c'est la vie
so this has been absolutely one of the worst weeks i've had ever. lost all my keys on monday. (never found them). A 'friend' tells me on tuesday that i'm worthless and he doesnt want me in his life anymore. wed looks better.... OH but wait. Thursday i come out to my car to find someone had keyed it from one end to the other down the passenger side. oh yea. that was the tip of the iceburg. So, after some debate and speaking with sammie and cash and matt (though he was drunk) i decided to go out. despite the fact i knew certain people were goin to be there. i just got there a lil early and started drinking some. and so soon, everyone arrives including randy and dane. i was at the bar getting my second or third beer when dane notices i was standing there... well for some odd reason he has continued this unfounded want to still be friends. So, he comes over and gives me a hug while randy is standing behind him. *sighs* that was the most awkard hug i've ever given. it was the longest 15 seconds ever. and THEN as if feeling obligated, randy proceeds to give me a hug. i'm like "WTF!" why does he want to give me a hug. he was the one saying two days ago that i "worthless" and he didnt want me in his life anylonger. christ jesus make up your mind. needless to say, the whole 'hugging' charade was pointless and should/could have been avoided. all three of us were uncomfortable to say the leats. and then the rest of the night they ignored me. Which, was fine with me, i wasnt up there to see them.
and frankly ignoring me and treating me like crap, although rough at times, actually in fact helps me to see that i really dont deserve his crap or have need for it. honestly i'm a totally different person when i'm not around him. i laugh kid joke play around - not afraid to act goofy. around him i'm always afraid he'll look down on me for it. beth is right. i've been holding on the friendship that isn't worth my time or effort if i'm the only one putting work into it. we've tried to be friends for over a year and a half. most of that time has been miserable.... so why torture myself anymore. why continue the stress?
so as i sit here at work, still a lil drunk 'cause i'm definatly not hungover, i've decided that i agree with beth. there's nothing holding me to this friendship. i'm only called upon when it's convienent, only needed when it's the last resort and only good enough to hang out when dane is busy.
so, whatever happens happens. i'm not fighting anymore. i have friends who love me and have proven that to me over and over again, esp this week. i'll be cordial and nod or smile if nodded and smiled at first. but i will not make the effort as i have in the past...
over all i had a good time last night. i had rotating dance partners. lol. sammie and i had a dirty lil number on the dance floor, as did cash and i.... mmhmm hot! hehe.
alright kids. it's friday finally! woohoo! tonight = more debautchary and public display of humiliation from me dancing! see ya out!