Jan 24, 2006 08:29
so if anyone knows me they know i've had a rough few days.
lots of stuff goin on. sometime's i wonder how i havent had a complete nervous break down. lost my keys yesterday. got a pretty heavy ticket last week. my family is a mess with situations i wont go into. my 'best friend' and sadly use the term lightly, only 'needs' me when he'd had too much of his boyfriend. and it sucks because when we do hang out we have the best of times. i mean nobody i know can i talk about politics and nerd out to. but i can with him. and i've sworn i'll always be there for him, but it pains me to know that although i try as hard as i do, he doesn't. and he gets so angry with me most of the time because i push and push to be a bigger part of his life. i honestly know that there's no way i'm going to be (or want to be) the biggest part of his life, but i feel that our history and our relationship warrents better treatment than i receive. and i try not to let it affect things, however, it's times like now when we're not really speaking that i have no appetite, i dont sleep, i'm on edge and i cry for no apparent reason. it's almost as if i'm losing it. and i found out that he tells people how 'psycho' i am and how much problems i start. i know i'm not perfect, i've never claimed to be. but i know not everything can be blamed on me. friendships and relationships are compromise, and give and take. and i feel like i compromise and give and give and give somemore, but whenever i need the reciprication, i get hell for it. i just want to go away from jacksonville. i just want to go away from everything i know. i'm tired of people who no longer know how to talk to me because things they've heard other people say. i was made to feel unwelcome by one orgaization i helped start at unf, but i never thought the second organization i helped form would turn around and bite me in the ass. i cant go to a meeting, or an event. i'm not welcome. and it's not all my fault. people dont realize that their choices not alone affect themselves but others around them. as much as people would like to believe that their choices only affect them, the fact of the matter is, things are so simple; esspecially when we're all in an organization and the two of us helped form it.
but, if it's one hard lession i've had to learn over and over, the only thing that stays the same in life is change. things change, plans fail....
i'm not saying any of this for sypmathy. i don't really need any. but i want others to know how much my heart aches. i want someone in particular to know that as angry as he stays at me, i hold nothing against you. life is too short. caring too much as proven to be a weakness for me, but i dont believe it should be that way. caring for other, for relationships should never be made to feel anything less than special. call me idealistic if you will. i try to find the good in all. (others will call it niave). i'm far from niave. i've been around the road a few times. had my break broken, and dont easily allow others into it much anymore. but i dont believe we are on this planet for any other reason but to care and love for each other.
and so, as i sit here at work, and small amounts of tears crawl down my face i want you to know this. i hold nothing against you. i'm not angry with you. there's no point. i can't ask you to not be angry with me, for the simple fact that i cannot ask anyone to live as i do. i just want you to realize that life is short. and one day i might not be here. i could leave this earth tonight. and if that were to happen how would you look at things between us? tomorrow was tomorrow. today is today. let yesterdays problems stay in the past. let today be and always be a chance at something new...
Jason