoochun stays at home more often because he's missed this, being happy and smiling at the kitchen table while his mother cooks a nice meal and his father jokes around with him. But good things never last and by the end of the month, everything's the same as it was before, Yoochun locked up in his room writing sad love songs while the accompaniment just gets louder and louder.
One night, the screaming gets too much for Yoochun to handle, so he runs to Jaejoong. Jaejoong doesn't ask and Yoochun doesn't tell. They both know why he's here and there's no reason to say anything at all. Jaejoong holds Yoochun tight and gives him more than a fair share of the blankets, and together they hide from the world. Yoochun knows it can't be forever, but sometimes he wishes it could, because Jaejoong is what keeps him grounded when he just wants to drift away.
"Do you want me to cook in the morning?" Jaejoong asks softly, when Yoochun's tears have turned to dry, salty tracks on his cheeks. "Can make your favorite."
Yoochun nods, smacking at Jaejoong's hand when he tries to wipe at Yoochun's cheeks. "Need to borrow some clothes, too," he whispers, even though he's got clothes he's left over. Jaejoong doesn't reply, just holds Yoochun tighter still and breathes into his neck, warm and comforting. "Do you think they'll ever realize they don't love each other anymore?" Yoochun asks after a moment, tired, but not sleepy.
Jaejoong hums and curls his heel around Yoochun's ankle. "I think they've known it for a while now, but they're trying to stick it out for you," he murmurs. "People do some pretty stupid things in the name of love."
Yoochun thinks about all the songs he's wrote and never showed anyone, the feelings that spill over the edges of paper and seep into every crack of his life. "Yeah," he says in agreement. "Yeah, they do."
(When Yoochun was fourteen, he stayed with Jaejoong for a week straight. Jaejoong's mother was working overnights and never knew, and Jaejoong's sisters promised they wouldn't tell. Jaejoong was the designated cook, but he didn't seem to ever mind, and even sang and danced while he did it. The first day, Jaejoong asked Yoochun what his favorite breakfast was. Yoochun helped with the dishes because he felt like he should, despite Jaejoong's and his sisters' protests that Yoochun was a guest. Yoochun's mother didn't notice he was gone until the third day, but Yoochun didn't notice he was gone until the last.)
in a yellow car
we don't even have to go far
'cause that song you're playing
sounds like peace on the radio
In the summer of their eighteenth year, the biggest record company in Korea holds global auditions in the city to their left. Jaejoong's brimming with excitement, and through the drop of his heart to his stomach, Yoochun's excited for him, as well. They both have dreams and Yoochun can settle for Jaejoong's coming true. The occasion calls for a re-dye of Jaejoong's hair from copper to black, singing almost every second of time they spend together, and another flight across the highway.
The stereo gives out halfway there, so Jaejoong fills the almost-silence with his song, the choppy syllables of she will be loved soaring over the dull roar of the wind. They'll fix the stereo when they get home, because Jaejoong's never had the heart to replace the old thing with a new one. This one's got memories, he's always said. Yoochun doesn't sing along with Jaejoong this time around, he knows this is something Jaejoong has to do on his own. So he sits in the passenger seat and nurses his torn feelings, watching the line on the side of the road stay constant while everything else around him changes. Jaejoong sings louder.
The city's different this time, because Yoochun's standing on pins and needles, swallowing down fears because Jaejoong's good, he's damn good, and he's going to leave. Yoochun can feel him slipping away even now, with every slide of his voice over scales. When Jaejoong's not practicing, he's smoking, and between the two of them they go through a pack and a half in less than a day.
"Do you think I'll make it?" Jaejoong asks as they sit on the roof in a moment of deja vu, sharing the last cigarette and a six pack of beer Jaejoong bought with his fake ID. His voice is smooth but it shakes, full of nerves and maybe something Yoochun's wishing for.
"Do I even have to answer that?" Yoochun says, knocking back the rest of his beer. He reaches for another, seeking numbness. "You're amazing."
Jaejoong grins, then sighs softly, fingering the edges of the wall in front of them. "I still hate that town," he says.
"Yeah," Yoochun agrees softly. "I hate it, too." If Jaejoong's ever noticed, he doesn't say anything to commemorate the moment.
(Jaejoong decided he hated the town when he turned sixteen and he left his mom for a tattoo and a nipple piercing. He stayed at Yoochun's and went shirtless for a week straight, took cold showers and slept curled up on his side across from Yoochun. He sang Yoochun to sleep every night and when things got bad, they snuck outside to stay up together and listen to the night. I hate this town, Jaejoong said as they walked to school, but I could never hate you. Yoochun just smiled and smiled.)
when you go
can you come and find me
wanna be beside you
when you leave this town
if you take me away
all the pain will change
into a memory
of when we were amazing
Jaejoong has only two days to pack and say his goodbyes before he leaves for Korea. Yoochun's torn between wanting to lock himself away in his room and write the rest of his life away and wanting to tell Jaejoong all the things he should have said a year ago. Yoochun wonders if Jaejoong even remembers. Locking himself away wins out for the better part of the first day, where Yoochun digs out all of his old songs and re-reads them one-by-one, pretending the wet drops on the paper aren't his, pretending his cell phone's turned off when it's really ringing.
The door slams twice and two different cars start outside, then everything's quiet. Jaejoong's stopped calling and Yoochun's counting down the minutes until he's knocking on the front door. He thinks Yoochun is angry with him, and in some tiny part of him, Yoochun is. But emotions are only layers and the one on top will always be love, and in the end, Yoochun knows this is for the best. It's what Jaejoong was born to do, just like Yoochun was born to love the smell of paper and ink and the way piano keys feel beneath his fingertips. He lives and breathes it like he lives and breathes Jaejoong, the first song and the only song.
Jaejoong shows up at ten minutes past eight, with red-rimmed eyes and nothing to say. They both know there's nothing that can be said. Yoochun's got his heart scattered across the room on pieces of paper and Jaejoong reads every single one. Yoochun doesn't have to pretend those tear drops are just his, anymore.
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong whispers as they hide beneath Yoochun's blankets and forget about the world. "I'm sorry I made you promise never to leave me and now I'm-"
"Don't," Yoochun says, caught between I love you and then don't. He's not sure which ones he's leaning more towards right now. "You're here right now."
Jaejoong's silent for a beat, then, murmurs, "Can we talk about it now, Yoochun?"
Yoochun shakes his head, bumping Jaejoong's nose for how close together they are, sharing air. "There's nothing to talk about, now, hyung." There's nothing to talk about, so Yoochun just kisses Jaejoong softly, like he's wanted to do since he can't remember when. It was always Jaejoong who remembered the small things. And it's Jaejoong that kisses Yoochun back, it's Jaejoong that Yoochun keeps kissing until the darkness runs out and they can't hide anymore.
of when we were amazing
when we were
driving in your car
with the windows down
and the beat up stereo
(The night before Jaejoong left, they took a ride like they always did. Jaejoong had an arm out the window and the stereo was fixed, but only playing parts of songs, so they filled in the missing pieces.
"Have you ever been in love, Yoochunah?" Jaejoong asked, in between I knew I loved you and I think I dreamed you into life as they flew the curve of Old Man Skinner for the last time.
Yoochun looked over and Jaejoong was smiling and laughing like he already knew, so Yoochun just laughed along.)
come on and get me
come on and rescue me
coming through the sky
like a satellite
like a radio wave
a meteorite
The day after Jaejoong leaves, Yoochun takes the car down to the river and washes it, singing snatches of an old, familiar song. It doesn't sound as beautiful as it did before, but it's the memories that count. Then he takes the car down to have it looked at, and specifically tells them to leave the stereo alone. Jaejoong's apartment is now Yoochun's, and he doesn't do a thing to it save for cleaning up here and there, emptying ashtrays Jaejoong never got around to. Jaejoong was always the smoker, but Yoochun became addicted somewhere along the way, so he leaves them, just in case. His songs are hung on the walls, his piano set up against the window so he can watch the world while he pens thoughts and feelings.
The end of the day is spent sitting on the hill with the car parked behind him, remembering skinned knees and promises as the sun goes down, and when what lights the town still has left shine at Yoochun in the darkness, he thinks they look a little like hope, now.
jaejoong/yoochun
pg-13
a/n. song excerpts from 'casey' by darren hayes. for the dbsk_flashfic anniversary contest.
driving in your car
with the windows down
and the beat up stereo
struggle with this town
'cause you love to hate it
and hate it to let it go
Here in America things are a lot different. Here in America, being old or young doesn't count for anything and it's okay to wear your shoes around in the house. Yoochun still calls Jaejoong 'hyung', though, and he still takes off his dust-covered boots when he comes home so that his mother doesn't yell at him. More often than not, she's yelling at his father, so one time Yoochun kept his boots on. She never noticed, but he felt bad afterward and never did it again.
Yoochun imagines Jaejoong wouldn't mind it if he stopped calling him hyung, because Jaejoong's always been a rebel in every aspect of the word. He doesn't even have a family anymore, Yoochun and his own notwithstanding - he left them when they started suffocating his personality down with rules shaped like rumpled pillows. He got an apartment and holes and ink in his body and dyed his hair every color of the rainbow. Yoochun wrote him into a song and Jaejoong laughed as he read it, like a melody.
Jaejoong's got an old yellow car he bought on his sixteenth birthday, that Yoochun had to help buy because the jobs in this town don't pay more than enough to get you by. They go driving up and down and all around the old dirt roads because neither of them have their licenses, taking turns behind the wheel and harmonizing all their favorite songs. Jaejoong's always been the singer and Yoochun's always been the writer, and Jaejoong's cold where Yoochun's hot. Together they cancel each other out like perfection. Sometimes Yoochun wonders behind the singing as they drive, what his life might have been like without Jaejoong in it, and he feels cold. Jaejoong seems to sense it a lot, because when Yoochun's like that he sings louder and shoves at Yoochun's shoulder as if to say, hey sunshine, don't frown.
"I hate this town," Jaejoong says, fingers drumming against his worn-out, leather steering wheel. Jaejoong says he hates this town at least once a day, and twice if he's really agitated about something.
"Mmm," is Yoochun's answer. Yoochun's always agreed but he's never actually said the words. It's not really the town's fault, after all, the roads and the buildings and the dust and the sky are not capable of changing no matter how much they might want to. Mostly he just hates the people in it, with their ability to change and adapt and how they never do. They're stuck here with their wishes and their dreams of something more and they can't do anything about it. Yoochun wonders if this means he hates himself and Jaejoong, too.
Jaejoong affords him a glance just before Old Man Skinner's curve, and then they're flying. "Don't you ever just want to get out of here?" Jaejoong yells through the dust and the tires as they crumble rocks into pebbles.
Yes, Yoochun wants to say, but he just smiles instead, because Jaejoong's laughing so carelessly that it's all Yoochun wants to ever know. The truth is, Yoochun doesn't want to leave Jaejoong. He's just afraid Jaejoong will leave him first.
(They were eight when they met, in a dusty old town with less than three hundred people and even less fun things for kids to do. Everyone knew everyone, but Yoochun didn't know Jaejoong and Jaejoong acted like he knew everyone anyway, so it never really mattered one way or another to them. Jaejoong was the new boy in town and Yoochun stopped wondering if he was the only one with slanted eyes and too-pale skin when he saw Jaejoong swinging upside down on the city park's monkey bars. There was conversation and there was wonder and then there was nothing else but two boys skinning knees together in a race to get to the top of the hill, kings of forever.)
and we're all alone
and so tired of being underrated
so don't take me home
'cause i feel alive
when you come and save me
Jaejoong loses his virginity when he's seventeen and Yoochun's kind of jealous - not of Jaejoong, but the girl, with her pretty green eyes and her red, red hair that curls at the ends. Jaejoong doesn't stop talking about it for the entire day after, how soft her skin was, how her lips tasted like vanilla. Yoochun finally gets sick and tired of the feelings and tells Jaejoong to shut the fuck up and storms away to nowhere. It's not their first fight, but it's the first time Yoochun's felt so insecure that he's scared of fading away because he couldn't say what he needed to.
The thing about this town and Jaejoong is Yoochun will never escape them. They're stuck to him like glue and dust, and he's not sure which is which. He's sitting at the hill when Jaejoong pulls up, slams the door and starts yelling at Yoochun for being an idiot and just leaving like that and why doesn't he just talk to him instead of keeping it all inside.
"I don't want to do this, hyung," Yoochun says calmly, and Jaejoong goes quiet. "Could you just sit with me?"
Jaejoong does, and they're silent for a long, long while that's full of crickets and the cool evening breeze sweeping between the leaves of the old oak tree. Jaejoong's never been good at doing nothing though. He lights a cigarette even though he's been talking about quitting since last month. "Can we talk about it? I won't shout anymore."
Yoochun rocks back and forth between yes and no, settling on unsure and staying with it for a moment. "We could, but I don't think it'll do either of us any good," he finally replies, watching what little lights the town has twinkle in the distance. "Maybe someday, we'll talk about this. But not right now. I'm sorry I told you to shut the fuck up, though."
Yoochun can tell by the sigh that Jaejoong's not happy with his answer, but they both know once Yoochun's mind is made up, that's that, so Jaejoong doesn't push. "Fine," Jaejoong says after a short pause, leaning into Yoochun, and rests his head on Yoochun's shoulder, a sort of peace treaty. "But don't think I'll let you forget this. Someday, you'll tell me, whether you like it or not."
Yoochun has to smile at that, because they both also know Jaejoong is the world's worst at forgetting the important things. It's the small things he remembers. Yoochun won't forget though, because loving someone, that's just not something you can't think about.
(Their first fight happened when Jaejoong was nine and Yoochun was still eight. Yoochun was crying on the sidewalk while his mother and father screamed and Jaejoong laughed, called Yoochun a crybaby. Yoochun shoved Jaejoong to the ground and ran away to the hill, because that was the only place to go that was far away and not so far that his mother worried. Jaejoong followed him all the way there and shoved him back, yelled at him. They rolled and rolled, and when it was all said and done, Jaejoong told Yoochun he was sorry for calling Yoochun a crybaby and made Yoochun promise to never leave him again. Yoochun told him he wouldn't, as long as Jaejoong never shouted at him again.)
a yellow car
speeding down the southside freeway
we'll rewrite this movie
make it end like we want it to
They take a mini-road trip one week, seeking bigger thrills than this. Jaejoong says he wants to see if highway wind feels any different than back road wind, and Yoochun just wants to see cities all lit-up and shining at him like hope. One day, Yoochun wants them to go to Korea and see Seoul, maybe lose themselves in a crowd and never look back, but for now he'll settle. Yoochun drives, that way Jaejoong can lean out the window and shout and sing to the world as it passes by. Jaejoong's always had dreams of fame and Yoochun hopes he finds it. Fame would look good on Jaejoong, Yoochun thinks, with its designer clothes and spotlights on a dark stage.
There's three big cities on either side of their town, so they take them down one-by-one, running up sidewalks and yelling like there's nothing else they'd rather be doing, snapping pictures every three seconds, drinking in club after club until they're too drunk to do anything but collapse into one bed in a cheap motel room and sleep it all off. Jaejoong accuses Yoochun of hogging the blankets and Yoochun whines about Jaejoong's clinging, but Yoochun doesn't really mind and he doesn't think Jaejoong does, either.
In the last city, they skip the drinking and just go up to the roof of their motel and watch everything around them, talk about how they're really nothing but ants in the comparison of things. Jaejoong tells Yoochun that the girl he slept with wasn't all that great and Yoochun laughs and laughs because it's random and relieving and so Jaejoong that he almost wants to cry instead.
(When they were both almost thirteen, Jaejoong sang a song as they took a walk through a field, catching flowers with one hand and Yoochun's sleeve with the other. Yoochun asked Jaejoong to sing another, and another, and Jaejoong never once said no. He just kept singing until they reached the river and went under, where his melodious air didn't mean anything to anyone but Yoochun. He told Yoochun he was going to be a famous singer known throughout all of Asia, one day, and Yoochun believed him, wrote a song about it.)
every time we win
it just feels like losing
we were never gonna fit in
i was a mixed up kid
and you were my sanity
Yoochun stays over at Jaejoong's a lot for a while, and it's almost like they're living together, because he only ever goes home when he starts missing his family. His mother frowns at his wanting to stay at Jaejoong's all the time, but every now and then she just gives him this sad look that makes Yoochun think of regret. It gets better for a while after Yoochun's father gets a raise, and Yoochun stays at home more often because he's missed this, being happy and smiling at the kitchen table while his mother cooks a nice meal and his father jokes around with him. But good things never last and by the end of the month, everything's the same as it was before, Yoochun locked up in his room writing sad love songs while the accompaniment just gets louder and louder.
One night, the screaming gets too much for Yoochun to handle, so he runs to Jaejoong. Jaejoong doesn't ask and Yoochun doesn't tell. They both know why he's here and there's no reason to say anything at all. Jaejoong holds Yoochun tight and gives him more than a fair share of the blankets, and together they hide from the world. Yoochun knows it can't be forever, but sometimes he wishes it could, because Jaejoong is what keeps him grounded when he just wants to drift away.
"Do you want me to cook in the morning?" Jaejoong asks softly, when Yoochun's tears have turned to dry, salty tracks on his cheeks. "Can make your favorite."
Yoochun nods, smacking at Jaejoong's hand when he tries to wipe at Yoochun's cheeks. "Need to borrow some clothes, too," he whispers, even though he's got clothes he's left over. Jaejoong doesn't reply, just holds Yoochun tighter still and breathes into his neck, warm and comforting. "Do you think they'll ever realize they don't love each other anymore?" Yoochun asks after a moment, tired, but not sleepy.
Jaejoong hums and curls his heel around Yoochun's ankle. "I think they've known it for a while now, but they're trying to stick it out for you," he murmurs. "People do some pretty stupid things in the name of love."
Yoochun thinks about all the songs he's wrote and never showed anyone, the feelings that spill over the edges of paper and seep into every crack of his life. "Yeah," he says in agreement. "Yeah, they do."
(When Yoochun was fourteen, he stayed with Jaejoong for a week straight. Jaejoong's mother was working overnights and never knew, and Jaejoong's sisters promised they wouldn't tell. Jaejoong was the designated cook, but he didn't seem to ever mind, and even sang and danced while he did it. The first day, Jaejoong asked Yoochun what his favorite breakfast was. Yoochun helped with the dishes because he felt like he should, despite Jaejoong's and his sisters' protests that Yoochun was a guest. Yoochun's mother didn't notice he was gone until the third day, but Yoochun didn't notice he was gone until the last.)
in a yellow car
we don't even have to go far
'cause that song you're playing
sounds like peace on the radio
In the summer of their eighteenth year, the biggest record company in Korea holds global auditions in the city to their left. Jaejoong's brimming with excitement, and through the drop of his heart to his stomach, Yoochun's excited for him, as well. They both have dreams and Yoochun can settle for Jaejoong's coming true. The occasion calls for a re-dye of Jaejoong's hair from copper to black, singing almost every second of time they spend together, and another flight across the highway.
The stereo gives out halfway there, so Jaejoong fills the almost-silence with his song, the choppy syllables of she will be loved soaring over the dull roar of the wind. They'll fix the stereo when they get home, because Jaejoong's never had the heart to replace the old thing with a new one. This one's got memories, he's always said. Yoochun doesn't sing along with Jaejoong this time around, he knows this is something Jaejoong has to do on his own. So he sits in the passenger seat and nurses his torn feelings, watching the line on the side of the road stay constant while everything else around him changes. Jaejoong sings louder.
The city's different this time, because Yoochun's standing on pins and needles, swallowing down fears because Jaejoong's good, he's damn good, and he's going to leave. Yoochun can feel him slipping away even now, with every slide of his voice over scales. When Jaejoong's not practicing, he's smoking, and between the two of them they go through a pack and a half in less than a day.
"Do you think I'll make it?" Jaejoong asks as they sit on the roof in a moment of deja vu, sharing the last cigarette and a six pack of beer Jaejoong bought with his fake ID. His voice is smooth but it shakes, full of nerves and maybe something Yoochun's wishing for.
"Do I even have to answer that?" Yoochun says, knocking back the rest of his beer. He reaches for another, seeking numbness. "You're amazing."
Jaejoong grins, then sighs softly, fingering the edges of the wall in front of them. "I still hate that town," he says.
"Yeah," Yoochun agrees softly. "I hate it, too." If Jaejoong's ever noticed, he doesn't say anything to commemorate the moment.
(Jaejoong decided he hated the town when he turned sixteen and he left his mom for a tattoo and a nipple piercing. He stayed at Yoochun's and went shirtless for a week straight, took cold showers and slept curled up on his side across from Yoochun. He sang Yoochun to sleep every night and when things got bad, they snuck outside to stay up together and listen to the night. I hate this town, Jaejoong said as they walked to school, but I could never hate you. Yoochun just smiled and smiled.)
when you go
can you come and find me
wanna be beside you
when you leave this town
if you take me away
all the pain will change
into a memory
of when we were amazing
Jaejoong has only two days to pack and say his goodbyes before he leaves for Korea. Yoochun's torn between wanting to lock himself away in his room and write the rest of his life away and wanting to tell Jaejoong all the things he should have said a year ago. Yoochun wonders if Jaejoong even remembers. Locking himself away wins out for the better part of the first day, where Yoochun digs out all of his old songs and re-reads them one-by-one, pretending the wet drops on the paper aren't his, pretending his cell phone's turned off when it's really ringing.
The door slams twice and two different cars start outside, then everything's quiet. Jaejoong's stopped calling and Yoochun's counting down the minutes until he's knocking on the front door. He thinks Yoochun is angry with him, and in some tiny part of him, Yoochun is. But emotions are only layers and the one on top will always be love, and in the end, Yoochun knows this is for the best. It's what Jaejoong was born to do, just like Yoochun was born to love the smell of paper and ink and the way piano keys feel beneath his fingertips. He lives and breathes it like he lives and breathes Jaejoong, the first song and the only song.
Jaejoong shows up at ten minutes past eight, with red-rimmed eyes and nothing to say. They both know there's nothing that can be said. Yoochun's got his heart scattered across the room on pieces of paper and Jaejoong reads every single one. Yoochun doesn't have to pretend those tear drops are just his, anymore.
"I'm sorry," Jaejoong whispers as they hide beneath Yoochun's blankets and forget about the world. "I'm sorry I made you promise never to leave me and now I'm-"
"Don't," Yoochun says, caught between I love you and then don't. He's not sure which ones he's leaning more towards right now. "You're here right now."
Jaejoong's silent for a beat, then, murmurs, "Can we talk about it now, Yoochun?"
Yoochun shakes his head, bumping Jaejoong's nose for how close together they are, sharing air. "There's nothing to talk about, now, hyung." There's nothing to talk about, so Yoochun just kisses Jaejoong softly, like he's wanted to do since he can't remember when. It was always Jaejoong who remembered the small things. And it's Jaejoong that kisses Yoochun back, it's Jaejoong that Yoochun keeps kissing until the darkness runs out and they can't hide anymore.
of when we were amazing
when we were
driving in your car
with the windows down
and the beat up stereo
(The night before Jaejoong left, they took a ride like they always did. Jaejoong had an arm out the window and the stereo was fixed, but only playing parts of songs, so they filled in the missing pieces.
"Have you ever been in love, Yoochunah?" Jaejoong asked, in between I knew I loved you and I think I dreamed you into life as they flew the curve of Old Man Skinner for the last time.
Yoochun looked over and Jaejoong was smiling and laughing like he already knew, so Yoochun just laughed along.)
come on and get me
come on and rescue me
coming through the sky
like a satellite
like a radio wave
a meteorite
The day after Jaejoong leaves, Yoochun takes the car down to the river and washes it, singing snatches of an old, familiar song. It doesn't sound as beautiful as it did before, but it's the memories that count. Then he takes the car down to have it looked at, and specifically tells them to leave the stereo alone. Jaejoong's apartment is now Yoochun's, and he doesn't do a thing to it save for cleaning up here and there, emptying ashtrays Jaejoong never got around to. Jaejoong was always the smoker, but Yoochun became addicted somewhere along the way, so he leaves them, just in case. His songs are hung on the walls, his piano set up against the window so he can watch the world while he pens thoughts and feelings.
The end of the day is spent sitting on the hill with the car parked behind him, remembering skinned knees and promises as the sun goes down, and when what lights the town still has left shine at Yoochun in the darkness, he thinks they look a little like hope, now.