the holidays are...
for most people holidays are the days we get to spend with our families, they are supposed to be days that are filled with memories and love. When we all return home or wherever for thanksgiving, what do most of you plan to do...I'm guessing hanging out with friends, sleeping, and partying, right? Well, what does a person do when they don't want to see the family, what does this person do if they don't care about their old lives? When I look forward to Thanksgiving, I find myself actually looking back on the dinners filled with nagging and arguments about crap that was so insignificant in its need but so important to the person arguing principals. Personally, my home life away from college is one I like to avoid. I usually avoid my mom's calls from Florida, and get nagged by my father about shit I'm not doing right in his mind. I personally am getting tired of all this clutter in my life and am thinking of how I can clean house. I won't lie when I say there have been time I have wanted to just beat the shit out of my dad, and tell my stepmom to show here phd up here ass, but my inuition has kept me from "burning my bridges". I can't imagine spending a weekend with my parents, I feel like if I do I will explode and say or do something that will screw me over later.
I recently recieved a letter from my brother, he told me in his letter that he will be getting out of prison in february of 2020, at the earliest. Now, I know I have some some positive and negative (mostly negative) things about my brother and our relationship. Well, I am beginning to see why he had such trouble with my mom in florida nad my dad when he visited. Granted he was a easily tempered pyshco, but he couldn't deal with people he thought didn't understand him or tried to control his life too much. That is how I feel right now. My dad said to me the other day that you better not mess up your gpa doug if you want to go to grad school. In my head I was like wait a fucking second, who the hell said I wanted to go to grad school and who are you to tell me how to live my life, but I simply said to him yes dad, I know. There are times when I wish ill will on certain people in my life, not because I hate or dislike them, just because they get on my nerves. I seriously think I have some of my brother's psycological problems. Lately it feels like all the forces in my life are holding me down, when all I want to do is fly. Now most of you can say that you have felt that way sometime or another but I have felt that way all my life.
When I look back on my childhood I can barely remember any true happy moments. I can name times that have been fun, but the events that have shaped my life the most have been in my mind traumatic or horrifying. I'm not saying I could have avoided them, but I was so scared into being flexible and submissive that I lost my free will. By the time I left Florida to move to Michigan, I realized that because of what I have been through I was more wise in the ways of life than most kids my age. Around the age of 13, I was silently profiling psycological problems in my family, I was my brother's source of free labor, and my mother's failed expirement at raising a child without discipline. I blame most of my problems on my mom and my brother and me. At a young age my problems were minor scrapes with my brother, but my mother's lack of discipline allowed my brother to be more viloent and destructive towars me and her. Eventually his attitude got out of control and destroyed my mother from the inside. Growing up I saw two sides of my mother, the at home emotionally scared women afraid of her eldest son and the perfect public life of a teacher. I think that since my mother hid her and our problems from the public eye, it has taught me a horrible lesson of to hide my true emotions, opinions, and feelings. Throughout my life, the only people I have told about my true problem have been people I have trusted with my life. Its easy for me to type out what I feel, but to tell people in person drives on one of my most greatest fears: Failure/rejection. I guess I established a fear of rejection when I found out I was adopted not from my parents but my brother. Despite my brother's failings, he has always been honest to me about everything. I think my fear of rejection has caused me to ruin most if not all of my relationships before they started. I have always feared I would say or do something at the wrong time or to early and drive that person away. So, all of my relationships but one have ended on a slow decay (bad word choice I know). There was one girl in high school that did end our relationships with her cheating on me, that broke my heart and I didn't date anyone for most of high school. I believe not many of the girls I dated knew the depth of my problems and some will begin to fathom them now. Everyone has told me to tell people how I feel and whatever happens at least I took a shot, well I did it once and was rejected after I poured my heart out to her, I don't blame her though, she has been one of my greatest friends. But throughout my life I have grown used to insults, rejection, and my faults but everytime I hear someone say something it still feels like a shot at my heart. Well, I don't know what to say that I can explain the complexity of my life, I just tried to explain it so people hopefully will better undertsand the things I do and have done. I wrote all of my feelings down because I need to expell all this crap or else I would explode or do something stupid.
Now, what worries me most is that all of the people who read this will still say doug I am your friend. To the people who really mean that, you will always hold a place in my soul and I thank you for your friendship. to those who will say it but not mean it, I would rather just not say anything at all to me, because there is almost nothing in this world worse than a hypocrit. I would rather people be totally honest with me and not be my friends, than for them to lie to me to try to make me feel better. Life is too short to be spending it with people who be nice to your face, but tell others a different story to save face. Life is about true friendship
I recently recieved a letter from my brother, he told me in his letter that he will be getting out of prison in february of 2020, at the earliest. Now, I know I have some some positive and negative (mostly negative) things about my brother and our relationship. Well, I am beginning to see why he had such trouble with my mom in florida nad my dad when he visited. Granted he was a easily tempered pyshco, but he couldn't deal with people he thought didn't understand him or tried to control his life too much. That is how I feel right now. My dad said to me the other day that you better not mess up your gpa doug if you want to go to grad school. In my head I was like wait a fucking second, who the hell said I wanted to go to grad school and who are you to tell me how to live my life, but I simply said to him yes dad, I know. There are times when I wish ill will on certain people in my life, not because I hate or dislike them, just because they get on my nerves. I seriously think I have some of my brother's psycological problems. Lately it feels like all the forces in my life are holding me down, when all I want to do is fly. Now most of you can say that you have felt that way sometime or another but I have felt that way all my life.
When I look back on my childhood I can barely remember any true happy moments. I can name times that have been fun, but the events that have shaped my life the most have been in my mind traumatic or horrifying. I'm not saying I could have avoided them, but I was so scared into being flexible and submissive that I lost my free will. By the time I left Florida to move to Michigan, I realized that because of what I have been through I was more wise in the ways of life than most kids my age. Around the age of 13, I was silently profiling psycological problems in my family, I was my brother's source of free labor, and my mother's failed expirement at raising a child without discipline. I blame most of my problems on my mom and my brother and me. At a young age my problems were minor scrapes with my brother, but my mother's lack of discipline allowed my brother to be more viloent and destructive towars me and her. Eventually his attitude got out of control and destroyed my mother from the inside. Growing up I saw two sides of my mother, the at home emotionally scared women afraid of her eldest son and the perfect public life of a teacher. I think that since my mother hid her and our problems from the public eye, it has taught me a horrible lesson of to hide my true emotions, opinions, and feelings. Throughout my life, the only people I have told about my true problem have been people I have trusted with my life. Its easy for me to type out what I feel, but to tell people in person drives on one of my most greatest fears: Failure/rejection. I guess I established a fear of rejection when I found out I was adopted not from my parents but my brother. Despite my brother's failings, he has always been honest to me about everything. I think my fear of rejection has caused me to ruin most if not all of my relationships before they started. I have always feared I would say or do something at the wrong time or to early and drive that person away. So, all of my relationships but one have ended on a slow decay (bad word choice I know). There was one girl in high school that did end our relationships with her cheating on me, that broke my heart and I didn't date anyone for most of high school. I believe not many of the girls I dated knew the depth of my problems and some will begin to fathom them now. Everyone has told me to tell people how I feel and whatever happens at least I took a shot, well I did it once and was rejected after I poured my heart out to her, I don't blame her though, she has been one of my greatest friends. But throughout my life I have grown used to insults, rejection, and my faults but everytime I hear someone say something it still feels like a shot at my heart. Well, I don't know what to say that I can explain the complexity of my life, I just tried to explain it so people hopefully will better undertsand the things I do and have done. I wrote all of my feelings down because I need to expell all this crap or else I would explode or do something stupid.
Now, what worries me most is that all of the people who read this will still say doug I am your friend. To the people who really mean that, you will always hold a place in my soul and I thank you for your friendship. to those who will say it but not mean it, I would rather just not say anything at all to me, because there is almost nothing in this world worse than a hypocrit. I would rather people be totally honest with me and not be my friends, than for them to lie to me to try to make me feel better. Life is too short to be spending it with people who be nice to your face, but tell others a different story to save face. Life is about true friendship