My mind is made
So I have decided that I don't need a man to make me happy after a long talk with CJ the other night I have decided to put an end to the idea of a boyfriend. It's sad when the one person you loved and hated and loved again is the one giving you advice. When your ex is giving you advice on what you should do I guess you have to listen. I mean he knows alot about the way I think which sucks in a way but is great in another. Oh well. He told me exactly what everyone else has. So I guess it's time I listen. I do need to grow up and stop worrying about what others say and what others think about me. I have learned that no matter how nice you are to other girls if they are jealous of you that they will never really be a true friend. I should have listened when CJ told me to stay away from Toni and Lindsay but I thought they wouldn't do the shit they did. Mitchell is one of those guys that dosen't know what he wants I try to make it work but until he realizes that his ex just used him and dosen't really care about him I think there is no way to reconcile. Then there is all the other guys I have been out with. Trust me it's alot. I don't want to lose them as friends but I can no longer lead them on. I think since I have been on my own I have become exactly what I hate in a guy. I am the ultimate player. Yeah I know that is hard to swallow but it's true. I have managed to have three or four guys at one time. They never knew of each other. Til this day they still don't. I made it clear to them that I wasn't after a relationship and that I did have other friends. The thing is I didn't mess around with any of them. I could but I didn't so. It was crazy. Majority of the numbers in my cellphone consist of guys I have met and hungout with. So like I was saying I am not going thru this anymore. I am fed up of people thinking that I am just a sex object. I can no longer just have sex with someone because I think it might sway their decesions. I realize that a good guy is hard to find. I don't want to learn to love somebody. I want to fall in love. I want to feel all those butterflies swimming in my stomach whenever he walks into the room. I want everything about him to be so irrisistable that I can't keep my hands off of him. So if I have to wait for that I will because I want the type of love that great stories are made of. I know you all may think it dosen't exsist but take from someone who knows I have felt that way before. Yes it may not exsist now with that person but before things got bad that is how I felt. He would walk into a room and my heart would just start racing and we may not be together now but it's fine because I have a good friend in him. I don't feel that way when I see him now because I realize that he was meant to be my friend. Yeah I know this is sappy but get the fuck over it. I am going to be happy and actually do what I want to do. No matter what I am going to run my life. No one else. If i never find love fuck it. Life is to short to live in the past, to short to regret your actions, and to short not to live it to the fullest.