Break-Up Poem
I'm just looking through the break-up book I made a few days after me and Evan broke up. There's a poem in there I want to put down in here. It's called I want to die. I really didn't want to die when I wrote this, I was just trying to let it out...anyway here it is: I want to die so I can't feel my pain. I want to die so I can regain. Or awake from the sleep where I lay without thought. You may think my pain's over you but it's not. It's about the stories we've made. Of our future with hope. These last few days, it's like I've been on dope.It's about the stuff we have shared that have brought us together. And I can find no one, ever, more worthy or better.You were there when I've lost people, and I'd begun to lose hope. But the future is clear, like some morbid horoscope. First way: I die soon, my last thought of you. Not many people at my wake, only a couple or few. Second way: I live on, with pain and regret. Because I'm not going to get better, just worse, I bet. Thinking of you, I'll be dead before noon. I want to die, and it better be soon. My whole life has been painful, right from the start. I'm overly sensitive, and have a breakable heart. I've tried making you see, if you leave I get hurt. But you can't give a shit, and fill my hope with dirt. I thought I'd finally found you, the only, the one. But now just the thought of you, makes me want a gun. I'd never kill you, no I love you too much. But you don't feel the same, I just have a hunch. I know you gave me your reasons, but I just don't believe. They don't make any sense, I think, as I cry into my sleeve. If you really loved, this wouldn't have ended. If I'm not mistaken, the truth was much bended. If you were truly in love, you wouldn't cause all this pain. It's growing bigger and bigger, after starting out like a stain. You promised you'd never do this, for always and ever. But that promise you broke, oh, so polite and so clever. You knew I would beg, you knew I would Plead. Not at first, but then, on the pain I began to feed. I will die, not for you, but for me this time. As long as you're told the news, be it your phone or mine. You've ruined my life, and my sanity as well. You didn't want to be controled, so now I'm in hell. I've tried explaining it, over and over. But you still don't get it, like i'm a pushover. So maybe if I die, you'll understand. The Pain burns through me, like a Holacaust Brand.
Reading this now, I realize it's not one of my best works of art, but at the time I couldn't think clearly at all. One phrase I've been writing on car windows and stuff, is "I've become so numb, but I can feel the pain." I'm not sure what it means, but I know it's what I feel. What I feel is, I just miss him. At this point I would be satified with just being friends, just to have him to talk to to. Because I was so close to him, that I pushed my other friends away so now I'm left with very few. Everyone was telling me it wasn't healthy to be that close, with only each other but I didn't listen, because that closeness felt great, it felt like I was getting more presents everytime I saw him. But it wasn't the gifts I cared about. It was that he cared that much, he spent like all his money on me, the whole time I begging him not to. And I loved how we knew each other so well, and he always knew when I was upset, no matter how much I tried to disguise it. Now I'm learning that he was just a pushover the whole time, just did those things to please me, now he wants to please his parents. But I need him back, it's like I can't function without him. Sure, I can function, but I'm sad all the time and he's always on my mind. If you've ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend who you were this close with, you'd know what I mean when they get taken away. Anyway, I just came to write down that poem, but I ended up writing more about Evan. Got to go. More Later.
Reading this now, I realize it's not one of my best works of art, but at the time I couldn't think clearly at all. One phrase I've been writing on car windows and stuff, is "I've become so numb, but I can feel the pain." I'm not sure what it means, but I know it's what I feel. What I feel is, I just miss him. At this point I would be satified with just being friends, just to have him to talk to to. Because I was so close to him, that I pushed my other friends away so now I'm left with very few. Everyone was telling me it wasn't healthy to be that close, with only each other but I didn't listen, because that closeness felt great, it felt like I was getting more presents everytime I saw him. But it wasn't the gifts I cared about. It was that he cared that much, he spent like all his money on me, the whole time I begging him not to. And I loved how we knew each other so well, and he always knew when I was upset, no matter how much I tried to disguise it. Now I'm learning that he was just a pushover the whole time, just did those things to please me, now he wants to please his parents. But I need him back, it's like I can't function without him. Sure, I can function, but I'm sad all the time and he's always on my mind. If you've ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend who you were this close with, you'd know what I mean when they get taken away. Anyway, I just came to write down that poem, but I ended up writing more about Evan. Got to go. More Later.