the real me

Oct 25, 2005 16:26

Today i had to read 73 pages of a book by 1pm. after reading about 20 pages or so, I decided that I wanted to write som stuff down to make a story. I tried writing about all the poker I play and I got bored, I felt I had to go to much in to detail, so I tried a new topic. Then I tried to write about my life growing up, and it mad me pissed off. The more I wrote the more I got angry at all the shit I went through growing up with my brother. It kept making me depressed how much he affected my life in bad and good ways. I can name some many times he has embarassed me at school or in our neigborhood or in front of his/my friends. He has had the biggest impact on my life, and I am depressed cause of it. He is the reason I am so defensive, shy, and nervous all the time. But he is the reason I am cautious, smart, and dedicated to school. So, my brother was the double bladed sword that changed my life forever. So many times in my life I want to pick up a bat and beat the living shit out of him till he stopped breathing, but I didn't beacuse I am not him. Although I hate him with ever fiber of my soul, he is my brother, halfbrother to be exact. He is the only true family, blood wise that I know of. We were both born of the same mother with differnet fathers, and both put up for adoption. I'm sorry, but what kind of bitch has a kid puts it up for adoption, then has another and does the exact same fucking thing, what a heartless bitch. I hope I never find out who she is, in fact I hope she died, because I don't know what I would do if I met her. My brother is one reason that I almost broke out and cried in my rhetoric class today. Everyone in class was talking about their grandpas, and I remember my grandfather's (my mother's side) funeral. I didn't feel sad or anything, I felt neutral, how sick is that. It wa because my brother trained me to never show emotion, only pussys show their tears. Today was the first time I ever cried after my grandfather's funeral. I miss him so much. I wish I had a chance to spend more time with him before he died. Well, I have to thank my mother for showing the world one perosn and showing her family the true one. if my mother taught me anything, it was to so show the world a perfect shell of yourself and then you can be your broken self at home in privacy, by yourself. Many of my friends have asked me why I smoked and drank so much, my answer was to have fun, the real answer was because I can be myself with an excuse if I express to much emotion. I have been clean for so long, but I feel like getting messed up to just let loose andnot care what happens. I remember I went to therapy with my brother once, the therapist said my brother's problem was because of me, well fuck him, my brother was always a good manipulator, sick bastard. Now look at me, just like my brother said I would be. He said I would be alone, fat and sad for the rest of my life once. HE was right...the thing which makes it so hard for me to be angry at him is that he has a court case comingup and he could be facing 30 years-life in prison, it makes all that petty shit seem insignicant. I'm just so confused and sad right now, and I just don't know what I will do right now with my life...for the first time in my life I feel lost...When I look back at all my pictures with my family, I see me smiling but I don't see ME smiling.
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